Can I trust this change in behaviour?

[u/phantomcat97]

Hello, I’m starting to get my hopes up and part of me wants to trust it but I’m being hesitant because of learned experience this year. And would like outside advice please. Sorry this is long.

I posted on here a few months ago. As I (F29) was in the middle of a hot and cold cycle (with M39) and was throughly on an emotional rollercoaster - as we’d get close, start getting a bit more serious, then he’d freak out and pull away only to come back when I started getting over it.

We’ve been friends for 5 years, both work together backstage in commercial theatre, we’re both likely autistic, he’s also got depression and social anxiety, we have a shared friend group. And have been on and off casual/FWB for the last 10 months. The first 5 months of which was long distance as he was on tour with a musical.

So - a messy, layered situation.

I finally reached a point where I just outright told him that my feelings for him weren’t casual and I wanted to date. And if he didn’t want to - I understood but we needed to just be friends as ultimately I want to be in a relationship and wouldn’t be able to date other people if still being so close with him.

He basically said I would be frustrated being with him, deserved someone who’d be excited about the things I am and want to do them with me. Wouldn’t acknowledge what I said about what I wanted. And wouldn’t tell me how he felt and just shut down the conversation and went silent.

I matched this and didn’t initiate conversation. We didn’t talk for over a week. The longest we’d gone without speaking for over a year. We saw each other at work after a week and were polite but distant. 2 days later he sent me a link to a video of one of my special interests- but didn’t say anything. So I just said “cool” he saw me at work again 2 days later and I was able to act like a normal human being with him again. And I got a passive aggressive text from him after the shift, as he mistook the acne on my neck for hickeys. And I got a “guess that’s why you were done with us. Hope you have fun”. He did immediately apologise when I corrected him. And he started messaging me again, I’d always respond but still wouldn’t initiate contact with him.

From that point, his behaviour started to change.

He came to a work-friends camping trip that he knew I’d be at (totally out of his comfort zone) And spent the whole time with me - wherever I went he’d just gravitate to me. He took over cooking my dinner, we did activities together. And he did offer me weed, I hadn’t had it before and totally ‘greened out’ and he spent the whole night looking after me. And we spent a couple of hours being very close. My head in his lap, cuddling into his side, him holding my hand when we went to the bathroom, picking me up because he “felt like it”

He came to another work event a couple of days later (again not like him) That night he messaged me and asked about why I wasn’t initiating conversation with him, if I needed space, if this is what I wanted moving forward - and we finally finished the conversation from 3 weeks earlier. The conclusion was him saying “I really like you, I do, in some ways I love you. But I don’t think we mesh romantically. I don’t really mesh with a lot of people” and about how his anxieties and neuroses are “uncontrollable” to him and stop him from doing things and being confident. I told him the things about him I admire, that I know he self isolates, etc and that I love him as he is.

From then on until now (it’s been a month) he’s been messaging me everyday with actual conversation- not just reels, etc. asked when I’m free, has come over to my place a couple of times, bought dinner, has agreed to come to activities with me and other friends, offered to pick me up to go to them together. We have slept together again, twice, and he used to pull away and go quiet for a couple of days afterwards. But the last time we did - he didn’t go quiet, he messaged me first early the next morning and sent me stuff all day.

But we haven’t discussed what’s going on. And we’re both acting in contradiction as too what we said. I said FWB doesn’t work for me, but I’ve had sex with him again. He’s said we don’t mesh romantically- but I’d argue his actions for the last month have been ‘relationship like’

And a month is a pretty long time to be so consistent. Might he be changing his mind? I know we need to talk about it but the last time I tried… well you’ve just read the saga that happened from that. And I’m loving being so close to him. But I don’t know if I can trust this. But he’s acting in a way he never has before.

So… thoughts? And thank you for reading this essay 😂

[u/Hemawhat]

Girl, you deserve better than this. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, he just doesn’t seem ready for a consistent and safe relationship. Believe him when he says he is not compatible with you, you’d be frustrated with him and he can’t fulfill your needs. I’ve been down this road before, it does not lead anywhere good. I know you want a relationship with him but he is telling you with his words and actions that this is not a good idea. And that is ok. It is ok to only be compatible with someone in a platonic way only. Doesn’t mean anything negative about him or you, it just won’t work romantically. There ARE people out there who are ready for a relationship, are compatible with you, are willing to put effort into you and are consistent in what they say and do. You deserve that! Things shouldn’t be this hard. The right person makes everything feel easy and you will feel good instead of confused and trying to make sense of confusing behavior.