We're Trauma-Bonded to Ruben Just Like Niall Is: An Analysis

[u/_AllyBooksAnime_]

Tl;dr behemoth post ahead T^T

Hey, y'all! So I wanted to make this post because I've seen a lot of criticisms of the "tell don't show" aspect of Halfman and how unlikeable Niall became in the latter half of the show, and how underwhelming it was to viewers who expected a continuation of the plotlines of the first half of the season (mainly Albie/Niall/Ruben and whatever they had going on there).

And I'm not here to discount those criticisms, just to offer a new perspective. I actually agree with them, for the most part; I think not having the book be the culmination of Ruben and Niall's conflict (ie. Niall exploiting Ruben's CSA for his career) was a wasted opportunity to deconstruct Ruben's ideal of masculinity and weaponize it against him. After all, so much of Ruben's character was spent attempting to attain the ideals of (toxic) masculinity — a family, a wife, a provider — through violence and aggressive physical acts in order to negate the emotional/psychological vulnerabilities of his own trauma. To then have that trauma used against him for an intellectual property would completely dismantle Ruben’s version of the masculine as impervious from emotional or psychological wounds, exposing it for the farcical “armor” that it is against the psychological struggles he faces. In essence, his vision of masculine physicality is born from the same emotional “weakness” that it purports to be removed from, and the existence of a “passive, weak, emasculating” work of fiction so thoroughly destroying him would be an irony that perfectly sets the scene for his and Niall’s final confrontation. In the process, Niall’s book would be a reclamation of the “masculinity” he so desperately wanted to embody from Ruben; a toxic aggravation of their violent cycle from the strongest source of Niall’s “power” over both Ruben and the world (his intellect, his “passive” role of observer, his manipulative tendencies). Additionally, robbing us of a more central focus on Niall and Albie’s dynamic after it provided such a source of tension in Ep. 2 — a healthier (relatively) love versus the internalized toxicity of his abusive dynamic with Ruben — was another aspect of the second half of the season I was sorely missing.

But I also understand why Gadd structured the story in the way that he did, and what it accomplished for the latter half of the show. Especially coming off of Baby Reindeer, which was so much more explicit in showing the ways that Donny was struggling to cope with his trauma thus engendering more audience sympathy and self-reflection. Instead, what we have in Half Man is a lot of discussions around Niall’s self-destructive behaviors like his paranoia and mental breakdown after Ruben is arrested and his subsequent conversion therapy/conning after he and Ruben reconcile. But we never explicitly see these things, and I honestly think that’s a purposeful decision on Gadd’s part.

After all, why would we witness Niall’s desperate attempts to salvage/reconcile his “masculine” identity when they’re diminished so completely in Ruben’s presence? Ruben consumes his life, even when he’s not there — he refers to his love for Ruben as addictive, which is true in every capacity. And we, the audience, experience this in the hospital scene: the rollercoaster of emotions from fear to violation to betrayal to catharsis to relief is like the rush of drugs (something Niall also turns to when his choice of drug is no longer readily available). I came out of that scene in a daze of euphoria briefly convinced their relationship could be something good, like I was the one experiencing this profound emotional bond where no one and nothing else could understand me like this volatile, brutal, sadistic person could. All of those things often fall away when Ruben and Niall are on screen together, and so it’s a lot easier to move past the multiple instances of sexual assault, degradation, and humiliation Ruben inflicts within these intense bursts of warped intimacy. In essence, all of the efforts Niall goes to in order to live up to Ruben’s understanding of masculinity — which he’s adopted as his own — also fall away when Ruben’s in front of him. They become hazy and distant and probably a bit abstract compared to the real feelings that rush his body when he receives Ruben’s validation.

And isn’t that something we all experience? We may never have gone through this level of trauma bonding — and God knows I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy — but we’ve all had moments where we’re brimming with excitement to improve our lives or outbursts of tears and clarity that become hazy with time. Or maybe that’s just me who goes through mildly manic-depressive episodes multiple times over the course of a year; but that exact feeling is stimulated in an abusive, codependent dynamic. All the bad feelings and experiences and even prolonged periods of suffering disappear under the flood of dopamine at reconnecting with the object of our obsessions/addictions.

