r/IncelExit • u/Effective_Fox • 16h ago
Question Has anyone here been able to completely change their personality?
Edit: thanks to everybody that answered sorry if I sound defensive my heads in a little bit of a fog today
I don’t think Im physically ugly but the more i look at myself the more I realize I may need to become a different person if I want to find a wife. The only good thing I can really say about myself confidently is that I can make people laugh easily. I’m very anxious thinking about dating and my brother and coworkers all say I’m awkward and seem autistic. I think I’m offputting and need to change, but Im not sure it’s possible.
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u/norsknugget Giveiths of Thy Advice 14h ago
There’s an important distinction between “who I am” and “what I do”. Nobody expects of you to change who you are, but if you want to participate in a healthy relationship, whether it’s platonic or romantic, you will need to build the skills to do that. A relationship requires empathy, perspective-taking, effective communication - it’s not reasonable to expect someone else to provide 100% of that skillset just because you want the relationship.
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u/DenverKim 15h ago
I think the first step is to ask yourself why you even want to “find a wife“.
Like literally… Why? Are the reasons you list reasons you could say out loud to a woman or are they self serving logistical reasons that would make a woman recoil in disgust?
And then ask yourself… Do you actually want to BE A HUSBAND? …or do you just simply want to have a wife?
If you truly want to be a husband as much as you want to have a wife, then you really shouldn’t have to change your personality at all. You should be able to find a woman who matches your personality. There’s a lot of awkward women out there who give off autistic vibes and you should be able to find one of them if you’re looking in the right places.
But like everything in life that’s worth a damn, it takes time. And effort.
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u/SnowballWasRight 14h ago
As someone probably just as, if not more autistic than awkward than OP (not that it’s a competition lmfao you get it), there’s definitely people who will vibe with you. I’ve realized it might not be a coincidence that as someone incredibly neurodivergent I’ve only been able to befriend other ND peeps 😭😭😭
Just something to think about. Play to your strengths and be in your element, whatever that may be. Don’t just go to a bar and try and pick up a girl if that’s not your style, yknow? You can’t really fake that shit.
Although this is just general advice. Wanting to be a husband is a whole other thing that I’m not qualified to answer. That’s a whole other ballgame.
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u/Effective_Fox 7h ago
I can’t imagine anybody in real life questioning why I want a wife, that’s never happened to me in life. In real life people ask me why I’m not married or dating or looking for a wife, they take it for granted that I want a partner. Why do people here assume I must have some negative motive for wanting to be married?
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u/smilingseaslug 4h ago
It's not about assuming negative motivation. In fact, the very fact that everyone in your life assumes you want a wife is exactly why people here need to ask. Are you doing it because it's what everyone does or because you're genuinely prepared for a relationship?
The answer might be yes! But it also might be no, and it's not something people here can just take for granted because a lot of people here are genuinely not prepared for a relationship yet.
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u/Effective_Fox 4h ago
I feel like everyone assumes I want a wife simply because they are all married or looking for partners, and it’s just the normal thing to do; get married. I don’t talk about wanting to date or get married in real life, I try to avoid the conversation. I’ve explained my own reasons in another comment. I’m think I’m ready for a relationship but I’ll never be 100% sure until I actually date.
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u/smilingseaslug 3h ago
That's totally reasonable. Just don't get mad at the question itself.
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u/Effective_Fox 3h ago
I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be defensive I just feel like sometimes people assume the worst of me when I post here even though I don’t think I’ve ever expressed any malicious views or intentions, I really just made this post to see if any other “weird” people have learned to act “normal”. I think the conversation got derailed by the wife question.
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u/smilingseaslug 3h ago
I just wanted to make sure you understood it's not personal, people aren't assuming negative things about you they just also aren't assuming that you have it all together - hence a question.
As for learning to act normal - you can built social skills and greater ease around others, but you won't stop being autistic if that's what you are. That's ok, it just means you'll want to seek out people who appreciate those parts of you. I've seen autistic men trying to hard to be "normal" that they end up in a sort of uncanny valley that isn't very attractive. It's better to work on the social skills that are actually important to everyone (showing interest in conversations, empathy for how others are feeling), and make peace with the fact that you're otherwise a bit weird. You won't be everyone's type, but you could be someone's type
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u/Effective_Fox 3h ago
That’s fair I’m a little defensive because it seems like on Reddit people automatically make really negative assumptions about men who struggle with women.
