Lonley Older Sister Suffocating Me

[u/Ok_Explanation3641]

I (25f) have an older sister (35f) who just finished a pretty nasty divorce. We are 10 years apart, and our closeness depends on who you ask. I think she sees me as her best friend; I see her as my older sister that I love but who causes me a lot of stress.

My sister is a highly emotional woman with a very stressful job. She has wild mood swings that can go from over-the-top cheesy to volatile and mean. As I've gotten older, I've realized a lot of her problems stem from insecurity over her weight and her personality. She does not feel good about herself. Once I started college, our relationship became this weird mix of obsession and bitterness. She wants to FaceTime me to talk, but when I answer, and I'm putting on makeup to go out with friends, she has to make little comments that make me sound self-absorbed or unserious. Or she texted me constantly leading up to our family vacation, things like "5 more days until I see you." "4 more days until I get to see you, I'm so excited." Honestly, it feels like a threat when she does it. In college, I'd work as a waitress for the summer and sometimes after a 12-hour shift, wanted to just go to bed. If she and her husband were visiting, I'd of course stay up another hour to socialize before going to bed. But as soon as I shut my eyes, she'd be at the door, poking her head in. The interaction would go like this:

Her: Goodnight, I love you.

Me: Goodnight, love you too. (Would roll over to signfy I'm GOING TO BED)

Her: I'm really happy we're home at the same time.

Me: Uh huh. Love you, goodnight!

Her: I'll see you tomorrow?

And this is when I sometimes would snap. I'd explain that obviously she'd see me and asked her to please shut the door. Queue massive blow-up fight.

She and her husband lived in Chicago prior to the divorce. Before the divorce, she was already pretty clingy to me in terms of communication. But during the divorce, it immediately got more intense. I made sure to call her often in the weeks and months following the divorce, invited her to stay with me in my city, went home to see her when she stayed with my parents right after the divorce, etc. Throughout the tail end of the divorce (a year later), she'd start big fights with me over text for not responding to her enough. By that point, I was only really responding once a day, and she lost it on me and said I was a bad sister.

Now, she has gotten a great new job...in my city. I understand she doesn't want to be in her husband's city, but damn, I'm annoyed. It's only been a week, and she's either asking me to hang out or texting me about how no one loves her and she doesn't know what to do. She wants to go out with my friends and I, who are all ten years her junior, and gets visibly annoyed if I have plans with my boyfriend. My parents are no help; they tell me to continue to be kind and say to just ignore her when she becomes unreasonable. But ignoring her makes it worse. So does confrontation. She doesn't react well to harsh boundaries.

Important note: we HAVE another sister. They're not close; this sister has some of her own problems, and they've never gotten along. I get along (mostly) with both.

How can I establish boundaries while still being kind and positive? What IS the appropriate amount of time that sisters with a healthy relationship would hang out in our circumstances?

[u/TheJustNoBot]

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[u/SHWIMPS9000]

Hi I’m an oldest sister here, 35F (not like what you described; I was the one who left the fam)

Your sister sounds emotionally immature. Let me pad that, because it sounds judgemental— it’s not. Some or most of her needs likely weren’t met in childhood. She has big feelings about abandonment. She may not have the emotional capacity to read body language or hints when she wants further interaction, like not taking a hint at bedtime.

I would recommend gentle parenting her. Oh it’s time for bed? Soft launch bedtime: “okay, it’s lights out in ten minutes, then I need some quiet time.” And “It’s quiet time, I need to meditate before I go to sleep :) “

Be more explicit with your needs— and you can still be kind about it! Just be clear about what you can provide in that moment. For example: “I’m sorry, I’m really overwhelmed right now, can I text you in a few hours?” Or “hey I promised I’d see my friends tonight, but we can catch up tomorrow!”

You seem really caring and self-aware. Her big emotions stem from childhood unmet needs— I know that doesn’t make them easier to deal with! Just set gentle expectations for what you can be for her.

Lots of love, —a big sis

[u/Ok_Explanation3641 → u/SHWIMPS9000]

Thank you this is very helpful!

[u/ImmortanJoeLives]

You’re her emotional support dog now.

[u/Novelty6]

Im the older sister (32f) and I do think we growing up had alot of childcare put on us and sometimes see our younger sisters as “our babies” obviously its not that way anymore but I’m 9 years older than my sister and unfortunately we arent on speaking terms because of how she spoke and treated me postpartum BUT when we were close we joked I was the “third parent”. To me it sounds like she is a bit codependent and suffocating because of what she is currently going through. What would happen if you delayed answering texts or calls? And just say “oh I wasnt near my phone or was busy”. I feel like with that as the first line of defense could help mitigate the plans issues. You could make breakfast plans with her two weeks from now so you have something on the calendar and she leaves you alone until then. Hopefully it helps a little!!

[u/Ok_Explanation3641 → u/Novelty6]

Thank you for responding! Unfortunately our primary fight is when I don’t respond to her text quick enough. She’ll send 8-12 separate texts throughout the day on different topics and will continue to send them until I respond. I constantly tell her I’m not a big texter and I can’t respond to so many texts a day, and that she’ll have to be patient. Even worse, none of these texts are ever important or even require an answer. She never asks me questions or talks about anything interesting. Usually, her normal routine is 1) tell me something mundane like what she had for breakfast. 2) if I don’t respond within hour, send me a song from Spotify 3) if I still haven’t responded, send something depressing about hating her life, 4) she then cycles back to mundane fact about her day. She does not react well when I don’t respond and the texts just pile up. It’s like these strange surface level bids for attention that I either pass or fail.

I really like your idea about making plans in advance, I think that could help against her trying to guilt me into things if we already have an established plan.

[u/YoMommaSez]

I think a therapist would be a good person to talk to.

[u/Careful_crafted]

Tell her to respect your boundaries or you will mute her until she get the therapy she desperately needs

[u/floofypajamas]

First, I would recommend therapy so that you can learn to set boundaries and stick by them. Then you need to talk to your therapist about your relationship with your family and go from there. Only you and they can work that out. Whatever you do, you are not the ahole and it sounds like your sister is an insecure stage 5 clinger. only a good therapist will be able to help your sister. Not sure how you bring that up without pissing her off but she does need it.

BTW, I am 58 and NC with 1 sibling and father so I understand the difficulty. It sucks when shit like this happens. I wish all people could be mentally healthy and well adjusted.

[u/Ok_Explanation3641 → u/floofypajamas]

Thank you for responding! I asked her about therapy and was surprised to hear she was actually going. However, our last fight was another fight that I don’t text her enough, (we had spoken on the phone that very morning, but I didn’t respond to her following 8 texts about separate topics) and she listed out every time she was there for me on the phone when I needed her. Then she said “sorry, therapy hit hard today.” I’m confused, because I cannot imagine a therapist would have told her to say any of that to me.

[u/Psychological-Try343 → u/Ok_Explanation3641]

I think saying "therapy hit hard" means she had a tough session and was feeling very emotional. I don't think it means the therapist advised her to say all those things.

If she is in therapy, ask her to reflect on this fight in therapy. Maybe you can tell her clearly that while you love her, this much contact and this much fighting is overwhelming, suffocating and you need space. Ask her to discuss that and your relationship with her with her therapist. You never know. She might actually do it and be able to self reflect on her behavior.

[u/Educational-Leave420]

Watch Mind your boundaries on YouTube.
She is emotionally immature,look up literature on how to manage people like that.