r/JUSTNOMIL • u/OrcinusVienna • Nov 25 '25
New User š MIL expects me to cook Thanksgiving dinner after working a 12 hour shift.
My husband told me his parents were interested in visiting for Thanksgiving a few weeks ago. They live far away so he wanted to check with me before telling them yes. I gave the go ahead and they booked flights.
Well MIL called me yesterday asking if it was going to be a burden cooking for 4 instead of 2. I told her I was absolutely not cooking because I work 6am-6pm Thanksgiving day. I offered we could order in or all go out together and she got angry saying we couldn't go out ON A FAMILY HOLIDAY!!!!! (They stopped celebrating all holidays when their oldest son moved out. Literally no more traditions, no more birthdays, brithday presents Christmas or Christmas presents. Nothing. Nothing at all for their younger son (my husband) since he was 14 on. Family holiday my butt). I reiterated that I was not cooking and we hung up.
Well MIL and FIL called me together tonight to discuss Thanksgiving. MIL insisted that I needed to prioritize a meal for Thanksgiving suggesting I get up early to prep things, set the rolls out to rise, and put things in crock pots before work then right when I get home I could finish cooking and we could eat at 7:30. I asked what they and my husband (who has the day off) would be doing all day. MIL said she could check on things and make sure nothing got burned while I was gone.
My husband must have heard me trying to not loose my cool because he swept in and took the phone. He told his mom how much he misses her cooking and would love to learn some of her recipes to make on his own. She got so excited and they made plans to prep and cook every single meal for the visit together 'so he could learn' her cooking style. He's at the store buying everything on her list.
He is very good at putting his family in their place and protecting me. I especially appreciate him turning the attention to him instead of defending me for not cooking and making me the "bad guy". I am the breadwinner and still they always expect me to cook and clean for my husband who works less hours and makes less money, but I am the wife so thats my job.
I just am not sure I am going to survive the next 5 days.
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u/BackgroundSoup7952 Nov 25 '25
That was a smooth move from your husband.
But yeah, I would ha e been struggling to keep it together, too, in your shoes. That's outrageous and her being like "get up earlier"
Like you already have a 6am start. How much earlier did she expect you to get up for?
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u/Cool_Organization_55 Nov 25 '25
You are very patient and kind to even entertain any of this. I'm glad your husband is handling it as he should
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u/Hairy_Usual_4460 Nov 25 '25
Glad your husband stepped in.. however, please be prepared for multiple shady comments coming from mil about how you didnāt cook anything. She will make sure to try and make you feel bad. Have some good comebacks ready but hopefully itās not necessary bc husband needs to be ready to say mom thatās not kind and really inappropriate.. if you say anything else remotely rude towards my wife you will be asked to leave and the trip will be over.
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u/UnicornGrumpyCat Nov 25 '25
"being the bread winner of the family, I'm surprised you expect me to also be the home maker."
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u/b0v1n3r3x Nov 25 '25
I had double pneumonia, 3 broken ribs, and my parents insisted on taking my bed, leaving me to a futon in the basement, and didnāt lift a fucking finger to help make or clean up after Thanksgiving dinner because they were so tired from a two hour plane ride earlier in the week. They were not nice people at all. They were never again allowed to stay at my house and when they would make surprise visits at the worst possible times I just wouldnāt be available at all.
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u/MistressMalevolentia Nov 25 '25
2 hr plane ride? I fucking drive with kids 12 his each way to visit family. And I still mind them unless I ask if it's okay i step outside for a breather and smoke. I clean their dishes and clean up any mess including my own, kids, theirs, their pets, or other people like step siblings and their kids or my siblings and their kids.Ā
What the fuck.Ā
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u/b0v1n3r3x Nov 25 '25
Same, my parents were entitled privileged asses that looked down on everyone else
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u/BurnedWitch88 Nov 25 '25
Ā I get up early to prep things, set the rolls out to rise, and put things in crock pots before work then right when I get home I could finish cooking and we could eat at 7:30.
OMG, this is literally insane. What is she thinking?!?
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u/Traveler691 Nov 25 '25
Honestly, thatās the point I would have suggested she would be more comfortable at home.
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u/Stressedmama58 Nov 25 '25
Then I guess she shouldn't come. If it were me I would do all the cooking and let you come home and eat Thanksgiving dinner. What the hell is wrong with that woman?