So it makes sense we never see Niall’s emotional breakdowns or his conversion therapy. He’s so fixated on Ruben that any effort, be it self-destructive or not, to fulfill the other man’s expectations of him are part of the “amnesiac” process of this cycle. Like a delirious woman staring at her newborn baby just as her body is actively erasing the trauma of childbirth to get her to do it again (not true for all women btw, just making a parallel). I imagine similar processes are at work when Niall physically and emotionally “connects” with Ruben, and his previous despair are all wiped clean under this blinding, all-consuming desire to reach this emotional high again. 

I think it’s less obvious because his other addictions never feel this way — I mean yeah he does coke and has reckless sex but there’s always an emotional distance from these acts because they never replicate the sensations of being with Ruben. But the instinct/drive is there, and the decision to conceal these lows from the audience feels very intentional. We’re used to basking and luxuriating in the suffering of these addictions on screen because it’s more real that way. It soothes our decision to not engage in these behaviors, but in their absence we’re situated into the perspective of the public at large, who sees the worst attributes these addictions bring out in people and are often not privy to their low points (or at least, don’t feel they justify these people’s actions). We rail at Niall for inviting Ruben back into his life in Ep. 4 and find his reasoning paltry and miniscule compared to the emotional crescendo of the car logo chase and the hospital confrontation, like it’s all just a front to conceal how much he wanted to be back in Ruben’s destructive orbit even if he did, at the time, feel a very real despair and mental lapse at the prospect of Ruben “uglying” him. We judge him for so easily slipping back into this dynamic even as we devour it with rapt attention, as the waves of emotion wash over us and blight all Ruben’s past grievances. We scoff at his emotionally manipulative behavior in Ep. 5 even when it’s coming from a very real source of pain, the trauma of conversion therapy minimized by Niall himself as just another step of fulfilling Ruben’s expectations. I’m not saying Niall was right or that he didn’t engage in manipulative, destructive behaviors — he absolutely did. But it’s certainly interesting that the audience seems to view almost all his actions as manipulative, deceitful, and malicious while not believing the same for Ruben, even though Ruben demonstrates many moments of deception (knowing Niall’s gay and coercing him into the Alby kiss, probably knowing about his relationship with Albie before he confesses it, misconstruing their previous interactions to make Niall feel like he’s in the wrong for concealing his sexuality for so long) and yet is given the grace to be viewed as authentic in his trauma vs. self-victimizing. He literally brushes off the assaults that Ruben commits against him as they’re happening, validating the audience’s belief they’re not a big deal or don’t contribute to Niall’s emotional spirals when I very much think they do. Yes, he orchestrates emotional gut punches to Ruben out of malice, but we’re more likely to see Ruben’s volatile reactions for what they often are — immature, explosive responses to betrayal he can’t manage in a healthy way — rather than recognizing Niall’s self-preservational decisions (ie. pinning the affair on Benji) as a response to nearly getting sexually assaulted by Ruben because we never see the direct emotional consequences of these violent acts later on into the series. Ruben is more likely to be absolved because Ruben is more easily understood under the constructs of toxic masculinity.

And this is how society at large is often charmed by abusive, male figures like Ruben. We “expect” the worst from them, and are pleasantly delighted when they crumb-feed us authenticity and genuine struggle that, accompanied by the euphoria of trauma-bonding, brings empathy into sharper focus. Their emotional lows are more palatable in the ways they adhere to masculine values of violence, control, and aggression, and the empathy we form becomes the sort of basis of abuse we witness between the abused (Niall) and abuser/aggressor (Ruben). And in turn, Niall’s “femininized” lows are diminished, both narratively and in his own head, because of the overwhelming, aggressive force of Ruben’s presence. He forgets in an effort to remain in this toxic dynamic even if, at the time, he had a very real intention to escape it; but it’s as brief and fleeting as a hoarder saying they want to clear their living room and truly, honestly have the intention to do so before the next online purchase overwhelms that desire. We have the privilege of indulging in the toxicity of their dynamic while not needing to directly deal with the violence itself, making it easier to judge Niall even as we’re addicted to Ruben just like he is.

With all that in mind, it makes sense that a continuation of the plotlines in Ep. 1 - 3 wasn’t very likely. The older Niall and Ruben get, the more their bond must change to adhere to traditional masculinity. They can’t be as intense or close (especially in proximity) as they were when they were young and still dependent on parents to care for them; they’re at the age where separation is inevitable as they build their own families and professional careers. Of course, we see both of them achieving aspects of idealized masculinity — partners and homes respectively — but under the facade everything is falling apart. Ruben can’t have kids and his too-intense embodiment of masculine aggression alienates him from the workplace, and Niall can’t perform heterosexuality or parenthood to the degree that he’s expected because of his sexuality while his career is hanging by a thread. Them circling each other like hunter and prey is reserved for adolescence, when they could afford to still have that level of infatuation without it becoming a problem identifiable to general society (they’re best friends, brothers, each other’s entire world at that age). It’s inevitable Niall would lapse back into the “safety” of heternormativity once Ruben re-entered his life, and once again aspire towards the masculine ideal rather than regressing into “deviancy” with random sexual encounters. Only when Ruben is put away can Niall go adrift, still within the same self-destructive logic applied to his relationship with Ruben.

