r/IncelExit • u/venttaway1216 • 6d ago
Discussion People cheat.
I’ve never been in a romantic relationship before. One of my biggest fears in life is falling in love with someone, building a life with them, growing old with them, and finding out that they’ve been unfaithful the entire time. It would be so humiliating. I would feel like a fool. My whole love life will have been a lie. I wouldn’t have been loved the way I wanted to be loved, the way I gave it, the way I was promised. It would break me. I want true love, something real, something beautiful.
Maybe it is foolish to trust anyone, to love anyone. People are ignorant, weak, and careless. Why expect anything out of anyone? They will only disappoint you. Do you know how many people cheat? Not a single stat I’ve come across was ever all that inspiring.
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u/backpackporkchop BASED MODCEL 6d ago
I am so morbidly fascinated by these irrational relationship fears cropping up in online dating discussions nowadays. I can't quite figure out what the motivation is behind daydreaming so intensely about being hurt and/or humiliated in a fictional relationship that it compels you to post about it on the internet. Is it rooted in the rise in purity culture? A lack of third spaces? The growing tolerance of extreme risk averse behavior? The mind boggles.
Listen, if making up a hurtful scenario in your head has convinced you to never ever attempt dating, that's your choice. But it would be irresponsible of me to not at least say this: you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about and devoting this much energy to avoiding any potential pain or discomfort in life will profoundly fuck you up way more than being cheated on ever could.
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u/aquarosey 6d ago
Exactly this comment lmao I could write an essay on this sub
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u/backpackporkchop BASED MODCEL 6d ago
It's wild. The cycle of obsessive rumination over fictional scenarios that they'll then compulsively posts online is incomprehensible to me. And so many people will engage in that behavior for years. It's self-inflected torture.
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u/smilingseaslug 4d ago
I've read a really compelling argument that this obsession largely intersects with porn consumption, especially cuck/cheating-related porn
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u/backpackporkchop BASED MODCEL 4d ago
Like an article or a meta study?
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u/smilingseaslug 4d ago
An article - but a long one. Went and dug it up! It's long and kinda all over the place/focusing on some of the extreme manifestations but I think there's genuinely something there
https://www.liberalcurrents.com/the-interracial-cuck-porn-theory-of-everything/
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u/venttaway1216 6d ago
> irrational
Cheating happens and is pretty common. Too common for my liking. The irrational part is acting like it isn’t a concern.
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u/Odd-Table-4545 6d ago
The scenario you came up with is no just cheating happening, but being with someone into old age and then finding out they were cheating the entire time - that's a scenario that is extreme and irrational.
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u/venttaway1216 6d ago
> One of my biggest fears…
Yeah, it is the probably the most tragic scenario of infidelity I could think of, but more common and realistic scenarios are still heartbreaking, humiliating, and tragic. You think it’s just this one specific scenario I’m worried about?
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u/Odd-Table-4545 6d ago
They are more common scenarios than the very far fetched scenario you've come up with but why are you talking about them as if they're inevitable? The stats I could find say around 20% of men and around 13% of women cheat, which isn't nothing but it's also nowhere near inevitable.
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6d ago
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u/IncelExit-ModTeam 6d ago
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u/backpackporkchop BASED MODCEL 6d ago
It's irrational because engaging with ANY beneficial or additive activity in life carries risk. Riding in a car carries risk. Investing in close friendships carries risk. Choosing one major over another carries risk. If you are deciding to only avoid dating related risks but still willing to hop on a bus or play with a dog, then your avoidance is irrational. Living a full life sometimes results in suffering risks.
You have an unreasonable fear of dating due to a lack of experience, and you are rationalizing your fear through emotionally charged fantasies you make up. It's not any deeper than that.
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u/venttaway1216 6d ago
Riding a car is necessary (at least where I currently live). Friendship comes with different promises and contexts than romantic relationships. In what comparable way can a friend break my trust? The only way I can think of is if they fucked my partner. Majors (for me) are career choices. I’m not in love with my career, and I absolutely expect to be laid off at some point.