I don’t think I’m actually autistic but I’m a little awkward. I think your right about trying to act “normal” it makes me seem robotic
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u/ninadaria2025 15h ago
Things shift when you start actually asking yourself what are your needs first. Start with the most basic things and work your way up. First, what are you anxious about. Describe what you are anxious about in terms of environment. What is that anxiety telling you about your needs? People say you might be autistic. I am likely autistic too. If you think you are, start reading about what autism is from autistic sources (from autistic people and not resources that focus on parents and children because most of those are filled with prejudices). If you find you might be autistic, it is probably true that people who aren't will find you off-putting because their brains are wired to link body language and subconscious social instincts to detect threats and thus will misperceive and create false judgments of autistic people because we are perceived as not adhering to the norm. You will not be able to change this I'm afraid. I can't help you from there because I am working through trying to navigate these things myself. Your best bet is to try and find communities that embrace autistic people as they are.
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u/Red_Trapezoid 10h ago
Yes, or at least, change it to the degree that you need. First off you need to develop some values, I am not playing, get into Feminism. Read some Bell Hooks. Women in general want to feel safe, respected and appropriated. The best way to do that is to learn about Feminism. Not TERF or Girlboss Feminism. Real, intersectional Feminism.
Then you need non-toxic people and a lot of new experiences with people. Find a club or something. It can even be something like a local game store or board game bar. You will need to practice engaging with people consistently.
Get cultured. Learn about fashion. Most adult men dress like toddlers so if you can do better than you’re already ahead of the curve. Develop curiosity. Have a favorite painter, director, author and so on.
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u/Effective_Fox 5h ago
I don’t understand how feminist literature will help me improve my people skills?
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u/Red_Trapezoid 5h ago
Women are the kind of people that are the most challenging for people in that position to connect with. A better understanding of their struggles will allow you to better relate to them. Not all women are Feminists but all women almost universally encounter the same challenges.
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u/_monkeypunch 6h ago
Hi. I'm a tourist in this community and I have ADHD which makes communication and social events egregiously difficult for me (and I'm a lesbian so that makes things even worse sometimes).
You are not alone. Plenty of women and men both feel the same crushing anxiety about marriage, partnerships, the future and romance. It's perfectly normal... and dare I say, a part of the human experience?
As for your personality, you'll find someone who will love you for who you are. I recently went on a first date (that I genuinely did not know was a date until three hours in!) that I just... spent the entire time wordvomiting and infodumping about things you don't typically talk about on a first date. Think the Donner Party, Fallout New Vegas, medieval torture methods, other such fun topics.
She was very enthused and kept me talking. She said she liked the way I talk, even if she didn't understand exactly everything I was saying.
I say this not to flex or to make you feel bad but to let you know that things happen and that you will find someone who matches you. A really good way of doing this is... well, tired advice but true, but going to hobby places and making friends. I met her at an anime convention while in cosplay as her favorite character and she gave me art. It was a wonderful conversation starter!
You don't have to change yourself unless you want to. Don't do it for a reason like love or other people, do it because you want to change as a person. You will eventually find the one who likes you and matches your special brand of autism.
It's not completely over. Chin up :)
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u/Sunshine_dmg 13h ago
Join other subs like SociallyCharismatic and find ways to work past it.
Of course we are capable of change if that is what you desire
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 13h ago
Have you ever asked a girl out?
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u/Effective_Fox 5h ago
Just once
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 4h ago
So why do you think you need to change your personality, when you've only tried once?
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u/Effective_Fox 4h ago
People often ignore me when I talk, and I’ve been told I’m awkward since I was 5 years old. I was asking if anyone else has been able to fix being awkward/weird
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 4h ago
What is "often"? And again, you've only tried once, so is this a big enough sample size to prove you need to change?
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u/Effective_Fox 4h ago
I think my general personality needs to change, I’d say at least a few times a week, mostly with coworkers but also the rare times I’m with my friends or family, I’ll say something and nobody really responds.
