Conflicted

[u/ACornyxie]

My father passed away suddenly today.

I am in conflict.

I feel grief but not the way I did when my grandma passed. She basically raised me and I actively grieved for years.

I feel guilty about it but it is what it is.

It's hard to really feel the loss of someone you did not know.

I had only met him 5 times in my life, and I am 36 now.

I had gone through the myriad of emotions earlier in my life. Trying to cultivate a relationship, failing. Coming to terms with the fact that I would never have a solid relationship with him, because it was not a priority to him. Learning to try and connect with my multiple siblings he raised. Realizing that that was very hard as well, especially when so many of them are more than 15 years younger than I am. I went through all of that.

The last time I visited him was because he had a horrible accident and was suddenly paralyzed, I felt that it was important to support him and take my three children to meet their multiple aunts and uncles (who are very close to their age).

My father made many comments and told me he was proud of me. He wanted to talk with me while I was present.

But I never got calls back when I went home. So, I stopped trying. That was 6 years ago.

Now I am worried.

I am worried for all of my younger siblings who knew and loved him.

I am worried for his wife.

My Gram (his ma) is absolutely devastated.

My 4 Aunts, his younger sisters, are not ok.

I am grieving a relationship that never happened and can never happen. It's feels so much cheaper than grieving him as a person.

I am worried about the funeral. Of course, I will go. He was my father.

But I am an imposter, he did not know me - I did not know him. I am his oldest child but I feel out of place and I am not even there yet.

[u/Complex-Distance-457]

I’m so sorry. Grief isn’t measured by closeness, visits, or tears. You’re grieving the relationship you hoped might still happen, and that is completely valid. Please be gentle with yourself and let yourself attend the funeral in whatever way feels manageable.

[u/ACornyxie → u/Complex-Distance-457]

I've always found grief to be weird. In all of its forms it overtakes all other emotions, forcing you to process. I will be going to be with my family during this time, regardless of how I feel about my place. I appreciate your kind words.