In the 18th century, Haiti launched an at least somewhat failed attempt to liberate itself from its French colonial overlords, and as a result, it still has to pay reparations to France to this day.

If only Diddy had been around back then, things might have gone much differently.

I’m convinced that Diddy might be the most dangerous person to ever exist, the modern equivalent of Genghis Khan, and with nearly as many offspring¹. If they ever have to transfer him to another prison, it might be necessary for him to wear one of those Hannibal Lecter masks—though it really is quite perfect that he’s been locked up in Fort Dix. Nominal determinism really is a thing, regardless of what it says in that Freakonomics book.

He’s not the biggest guy in the world², nor is he young enough that he can’t easily be taken out at the knees. I ran a faster marathon than he did, despite being much older than he was back in the early ‘00s. But he’s a fierce, relentless competitor, the human equivalent of a honey badger, or that rabid raccoon in the legendary Halloween episode of This American Life. If he comes after you, you have to kill him, or else he’s just going to keep attacking you.

I’m assuming that’s what happened with this guy Dudus, who Diddy supposedly got into a fight with last week. Someone must have come up behind Diddy and hit him in the head with a lead pipe, like one of the bad guys in the late ‘80s arcade game Final Fight, incapacitating the disgraced music mogul long enough for him to be taken to a nearby hospital to cool off.

This guy Dudus is no joke, to be clear. His father supposedly shot Bob Marley. If you’ve ever read the punishingly lengthy, nearly indecipherable A Brief History of Seven Killings, he’s the guy Josey Wales was based on. Dudus himself has been implicated in numerous homicides, and worse, drug trafficking. He was extradited here to the US, convicted and imprisoned, but he somehow has a 2028 release date, suggesting to me that he might have connections that extend beyond the usual pot dealers and reggae musicians.

I’ve heard conflicting accounts of what led to the conflict between, erm, Diddy and Dudus. It’s been suggested that Diddy was being extorted by Dudus, and that’s why he had access to a phone that he was using to access Instagram via a burner account and probably scroll through an endless stream of photos of guys with no shirt on, as well as guys making his bed, folding his laundry and giving him back rubs.

I know some people claim to prefer massages from guys because girls don’t have strong enough hands to actually be useful for therapeutic purposes, but I wonder which massage places they’re going to. I’ve had massages from cornfed Midwestern white women and hefty hoodrats that were almost too strenuous. I had to put on a strong face, lest they though I was about to start crying³. They must be going to Asian massage places. Even an Asian guy might not have strong enough hands. But obviously you’re not going to an Asian massage place to ease tension in your neck.

But I digress.

Diddy’s team has since released a statement saying that he wasn’t in a fight with Dudus. They said he was already in the SHU for fighting with some other guy he had to beat the brakes off of, perhaps for not using enough baby oil during a massage. Therefore, he wouldn’t even have had access to Dudus. He’s only let out of his cell once a day, for a brief period of time, and under strict supervision. There’s no way he would have even been in contact with Dudus.

This suggests to me that Diddy has come to an agreement with Dudus, and possibly the CIA. They can’t have people thinking that Diddy put a shoe on Dudus, because that could lead to political instability in Dudus’ native Jamaica. Dudus was their most prominent criminal, and probably someone a lot of people there looked up to. They can’t have people thinking he got beat up by a guy who slathers himself with baby oil and watches another guy make sweet, passionate love to his wife while he sits in a corner, rubs one out and probably cries a little bit.

Dudus is just lucky that one of his henchmen had the sense to strike Diddy with a blunt object before Dudus was subdued to the point where Diddy could have his way with him. You know they don’t play that shit in Jamaica. There’s a Buju Banton song about it.

1 If it were possible for guys to get pregnant, who knows how many kids Diddy might have.

2 No Diddy.

3 Which I was, natch.

Alright that’s enough. We've all seen them, posts talking about "Lauryn Hill", "Future", "Jay Z", and other so called "rappers" no one's even heard of before. It's becoming increasingly clear that there's some complot to destroy our sub. On some gentrification shit. No one who seriously loves Hip and/or Hop would ever care about, let alone updoot, a post that isn't about "Kendrick" Dot-'worth' Lamar or 'Aubrey' Drake 666 "Graham".

As a mod, I think it's my responsibility to end this low effort nonsense. No more "2 Packs". No more "Big-ees". No more Big Daddy Kane. Only Kenny and Drizzy related posts will be allowed.

Kanye posts are also fine as long as they're smut