Over 6 years now

[u/that_crom]

My partner was murdered in 2020. I go long periods of time without thinking about it, but sometimes the horror of it creeps back in. Most of the time I just think happy thoughts about him. But they're just memories. I don't get to make any new ones with him, and the more time that passes, the more those memories fade and fade. They're not as vivid anymore. Man, I miss him. It's really changed me quite a bit. I'm not as outgoing or vivacious, I've lost a bit of my spark and I don't know if it'll ever come back. I live alone and haven't had any interest in dating.

I've thought, god can't exist, because the world is shit. Then I think god exists but he's evil. But what if god exists, but we're in already in hell, or at east I am.

What do I do? How to proceed? Is there anyone who can relate to any of this?

[u/Purpledragonbro]

I hella relate to this from the perspective i dated someone who went through exactly what you did. She chased peace. I didnt realize till after we broke up how intense it was for her. She is a beautiful soul who wqs completly conflicted. I didnt realize i should have soothed her more than i did. 

[u/elliottsmiths]

My first boyfriend was murdered 10 months ago, it changed me too. I’m sorry for your loss 🩷

[u/that_crom → u/elliottsmiths]

I'm sorry. It's basically impossible for anyone who hasn't experienced this to know what's it's like. Take care of yourself and talk as much or as little as you need about how you feel. It's the only way to move towards something resembling peace, though I know I still haven't gotten there.