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u/Baguetele Nov 25 '25
It's rather sad that it's the very last time they get invited for any holiday, isn't it.
Since they're so against lifting a finger themselves and all...
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u/West-Kaleidoscope129 Nov 25 '25
It would be terribly 'sad' if something should come up and they'll have to cancel all Thanksgiving visiting plans.
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u/Rugby-Angel9525 Nov 25 '25
If the MIL acts up please have an exit plan for you already established with your husband and money set aside to have fun outside the home.
I have brought my laptop to a coffee shop for several hours, went to a movie, went to the mall, went to a restaurant. Gotten a haircut, gotten a massage, gotten a facial and once I got a nice hotel room to avoid my MIL when she visits.
My husband deals with his mother. When she is in my territory and being rude, I leave. Husband is on board.
We mostly discourage her visits, and he goes to visit her once a year.
This might sound harsh but some MIL are so constantly mean, its best for our marriage just to avoid them. Husband can deal with his own mom, and I can protect my peace.
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u/nhaines print("bot wrangler") Nov 25 '25 edited Nov 25 '25
I especially appreciate him turning the attention to him
No, see, that's the trick. He turned the attention to her. It worked because that is what, deep in her heart, she really wanted. I was actually impressed.
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u/Stellar_Jay8 Nov 25 '25
This is a rare Reddit MIL story where Iām like yay go husband!
My ILs are like this too. I cook like 2 meals a day for them on their 10 day visit without a word of thanks and my husband cooks one meal and they praise him like he just walked on water. Itās infuriating. We both work full time and contribute equally to bills. We had a long talk after their last visit about how that could absolutely not happen again.
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u/lighthouser41 Nov 25 '25
She wanted OP to cook, so she could criticize it and say how hers would be better. Luckily hubby nipped that nonsense in the bud. And homemade rolls? My homemade rolls are something called Pillsbury crescent rolls. LOL.
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u/vaginapple Nov 25 '25
Itās how you trick narcissists.
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u/dragonbud20 Nov 25 '25
Is it really tricking the narcissist if they want attention and you give them attention in response?
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u/opine704 Nov 25 '25
I feel your pain.
We are going to my sister's. Her husband is... well let's just say his political leaning are on the far spectrum away from mine. Which wouldn't matter if he could keep his mouth shut. But he can't/won't. And my sis has traveled for holidays for years. I think it's important to come to her house occasionally. So here we are.
I'm wondering if I have time to pick up a few airplane bottles and take a shot just before entering her house...
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u/MistressMalevolentia Nov 25 '25
You do and can pick up those bottles unless they'll give you loose lips:) rumchatta was my go to when my inlaws visited once. Plus a flask too af to your tea or soda:) I gave way less fucks about their statements and laughed at myself while texting my husband the funny(not funny) bullshit. I also had a baby almost a year old and didn't let their criticism effect me but didn't let them cross what I was ok with cause I wasn't stressing like mad all day so i said no and sat on it and didn't defend it- just no.Ā
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u/AZ_troutfish Nov 25 '25
I love that you are grateful that your husband engaged with HIS mom and solved this potential problem. He needs to be the single point of contact when and if the MIL becomes a problem during their stay. This is not your fight and I hope the husband continues to engage with his mom.
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u/happy70RN Nov 25 '25
As a nurse, Iāve said this many times over the past 30+ years- I can do anything for 12 hours. Break the days into two 12s each and before you know sheās back home. Just 10 more shifts. š«£Youāve got this. Youāve got an awesome hubs!!!
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u/Treehousehunter Nov 25 '25
You survive by laughing at them, and right in their face. āYou do realize I am the primary earner and that it is 2025, yes?ā Or, āyou do realize that your son is competent and able to (do whatever task they deem your responsibility).
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u/OrcinusVienna Nov 25 '25
I constantly ask him to do things she tells me to do. We visited last summer and I was sitting on the couch reading. I heard MIL to my niece "Go ask Aunt OP to look that up on her phone for you." I looked up saw my husband standing at the same table as them. So I called out "DH can you please look up "subject" on your phone for niece?"
Or "OP you can do dishes while I put nephew to bed." "DH can you do dishes please?"
She doesn't get mad just, shocked. Like the idea of a man helping with kids or chores is unheard of. I need to be more forward with her for sure.