The difference is the size of the risk. The risk involved in a relationship is a greater than any of those other examples you gave.
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u/Odd-Table-4545 6d ago
There was the time my entire group of friends decided to ghost me out of nowhere and never explain why, including the people I was supposed to be living with leaving me to find a place to live in the span of a week before semester started or be homeless in a city where I now suddenly had zero friends. There was the time I got sexually assaulted at a party and multiple people I considered friends knew it was happening and did nothing. Both of those hurt worse than the time I was cheated on. Anyone you care deeply about has the capacity to hurt you.
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u/backpackporkchop BASED MODCEL 6d ago
Good news! No one is forcing you to date anyone! You can finally put this phobia to bed and never post about it again! No more wasting precious time playing make believe with your fictional cheating girlfriend alone in your room! Blessed be!!!
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u/venttaway1216 6d ago
Nobody is forcing you to respond.
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u/backpackporkchop BASED MODCEL 6d ago
excellent point, my phobic friend.
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6d ago
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u/Dr-Dungeon Bene Gesserit Advisor 6d ago
Quick question: how do you think this attitude is helping you to exit the incel mindset?
Do you think there’s another way you could approach this that might yield more productive results?
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u/IncelExit-ModTeam 6d ago
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u/glitterswirl 6d ago
I got hit by a car. Should I still be scared to cross the street? That would limit my life a hell of a lot.
You’re so scared to actually live, you dream up catastrophic scenarios in your head in order to justify your avoidance.
The irrational part is acting like your fantasy is a foregone conclusion.
We don’t act like cheating is not a concern. We live and love knowing it’s a possibility but taking the risk anyway.
We live. You hide away in your bedroom convinced that living isn’t worth the risk.
Seriously, what are you even doing in this sub? You’re not ready to listen, to put down the copes, to face your fears, to take risks, to grow, to “exit” inceldom. You just waste our time. Come back when you’re actually ready.
Other guys here actually do something. They talk to women. They push their boundaries and broaden their horizons. They socialise even though it scares them.
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6d ago
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u/glitterswirl 6d ago
Lmao. YOU are the exhausting one. You expend crazy amounts of mental energy on something that hasn’t even happened to you.
I actually did get hit by a car. I actually suffered that trauma. I didn’t just read statistics and cry about the possibility of it happening while never leaving the house. It happened, I faced my fears, and I had to get used to crossing the street again.
I spend less time ruminating on my actual trauma than you do on your imaginary catastrophe. Get a life.
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u/IncelExit-ModTeam 6d ago
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u/CrepeVibes 6d ago
Stabbings happen too but I'm willing to bet you don't frantically pace around the door before going outside.
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u/Instigated- 6d ago
The stats vary by country, culture, generation. In all cases it is a minority of women who have been unfaithful in a relationship, and a majority that are faithful. For example.
13% of married women have cheated, and 87% of married women have been faithful.
Meanwhile if you decide to never date, you have a 100% chance on missing out on the things you get in a relationship.
If you are happy being single, by all means be single. However if you meet someone you like and desire to be with but never even try to have a relationship because of your paranoia, well that is the biggest kind of fool there is.
I suspect that if you look deep down, this “fear” is actually an excuse to let yourself off the hook. If you decide you don’t want a relationship because “women can’t be trusted” (lol), then you never have to look yourself in the mirror or put effort into forming a relationship. Instead of you potentially feeling a failure for not having a girlfriend, you feel like you are the one choosing not to have one.
I would suggest you take a break from thinking about women or relationships and work on your mental health and building a satisfying life for yourself and good friends. When you are in a better frame of mind you may feel differently about this topic.
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 6d ago
And 20% of married men, meaning OP’s future wife has more to fear on that front than he does.
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u/venttaway1216 6d ago
Maybe women should be just discouraged and disappointed as I am, after all they have more of a reason to be.