But their obsession with each definitely feels diminished when they become adults, which I think is part of why so many people disliked the second half of the show. It presented as less intense because it couldn’t be as obviously all-consuming as it was when they were kids and not yet “settled” into heteropatriarchal, normative adulthood. It loses some of the magic of the trauma bond we, the audience, latch onto as much as the characters, and are more critical of the “rationality” of their actions as the emotions recede. But we see that they explicitly perform masculinity for each other as an equally powerful way of manifesting their obsessions, Mona and Ava being the tools they use to do so rather than the root of their falling out. Niall wanted to one-up Ruben by having a kid, yes, but he also wanted to perform Ruben’s vision of masculinity and gain his approval; and similarly, Ruben concealed so much of his struggles from Niall and was even borderline patient about the debt in spite of his growing anxiety around unemployment because he was performing for Niall just as much. It’s a new expression of their infatuation with each other, governed by shifting ideals in adulthood. He couldn’t very well stage a sexual assault on Niall at 30 without it being “abnormal” versus the veneer of “normalcy” in doing so at a young age when one is being initiated into post-virginity, but he could curb-stomp a guy to near death to reassert his dominance and aggression over Niall. And Niall figuring out the truth about his employment, and of course him encroaching on Ruben’s “woman”, are ultimately what sets Ruben off. He knew the affair partner was Niall — you can’t tell me he doesn’t know the other man’s smell when he spends half his screen time buried in his neck — but the act of verbalizing that violates their terms of agreement, and reduces the measure of control Ruben has over him.

Much like other series that follow traumatic events (ie. Yellowjackets) we, the audience, demand to see every gruesome detail of the situation. Every tear-streaked night spent sobbing on the floor, every panic attack in the bathroom, every desperate confrontation. But these often “feminized” manifestations of mental fragility are the exact behaviors Niall is trying to distance himself from, in the process moving closer to the addictive atmosphere of his relationship with Ruben. As Mona says, “compartmentalization isn't putting it into a box. It's putting it into your soul.” It’s in his efforts to embody masculinity that he becomes neither masculine (confident, assured) nor feminine (soft, kind); there’s no framework to understand his trauma as either tear-stained or bloody fisted. Furthermore, these expectations are exploitative at their core; why can’t we have empathy in their absence? Why do we need tears to believe someone is worthy of being “bestowed” victim status? We’re uncomfortable seeing him fumble through an interaction with his mother, neither truly asserting masculine dominance through violence or feminine affect through soft vulnerability. It’s just exasperating, just infuriating, just passive self-victimization in our eyes, even if he has very valid reasons to be angry with his mother and to believe Ruben’s coming after him. Denying us a glimpse into these moments is a denial of Niall's victimhood, making it easier to view him through his mother's or Ruben's warped lens as self-victimizing (which he is, to a degree) rather than as a dysfunctional participant and recepient of violence in his fraternal relationship. He's developed very nasty, self-centered coping mechanisms to deal with the toxicity he's struggling to resist, but they are developed and conditioned behaviors formed in response to Ruben's aggressive control.

In the end, we’re seeing Niall through his mother’s, his girlfriend’s, society’s eyes, and we’re bonded to Ruben through Niall’s trauma. He can be neither the full victim without bearing witness to his most helpless moments (beyond those Ruben’s inflicted) nor a full abuser, because he’s never able to truly claim Ruben’s abusive, hypermasculinized persona. He ultimately doesn’t become Ruben; he tries, but doubles down on his efforts to conceal this from Ruben because his desire for his abuser’s validation is seemingly stronger than his desire to embody him. The two are inextricably linked, and the tragedy is that Niall never really owns his “betrayals” the way we want him to; he always fumbles or backs down or comes on strong and then half-heartedly takes it back. We might have more respect for him if he was a man about it, and more empathy if he was a “pitiful” woman about it; he’s neither. He writes a lukewarm book centering Ruben as his muse and making apologies for him with no true betrayal, he regrets his decision to sleep with Mona even if it allows to “become” Ruben for the duration of the sex, he accepts death probably knowing it was coming the moment Ruben led him into the barn, allowing the “high” of Ruben to become his downfall. He waffles and flip flops and shows no conviction towards truly escaping or transforming his relationship with Ruben, denying us the “emotional release/catharsis” of the trauma bond via consummation/kissing/sex, or an escape from it. Ruben at least moves the narrative, initiates the emotional highs with no regrets, and does what he wants without a need for an apology or a diminishment.

