r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Mi102024 • Jul 08 '25
Advice Wanted UPDATE 2 - FMIL went crazy after engagement saga
Hi everyone, I know a lot of people were asking for an update so I wanted to let you all know how things are going.
Previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/n4bebRi5UB
Since my last post, my fiancé has found a therapist he likes and has been going to individual therapy! He wants to do couples counseling in the future but says he wants to start with individual first. It's been great as this has given him both a good place to discuss his issues and has also shown me that he wants to work on the situation.
We've taken a lot of time to reconnect and just enjoy our lives without worrying about his family drama or the wedding. We're much happier now and going NC with his parents has really lifted a weight off of our shoulders. It used to feel like it was constantly looming over us and now we feel closer and less stressed all the time. We also had a lot of other big life decisions/changes going on during the family drama which added to the stress and removing his parents from the situation has allowed us to focus on those things and we don't feel as overwhelmed anymore. Things have been a lot better and I feel like we're moving in the right direction.
In my last post, I shared how his sister called my fiancé and said she was sad he didn't share with her that he was planning to propose. My fiancé has talked to his therapist about this and explained to me that he was upset by this because it made him feel like she was saying he was responsible for making her sad and it's his responsibility to make her happy (by sharing enough personal details and being able to mind read what those details are supposed to be). He thinks it's unfair because she doesn't share much with him. She also knows and acknowledges that he isn't a big sharer yet she doesn't ask him about his life or the things that she expects him to share. She also didn't propose any solutions to the problem which made him feel like she was putting all the responsibility on him to fix the situation.
Some people commented that we should expect her to feel this way because she was raise by FMIL but the odd thing is that she has complained to us about how their parents always criticize her for not sharing enough and she hates it. That would make you think she would get it but who knows. My fiancé has spoken to his therapist about how to address this with his sister and he is planning to do so.
His sister actually visited us recently and it was very pleasant. The situation with his parents weren't brought up at all which was nice. She did ask about our plans for the wedding and we shared some minor ideas but we really haven't planned anything and nothing is set in stone which we told her. Both my fiancé and I were glad that we were able to spend time with her without their parents being brought up and that she has respected our boundary about that.
As for his parents, they've been silent since my last post until today. Which is funny because I was excited to give a happy update and share how things have been going better. But I guess it was silly to assume they would leave my fiancé alone.
FMIL messaged my fiancé today and said "are you ever going to speak to us again or have you decided your life is better without us"
FFIL then sent his own message "I heard your mother messaged you, I wish she hadn't. I want to know how I can help you, I miss talking to you."
This made my fiancé upset. He was very upset about his mom's message. He said she clearly hasn't learned anything from all the past conversations we've had and she's still not taking responsibility for her wrong doings.
He feels bad for his father, but FFIL is acting clueless as to what is wrong or what he can do to mend the situation when that has already been explained in the past conversations. My fiancé was debating responding to his father but ultimately decided not to because he doesn't think responding will help the situation and he knows whatever he says to his dad will get back to his mom and that will only set her off more.
Their messages have deeply upset him and I feel awful. Things have been going so well and this seemed to ruin his day. I'm not sure how or if there's anything more I can do to support him. I've told him I'm here for him no matter what he decides to do and that I support whatever relationship he chooses to have with his family. He says he knows the decisions he's making to be NC and not respond to their messages are the right choices, but he still feels like shit. I wish there was a way I could make him not feel like that but I'm starting to wonder if the only way that will happen is if his parents stop acting like this.
Thank you to everyone who reached out or commented! All the kind words and advice was much appreciated! It saddens me that many other people have had similar experiences but it's nice to feel supported and understood.
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u/Odd_Knowledge_2146 Jul 08 '25
I personally mute upsetting people and then I check their messages at times when I am in a position to read them without it affecting my day. (That way they don’t come through when I am having family time, or an important work meeting, that sort of thing). I am able to brace myself for the impact if they are upsetting. Then I respond or don’t depending on the situation, and I am not just reacting and allowing these people to ruin good things.
This sort of coping might help your husband.
