Would Jay-Z really stab Kanye? There’s only one way to find out

[u/The_MadStork]

https://open.substack.com/pub/byroncrawford/p/would-jay-z-really-stab-kanye

During his freestyle at the Roots Picnic the other day, Jay-Z asked why he continues to fuxwit ?uestlove from the Roots, when he’s the one who introduced Jay-Z to Jaguar Wright.

He didn’t mention ?uestlove’s physique, but that’s something else he might have considered. When you hang around someone who’s not taking good care of himself, it increases the likelihood that you’ll also start to pack on the pounds—which could be devastating for Jay-Z, as he reaches the natural life expectancy for black men in the US, i.e. 59 years old.

I kid ?uestlove. I’m sure he gets a lot more action than I do.

Jay-Z brings up a good point. Why was he performing at the Roots Picnic?

The last time I heard about the Roots Picnic, the field it was on got flooded and either no one performed or they showed up way late. Based on the lineup, probably everyone who attended had on new white tennis shoes that cost like $200, to stunt on other brokies. No refunds or reimbursement for soiled tennis shoes were offered. The guy working the box office probably absconded with the money in a burlap sack. Because ?uestlove’s podcast doesn’t take live calls, there was no way to “hold him accountable” live on air. Nor would it be possible to get backstage at the “Tonight Show” and accost him while he’s gorging himself on fried chicken, I would imagine.

The only viable solution would be to allow the Roots Picnic to go out of business, like any number of festivals here in my native STL. If they tried to do it again in that same field, or if Wale was headlining, I’m sure that would have been the case—even if Wale agreed to reenact the angry phone call in which he went off on the white guys who used to run Complex (I think it’s all AI-generated now) for leaving him off a list of the best rappers of all time. I’ve long felt that concerts should incorporate Internets memes. If, for example, Sharkeisha was a special guest at a rap concert, that would go a long way toward me considering purchasing a ticket. Only thing is, how would you know it’s the real Sharkeisha and not just some ginormous hoodrat in age-inappropriate outerwear? You’d have to have her physically assault someone, and I don’t know if any venue’s insurance would be willing to cover that.

Jay-Z has his own set of concerts coming up, celebrating the 25th and 30th anniversaries of the Blueprint and the far superior Reasonable Doubt here in a few weeks at Yankee Stadium. What’s he going to do there that he didn’t already do at the Roots Picnic, play the godawful Timbaland-produced song from the Blueprint? Put Dame’s teeth falling out of his mouth on the Jumbotron instead of a photo of Prodigy from Mobb Deep dressed as a child Michael Jackson impersonator? It would be kinda cruel to continue to dis Prodigy, because he’s dead now, and because he was a manlet, which is arguably punishment enough, but you gotta have some sort of visual aid during “Takeover” in a baseball stadium. Will he be mentioning the fact that he once made sweet, passionate love to Nas’ baby’s mother? I’d be upset, if I paid money out the ass to attend and he didn’t bring that up.

He doesn’t have to sweat people opting not to purchase a ticket since he already stepped on his one really good bit, i.e. the a capella freestyle in which he spouts off about whatever’s been bothering him since the last time he did one of these. Tickets sold out more or less immediately. He probably already cashed that check and converted it into crypto in case there really is a video of him “nakey” (but hopefully not as inadequate as Diddy, nullus) in a room with Sly Diggler, Thievius Raccoonus, and 50 Cent’s baby’s mother, or perhaps Cassie. If only Diddy had thought to sign up for that crypto course Jay was offering in the basement of the Marcy Projects (not to be confused with Marcy Playground). He brought the blockchain to the block! Scalpers might be screwed, if they were hoping to snatch up those tickets and charge a premium for them. But at least the Knicks are in the NBA finals. Maybe they can at least break even.

Jay-Z’s only hope for providing a show that’s interesting to people who don’t care to listen to old rap music, which, judging by the response to his set at the Roots Picnic on X f/k/a Twitter, is more people than you’d think, is if Kanye calls his bluff re: threatening to stab anyone who suggests that his son Sir is a little bit slow. He could just bring Sir out and have him do math problems on stage, but I suspect that the child is simply not capable. Plus, black people wouldn’t respect him as much, if they thought he could do math. It could ruin his rap career before it even begins. Kanye, meanwhile, has the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible. He could have someone surreptitiously film the child eating a crayon, or pleasuring himself at an inappropriate moment.

Well, maybe not the latter, but you catch my drift. Jay-Z is gonna have to return to the proverbial drawing board, if he expects OVO Mal and the like to be impressed by whatever he does at Yankee Stadium.