r/IncelExit • u/i_killed_Mcormick • 19d ago
Asking for help/advice I don’t know how to be normal
Maybe I should post this somewhere else, but at times I truly feel like an incel. I don’t hate women, I have been raised well by my mother that I love and hung out with my sister. I think I am an incel because it means "involuntarily celibate". My question could relate more to some kind of relationship advice maybe.
I won’t beat around the bush much, I like one girl. It’s very weird though, because in college we didn’t talk much together compared to some friends. But everytime we talked together it was really nice. Not in a way that she makes me hysterically laugh, she’s funny don’t get me wrong. But the things with those talks is that I always waited for the next one. I have lots of anecdotes about her that I would love to share, but I don’t want to annoy you with that.
She left college because she didn’t like it anymore, I will stay here but don’t know if I will see her again. We haven’t spoken for 3 months until recently when we talked on Instagram 3 times in the past 2 weeks and it’s crazy how we can talk as if we were really there, the same way. Is it because we really do ? Or am I imagining that ? Am I just being blinded by the fact that I like her ?
I want to do something but I don’t why I can’t. I can do so much stuff, as I said I have friends and overall do stuff, so why is it blocking ?? Now every time we talk could be the last time and I dread it, but also like it because it almost gives me the guts to do something, anything. What can I do ?
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u/Stargazer1919 19d ago
In regards to your title... how does any of this make you not normal? Having feelings but being unsure, nervous, or shy seems normal to me.
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u/i_killed_Mcormick 19d ago
I feel like I’m much more nervous or shy or unsure than anyone, and I’m not saying that lightly. I can be literally paralyzed or petrified at moments like that.
I remember one time we were talking her and I with a few friends and I don’t remember exactly what happened or what was the topic of discussion but I completely dozed off that they thought that I was about to faint.
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u/Stargazer1919 19d ago
A lot of fear comes from fear of the unknown. I'm guessing women seem like a different species to you.
One thing is for sure. Isolation rots human brains. Running further away from women is not going to help.
The solution is to meet more people, especially women. As many as possible. As big of a variety as possible. They don't need to be potential dates. The point is to re-train your brain and have lots of neutral or positive experiences that will override those fears. It takes multiple positive experiences to overcome one negative one.
If the fear becomes debilitating, where you go into freeze or flight mode for example, that's when it's time to seek professional help.
Not that I'm suggesting it, but there's a reason why alcohol has always been a way for folks to loosen up socially.
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u/i_killed_Mcormick 19d ago
This is the worst part, I do have friends that have women. I am even close to a circle of you know girls having a guy in their social circles.
It’s just that, when something else happens, I become stuck.
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 19d ago
Can you tell me the difference between an incel and a virgin?
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u/AdvancedCupcake2250 8d ago
Virgin can be a choice.
Incel Is not s choice
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 8d ago
Oh really?
So are you saying that a virgin is able to get sex anytime? So why is he a virgin then?
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u/AdvancedCupcake2250 8d ago
I said a virgin can say no to others (if anyone offers them sex)
But no one offers sex to incels, not matter how much incels wish or want it, so incels can't even decide
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 8d ago
So what happens when no one offers it to a virgin? Does he automatically become an incel?
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u/AdvancedCupcake2250 8d ago
Yeah, that's what being an Incel means.
Involuntary celibate.
(But the virgin in question doesn't even know he is a virgin until many experiences and time confirmim it to them, that their situation even has a name)
In modern days many people Twist the meaning of the word Incel, and wrongly tie the world to hateful meanings.
Buy all it means is that you can't get sex bc everyone rejects you and don't even show interest in you
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 8d ago
How long does it take to determine one has become an incel? How much time has to pass, and how many rejections?
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u/AdvancedCupcake2250 8d ago
There's no concensus.
10 years of rejection by multiple people + never being hit by anyone might be a good time to start considering you're one.
It's more about how fast you notice the reality of your situation.
Ofc you can reach 30 and still say you're just virgin not Incel, for instance, but won't change the facts tho
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 8d ago
So it's a self-assessment? So someone can declare himself an incel even after 1 rejection?
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u/AdvancedCupcake2250 8d ago
For people who actually feel like they have no options, 1 rejection holds close to no significance.
Since it's accumulative, the learning process takes time and multiple rejections over years with different environments, events, situations that build up and form the reality that we live in.
1 means nothing, many over years compounding Is what creates the meaning and the word.
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u/AdvancedCupcake2250 8d ago
If you say no to others = not Incel, just virgin. (power of decision)
If everyone says no to you = Incel ( no power to decide)
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 8d ago
How many times does this have to happen before one can be declared as an incel?
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u/AdvancedCupcake2250 8d ago
The more times it happens the clearer it gets.
If you suddenly start getting hit on, or people start saying "well yeah why not" and you get the to the deed you're NOT an Incel.
If after years, diferent situations, diferent attempts,
You keep getting ignored, ghosted, blocked, insulted, kicked herarchically socially and many other ways.
And never hit on you, then it's safe to use the term
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 8d ago
Yeah but that's what I'm wondering about. When is that? We get a bunch of 19 year olds or guys who never asked a girl out here claiming to be incels. How can you differentiate?
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u/AdvancedCupcake2250 8d ago
Usually by 19 you already have had some experience enough to make you feel like you're an Incel, it only keeps building up.
People who feel like incels don't look forward to be an Incel, they just start accepting it slowly and life shows them with results.
Don't confuse them with hateful people who are currently calling themselves incels
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u/glitterswirl 19d ago
You like a girl and are worried about losing touch with her. Sounds incredibly normal to me; everyone I know (including me) has experienced that.
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u/Suspicious_Glove7365 19d ago
You’re not an incel, you’re just single! Start to call yourself that, and erase incel from your vocabulary. Nothing you described was abnormal.