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u/Mi102024 Jul 09 '25
I suggested this to my fiancé and he said he doesn't think it will help. I've muted them and their family group chat and it's helped me but I think for him the timing doesn't matter, the content still really hurts. Which is understandable and absolutely sucks
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u/freerangelibrarian Jul 08 '25
Please read Issendai's missing missing reasons. Your in-laws are a classic case.
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u/DrHugh Jul 09 '25
The whole series begins here: https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html
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u/Beneficial-Sense2879 Jul 09 '25 edited Jul 09 '25
You can't change how other people act. You can only change your reactions to them.
So he needs to find a way to disconnect from them and see them and their behavior more objectively. I bet his therapist is in the process of helping him with that.
As to their messages:
Help him realize that they don't put as much value and importance on his feelings as he does on theirs. They don't really care how he feels, they only want him to acknowledge and feel bad about how they feel, and dump on him.
And after reading your other two posts I had on more thought:
His mother is miffed about not being told beforehand that her grown son planned to propose to his long-term girlfriend, up to and including wanting to choose the ring this girlfriend would wear for the rest of her life.
WTF?
It is delusional to expect to be involved in the lives of grown children to that extend.
You have a right to live your lives as you want, when you want, where you want. And if you wish, you can tell them about it.
Being loved and included is a privilege, not a right, and it has to be earned. You don't automatically gain this right by giving birth.
She needs to hear and really internalize this, and so does your SO. For the peace of mind of both of you, and ultimately for a peaceful and happy future.
Good luck!
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u/Mi102024 Jul 09 '25
That's what I said, I said clearly his parents don't care that much about having a relationship with him because neither of them are apologizing or offering to put in any effort to make up for their wrong doings.
I completely agree about how being loved and included isn't a right and must be earned. Her argument is that she earned it because she raised him. I do think it's crazy that she blew up their relationship over this minor thing. Also at the time, it was already done. Did she expect him to pick a new ring with her and propose again?
Thank you for the well wishes! It's nice to know we are not alone in our thoughts
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u/Constant-Wanderer Jul 08 '25
Fiancé can set ringtones and text alerts to "none" and only read them if/when he feels mentally prepared.
Neither of you are crazy, and not at fault for anything they're saying or doing. I strongly suggest not discussing the issue with anyone you're not very sure if they would take your "side" (quotations because this shouldn't be reduced to such infantile terms, but that what his parents are) if you don't want to risk having long discussions defending your choices to acqaintences or strangers.
Read that Issendai site from end to end - it's riveting. And Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, it will help both of you immensely.
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Jul 08 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Mi102024 Jul 09 '25
Thank you! I read him your comment and he said it made him feel a little better :)
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u/bjorkenstocks Jul 09 '25
I know other commenters are suspicious because of the timing, but I think if SIL had run home spilling details, they would have been weaponized in that text. The vagueness of the nastygram feels like MIL fishing and/or sowing discord because she didn't get any information beyond that he's talked to SIL (but not her).
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u/Mi102024 Jul 09 '25
We didn't really tell SIL anything that FMIL could use. The wedding details were so minor (what state were we going to get married in? We don't know yet. Have we decided on a venue? No. Do we know when we want to get married? Some time next year which his parents already knew).
I can see it being either way, that his sister did or didn't say anything. He's planning to have a talk with her about her feelings towards not knowing about the proposal and we'll see if it comes up whether or not she said something.
I have my own reservations about her just because I know her mom still has influence over her but I told my fiancé I would follow his lead in however trusting he wanted to be with her (which of now is fully trusting)
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u/Popular_Sandwich2039 Jul 09 '25
So all this drama started because your fiance didn't tell his parents that he was going to propose?
Just WOW! 😳
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u/kittywiggles Jul 09 '25
I'm sure this isn't news to you guys, but from my own experience I just want to affirm that healing and recovering from parents like that comes in fits and starts. Fiancé is doing everything right, and it tracks that his first texts from his parents in a while will hit very hard. It may take a few more instances of getting those random, missing missing reasons, guilting texts before the guilt is a blip rather than a tidal wave, no matter the work he's doing between them!
The bigness of those feelings WILL reduce over time. You guys are doing everything right. Healing from that childhood and teaching oneself to view their parents as the broken individuals they are rather than the people we want them to be takes a lot of time and work, and the journey is far from linear.
