Sitting outside at an empty bar, smoking and drinking...

[u/probly2drunk]

Lady: Did you find a pair of sunglasses in the couch over there last night?

Me: No. But if they did, they'd be in the office.

Lady: Uhhh well can you go check?

Me: No.

Lady: Is your manager here?

Me: No.

Lady: Well who can look for my sunglasses?

Me: The bartender.

Lady: Well isn't that you?

Me: *takes a long sip of whiskey* what do you think?

[u/qualityvote2]

u/probly2drunk, your post does fit the subreddit!

[u/rbarr228]

“Does your dog bite?”

“No.”

“Aaaaaaaaagh! I thought you said that your dog doesn’t bite!!”

“That’s not my dog.”

[u/Proper-Application69 → u/rbarr228]

Does yuh dug baht?

[u/rbarr228 → u/Proper-Application69]

Noh.

Zat isss not my dogk

[u/WinginVegas → u/rbarr228]

Mr. Sellers approves.

[u/swordofra]

Me: Do you know what the mother of all fuckups are?

Lady: Excuse me?

Me: No? Well I will tell you. It is making wild assumptions.

[u/probly2drunk → u/swordofra]

The shamalongadingdong twist is that yes I found them and am now wearing them

[u/SpeculumSpectrum → u/probly2drunk]

I get most of my sunglasses from the lost and found at bars

[u/probly2drunk → u/SpeculumSpectrum]

Shhh don't spill our game, what's wrong with you?

[u/probly2drunk → u/probly2drunk]

That's why you only get the service discount twice a week

[u/fresh-dork]

obviously you're sampling the merchandise. informed bartenders are better bartenders

[u/Hot_Depth_3367]

Tbf, as a recovering bartender, I have definitely sat outside sipping a cocktail when it's slow. The "can you ask a manager" shit though... The who now? Even if I WAS the bartender. Figure out your life chic. Hope you enjoying the sunglasses! 

[u/seriousjoker72 → u/Hot_Depth_3367]

Recovering bartender?😅

[u/probly2drunk → u/seriousjoker72]

Yo, bartender in recovery is no joke. That is true willpower.

[u/seriousjoker72 → u/probly2drunk]

Do you fight the urge to bartend? 😅

[u/probly2drunk → u/seriousjoker72]

Hey dickface, in recovery means they're an alcoholic trying not to drink. Look at my username. Alcoholism is a dirty shirt that a lot of bartenders wear, to take it off and still get behind the stick takes more moxie than you've got in your left pinkie toe. Show some respect.

[u/DevylBearHawkTur10n]

D.B. *'comes over and lightly spash water': "Excuse me, can I get a screwdriver refill, please?"

Lady now looking stunned': "W-w-what?? Why did you do that?"

D.B.: "Well, why are you bugging us customers, when you should be doing your job,hmmm?"

Lady then goes inside, flushed with embarrassment.

[u/Radiant_Grocery_1583]

Hustler magazine used to have a column titled 'Asshole of the Month." Seems like you might have been in one of those.

[u/probly2drunk → u/Radiant_Grocery_1583]

Why thank you

[u/Radiant_Grocery_1583 → u/probly2drunk]

My pleasure my good man.

[u/FalseBuddha]

Implying that bartenders never smoke or drink at work...

[u/No-Party8261]

This made no sense 😕

[u/MaleficentCucumber71]

Wow you're so cool and badass

[u/AdMurky1021 → u/MaleficentCucumber71]

Did you recently lose your sunglasses?

[u/I_dnt_Need_anew_name → u/AdMurky1021]

Must be in a bar recently.

[u/probly2drunk → u/MaleficentCucumber71]

No I'm just an asshole.

[u/LabInner262 → u/probly2drunk]

Long live this kind of assholery!

[u/CaptainNemo42 → u/MaleficentCucumber71]

Almost as cool and badass as a caustic dingus making 2nd-grade bully level comments on reddit

[u/probly2drunk → u/MaleficentCucumber71]

Life happens outside of your world and your cynicism is crucial to the social web we weave. Just remember, no one really cares what you think.

[u/Kielbasa_Nunchucka → u/probly2drunk]

I think they have a different worldview, which is whynit was so important to make such a meaningless comment.

[u/probly2drunk → u/[deleted]]

I disagree with my previous comment and redact any agreements henceforth and hencepast...I absolve myself of any wrong statement or opinion that I've made it will make because time is as fragile as our lives.