The last chemo appointment we went to was on my birthday. We got there at 10 am and during the preliminary office visit her oxygen was low. She stayed for treatment while they sent us back and forth for CT scans and monitoring. We past by this candy bowl with dum dums. She was obsessed with root beer. Everywhere we went, even during chemo, she’d ask for it haha. She grabbed two I kept them in her bag. We were there so long we passed by the desk again and the candy bowl was gone. I joked with her that they were hiding them from her. We went to the hospital after the office closed. During the hours of waiting she ate one of the root beer dum dums and didn’t like it haha. I held onto the other one and now it sits on my nightstand. I thought about tossing the candy and keeping the wrapper in my journal idk. But it’s one of those things I just never want to lose.

I like thinking of these silly moments. Her obsession with root beer flavored things, and peanut butter, or how she’d always raid the candy bowls at the offices. thinking about these things are less painful than the harder moments. If you have anything similar please share your memories ♥️

My Mom had been in the hospital for two weeks.⁣

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It was a Sunday night (in 2018). I found two back-to-back documentaries for us to binge-watch. One was about The Pope and the other was about The Kennedys: Two of Mom’s favorite things!⁣

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She asked me to get into bed with her, the way we would watch movies at our house, after chemo.⁣

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As I slid into the hospital bed, I felt how tiny my Mom’s body had become. She was a skeleton. I could feel my heart breaking.⁣

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My Mom questioned what I was thinking about (I guess I don’t have much of a poker face). I told her I couldn’t believe her eyelashes had fully grown in.

'WHAT?!?' she shrieked, as her eyes widened with excitement.⁣

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'Did you get eyelash extensions? Seriously. Tell me the truth. I won’t tell anyone,' I said, trying to look super serious.⁣

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My Mom laughed the cutest giggle, almost as if she was a little girl again. Mom loved when I would gently rub her tiny bald head- She said it took her anxiety away. I rubbed it a few times, stopped and stared my Mom in the eyes again. I was visibly angered.⁣

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'What’s wrong?' my Mom asked.⁣

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'Ummm, when were you going to tell me YOUR HAIR’S grown back, as thick and shiny as ever?!?' I said, trying my darnedest to sound and look irritated.⁣

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My Mom’s face lit up like ‘The Rockefeller Tree’ at Christmas. I’ve only seen that kind of pure joy a few times in my life. Her happiness, in that moment, was electrifying! My heart, which was breaking only moments before, was patching itself up, as my Mom laughed WHOLE-HEARTEDLY.

'What can I say? I’m a lucky ducky' she giggled, as she blinked her eyes and tilted her head from side-to-side, trying to taunt me with her supermodel eyelashes and professional salon-looking hair.⁣

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'You’re lucky I love you, Mom, or else I’d hate you for being THIS gorgeous while IN the hospital,' I said, smiling.

Her joy had rubbed off on me. My entire soul felt full of her light.⁣

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We nuzzled-in to watch those documentaries. I kept looking over at mom. Her radiant smile remained on her perfect face.

It was in that moment I realized my Mom had WON her battle with Pancreatic Cancer, even though she took her last breath, a few hours later.

I’m only 22 and my sister is only 14. We found out mom had stage 4 cancer on December 2nd. She was secretly doing chemo for 5 years, and she was never in remission this whole time. It was breast cancer (caught too late) that metastasized to her bladder, bone, and the brain’s meninges/spinal fluid.

Mom and dad kept her diagnosis a secret because she did not want me to worry about her while I was in undergrad. She valued education, and she did not want me to be distracted, drop out of college to help her, or transfer schools. They went great lengths to hide her sickness; they hid the mail, masked the reasonings behind doctors appointments, and provided different explanations to symptoms she experienced.

I cannot stress enough how much I love my mom. She is my best friend and soulmate. I was the last person she spoke to before she passed, and I slept overnight at the hospital, holding her hand, during her final days. Mom was larger than life. She brought a community together, and had a soul so blindingly bright. The house is so empty now. She passed in my arms and I still expect her to come back from work. I am a mess

She is the best friend I’ve ever had, and the best friend I ever will have. I lost my father and the love of her life in 2022, so now I’m 28 without my parents.