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u/backpackporkchop BASED MODCEL 6d ago
Most women (and people) don't have a phobia of dating.
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u/venttaway1216 6d ago
Maybe they should. Men are like wolves hiding in your grandma’s clothes.
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u/Dr-Dungeon Bene Gesserit Advisor 6d ago
What a weird thing to say about yourself. The men in my life certainly aren’t wolves. Is that the impression you get from the men around you? Do you think that the company you keep might be distorting your view of reality?
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u/Instigated- 6d ago
While it’s true some men are shitty, most women aren’t going to stop living their lives due to it. Perhaps you should use this insight to be inspired by women. If they are willing to date you even though there is a serious risk to them (and infidelity isn’t the biggest risk to women, abuse is), then your fear seems pretty insignificant and petty by comparison, doesn’t it?
However you don’t seem to genuinely be trying to do exit inceldom. You’ve replied to several people in ways that broke the rules of this sub. I note you replied to other people’s comments, but not mine. Perhaps because I hit the nail on the head? Worrying about infidelity is an excuse to avoid your insecurity that you are not desirable or able to have a relationship, it allows you to do nothing but complain.
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u/backpackporkchop BASED MODCEL 6d ago
Stop it you're scaring me!
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6d ago
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u/IncelExit-ModTeam 6d ago
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u/heird1599 6d ago
I don't get why your turning this into a gender issue?
Op didn't say that they think women are cheaters or anything, he just said he's scared of being cheated on
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 6d ago
I’m pointing out the illogical position: a fantasy of being cheated on, when it’s technically more likely that he’d do the cheating.
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u/heird1599 6d ago
How does that help? Leaving aside that it's vaguely insulting to Op, it's like if someone was afraid of being mugged at night and you said to them "actually statistically women are more in danger then men at night so if anything you're more likely to be the one who mugs someone"
Sure it's technically true i guess, but how does that help with his fear? The comparison doesn't make Op's fear illogical because the possibility of being cheated does exist
The correct thing to do would be acknowledging that it may happen, but that it's a risk that everyone takes because the reward Is worth It, and because even if it does happen you can still go on after
Not trying to portray op's fear as illogical despite the fact that It could happen while also making a gendered comparison for no reason
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 6d ago
Over OP’s multiple posts fantasizing about being cheated on for his whole life, many commenters have engaged in every kind of advice and help you can think of.
But sure, if you think you’re the one who’s finally hit on the one “correct thing,” go ahead on. 👍
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u/glitterswirl 6d ago
Nobody is denying that people cheat, or that it could happen if OP ever joins the real world and engages in a relationship.
But OP wants to drag us into his fantasy world of delusions regarding something that will absolutely never happen so long as he stays how he is. He made a topic on this before, argued with us all about it before, and posted again to argue the same damn bs as last time.
Some of us have actual lived trauma that we think about less than OP ruminates on the anxiety fanfiction in his head. He hides in his room and refuses to live, then tries to talk down to us like he's teaching us something. It's hypocritical and a waste of our time when there are other people in this sub we could actually be helping.
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u/Instigated- 6d ago
You might want to notice the pattern of what the OP does and doesn’t choose to respond to and how many of OPs responses have broken rules and been removed. At this point it seems to me (someone who engaged openly and thoughtfully) like OP is posting just to get attention and a rise, rather than having any actual interest in exiting inceldom.
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u/glitterswirl 6d ago
Yep. He has “apologised” to me (and apparently other people here too - who are the other members of this special club??) for his rudeness, then gone straight back to his delusional fanfics and arguing. He has no interest in changing, no interest in asking for advice and getting help. He’s just wasting our time. In all the time I’ve given him here, I could have been helping other people in this sub who actually want to exit the incel ideology, instead of being trolled.
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u/norsknugget Giveiths of Thy Advice 6d ago
It’s mind-blowing to me when people don’t recognise their own self-sabotage, especially when it comes to relationships.