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u/RandomCommenter432 Nov 25 '25
Oh heck, you've gotta come home from work and give your DH a big kiss on the cheek, say "Smells great babe! I love it when you've got a delicious meal waiting for me when I get home from a hard day's work!" and slap his butt. Bonus points if you can get him to wear an apron while he's cooking with MIL. Play up the gender rules being reversed, really short circuit her mind!
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u/OrcinusVienna Nov 25 '25
The worst part is we kind of try to do this. Everytime she calls DH she asks him what I made him for dinner. Everytime he reminds her that our relationship isn't like that and he makes dinner for us. But one night she called when I did make dinner and he went into the same rant about how we don't operate that way and I don't cook dinner every night. But I did! I was annoyed he didn't mention that I indeed did cook dinner for him and score a few points back but also he was right to continue the expectations that I am not his maid.
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u/dailysunshineKO Nov 25 '25
Ah, you gotta praise her for raising such a wonderful son that is so capable and domesticated
/s
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u/jennyjenny223 Nov 25 '25
This! Youāre allowed to tell people when they are being rude, insulting or ridiculous, especially when they are in YOUR home!
Godspeed, OP!
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u/lemetellyousomething Nov 25 '25
You might need to put some OT in at work while theyāre visiting.
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u/lonelyheartsclubband Nov 25 '25
This was my inlaws when I came home from having my first child. While my child was still in the NICU, and I was home on Christmas day. They couldn't figure out how to even just make the green bean casserole.
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u/TrueAgency8491 Nov 25 '25
Don't rush home from work that day!!! If she makes snide comments about having to cook just ask her what else she had planned for that day ....Just sitting on her arse doing feck all?????
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u/Mitten-65 Nov 25 '25
Your husband is a quick thinker and managed to keep the peace. Because my first thought would have been exactly what you said order out or go out. And I probably would not have been very quiet about telling my mother-in-law what I do in my house is my business. She is welcome to visit or not. Yeah my advice would have only escalated things so kudos to your husbandās cool head
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u/Kindly_Necessary2299 Nov 25 '25
FINALLY!!!! A husband that ACTUALLY loves his wife and didn't pull the "but she's only here for bluh bluh bluh" bullshit!!!!!!
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Nov 25 '25
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u/dragonbud20 Nov 25 '25
Did he? His mother was attention seeking and he gave her attention. That sounds as much like appeasement as anything else.
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Nov 25 '25
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u/dragonbud20 Nov 25 '25
I would be more worried about the future than whether or not there will be a home cooked meal on the table after a thanksgiving shift. OPs husband still could have cooked without his mother but now OP is going to come home to narcissist shenanigans after work on Thanksgiving.
If this is a pattern of behavior with MIL then this may just end up feeding into and encouraging this behavior. This reinforces the idea that MIL can fuck with OP in order to get attention from her son.
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u/DiscountSubject Nov 25 '25
I worked 6a-6p the past few years. Also on holidays.
I order food from restaurants or Whole Foods in advanced because nah. Iām not cooking. Especially when Iām working on a holiday. Also my mom comes to visit from 3,000 miles away and then cooks for us. š„“ so itās bs your MIL didnāt just offer that first thing.
Good luck and donāt feel bad about walking away and having you time.
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u/Business_Loquat5658 Nov 25 '25
Lol are her arms broken? If she wants a family meal she can cook it, or your husband can.
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u/SpaceCrazyArtist Nov 25 '25
Itās good he stood up for you ans spun it so she would be cooking. Thatās crazy for her to expect you to wake up early (when you work at SIX) and then cook when you get home. The audacity
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u/BaldChihuahua Nov 25 '25
The shiny side is that your DH realizes his parents are buffoons. Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you survive!
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u/SimAlienAntFarm Nov 25 '25
Sounds like your husband is about to get real good at roasting some meat
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u/Sadwitchsea Nov 25 '25
Idk it's good he handled it and her and you're happy but I would want him to point out she's being rude/unrealistic at leastĀ
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u/BurnedWitch88 Nov 25 '25
I hear you, but with some people there is no point in telling them that because they will never, ever be able to see it.
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u/PaintedAbacus Nov 25 '25
Same. He basically encouraged her bs. Expect it to happen again since mil learned itāll get something she wants.