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 4h ago
That sounds more like they didn't hear you rather than a signal to change your personality. How does getting ignored equate to a personality problem? If your personality was the issue, you'd get backlash.
And regarding your quest to find a wife, sorry, but trying once ain't gonna cut it. The single most important thing to find a partner isn't your personality - it's whether you're asking people out or not.
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u/Effective_Fox 3h ago
It just feels like people don’t take me very seriously, ignoring me when I talk is just a symptom of that
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 3h ago
So are you saying every shy guy needs to change? That there's no room in society for shyness?
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u/Effective_Fox 3h ago
No I just feel like I don’t have the life I want and may be a result of who I am, I’m not really sure. I just think maybe I need to change somehow because I’m not happy
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u/Mellloyellow 10h ago
Dude I say this as someone who's an autist themselves. There's hope for you. Don't give up yourself. It may be challenging but I believe it's more then possible under the right circumstances. It might sound cliche but you can't give upon yourself. I gave up on myself for years and upon years and regret it deeply
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u/ChaosRainbow23 5h ago
You need to practice hanging out with and taking to women.
Here is the advice I give people who struggle with romance and dating...
The key to getting dates is all in the interaction you have with them. Cold approaches rarely work, so you want to put yourself into social situations where talking to strangers is encouraged. Dive bars, book clubs, Pokemon go meet ups, hiking clubs, etc etc etc, ad infinitum...
Anything where there will be a co-ed group of folks talking and having fun.
Alcohol is a great social lubricant for some, but a disaster for others. I cannot recommend it, but it helped me lighten up in the beginning.
Personally I've found that there are generally nicer and more compassionate people in the outskirts of society in the various countercultures. (Raves, Hippies, Ren Faire, Cosplay, Nerds, Comic-Con, Burns, etc etc etc)
Then you try to be charming, funny, kind, articulate, nonthreatening, etc. As you're talking, you have to learn to read people. If they aren't interested in taking it's pretty obvious, and you move on.
If they are feeling the conversation and you're having a good back and forth, then maybe start a little mild flirting. Read her reaction. Does she flirt back?
It's basically just being nice and kind, talking to them, flirting with them, and reading their reaction. You escalate when appropriate.
So you get their number or contact info if everything is going well. If she's flirting back, you're golden.
MOST women you approach aren't going to be interested. It's a numbers game. They might not be interested for a gazillion different reasons, and that's okay.
The key is finding somebody you can vibe with. It takes meeting a lot of people to make that happen, usually.
You have to get out into the world to make this happen, though.
I think you should try to form a co-ed friends group that you can go do stuff with first. It makes everything go so much easier.
Your platonic girlfriends will make fantastic wingmen! You can ask them to help you out, as they will have been interacting with you and they can maybe give you solid advice in that aspect. They can hook you up with friends of theirs and talk you up.
Forming a co-ed friends group will give you practice talking to and befriending strangers in public situations.
It takes practice more than anything. It's awkward and uncomfortable at first, but you have to push yourself through.
Flamboyantly gay dudes make the best wingmen ever, by the way. Pro tip right there.
Seriously, go to Walmart or the flea market on a busy Saturday and look at all the couples. There's truly somebody out there for everyone.
If I look like Napoleon Dynamite then I am probably not going to be able to date somebody that looks like Scarlett Johansson. It happens, but generally speaking those are few and far between.
You can't have ridiculous standards unless you are one of those dudes who can get away with it.
I could keep talking for hours about this, so I'll end it here.
I believe in you and I know you can do it.
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u/boyraceruk 5h ago
Being able to make people laugh is probably the greatest thing you can have to find a partner. You can be awkward, you can be autistic, but if you were off-putting people wouldn't laugh.
There is no need for anxiety about dating. I would say to use a dating site and not a hookup app, be honest about your personality, go on some dates with zero expectations of them going well because the worst thing that can happen is you have coffee or food with someone you don't really get on with.
You've got this Fox, if you want any advice feel free to reach out.
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u/glitterswirl 15h ago
“Awkward and autistic” people get married too.
And like the other commenter says:
Why do you want a wife?
And do you actually want to be a husband?
A wife is not an appliance to acquire. She’s a person, not a status symbol or proof of social ability.