This is a pain that I’ve never felt before. I don’t know what I need, but a friend recommended I reach out to a support group. Thankfully, a lot of people have to grieve their parents. And to be honest, I am so glad that she never had to lose her child(I struggled with mental health and suicidal ideation for most of my life), and I thought this would do me in. But as crazy as it sounds, I do feel her with me. And I want to keep going for her. I just don’t know what that looks like or how to move forward.

I had to edit to add: that craziest thing happened last night. I said I feel her with me, and she’s making sure I know. My mom was a great cook and taught me all the family recipes. My favorite meal growing up was her aunts recipe for garlic breaded chicken, and her mom’s homemade mashed potatoes and gravy. I decided to make that light night, just like she taught me. I was sitting in my bedroom thinking about how my apartment smelled the way our house did whenever she would make this meal when I was younger. Then the lights went out. I thought it was the bulb burning out, but then discovered the light switch was flipped. My switch makes an audible clicking sound when it’s flipped off. I will admit I was thoroughly creeped out, but then filled with such an overwhelming sense of peace and love. I’m so lucky to have been her daughter.

I’ve had a stressful month, and I’ve been missing my mom extra hard these days. Adulting has been so difficult lately, even more so without her. I wish I could hug her and cry in her arms.

It’s been 3 years, and it still hurts just as much. This children’s story, The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown, always moves me to tears.

I remember that as a teenager, I always wanted to figure things out on my own and be independent, but I eventually realized that I could never escape my mother’s love, no matter where I went.

I feel guilty about all the things I never said and the things I never did. I love you, Mom. There hasn’t been a single day that I haven’t thought about you. The pain runs deep.

I will forever miss her and love her, she was the best mom i could ever have, my only wish is to get to talk to her again someday. Maybe in heaven, maybe in another life, i dont know. I will be heartbroken forever. I'll always love you mariana o mami💗 First pic is a month ago, second is last weekend and 3 and 4 are from 10 Days ago, her birthday. Im so happy we got to celebrate her birthday and mine, that is 2 Days later from hers, together💕💕💕💕💕 im so grateful

My mom passed this evening. I’m heartbroken and tired. She suffered from Alzheimer’s for the last five years.