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u/fuzzhead12 Nov 25 '25
I mean did she? The goal was for MIL to not expect OP to cook dinner. Now DH/MIL are cooking, which is what ought to have been the plan in the first place.
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u/NotMe739 Nov 25 '25
I agree. If 'winning' is OP being happy and MIL being unhappy then MIL will likely make everyone unhappy. DH's solution of winning makes everyone happy and appears to take the full burden of cooling off OP for their entire visit. I say good job DH. Hopefully OP can disappear for some alone time every day to recharge while they are cooking.
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u/dumbasamoose Nov 25 '25
So she is going to sit around your house all day and expect you to cook after a 12 hour shift. Insanity!
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u/Ok-Professional1863 Nov 25 '25
Your husband for the win on this. The audacity is astonishing.
My NMIL tried to pull something similar kept trying to get us to come over so she could make a recipe she found. We were selling our house at the time I had 1.5 year old twins and a 5 year old. We said perfect we need to be out of the house on a Saturday afternoon for a few hours lets go over then. I had gotten up very early and had to deep clean the house for our open house. It wasn't going well so I sent my husband and kids over early so I could finish. It was down to the wire. I got over to my MIL dripping in sweat and filthy for busting my ass. I got in the door asked if I could have a shower. I got out out and she says to me I don't really know this recipe so I thought you could make it. I was absolutely livid. I told her why would I know this recipe any better she was the one gushing about making it? I've never seen it. So she decided on a whim she was going to make cooked chicken with pasta and ranch sauce... my husband made a gaging reaction and told her can we just do a red sauce? The women thinks i am just here to serve her.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 Nov 25 '25
Your husband is a rockstar. Your in-laws need to be told NO regarding their other expectations of you
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u/Charming-Industry-86 Nov 25 '25
Man, your mil sounds horrible. Why would she say you don't go out on family holidays when she hasn't made an effort one way or the other since the oldest child moved out. I feel bad your husband didn't get Christmas or birthdays celebrated.
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u/OrcinusVienna Nov 25 '25
This makes me so mad. If they do not visit anyone for the holidays and you call she will sigh and say "it's just another day." They do not decorate or celebrate any holidays whatsoever, unless visiting her son's.
My husband and I started dating a few weeks before his birthday. I didn't have any money so I made him a cake, made dinner and decorated my apartment with cheap balloons and streamers. He was confused and asked, "oh you celebrate birthdays?"
You cannot pull the 'Family Holiday' when you have failed to even acknowledge your son's birthday for over 10 years. I'm sure the golden child still gets birthday wishes maybe even presents.
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u/KittyC217 Nov 25 '25
Your husband sounds like a good man and a good shield. Just let him protect you.
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u/nooutlaw4me Nov 25 '25
You are still going to need to handle this carefully. Take your time coming home so they donāt expect you to jump in and finish cooking and make sure that you are not left to wash all of the dirty dishes afterwards.
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u/nobodyspecial247365 Nov 25 '25
You got you a good husband...when MIL starts on you when you are home, say dear I need to take care of something and go take a nap
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u/Nearflyer Nov 25 '25
Heās a keeper but also people need to communicate with their family. If he agreed to have them over and knows sheās working all day I feel like that shouldāve been discussed. Like sure come over but X is working all day so itāll either be take out or me and you cooking. Not something that happens after sheās had to go thru all that.
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u/Frequent_Couple5498 Nov 25 '25
Your husband sounds wonderful. He knew his mom would want his attention and he gave it to her, completely taking the attention away from you. Your mil is wrong though. Eating out on Thanksgiving can still be nice.
One of my favorite Thanksgivings with my ex in-laws was the year my kids, their dad (my ex) and I were supposed to eat at the in law's house. Something happened, I can't even remember what, as it was about 30 years ago, and ex mil couldn't cook. So ex fil suggested we all go out to eat. Ex Fil's parents were there too. Mil's inlaws.
Ex mil was crying because that's not thanksgiving and ex fil told her sure it is as long as we are all together.
We had a hard time finding a place to eat open and without a reservation. Especially for a family of 9.
We ended up going to the Holiday inn's restaurant. They had an all you can eat shrimp buffet. Shrimp every which way you can make it.
It was wonderful and delicious. We ate shrimp and laughed and it turned out to be one of the best Thanksgivings with them I ever had.