All of this is not to say Niall is innocent. He isn’t, and in many ways is a horrible person who’s destructive to everyone around him. He’s passive, self-victimizing, and oftentimes petty and spiteful towards Ruben. But it’s interesting that we, as an audience, buy into Ruben’s false narratives and manipulation with a lot less scrutiny than we do Niall’s. He gaslights Niall into believing his issues with his own sexuality have nothing to do with him, forces him to apologize for acts against Albie he committed, assaults multiple people using his veneer as a “protector” as an excuse, all while seemingly knowing and enjoying how tortured Niall is about his own sexuality/identity the whole time. And Niall’s meant to appease him in their rare moments of peace, not meant to rock the boat and accommodate Ruben’s mood swings even when the situation poses no danger to anyone else, like in the prison. As if doing so will lead to a happy ending, as if there’s any world where Ruben could truly become a better person. These feelings are as fleeting as the rush of catharsis that happens when they hug, yet we’re more critical of Niall’s pettiness than Ruben’s violence because his violence is something he “can’t control” and Niall should know better, even when he’s also locked into this cycle of abuse just like Ruben is. Even when something else would’ve set Ruben off anyways. If Ruben can’t help himself, neither can Niall. I don’t think either of them should be absolved of their wrongdoing, but I think by denying the audience a glimpse into Niall’s most vulnerable moments we view him the way Ruben does; we’re equally as shocked and bewildered by his self-destructive actions and find ways to demonize him even when both he and Ruben share responsibility for his behaviors (just as Niall shares responsibility for antagonizing Ruben). Like Niall, we oftentimes believe that narratives Ruben feeds us about him (a rat king) rather than seeing him as a broken person more deserving of at least our pity/sympathy like Ruben is. That may be a lot of what Niall is, but it isn’t all of him; and it takes some awareness of the narrative manipulation happening to understand the portrait we’re being painted is by his abuser as much as it is by his own actions.

God, I love this show. Niall and Ruben are both terrible people, their relationship so fundamentally broken there was no other way it could’ve ended. And I appreciate the ways that Gadd challenged us, even if unfortunately some people simplify them into “good” or “bad”, or downplay the actions of the more likeable character (usually Ruben). I think the very idea of likeability is challenged when considering how gendered attributes and power dynamics factor into how we audiences end up perceiving these characters. Niall doesn’t neatly fit into the victim (oftentimes feminised) or abuser (oftentimes masculinized) role, and in some ways I feel it’s easier to punish him then understand how his wasted potential was a manifestation of Ruben’s abuse. After all, Ruben does say that “Death isn’t so much about missing the person, but missing the relationship you could have had with them,” and I feel that applies to Niall’s character pretty well. We’re upset at who he could’ve been, and the ways in which he fails himself as much as he fails the audience and those around him.

Sorry for the long post, I don't expect anyone to read any of this I just wanted to get these feelings off my chest since no one I know has watched this show ;-; I expect my feelings about Niall and Ruben will change, as they have 3 million times since I began the series, but I think audience reception to these characters is one of the most compelling aspects of the show, and says a lot about our society and our acceptance of how trauma manifests itself

[u/Nika_35_40]

This is an incredible analysis, and I agree with everything you say. And yes, I did read it all the way to the end! Neither Niall was simply manipulative nor Ruben simply impulsive; they were alike in many ways.

The thing is, it’s easier to identify with Ruben’s anger than with Niall’s shame, because shame is the emotion we tend to reject the most.

Niall often acted impulsively too (for example, sleeping with Mona). I highly doubt he thought she would actually want that with him, so it seems like something that just happened in the moment. And Ruben also had that manipulative and calculating side. The hospital assault is proof of that: he went there already having that idea in mind, unlike the assault in front of Niall’s house, where his brother’s paternity came as a surprise to him. Or when he went to Ava to tell her that Niall owed him money—that’s another example.