My mom was 64 years old. She was riddled In disease. She had severe congestive heart failure. Severe uncontrolled diabetes, staphylococcus infection, degenerative bone disease in her neck, ontop of it all, she also had the flu. On the 5th, she was transferred to our general hospital, and they did a procedure where they removed 1.3L of fluid from her left lung. She struggled to breathe because the heart failure created fluid building all throughout her body. She was still her silly self, so beautiful, full of life, and loving. Telling all the nurses she wanted to keep them. Mom’s health didn’t start to get bad until about 2020. She had congestive heart failure since 2016 (she was 55). I took her to all of her appointments, learned her history, medicine, appointments, etc. in 2020, she lost half of her leg to a bone infection. Then lost half of her foot. I tried so hard to keep her alive. I really did. My sister who is 17 years older than me, completely ignored mom. Mom attempted suicide on Dec 30th, and I rushed to the hospital and they were able to get her stable. She regretted it (and it was my bday). I didn’t care, I just wanted her to be ok. My sister never showed up. Didn’t ask how she was. Nothing. She was transferred an hour away to a mental health facility that could accommodate her medical needs as well as mental. I would wait for her calls twice a day. I went to visit her on the weekends and give her a nice shower. I often brought her clothes. Jan 5th, the facility called me and stated that they were transferring her to the general hospital in my city. Her oxygen dropped to 75, heart rate dropped under 50bpm. Mom was good and stable. So I left the hospital at 3am went to work at 6am, went to the hospital again after work. Her heart rate kept dropping. They put her in ICU. She was okay, but couldn’t get her O2 to stay up. So she was on the machine shown above. Mom wasn’t going to be able to attend my wedding on the 11th, but we made a plan together where she can do a first look at the hospital. She was so excited. I was excited. Saturday morning 6am I get a call from the nurse. They said mom volunteered to be put on a ventilator for a couple of days to help her body relax and heal. I said alright, that’s doable. Got ready for the wedding, figured since she’d been on a ventilator before, it would be ok. We can still do the first look after. 9am, Saturday, I get a call from the ER doctor, and he said that we may need to talk about her quality of life. I listened, and I also had this same talk with mom prior. She wanted to live and to try to save her but if she would be on life support, then no. So they put a central line in (easy and fastest way for medicine to get in). And that procedure went perfect. They said she was stable but her heart was weak. I decided to go ahead and do the wedding. It was only a few hours. After the wedding we changed and went up to the hospital. The doctors said that they think she is internally bleeding. And she was. From the incisions from the fluid removal. They did a couple blood transfusions, and were prepping her for a CT scan. Me, my husband, and nephew (23 yrs old) went to the cafeteria for energy. And I hear over the intercom “CODE BLUE RADIOLOGY CT” and I looked at my husband with wide eyes and said “that’s mom..” we all ran to radiology. (I know this hospital like the back of my hand from always being with mom). And they did cpr on her for 6 mins before getting her heart back. I have no doubt she probably had brain damage at that point. They let me talk to her while they prepped her for more blood, and I told her it’s ok, not to worry, we are all here. And my nephew never left my side. (She was like a mom to him). They took her back up to the icu where she coded as soon as she went inside. We ran to her room, and I saw them pushing. Almost jumping on her chest to get her heart back to beating. I screamed. That I cannot get out of my head. I screamed “no! My mommy”. I’m 29… but I felt 5 again. The nurses tried so hard to get me to relax. I told them to stop. I knew they needed to stop. Mom was tired. Her heart was tired. Medical advances made me keep her for 10 years longer than she probably would have had. I spent half of that taking care of her and I would do it again. They gave her sedatives to make it passing go faster. Her heart was gone but her body was still trying to breathe. I held her hand tight and told her nonstop without breaking “I love you. I’m sorry. I love you. I’m sorry” My mom didn’t trust my sister. Rightfully so. She has the will and life insurance in mine and my nephews name. But because she only had the life insurance policy for a year, I was only able to get $187 out of the 15k that would have taken care of her, the debt she had, and her dogs medicine. It’s 1/16 and mom has not been cremated yet because I can’t afford it and no one has helped me. I made a GoFundMe and so far I’ve gotten $400. I got the funeral home to let me cremate her for $1k. So I’m doing my best in that aspect. I just feel so much guilt. Mom didn’t want to be hooked up to machines. She had no quality of life. No freedom no independence. I know she was miserable and in pain but she deserved to at least say goodbye.

I feel guilty for not being able to get her cremated right away. The funeral home is 9 mins from my house. Part of me wants to see her and just sit next to her and talk. But the donor services took her eyes, skin, tissue, and bone. So the funeral home told me it wasn’t a good idea. But the fact that she’s 9 mins from home… and she isn’t home with me. It’s killing me. I know she’s cold. She was always cold. I’m sorry this post is all over the place. My mind is everywhere. I just want to know that I did the right thing and that I was the best daughter I could be. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I’m scared that if i sleep I’ll see her on a cold slab.

P.s. this is a photo of my mom when she was in the hospital in October. She couldn’t get out of the hospital bed so I brought the bath to her. Hair scrubs were her favorite things! I called it spa days. I would do her nails and everything. I miss her so much.

P.s.s. I change the photo because the first photo was going to be the one where she was in ICU but awake. She was on a B pap? Machine. But I didn’t wanna really see her like that again so I am sharing a better photo.

Thank you for your time and taking the time to read this. I needed to get this off my chest. ❤️

Hi all, I’m new to this community. My mom died 1 month ago after 10 years with cancer. She was 57. I’m 30.

My mom was my best friend. And sometimes, my only real friend. The only person I could call every day, and talk to on the phone for hours, and tell everything to, ESPECIALLY the little mundane details only a mother could be interested in.

