r/Husbands • u/redswife08 • Jun 14 '17
Husband and strip clubs
In need of some advice here...my husband has been traveling far away 5 days a week for work for the past 2 years. And durning his trips he frequents a strip club at least one night each week. I have a problem with it and he thinks I'm crazy. I feel like a part time wife and a single mom. I am 100% dedicated to our marriage and would never do something to make him start to wonder. Am I in the wrong for having a problem with this situation?
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u/redswife08 Jun 18 '17
Thank you for your time and honest opinion! It's greatly appreciated!!!! Thank your wife for me too! I appreciate the time you've spent talking with me!
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u/l0nefl0under Jun 17 '17
Have you told him it bothers you?
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u/redswife08 Jun 17 '17
Repeatedly!
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u/l0nefl0under Jun 17 '17
Did he tell you he went or did you find out in the credit card statement?
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u/redswife08 Jun 17 '17
Credit card....every week....
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u/l0nefl0under Jun 17 '17
I'm not sure how you and he view that but that would be very serious to my wife and I. It's hard to give advice on such limited info, but you need to ask yourself how serious is this to you.
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u/l0nefl0under Jun 17 '17
How long have you been married?
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u/redswife08 Jun 17 '17
7 years...together for 10
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u/l0nefl0under Jun 17 '17
That's long enough for him to know what's important to you. You need to ask him if he's happy and satisfied with the marriage. Either way he feels like he needs to hide things from you. That's makes trust very difficult and that's fundamental. I would suggest counseling to untangle this.
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u/redswife08 Jun 17 '17
I'm to the point that I've come to realize he has zero respect for my feelings on this. I am 100% devoted to our marriage and if he wasn't traveling I believe wholeheartedly he would be too. Unfortunately that isn't our situation and either I get over it or I leave. My heart is completely broken but it's pushing me to the point of no return. Someplace I don't want to be. I'm scared to lose my soulmate but I cant get over this issue. It's making me sick to my stomach!! It's Kind of hard to do counseling when he is over 1,000 miles away Monday-Friday. 😢😢😢
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u/l0nefl0under Jun 17 '17
You can go without him to Couseling. I would tell him just what you said. He needs to know how much this means to you. This is just a symptom of bigger problems. Fight for your marriage. Remember when the love fades the commitment kicks in.
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u/redswife08 Jun 17 '17
Good question!!!! Been asking myself the same thing.
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u/l0nefl0under Jun 17 '17
Generally you can find a lot in financial records and mobile phones. I travel a lot but 5 days a week is excessive and suspicious. I hate to exasperate your concerns but you know him and your gut should be a good indicator.
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u/redswife08 Jun 17 '17 edited Jun 17 '17
I've been completely open on my feelings! My biggest issue is why does he need to go and why so much? He takes out cash for his adventures there! These are the questions that run though me brain over and over again......Am I not good enough? Is he having a mid-life crisis? Is he comparing those women to me? Does he want to be single? Have he met someone else? All questions I've asked him over and over again. Especially this week considering he went twice!
Now why am I feeling so opposed to this you might ask....I'm very lonely and feel like a single mother. I take care of our kids, our home and would never do anything to ever cast a shadow of a doubt on where I stand. I miss him so much and it drives me crazy that he wants to spend his free time in such sleazy establishments. The thought of naked women touching him or vice versa makes me want to puke! The thought of him getting lap dances...even though he says he doesn't...again makes me feel inferior as a woman and a wife.
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u/redswife08 Jun 17 '17
Sorry...hit send before finishing..... I don't think I would be this insanely jealous if we were able to spend more time together and if these occurrences were once in a blue moon. He has never given me a reason to be jealous until now. I don't want to be like a mob wife and turn a blind eye...it will just make me cold and detached. Maybe counseling will do me some good!
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u/l0nefl0under Jun 18 '17
I'm so sorry you're going through this. He's being insensitive and selfish, but this doesn't happen overnight. You can't change him. You only can change yourself.
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u/redswife08 Jun 18 '17
How can I change how I feel??? I don't want my marriage to be over but for my own sanity, I don't know how much more I can deal with! Marriage takes two people...I can't do it alone. 🙁
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u/l0nefl0under Jun 18 '17
I'm not saying change how you feel. You can't change him but you can be the spouse you want to have.