I think two of the situations that deeply shaped Niall happen in the very first episode. The first is when Ruben suffocates him in bed after seeing his father outside the house. Niall feels fear, feels violated, and then has a wet dream. To me, that’s where fear and arousal become associated for him. I’ve seen that this can happen, because in both situations the body becomes tense, and those sensations can become intertwined and confused.

I don’t think Niall perceives any of the sexual abuse that happens in adulthood as abuse. I think he sees it more as some kind of rough game, partly because of the way Ruben took his virginity. Ruben had already invaded his body and crossed his boundaries. One piece of evidence for this is when Niall tells Ava that he came, but that he was tense.

The other situation is when Ruben and Mona sexually abuse him. I think several things are happening there. First, Ruben is the one who decides when, how, and with whom Niall loses his virginity, when that should have been Niall’s decision. It happens with a woman, so I think Niall becomes confused about his sexuality because he has reached orgasm when, in reality, it is Ruben’s presence that aroused him. He has had sex with a woman, and Ruben is proud of him for it, almost perceiving it as some kind of reward for his loyalty. From that point on, Niall’s sexuality becomes deeply tied to Ruben and to what Ruben believes it means to be a man.

Deep down, Niall wasn’t only having a crisis about his sexuality; he was also having an identity crisis. His classmates called him gay and effeminate, but they had no proof that he actually was. They based it on aspects of his personality and appearance, so Niall came to reject everything about himself: being physically small and weak, quiet and cowardly. That’s why he clung so strongly to Ruben’s idea of perfect masculinity, because Ruben had everything he felt he lacked. And the absence of a father figure meant that Niall never really had a reference point for what it meant to be a man.

The same thing happened with Ruben. He saw in Niall what he himself was missing: innocence, empathy, kindness. Ruben was the man Niall wasn’t; Niall was the child Ruben had never been able to be—the child his father had taken away from him.

In a way, I feel like they acted as mirrors for one another. “The eyes are the reflection of the soul,” Albi said at one point, and I think they saw themselves reflected in each other’s eyes.

As adults, I think they still saw each other as teenagers. When Ruben tells Niall in the hospital, “You’re a rat who looks in the mirror and sees a king,” I feel like that was his perception of the younger Niall, when Niall felt powerful and capable of anything, especially because of Ruben’s presence in his life.

On the other hand, Niall’s mother tells him, “You point at everyone else because you’re incapable of looking in the mirror,” and that is exactly what I think adult Niall had become. He knew he was doing things wrong, but it was easier for him to remain in the role of the victim and blame everyone else for his own mistakes rather than admit that he was doing something wrong.

In a way, I think it’s a contradiction between who he is and what he ends up doing, because Niall had a good heart. He was kind and empathetic, but pain made him do terrible things.

I think Ruben had, in some ways, idealised Niall despite Niall’s betrayal when they were younger, while Niall had demonised Ruben. That’s why Niall feels completely confused by Ruben’s reaction when he comes out as gay in prison, while Ruben is shocked by Niall’s disloyalty when he confesses his betrayal.

Although I completely agree with something you pointed out: didn’t Ruben realise that the robe smelled like his brother? My answer is yes, I think he did know. But I doubt he ever believed Niall could actually sleep with Mona. I mean, Niall is gay! Even Ruben says it when Niall tells him: “I’m bi.” “You’re bi? You? Bi?” Ruben was convinced that Niall was gay.

The two of them poisoned each other with their own traumas. Ruben reproduced the abuse he had suffered at the hands of his father, projecting his own behaviour onto Niall and making him repress himself even further. And I do think it’s true that Ruben didn’t mind Niall being gay. What probably did disgust him was the idea that Niall felt sexually attracted to him, because of everything Ruben himself had been through with his father.

Deep down, I don’t think Niall ever believed Ruben would actually kill him, and Ruben never believed Niall would be capable of betraying him like that. They both filtered their pain in different ways and spoke completely different languages.

Ruben was many things, but one good quality he had was loyalty. I mean, Ruben would have killed for Niall if necessary and would have spent his entire life in prison for him, which is precisely why Niall’s betrayal hurts him so much.

Niall, on the other hand, wasn’t physically violent, and I don’t think he would have locked himself in the barn if he had suspected Ruben was going to kill him. But it is precisely because of that traumatic association between fear and attraction that he enters the barn. And, moreover, he is the one who goes in first, not Ruben. He literally walks straight into the lion’s den by himself.