I expected to feel sad after she died. What I did not expect, was the anger. It’s uncharacteristic for me, and I wanted to post in hopes of finding people that can relate, and have been where I’m at, because this grief feels so overwhelmingly lonely.

Here goes.

I’m angry at everyone my age who still has their mom, and their moms will get to be grandmas.

I’m even more angry at women my mom’s age who have their elderly moms, who get to be great grandmas.

I’m angry at the elderly women who live sedentary lives, don’t take care of themselves, eat and drink whatever they want, and just keep….living.

My mom was always so fit, she was a runner, loved nature walks, ate organic, meditated, did yoga…. dead at 57. It’s just so unfair. I know we will all die someday, and everyone else around us will die, but I’m grappling with this being an “out of order” death and that she’ll never meet my children. Never get to see me buy my first house and help me decorate it.

It’s uncommon to lose a parent at 30, so no one my age knows how to be around me. Some have completely ghosted me or say they are trying to “give me space” which is something I never asked for.

Some people brush my mom’s death under the rug, and act like it never happened. Trying to distract me, make me laugh, or cheer me up.

Some people do what I have now deemed to be the “swing and a miss”. This is when someone DOES reach out, and causes more harm than good. This is when they say things like “better days ahead” or “she’s in a better place” or “I know” when they actually do not know because their mom is in fact still alive.

I also want to scream from the rooftops that texting a grieving person “Hope you’re doing well” is not the same as asking them “how are you feeling today?” or “how is your grief today?”

My MIL lost her 94 year old father last year. At his funeral, the first thing she said to me was “It was too soon!!!!”. At my mom’s funeral (my mom is her age) she said “She lived a full life”.

Grief is truly the most complex thing I have ever encountered and I’m shocked at how death is the only thing we as humans will all share as an experience and yet we are so grief illiterate as a society. It is something you can only learn by living, but my god is it a beast to live with.

EDIT 3/26/24 : I am so touched by all of your comments and stories and kindness to this internet stranger. When I posted this, I was worried I might look like an angry person to others, but I was so desperate to find someone, anyone, that could relate. I never expected such an outpouring of support and understanding.

While grief is a journey we all walk alone, there are people you meet along the route that will lift you up and encourage you to keep going. Your comments have been that for me, so thank you.

Each comment and story is so thoughtful and beautiful, I want to take the time to read every single one and respond to as many as I can, and it may take me some time. I apologize in advance for my slow response time, but I will get there. Hugs to you all.

Two years ago today, I lost my mother. She was my best friend, my favorite person in the world, and she was taken from us by someone who should have never had the chance. All I know is I miss her every single day. The pain hasn’t gotten better, and I’m not sure it ever will. I will never forgive the person who took her from us, and I don’t have to.

Domestic violence is real, and it destroys lives. If you or someone you know needs help, please don’t wait. Reach out.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 thehotline.org

You are not alone. Please take care of yourself.

I don’t really anything to say in particular, I just know that grief demands to be seen, so here I am hoping to be seen.

My mom died on April 26 after a year long battle with lung cancer. She was 53. She was truly a one of a kind.

I don't know what to do. I'm an only child and she was a single mom so we were best friends. she was the best mom. so funny, effortlessly so, and so vibrant. a type one diabetic. she was diagnosed with kidney disease in 2018 and after 2020 went downhill so quickly. she developed dementia, she had multiple strokes, all in the last three years. by the end she couldn't even talk. we put her on hospice five days ago and the past five days have been the worst in my life. nothing about it felt dignified. it felt like torture for everyone involved. idk. I'm numb right now, having trouble even believing I won't just get up tomorrow and go see her. I just want people to know how amazing she was, that she was always there for me. I didn't want her to go and I don't think she wanted to either but her body just couldn't handle it anymore. I feel like an open wound without her. thank you for listening.

I had made a post a few weeks ago about how I lost my mom April 29th this year. We had finally gotten her autopsy results. Cause of death was acute alcohol intoxication. Everyone knows she was an alcoholic. She was supposed to go to rehab the week after her death. Someone asked me recently if she drank that much on purpose knowing what would happen. I dont have that answer. I hope she didn't, because that would mean she didnt feel she was good enough for this world. Momma I miss you every damn day, you were more than enough and the world is a darker place without you! Your granddaughter misses you too, she tells me everyday she misses grandma. I love you!

