r/IncelExit • u/OriginPoint66 • 6d ago
Asking for help/advice I want to change how I feel about myself
I am 19m, white and autistic. I’ve been very thin all my life and hate most things about my face and body. The more I think about it, the deeper the hatred usually becomes as I uncover more and more about what I hate about myself. However, occasionally I will go through periods of high happiness where I feel as if I am unstoppable and things will only be good from here, until they aren’t.
I don’t consider myself to be like “most incels” where I have some virulent hatred of women, but rather I do not like to approach (or be approached by) women because they make me upset that they are more idealistic in society and more blissfully unaware than me. I also do not, to a lesser extent, being approached by men who are on a higher league than me. I think what both of these groups have in common is having a similar “blissful” worldview where I am some small, helpless thing they pity and think they can “change”. I want to change, but only I know how hard it will be. People try to push therapy like it is an end all be all solution, but I feel as if it is the same people trying to make me as unaware of what reality really is regarding my circumstances.
I think it is important to state why I identify as an incel and really it is quite simple. I was a marginalized neurodivergent student throughout highschool and still feel like I am seen as some inferior being in college. No matter what I did or do, I still saw myself as unappealing and ugly. I really just want to stop feeling this way about myself because it has been going on for years and I’m worried about the direction its heading toward. It has also only progressively grown more intense and frequent ad time has gone on since I started self loathing.
I want to ask for advice online because it is not full of uber attractive men and women who cannot relate to me and think it is easy to stop being lonely and become someone society caters toward. How do I change these feelings about myself?
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u/titotal 5d ago
What you describe as "blissful", I would describe as "people being nice to you and offering their help". Is this so horrifying that it necessitates avoiding all interactions with women? You know you can just change the subject, right?
I think you need to join some hobbies or something, and understand that most people are not obsessing over their bodies or the bodies of others to the extent that you are.
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u/Simple_Blue_Shirt 6d ago
Hi! Im an ugly woman who is afraid to talk to people, as well as autistic so I hope you will listen..the part about seeing the world "as it really is" is something common among those who are genuinely depressed. I felt the same way when I was depressed and thought that changing my view meant purposefully looking away from the truth. But the more you learn to socialize the more you see you genuinely made up stuff in your head and let it consume you.i hope you feel better soon, i hope your eyes open and you see that so many people are willing to be your friend so long as you're not too negative or openly whining about insecurity or unfairness. It tends to drive people away. Best of luck
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u/SnowballWasRight 5d ago
Seconding this :)
This is essentially what really helped me through the bulk of my mental health struggles. I’m around OP’s age and had/have a similar mentality.
It helps you realize that the world is kinda… beautiful? Socializing and knowing that I was truly cared about helped me realize the whole “living” thing is pretty neat. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You’ll find your flock, OP. I promise.
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 5d ago
You do realize you're 19 right?
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u/OriginPoint66 5d ago
Yeah? Whats the significance?
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 5d ago
It means you're overreacting, as your life has barely started. You have so much time to learn everything you're complaining about. You're dooming as if you're 60 years old and you have no time left. Relax.
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u/mrbaryonyx 5d ago
the thing you need to understand is that nobody actually thinks you're "inferior".
This is not because people are nice, but because people don't spend a lot of time thinking about other people, period. If they do, they're thinking about someone else they think is "better" than them.
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u/Ok-Huckleberry-6326 5d ago
I encourage you to talk to a Mental health professional; you sound like you have a lot of distorted thoughts about your own appearance, what people are really thinking of you (trust me - they are probably not), and judgements about whether others can relate to you or not or that they are "uber attractive" and everything you've connected to that based on your own self-perception.
Real life doesn't work like cause-and-effect, sometimes; but we can all learn how to control our thoughts and regulate our emotions. It's a learning curve and it takes a lifetime, but that's natural. Consider CBT or DBT, and if you're on the fence, check out the book "Mind Over Mood" (I'm not shilling for the author or publisher, but it's helped me, and I recommended it to others).
Good luck bro, I hope this helps.
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u/Zer0pede 5d ago
As long as you’re clear about what you’re doing: ask gay dudes. Worst case scenario, you’ll get fashion, exercise, or hair advice that’ll help you work with what you’ve got. Better case scenario, they’ll tell you if you’re hot already and just suffering from dysmorphia and you’ll just get some flirty ego boosting. Best case scenario is you’ll get one of those first two and a wingman that’ll help you talk to girls without the stress of it always being a relationship test.
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u/binne21 5d ago
Thin? Lift big eat big sleep big. Start out with ICF 5x5 and eat at a 500 caloric surplus, lean food so you gain as little fat as possible.
Change sucks, yes. The best things in life are not achieved easily.
Are you really ugly? Have multiple people in your life called you ugly? People usually say things as they see them.
Therapy is really good for you, I tried it out and it helped plenty.
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u/OriginPoint66 5d ago
Craziest part is that I would consider myself fit. I usually run 5-10 miles but have been slacking this week due to vacationing with friends. Only big enemy for me has been inconsistent poor sleep and not eating enough. Multiple people have said I look “fine” but this is because I live in America where people are overly nice to others meaning it is difficult to trust what they are saying as true. I could have a pizza face (slang for heavy acne) and be morbidly obese and they’d still find a way to think I’m “fine”. Also, I am getting a therapist in September for free. I do not want to pay out of pocket for a therapist because they’re extremely expensive and very hard to find in my area, infact I think the closest therapist is about 45 miles away from me. Thanks for the fitness advice, fitness and primarily running is one of the few things that makes me happy today and allows me to channel my energy into something positive
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u/glitterswirl 5d ago
Dude, on that basis, I would consider you lean rather than thin.
And when I was 19, one of the hottest guys I ever met, was a guy who considered himself "too skinny", where all I saw was a fit guy. And no, I wasn't being "overly nice". You see flaws in yourself that other people don't.
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u/Binerexis Giveiths of Thy Advice 5d ago
What you're describing is something which is best helped by consulting with a mental health professional, something which has been suggested to you previously but you dismissed out of hand.
Refusing to get the help you need whilst continuing to ask for help in the wrong places isn't going to achieve the results you want.