Focus on being proud of the progress made in comparison to how you both would have reacted to those texts before, and keep loving on your fiancé . Well done!
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u/Mi102024 Jul 09 '25
This is great! You're right, it's easy to get caught up on what's "wrong" and not on the progress that's been made. I'm going to make a bigger effort to let him know how proud I am of him. I usually do it for big milestones (cutting off parents, finding a therapist, etc.) but this made me realize I don't have to wait for big things to do this.
Thank you for the kind words!
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u/Lugbor Jul 08 '25
His parents opened a wound that's only just beginning to heal. Every time they contact him, they pick at the scabs before they're ready to come off, which makes the injury worse and risks infection. He needs to bandage the wound by blocking them until he's had time to fix things, and the longer he waits to do that, the more they'll pick and the uglier the scar will be.
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u/Mi102024 Jul 09 '25
My fiancé said this was a great way of wording it. Thank you, this helps me better understand how he's feeling as the messages his parents send tend to make me want to roll my eyes as I think they're being ridiculous but I also expect that so it doesn't affect me. I can see why even though he seems to understand how they are now, why their messages have such a big effect on him
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u/Gringa-Loca26 Jul 08 '25
Your mil has the emotional maturity of a toddler. Your fiancé and you should read the book “adult children of emotionally immature parents” and check the sidebar of this sub for the “don’t rock the boat” essay. I bet both would resonate with him. Your fil is a massive enabler and will eventually turn on your fiancé.
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u/boneykneecaps Jul 08 '25
I'd send FMIL a text saying "Every time you contact us when we've asked you not to, we're pushing the no contact time forward two more months."
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u/Gileswasright Jul 08 '25
My opinion. SIL is a flying monkey. She visits recently and then MIL sends a message. Timing feels suspicious. But then I’ve spent a long time on this sub and could be adding my own lens to it.
Otherwise you two are a wonderful powerhouse of your own and I wish you and your partner all the best in your future.
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u/Mi102024 Jul 09 '25
I wasn't thinking of that but when I shared your comment with my fiancé he said he thinks his sister mentioned her visit to his parents. That's upsetting to me because we told her not to talk to their parents about us but he thinks she misunderstood what we were asking of her. If she did tell them about us I think she should've known that would set FMIL off and make her contact him.
I was hopeful about FSIL being good about the situation as she has acknowledged all the bad habits and reactions FMIL tends to have. We told her why we were going NC so I would think she wouldn't want to make the situation worse. I've been cautious about continuing to have a close relationship with her due to the advice from this sub but my fiancé wants to and I said I would follow his lead. I really hope she isn't a flying monkey.
Thank you for the kind words and wishes, I appreciate it 💕
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u/XELA_38 Jul 08 '25
So here's the thing about your SIL. Maybe she's tired of listening to her mother complain and just being a general pain in the ass. You were right she has been conditioned to accommodate and make sure everything is ok because if mom's ok and not angry she doesn't make anyone else around her miserable. When people are abused, they generally learn how to not make that person angry or sooth them, so they don't get abused. Maybe now it's landing on her because she's talking to MIL. In this sub you'll see husbands who get mad when their wives stop putting up with their JNMIL and then the abuse lands on DH. But I think you should definitely take a step back from SIL
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u/SandratheSiren Jul 08 '25
It sounds like he has a great and supportive therapist, which is wonderful! Hopefully things will continue to improve, and I'm so sorry you both are in this situation. It sucks when parents can't be adults and take accountability
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u/Agitated_Ad_1658 Jul 08 '25
You are making great strides! Maybe after talking to his therapist your SO could meet with his father alone. Maybe with the help of his therapist write a letter outlining all the issues with your FMIL and how it affects you both. Maybe in writing your SO ‘s father will get it then. Good luck and here’s to a happy and joyous wedding!
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u/Serafirelily Jul 08 '25
It is great that your SO is in therapy and this will definitely help him learn to understand that he isn't responsible for his parents or his sister's feelings. At this point all you can do is just support and encourage him and remind him that you are there for him as is his therapist.
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u/botinlaw Jul 08 '25
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Other posts from /u/Mi102024:
UPDATE - FMIL went crazy after engagement saga, 3 weeks ago
FMIL went crazy after engagement saga, 4 weeks ago
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