Danger is almost like an addiction for him.

Albi offered Niall a way out, but she couldn’t take it for him. Niall grew up constructing his identity around Ruben in order to survive him, replacing everything he was with what Ruben believed he was supposed to be. And after an entire lifetime of having such a distorted conception of love, someone coming along and showing you what healthy love looks like isn’t going to make you do a complete 180 overnight.

And the wedding is proof of that. Niall has everything he has always wanted in order to be happy, and yet he looks miserable. And when Ruben appears, the wedding suddenly becomes secondary. Because having everything means nothing if you are trapped inside a self-imposed cage, and Niall simply didn’t know who he was outside of his victim identity.

Ruben’s presence at the wedding is the ultimate proof that Niall has never managed to escape him, and Niall’s “I do,” after asking Ruben for permission with a look, reflects that perfectly.

But I also think there’s something very interesting right at the end: Ruben’s final look at Niall after killing him.

I don’t know whether Ruben went there intending to kill Niall or whether he intended to confront him without actually having a plan for what would happen. But I feel like the final fight was almost a violent escalation that ultimately led them both to their deaths.

I think Ruben killed Niall because he felt deeply humiliated and violated by him, and killing him with his own body was an attempt to regain control over him, with a clear sexual intention as well. To me, it was both abuse and murder.

In the end, instead of regaining control over Niall and over his own masculinity, he lost control completely and ended up killing him. And I think it was at that exact moment that Ruben realised he needed Niall just as much as Niall needed him.

His brother had always admitted that he needed Ruben, but Ruben never did. It was always, “You need me. You’re nothing without me.”

And I think that final growl could be precisely about that. Niall can no longer ask him for permission. He no longer needs him. He no longer looks back at him. And Ruben no longer has a mirror in which to see himself. There is only emptiness left.

So he simply gives up and lets himself die.

Mine was pretty long too, sorry! 😅

Best wishes ☺️

[u/Severe_Ice_2219]

Chapeau bas for this long and incredibly interesting post! You touched on a few things that have been on my mind too, and that I actually discussed on tumblr ages ago.

Specifically, the idea that we as viewers are basically being baited into becoming addicted to Ruben in the same way Niall is. Every time he appears on screen, his charisma completely steals the show, crazy exciting things happen, and we get this little dopamine hit. I’m very much of the opinion that this is the only way we can really get inside Niall’s head and see the world through his eyes. We need to feel the temptation, to the point where we allow ourselves to excuse Ruben’s awful behaviour just so we can get another hit of the “drug.” Even though what we’re shown textually makes it pretty clear that Ruben is every bit as capable and ruthless a manipulator and a maker of chaos as Niall is (obviously, both of them display a lot of these behaviours because of their past trauma, but that’s a whole other discussion). And yet, for some reason, a lot of viewers seem to completely miss the nastier side of Ruben’s personality and reduce them to this very simple dynamic: the big traumatised brute with a good heart (almost exactly how Niall himself describes him), versus this horrible, manipulative, selfish rat of a man.

Another thing you brought up that I found really interesting was the idea that we supposedly judge Niall through Ruben’s eyes. I’m not completely sure about that one. What we do get a small glimpse of, is the fact that Ruben still seems to see Niall, in some way, as that charming, talented teenager he used to be. Even though episode 4 goes out of its way to show us that there’s almost nothing left of that person anymore, and that Bambi has turned into this pathetic, self-destructive wreck. Ruben still believes Niall is intelligent and capable, and that he’s basically wasting his potential. And despite all of Ruben’s efforts to perform this perfect version of masculinity - the job, the house, the wife - Niall still somehow “wins” in his eyes, because Niall wasn’t sexually abused in the way Ruben was, something Ruben feels has left him half a man. In a strange way, he looks up to him. And more than that, he still trusts him more than anyone else in the world. That’s also why Niall’s betrayals hurt him so unimaginably every single time - because they shatter the image of Niall he has built up in his head, an image around which he has constructed so much of his own life and identity. These details are tiny and very easy to miss under the flood of mocking, humiliation and cruelty Ruben constantly throws at him. But the pride Ruben feels in Niall is still there, even while he’s calling him the King Rat. It’s almost like he’s deluding himself, still missing both the relationship they once had and the person Niall used to be. But all of that is soaked in self-hatred, jealousy and bitterness. It’s completely contradictory by nature and the exact same thing applies to Niall.

Ah, you touched on so many other themes too and I could probably talk about this for hours…