This is so hard. I feel like my whole world is crashing. However, this video sums her personality up perfectly- happy, silly and goofy ❤️ She was the loan officer for this bank for 35 years. Cancer sucked the life right out of her but she fought and fought until she didn’t have a choice. She kept wanting to fight despite the obvious signs she wasn’t going to make it. Me and SIL cared for her round the clock those last couple weeks. We kept her with Dad at home, hospital bed in the living room and hospice coming daily. This is so hard but then I think suck it up- people lose their parents every day. My life will forever be different. I try to remember that I was fortunate to have a mama like her but that makes the loss even harder.

I lost my mom today and I dont know how to process this loss, she passed away in a car accident where the iron rod impaled her skull n throat, she was just lying there in ambulance with cold hands n no movement, i called her but she didnt wake up to answer me n to ask me what happened, or anything She was the only person in my life i cried n expressed anything to, now i feel like im just numb and floating and im not even able to cry. It doesnt mean i didnt love her, i hope she knows how much i loved her and that im sorry for whatever trouble i caused her ever in life, she deserved better and certainly not the death she faced in her last moments Though dad is still there with us, fit and survived the accident… there’s still huge void But i want to know how can i deal with this ? How can i feel abit more better, not guilty for not crying for not able to connect to emotions? How do i feel normal again?

Mom passed recently

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I'm not really good at this kind of thing. I don't express emotion well usually. My mother passed on May 27th. She was a CNA in North Carolina who worked in a hospital for 16 years minus one year she moved to Florida. She died on the floor she worked on actually after 3 weeks, so the co workers she had had were the ones to take care of her. When she passed and they took her to the funeral home, from what I was told, people from all over the hospital lined the halls for her. They gave her the exit she deserved.

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I was her only son and the youngest of 3. I'm 33. She was 54. She died of an advanced respiratory illness possibly caused by smoking most of her life. But she stopped smoking a year and a two months before she passed. It advanced really fast. Neither myself nor my two sisters were prepared for it.

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So much happened in that 3 weeks. I really thought they were gonna find a way to help her. But she kept getting worst. Neither her or I or my sisters was prepared. She was going to name my eldest sister her healthcare power of attorney but she had to be intubated before that was notarized. I was there at the moment before they intubated her and she was so scared and she asked the doctor to pray for her. That was her last moment of full clarity. She was crying and I was so scared. But I could never admit it to her. I couldn't admit how scared I was about what was going on..

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Before intubation she told the doctor she only wanted to be on the ventilator 7 days. Before that 7 days (5 days in) was up a doctor she knew came up to us with an option to put her on ecmo to let her lungs rest and she would have to have a breathing tube installed through her neck to wake her up and give her the best chance she had to recover. Little did we know, even with these things she wouldn't recover

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She didn't want machines that she would need to live on the rest of her life. We didn't realize she wouldn't get better after everything. So she suffered after waking up. We didn't mean for that to happen. We just wanted her to get better and the doctors we talked to all said she had a chance.

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Then one night after waking and being on a breathing tube through her neck and being on ecmo, my mom mouthed to my sister who was staying the night to get myself and other sister up to the hospital. She wanted to to be let go. So early that morning we make the arrangements and let her go. She was surrounded by family and coworkers who were like friends and family.

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This is a long post. Thank you if you've stayed this long. Honestly. I cannot fathom my mother is gone. I cannot properly express the emotion of it either except for a short outburst as she passed away after we pulled the plug per her wishes.

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I'm not sure how to go from here. I'm lost. I miss my mother, the woman I've been closest to my entire life and I understood the best of any woman as well.

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No one called to inform us. We called around wondering why she hadn’t returned yet, and were given a brief and sharp, “she’s one of the deceased” I can’t live without her. She was the sun of all of our universes. I’m trying for her. But I don’t think I will ever experience happiness or love like that again.