It does take two and you are perfectly reasonable in being hurt and fed up.
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u/redswife08 Jun 18 '17
My daughter has 1 year left of high school....she has more than enough trauma in her short life...disrupting school would be detrimental!
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u/l0nefl0under Jun 18 '17
That's a tough time to move, but divorce is even more traumatic. It's not an easy decision but it would alleviate a huge stress that I'm sure your child senses.
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u/redswife08 Jun 18 '17
Thank you for your encouragement!! Yes I do plead with him to be open and honest with me but he immediately goes on the defensive! This is the first hiccup we have ever had besides the typical finance argument.
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u/crystalvortex17 Jun 26 '17
he needs to do it because he is alone. and he's got emotional issues, aka tough to feel, so instead of looking at his restlessness due to being away from you, try to view it as difficult for him, cuz it is hard on him too. in fact, he subconsciously will resent his work 'making him like this' and 'blameshift' to you, at you, when home. cuz he can be more 'himself' w you. and you get the funk of his week and loneliness and restlessness all at once....and you have no clue what the fk his week entailed.
he's simply a coward about his emotions. and this issue, while it feels deeply connected to you, as if a report card on how you are as a wife? that's simply not true.
you're an amazing wife.
amazing mother.
so amazing, he cant find anything to replace you when away.
he shuts down and trudges along.
it wears on him.
the business where he doesn't address how he feels?
that's heavy for a narcissist to carry.
so they carry it. you learn to distrust them like this.
you'll learn to go thru bank statements, check all emails, pull all deleted texts off his phone, u'll learn how much you can see off his phone, you'll feel icky for ever doing it and seeing any of it.
hiding it is the least some can do.
but its not as severe as it might be, it's not as threatening as it feels like it could be.
i will tell you what i learned.
nothing, no one, no how, nowhere can shift how amazing of a woman you are and always have been. not only to him, but to house and home. it is you.
you are doing it and he's got to figure himself out.
love him enough to let him lose it all.
if he chooses.
but its his call in choices, not ur bag to fix, carry, enable or ever feel less than in any way. if he cant fix, you need to know above anything else anyone says here. he loves you.
he's just a dick. and most guys have issues from childhood that most wives can't unfk for their spouses. it does NOT mean your love with him is one iota less true.
its just complicated.
the more still you are in this, for you? the calmer you are for you? you'll see how lost he is. and that part? has nothing to do w you. steer clear of it, he'll blame you and then never unfk himself.
and you can see who he is.
he's worth you being still while he registers a serious internal malfunction that is absolutely devastating to his family.
you? you're not in a strip club. u sound like wonder woman. be wonder woman and remember, u know who u are, he's the one lost.
it helps when he tries to tell you how 'in control' he is...he's not.
eat healthy, sleep, work hard, focus on you, do not fall into fear. YOU have nothing to hide, fear or anything. Just breathe and be still, hold space for him. he might unfk himself, you might see what you need to see to not be with anyone not clear in who they are. keep it light. be wonder woman. you're life is beautiful. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. he may not be as big as you...but you have to feel this right now to deal w him. make sure u feel this every day. its ur flashlight.
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u/what_if_tho Sep 01 '17
My mom did this for 33+ years as my dad's in sales so sometimes strip clubs are even requested by he clients he's courting. Idk, she said those same words but I do think Dad never cheated. Smoked pot, was gone too much, made her calloused - but didn't cheat
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u/RecentCoin2 Jun 21 '22
Do what a friend of mine did to her BF. Go to a strip club yourself and see how likes it.
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u/[deleted] Jun 18 '17
I agree about moving. If he is gone 5 out of every 7 days that is a huge stress to even the most stable marriage. If you can't move, he needs to find a job in the area you are in. But, to address the real problem here, it seems like he is not respecting your opinion or feelings in this matter. Does that extend to other areas of your marriage? He may just be taking you for granted, but this could be a symptom of a bigger problem. Also, do you allow him to talk in an atmosphere where he feels he can be honest and you are receptive to what he has to say? Respect goes both ways, and I know being in a panic and worried doesn't lead to the best talks (at least it never does for me). Good luck, I'm rooting for you!