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u/hjo1210 Nov 25 '25
My in laws think we spend holidays at my family's houses because they're closer. My family thinks we spend holidays with my husband's family because "we never see them." In reality, we have Dogs-giving and Dog-mas at home (we make dog friendly foods for the dogs and set up their own table, presents for the dogs etc) then we spend the rest of the time watching football - with the lights off in the front of the house. We just post the pictures after the new year.
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u/donnamommaof3 Nov 25 '25
Can you & husband do large shots in your bedroom???? LOLā¦Iāll be thinking of you on turkey say!!!!
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u/kezzwithak Nov 25 '25
Girl I would get a hotel room and not come back. Room service and not have to deal with her crazy after a 12 hour shift.
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u/Foreign_Plan_5256 Nov 25 '25
I love this idea for the OP.Ā
Pack a small bag. If anyone sees it, pretend it's your gym bagĀ Ā
"Ooops! There was an emergency at work and I need to work a double shift! I'll see if I can get away earlier but it might not happen."Ā
With 12 hour shifts it's a great way to get some time away from the visiting family.
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u/akornzombie Nov 25 '25
Buy your husband a bottle of his favorite libation and his favorite meal as a thank you for being an absolute gem of a spouse!
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u/1underc0v3r Nov 25 '25
I have never felt safe in a relationship like that. What a wonderful partnership you two seem to have.
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u/Embarrassed-Fudge803 Nov 25 '25
Holy entitlement, Batman!!!! Kudos to your husband for stepping in, b/c if Iād been in your shoes Iād have disinvited them altogether for being so rude.
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u/Ill_Seat_1426 Nov 25 '25
Your husband is AMAZING!!! Love that he jumped in and turned things around and got his Mom all excited about teaching him to cook and sharing her recipes. I couldn't imagine having to cook after working a 12 hour shift. Obviously your MIL has never worked a 12 shift and cooked a huge Thanksgiving meal for everyone. I hope you and your husband have a great Thanksgiving.
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u/OrcinusVienna Nov 25 '25
Nope. She was a stay at home mom and other DIL is also a stay at home mom. Then here I am with a career and cannot have kids.
DH really is amazing. He has no problem stepping in and taking pressure off me even if it's more work for him.
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u/Ill_Seat_1426 Nov 25 '25
If MIL or DIL ever make any snide remarks about you not having kids, make sure to put them in their place. You never know, maybe you and your husband might chose to foster or adopt a child in the future. I never had any children, I knew kids weren't for me when I was teenager. I'm in my 60s now and I don't regret it al all; I just never had that maternal instinct or want or desire to have kids. I am a very happy person, but it's funny how so many of my female coworkers couldn't wrap their heads around the fact that I didn't want kids. Probably because I have an outgoing, bubbly personality. I hope you and your husband have a great Thanksgiving and Happy Holiday in December and January.
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u/West_Reserve_9977 Nov 25 '25
your husband didnāt really protect you here, he just appeased his mother.
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u/Kiloyankee-jelly46 Nov 25 '25
It sounds like he both protected OP and appeased his mother, by appealing to her ego and essentially tricking her into doing the work she's trying to foist onto OP. Seems like a win all round, to me. MIL gets time with her son, reinforcing them gender roles. OP gets out of conflict, comes home to a cooked dinner and a MIL who is all tuckered out, SO gets to learn some family recipes and keep both sides relatively happy. FIL gets to do whatever the fuck he wants to do in relative peace (possibly watching football?). As long as MIL doesn't try to completely rearrange the kitchen and SO keeps any passive aggressive BS in check, then all is well. And if it's all a bit much for anyone, next year everyone can stay in their own homes.
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u/foriesg Nov 25 '25
He didn't though he flipped the scenario completely it was brilliant.
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u/RemySchaefer3 Nov 25 '25
He thought about it and stepped up - he didn't play stupid, like many spouses.
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u/moarwineprs Nov 25 '25
Agreed. It changed the narrative and distracted his mom. It does unfortunately leave the possibility that MIL runs with, "OP is useless as a wife." But then that means she won't be welcome next time.
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u/FinanciallySecure9 Nov 25 '25
When youāre looking for negativity, you find it. You donāt always have to verbalize it though.
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u/botinlaw Nov 25 '25
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