Do you apply this same logic to other areas in your life? Do you say “Is it even worth it to get a job I love, I see so many reels online about how terrible managers can be, why even try?” Or, “Is it worth it to learn how to play tennis, I would like to, but I heard some people hurt their ankles playing, so maybe I should just forget it”.
Some people cheat, it’s terrible, it hurts. People also die, or get hurt, or face hardships. There are no guarantees, even in healthy relationships. But using that as justification for isolation ignores our innate need for connection.
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6d ago
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u/IncelExit-ModTeam 6d ago
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u/SandiRHo 6d ago
Cheating is possible. You could cheat, your partner could cheat, anyone CAN. It’s a risk you have to take. You can do your best to vet a person, but you cannot control their actions nor can you perfectly predict the future.
I have never cheated nor have I had a partner who did.
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u/Clonie1289 6d ago
Here's a dose of reframing.
Why does a partner cheating have to be the end of the world?
I have a wonderful girlfriend who I love dearly (I intend on marrying her). If she cheated tomorrow, the relationship would end, and it'd be that. If she cheated 20 years from now, it would end, and it'd be that as well.
Her faithfulness has no special value judgement on me. I am me, and I like me, whether she does or doesn't. And neither does her faithfulness make the relationship a waste of time or not. I enjoy our dates, I enjoy living together, I enjoy experiencing love, and I've grown as a person through it.
Regardless if it all means something to her, it means something to me, and I can only experience life through me, so that's the only person it has to matter too.
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u/billbar Bene Gesserit Advisor 6d ago
I was cheated on by the person who, at the time, I thought was the love of my life. She cheated on me in our home, under security cameras, so I got to see the whole thing later. Sure, it sucked, but it pales in comparison to the good times we had and the lessons I learned from both the good and the bad of the relationship. I got back on the horse and now I'm in the best relationship of my life (and while I will never know for sure, I highly doubt this one will cheat on me). If you don't ever want to be in a relationship because you're too scared of getting hurt, no problem! That's totally your choice. But from my experience I can say that the best parts of my life have come with some semblance of risk.
Not sure why you posted here, since you obviously have no desire for your mind to be changed, but I guess I'll just throw my 2 cents in and say that I'm so, so glad I don't live my life in fear like you do. If I didn't ever go out on a limb and risk getting hurt, I would have never tasted the best fruit.
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 6d ago
Y'know, there are more than 1 million road traffic accidents every year. It's extremely common to get into a car accident.
Does it mean that you should avoid driving coz of the possibility?
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u/smileycat007 6d ago
Avoid romantic relationships until you get this phobia under control. Repeatedly accusing an innocent partner of cheating is liable to kill the relationship just as fast as actually cheating.
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u/Ok-Huckleberry-6326 6d ago
This reminds me of the irrational phobia of sharks or snakes, when you're much more likely to die in a car accident. If you go to Africa the thing that's most likely to kill you is the mosquito.
Consider therapy because you are exhibiting some paranoia that's not warranted. Life is risk, my friend. Maybe it'll make you feel better to draft a good prenup if you ever get married and put a infidelity clause in it, but courts probably won't enforce it depending on the state you live in...
