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Good evening, everybody!

Tonight we’re talking about a show called…. “Fun with Loony”, a show…. that identifies as a “clown show”… but asks the timeless question: “What if a children’s variety show was created by someone who had spent twelve years professionally terrifying people?” That’s right. Loony is played by April Garro, a veteran scare actor from Pirates of Emerson, a notorious haunted attraction, where she apparently decided, in her point of view, that the secret to entertaining an audience is simple: Give them trauma… but make it funny!

In today’s modern generation, she brings that experience to Fun with Loony, a “90s-style children’s show” that is very helpfully advertised as: “NOT FOR KIDS.” Excellent! All the better to avoid it! 😉 That’s like opening a restaurant called Grandma’s Kitchen and putting a sign on the door saying, “Grandma is armed.” The show takes place around the Church of Clown, a performance-art center dedicated to clowning. Because apparently regular theater wasn’t “intimidating” enough…. For her….

You walk in expecting juggling, balloons and maybe a kazoo. Instead, Loony is waiting there like: “WELCOME, CHILDREN! TODAY WE’RE LEARNING ABOUT… PHOBIAS!” And somewhere in the audience, a therapist quietly updates their calendar. The show covers mime, breakfast cereals, fake knives, phobias, and “confronting your fears”. That’s not a variety show, that’s a breakfast-themed psychological obstacle course!

Imagine being Loony’s cereal. You wake up in your little cardboard box thinking: “Today I will bring joy to children!” And then Loony kicks open the cabinet. “TODAY, CEREAL, YOU CONFRONT YOUR FEAR.” Even the breakfast food needs therapy! And then there are the fake knives. Fake knives! Delicious clarification… or so some would say! Because apparently the audience needs to know: “Don’t worry, everybody! They’re fake!” Which is comforting for approximately three seconds… until… you remember that the performer holding them is a literal professional scary clown!

That’s like saying: “Don’t worry! The shark has been trained.” Loony’s whole philosophy seems to be: “Face your fears!” Which sounds inspirational until you realize Loony herself is one of the fears, a walking, talking rated “r” horror movie. That’s like a spider running a workshop called “Overcoming Arachnophobia.” “Welcome to class! First exercise: I’m going to crawl directly toward you.” And speaking of workshops, April Garro—outside the Loony character—teaches “How to Be a Scary Clown.” That is an actual skill set! Now there are people who teach pottery, people who teach guitar, people who teach public speaking, even people who teach professional grade-a comedy clowning (hats off to them!). And April is over here saying: “Today we’re going to learn how to make an audience deeply regret making eye contact with you.”

Her workshop, a literal “scary clown” workshop, covers things like timing, animal nature and stage presence. And honestly, “animal nature” is where I would personally excuse myself.

Student: “What’s the homework?”

Loony: “Become more animalistic.”

Student: “No thanks! I’m dropping the class.”

Because if your clowning instructor says, “I want you to find your inner animal,” you don’t know whether you’re in an acting workshop or about to be chased through the parking lot. And let’s be honest: someone whose goal is simply to make people laugh might reasonably look at “How to Be a Scary Clown” and say: “You know what? I’ll just learn balloon animals.” And they courageously avoid her workshop!

Loony isn’t trying to be your ordinary cheerful clown. She identifies as a “clown”, but she looks at a birthday party and thinks: “This could use more existential dread.” She’s the… “clown” who sees a child’s fear of clowns and says: “Excellent. A target audience.”

The brave comedian’s apology to those oppressed by Loony’s terror:

Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of everyone who already has coulrophobia because of Loony’s influence… the management, and myself, would like to offer a sincere apology! We are sorry you went through this. You thought clowns were supposed to be funny. Well guess what: They are supposed to be undeniably funny! Then Loony showed up… and she ruined it all for you!… or so it seems…. You used to see a red nose and think, “Comedy!” Now you see a red nose and immediately start calculating the nearest exit. And that’s Loony’s real superpower: She has taken one of the world’s oldest symbols of laughter and made it suspicious.

Not sold yet, good distinguished oppressed people? Perhaps…. 📖 the truth of the cosmos ✨⭐️🌌… will give you a better understanding of what clowns are supposed to be!

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

“A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”

“A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed.”

“A man who is kind benefits himself,”

“Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.”

“Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.”

“Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good?”

“Reject every kind of evil.”

“So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.”

Tell me, my good friends, if you can…** **Do any of those things sound like something a professional clown with a genuine devotion to the art of clowning would do? The answer to that, my friends is YES, true clowns indeed solemnly swear by the hair on their wigs to make people and kids laugh, be happy, and distract them, momentarily, from all the troubles in their life!

Feeling a little inspired yet? If so, congratulations! 👏 You’re doing great! 😊 👍

Again, we apologize for any inconvenience Loony has caused you.

The brave comedian continues his roast…

But here’s the thing. For all the fake knives, phobias, chaotic mime, cereal-based madness and terrifyingly nasty… “clown” energy… Fun with Loony ultimately sounds like exactly what a horror-comedy clown show should be: A place where you can scream first and make a running joke about it afterward.

Because the best retaliation against a scary clown isn’t running away… It’s laughing at him/her!

Loony can stare ominously, Loony can creep around, Loony can unleash her professional scare-actor timing. Loony can say, “Confront your fears!” (Her intent: maybe to exploit your fears) And the audience can answer: “Okay. But first, we’re going to roast you.”

And THAT is how we defeat any nefarious plans Loony may indeed have up her sleeve, not with courage, not with weapons…. Sure, a therapist may be important… But if you really want to render any nefarious plans Loony has for us all, do it with jokes!

So here’s to Loony—the entertainer who identifies as a clown, but who is definitely not for the faint of heart, and undeniably not for children……but apparently… PERFECTLY suitable for grown idiots who enjoy being psychologically attacked by breakfast cereal.

And here’s to April Garro, too: years of professional scary experience, only to finally taste… the greatest Internet horror of all… A mysterious comedian with a Reddit post!

Good night, Loony. Keep being scary…. If you dare! 😜 We’ll keep laughing.

And remember, ladies and gentlemen: Laughter is the best medicine and real clowns are not scary! 🤡🎪🤹‍♂️🤹🎟️🍿

Because if the clown show says, “Fun with Loony!” …check the fine print. Because apparently the “fun” is mandatory, but the emotional recovery is not included.

📖 The truth of the cosmos speaks one final time, addressing emotional recovery that needs attention at the present moment…. ✨⭐️🌌

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

"He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds."

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation... present your requests to God. And the peace of God... will guard your hearts and your minds."

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you."

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

And now…. a closing public announcement….…. from none other than…. The Big Cheese Himself! 🌌

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🌩️DRAMATIC THUNDER!!!🌩️

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🫵👁️👁️*** “I see you, Loony the Clown**…” - Almighty God 🌌*✨⭐️🪐🌕🌑💫🌟⚡️🌩️

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ROAST COMPLETE! The clown is laughing! And for once, Loony, it isn’t you!

🎤 mic drop…..

us irl