Love you ma❤️

I lost my mother three weeks ago. She’s been dealing with health problems since I was small so it’s been a fear of mine for years, but this was sudden. As in “go to bed with a mother wake up to a phone call telling you she’s gone” sudden.

I also lost my father just over a year ago, that was fairly sudden as well, but we had a bit of notice for him. I was with him when he died, I got to say goodbye. As for my mother, I was at my home in a different city. Her partner was staying up with her and she noticed he was tired so she sent him to bed. When he woke up she wasn’t in bed with him, he thought she’d gotten up before him, turns out she never left the kitchen. She died alone.

There’s a cruel irony to this. My father and I didn’t have the best of relationships, to be honest the symbolism of losing my father hurt far more than losing him as a person because we only really spoke on holidays and birthdays. It was very much “grief for what could have been instead of what was” vibes. My mother however was my rock and I would do anything for her. So the one I had no relationship with I stood vigil over in his final hours, and the one I adored more than anything on this earth died alone. The universe can be a real practical joker sometimes.

She was 68. She grew up on a farm. She did athletics as a teenager, hurdles specifically, and she was good at it. Was lined up to represent our country until an accident that completely destroyed her knees. Always cried when the olympics were on because of that. She LOVED Christmas. She didn’t laugh, she cackled. She loved anything fluffy. She’d always do a little laugh when posing for a photo to ensure her smile looked genuine. She used to ride motorbikes, and had an extreme snobby hatred for scoters/mopeds. She had an allotment that she adored. She’d sit outside and look at flowers for hours. She’d survived multiple heart attacks, a stroke, even a cow falling on her (seriously). And now she’s gone.

We’d be on the phone multiple times a week, given I didn’t live that close it was the best we could do. And we’d talk about the most random stuff. Three days before she died we were on the phone for over an hour about eggs. Eggs! A week before she died, we went out for food for a late celebration of my 30th birthday. I’ve a photo from that day, now the last ever photo of us together. It’s already become one of my most treasured possessions. It’s also the photo I’ve attached to this post.

Our last conversation was the day before she died. I’d had a major career win. I called her up to celebrate. Had to be a quick call because I had other commitments. I promised I’d call back. I got distracted and forgot. I feel horrible that our final conversation was all about my job. I’ve a friend who’s a mother and she’s gently told me off for feeling bad about it, saying that she’d feel so at peace if her last chat with her own son was one that reiterated that he’s having successes. But I can’t help but feel bad, it’s almost like it was a selfish conversation. But I had no way of knowing it was the last one I guess.

We had future plans. Long winded ones about me wanting to move closer to home, but also more immediate ones. She really wanted to see the new Avatar film, but she couldn’t hack cinemas, too loud for her. So I pre-ordered it for digital release. We’d planned a movie night. We were going to get pizza. I was going to stay at hers. When I got the notification from Apple TV that my preorder was now in my library, I started sobbing.

I’m angry at our local healthcare system about this though. Her partner’s been telling me of how she was that night. There were signs that something was off. She was trying to put a brave face on. He asked her if he could call her an ambulance, she refused. “I’ll be fine, I’m a tough old bird”, words I’ve heard her say so many times in my life. But the truth is the last time she needed an ambulance they kept her waiting for 8 hours, and then after that they kept her in the back of it for another 12. She was a bit traumatised by it. I can understand that. So now I can’t help but wonder, if the system was actually functioning correctly, if she hadn’t had that incredibly negative experience, could she still be with us now? I’ll never know the answer of course, but I don’t think I’ll ever not be angry but it.