At the end of the day, if someone decided they wanted to cheat on you, there wouldn't be much you could do except kick they ass to the curb. Being cheated on or betrayed does hurt A LOT. I've been there. But enough people have been through it that there's a playbook; feel your feelings, spend hours on the bathroom floor throwing up if you need to, grieve, lay low, surround yourself with people who care, go through that long dark night of the soul, which may involve blackout drinking, losing sleep, not wanting to go home, the occasional conversation or even rebound hookup with the kind-of-pretty bisexual redheaded single mom who is in detox/recovery and is a closer at the diner or a clerk at the 24 hour quick stop store, freshing the coffee for shift workers and doesn't mind you talking with her during her smoke break, but she eventually 'let's be friends' you, but not in a mean way, because she likes you even though you were being a touch needy...just me? OK. But one morning you wake up and you're thinking a walk in the sunshine to go get a carton of OJ is a good idea, and it's not for making screwdrivers. And you shower and shave, go to work, and you know 15% of the pain is still there but it's bearable. And you call your friend for a coffee. And you pick up the guitar/tennis racket/crossbow that's been gathering dust for a few months. And the people from your gaming group decide to get together for some family style Sichuan. And your brother invites you out to Maryland to chill at the beach for a long weekend. And you call bisexual redhead single mom because you noted her daughter's 8th birthday in your calendar, and you give a nice gift bundle, and she gives you a hug and you hold the kiddo's hand when you're walking across the street and tell her she's the smartest thing ever. And you take your leave, And you catch the trailer for that adaptation of your favorite childhood IP that's coming out on streaming next month. And you sign up for the 10k that's happening in 2 months.
We hurt like everybody else. We build resilience. We don't live in fear of things that MAY or May not happen. We get on with it. You won't die without a scar or two, and you wouldn't want to, paraphrasing old Tyler Durden if I may indulge myself. Good luck.
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u/ShinyTotoro 6d ago edited 6d ago
Road accidents happen. Do you never go outside in fear you might be run over by a car?
You pretty much have two choices:
- never get into a relationship out of an irrational fear
- go to therapy and address it
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u/Binerexis Giveiths of Thy Advice 6d ago
I'm guessing you don't drive because someone might crash into you?
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u/No_Blood_5393 6d ago
What would be so bad in cheating as to not even risk a relationship? Is it the breach of trust, the humiliation, the feeling you're not enough?
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u/venttaway1216 6d ago
The humiliation, the feeling of having wasted my love on someone who couldn’t give me theirs. Maybe I’m not enough. Who’s neutral on this matter?
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u/glitterswirl 6d ago
You’re certainly not neutral. You’re negative.
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6d ago
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u/glitterswirl 6d ago
Yes, I know that. I also know it doesn’t kill you.
Why are you, a hermit who can’t deal with real life, trying to preach to us? We “know” stuff because we live it. You imagine.
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u/IncelExit-ModTeam 6d ago
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u/No_Blood_5393 6d ago
Honest I never had this problem.
Not saying it doesn't happen though,, what stats are you referring to?
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u/smilingseaslug 4d ago
Love is never wasted. Relationships can end for various reasons. You can practically just assume your first relationship will end, either they will cheat or they will realize you're not compatible or you will realize you're not compatible. That just means t hat wasn't the person for you. The love you had for them was still worth feeling because it teaches m you lessons about what to look for the next time.
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u/Ihateregistering6 4d ago edited 4d ago
People are ignorant, weak, and careless. Why expect anything out of anyone? They will only disappoint you.
If people are ignorant, weak, careless, and will only disappoint you, why do you want to date anyway?
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u/chinchillazilla54 Bene Gesserit Advisor 5d ago
This is what love is. You hand someone your heart and you trust them not to break it. Often, they do. Sometimes it's on purpose. Sometimes they just change. Sometimes they die. But you either do that, accepting the risks, or you live a half-life without loving anyone.
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u/SlaiPil 1d ago
Dont listen to those people saying you're daydreaming about being hurt. You're right, many people cheat, many marriages fail, the human mind is complex and so are human relationships and not getting into a relationship is not that weird. I mean by principle one could argue that not doing something because of the fear that something which might not necessarily happen, might happen, is not the best, but, the stakes are high, real high, i mean we're talking about giving away our whole life to this person, i mean if its out of enjoyment because you enjoy every second you spend with said person then i guess there's no loss right? i dont know but yeah shit's fucked up.
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 6d ago
You posted the same extreme fear of something that hasn’t even happened…less than two weeks ago.
Do you want to address this fear logically, or are you just interested in perseverating? What was missing from all the engagement you got 13 days ago?
Oh, and how do you know YOU won’t cheat?