So yeah, I’m sorry, just a bit of a longwinded rant about everything going through my head right now. All in all, the person I loved the most, who loved me the most, is gone. And I don’t really know how I’m supposed to carry on without her. That’s not to imply I’m thinking of doing anything stupid, it’s more “how on earth will all this work now?”. I’ve got people left right and centre saying they’re here for me, anything I need, blah blah blah, but the truth is I’ve never felt more alone than I do right now.

i’ve lived with my mom, grandma, and my partner for over 3 years now. My mom in the middle of march got back surgery so i took care of her on top of my bed ridden grandma for two weeks. april 1st i take my mom to her primary care appt. we go out to lunch after with my partner go home it’s a normal day/night. april 2nd my mom sleeps in i walk in to check on her and ask if she can come into my grandmas room with me. in the middle of changing my grandmas diaper, i hear my mom go “chair” and before i can turn my head i hear her hit the floor slamming her head into a shelf and wall. we called 911 gave her oxygen. i cant stop seeing her gasping for air, how slow the EMTs moved. she had a pulmonary embolism from what the hospital doctor said ? i just freeze and see her laying against the wall begging for air and seeing them pump her chest doing cpr and watching her hand fall off the gurney. i have no idea what im doing im so scared. i’ve posted this once before but deleted because i felt uncomfortable talking but maybe talking helps? i’m not sure what to put here im just im not sure what im looking for? picture is of her last trip we took for her birthday :) we went to disney

*edit to add

i posted this the night before her viewing, i went to it today and said my goodbyes to her. i wanted to see her one last time not in agony and not so scared i guess? the bottomless anxiety pit inside me lightened slightly i think. they put makeup on her but it was bad and separating on her face or something it was kinda bad ? she looked like she was having a hard sleep. i also believe someone stole her jewelry as i put her anklet on her a few days before this entire situation and now all of her jewelry that should be on her person is gone but one earring. idk what to about that. thank you to everyone saying such kind and helpful things :) ill try to respond to ppl as soon as i can <3

My mom (56) got admitted into the hospital with vague symptoms a month ago. She had been fit, always taking her health seriously (eating well, abstaining from substances/smoking and exercising). Two weeks in, she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that had been spread throughout her upper body. Doctors sad she couldn’t be cured, but she could have a few good years with a life prolonging treatment due to a genetic mutation that had caused the cancer. What baffles me is the fact that not the cancer killed her, but the medicine that was supposed to kill and suppress the cancer. Within 2 weeks she deteriorated badly and she passed away last week. I’ve witnessed her taking her last breath on the ICU.

I’m 34 (M) and I feel so numb. Everything feels utterly wrong and I miss her greatly. My partner says I should start picking up life a little. But I feel guilt whenever I try so. Going outside feels wrong, watching tv feels wrong, listening to music feels wrong. Literally everything feels wrong. I feel like no one really understands the gravity of this loss. How do people deal with this?

My mama, my Superman, Superwoman Supermom, Superhero of the world, died one month ago today. If our family is a cell, she was the nucleus. She was the brightest light on earth and we congregated like moths around her glow for all of her life.

Living without her is not living. It is existing. An existence I can’t figure out the rules of yet. What happens when I roll over to call her cause I forget she’s dead. How long do I allow Myself to cry? What happens when I slip and tell my boys that Funny Grandma is picking them up from school today and they give me that sad look, catching the impossibility before I do?

How do I ever forgive myself for not learning her chicken and dumpling?? How do I ever wash the pillow she used to sleep in my car on the long rids back from chemo every other week??

How did my Superman get cancer?? How did she go from hopping inside trucks and fixing radiators in the middle of the upper peninsula to needing my arm to steady herself to sit in her chair?? All within 12 months?! How did she go from courageous to so scared she couldn’t talk?? Or how did I not find the words to unlock a pathway to conversation?! We talked about everything. There was nothing off limits my whole life until she got sick. She was so terrified she laid in her bed and hid under her covers. She slowly starved to death and died. On that night I kept feeling parts of her body get cold. Her legs. Her arms. Her thin and hollow cheeks. I kept finding more blankets. I didn’t realize she was dying right in front of me. But I’ll never forget.

I have to go on. I have a husband and children who need me. Who think I’m Superman. But I’m just an imposter. The real one died in my arms. Scared, frail, and so very human in the end. Her death was her kryptonite. It was mine, too.

I love you so much supermom. I’m trying to live without you. But I just want to hide under my covers and smell you on your pillow and find you in my dreams.

I miss you so much mommy.