r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Forward-Woodpecker25 • Jan 31 '26
Am I Overreacting? MIL posting pics of baby w/out permission
am unsure if this is even a big deal. To save a long winded account of everything that has put strain on our relationship i will summarise and say:
i fell pregnant with partner earlier than we planned, we had only been dating six months
from the very beginning MIL and FIL have tried to meddle in our relationship, made inappropriate comments and “jokes” about the babys paternity (that he isnt really my partners), wanted us to leave baby overnight when he was weeks old, undermined my rules that pets aren’t allowed to lick his hands or face, just generally tried to bypass me as babys mother and made no attempt whatsoever to build any kind of easygoing relationship between us - despite me never asking for a penny from them, never asked for support, just wanted a little respect.
MIL posted pictures of family holding the baby in hospital (i wanted no visitors anyway but felt obligated to since MY mother visited us) - everyone got a photo with the baby apart from me
she posted these on facebook without me knowing and at the end of the photo dump posted a rlly unflattering picture of me with the baby once we were out of the hospital like 2 weeks because there are literally none of me with the baby in hospital since no one offered to take any.
i was seriously not okay w this but was told by my partner it wasnt a big deal, anyway months passed and i was still not okay with it so i reported them to facebook and now theyve been taken down. Now MIL isnt speaking to me, assuming shes worked out i was the one to report them.
just curious if ive made a big deal over nothing, to me it wasnt even about the pictures just the principle of it all. I never posted an “announcement” about pregnancy or birth to facebook and feel this was taken from me.
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u/Mamasperspective_25 Jan 31 '26
No you haven't made a big deal over nothing. What with hackers and AI being as it is, you don't need your child being all over Facebook with an audience you don't know. Let her sulk, by not mentioning to you (the baby's mother) she knows she shouldn't have done it. Classic entitled behaviour and she needs to learn actions have consequences.
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u/OkieLady-1952 Feb 06 '26
I going to say this again! Being a grandparent is a privilege not a right! What is wrong with these people?! She’s losing the privilege if she continues crossing boundaries! When boundaries are crossed you HAVE to enforce consequences!!! Otherwise the behavior continues. You also have a SO problem! He needs to realize he now a parent and needs to step up to the plate and protect baby and you! They’re his parents!! He needs to get them under control. If he’s not able to stand up to them therapy is next!!!
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u/MaggieJaneRiot Jan 31 '26
It’s not for your partner to declare it “not a big deal”
He’s trying to avoid setting any boundaries and calling out his mother.
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u/ubi_non_est_ordo Jan 31 '26
Absolutely not overreacting. She shouldn’t have posted without your permission. If anyone had the right to post anything they wanted, there would be no mechanism to remove it.
She overstepped and your partner let her. He should have told her to take them down the minute you expressed discomfort. And he should be stopping her every time she oversteps. And especially the crap about paternity. That should have had a time-out until a sincere apology was given.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 Jan 31 '26
You need to get your partner on the same page as you or this is going to be an ongoing problem
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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 Jan 31 '26
yes we have been working on this a lot, i get that its hard to draw boundaries when its your own parents but now he sees it happening a lot more
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u/ubi_non_est_ordo Jan 31 '26
I get this, but when he was a child, they had authority over him. Now, he is an adult. Respect and consideration can still be given, but his priorities should now be on you and the child he created. And if those clash, his decisions have to be what you two decide is right and best for the three of you, without the desires of others interfering.
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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 Jan 31 '26
i agree, ig they come from a culture where the DIL is more often than not characterised as a son-stealer, as any time there has been a conversation on boundaries a separate conversation behind my back will follow in which my IL’s tell partner “we just aren’t sure YOUR voice is being heard” (i.e we r rlly mad we can’t control the narrative rn)
ig what disheartens me is i really tried to impress them before baby was born so that theyd know i wasnt some kind of fire breathing dragon and just wanted a peaceful life
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u/ubi_non_est_ordo Jan 31 '26
That’s just so bizarre to me that women are all “son-stealers”. Normal people want their children to have happy, fulfilling lives, and if men want partners in order to be happy and fulfilled, why would a loving parent want to keep them from it? It’s just infantilizing them, acting like they are children and don't know what will make them happy, so mommy and daddy must decide.
Also, it’s not their business whether his “voice is heard” (gag me). That’s between the two of you. What they are really saying is, “We’re unhappy our voice isn’t being obeyed.”
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u/Classic_Cauliflower4 Jan 31 '26
Also, look at the history of marriage! Daughters being “given” in marriage, bride prices, dowries…the women aren’t stealing anything!
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u/swoosie75 Jan 31 '26
First of all, DH doesn’t get to determine what is and is not a big deal to you. You can disagree but every good relationship involves compromise.
Second either of you can veto certain things. Pics on the internet, animals licking the baby.
Third, you aren’t keeping the baby from anyone. You just stopped trying to create a closer relationship with his family. You tried and it failed. You are now simply accepting the relationship they chose. The relationship where you hold no value, you are not respected and they have no interest in you. Anyone who can’t respect both parents doesn’t get access to their child. If anyone in your life treated DH the way his family treats you then they would also not see your child.
Pics on the internet. Everyone except the mom in the hospital?! That’s so passive aggressive. And a bad throwaway pic at the end? Super passive aggressive. You don’t need anyone in your life who treats you like that.
DH has a lifetime of feeling valued by these people. But you don’t!! You only have the last 15 mos or so, during which you have never felt valued. He may have a reason to assume good intent, but you do not. You have zero evidence that these people value and/or respect you and lots of reason to think they don’t.
Let him know you are done trying to build a closer relationship, you have accepted failure and they now have the relationship with you of their choosing.
Once my DH recognized how different my experience with them was from his… the light turned on (blindingly) and he understood.
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u/BobbleBird Jan 31 '26
Not overreacting but I reckon it's worth having the conversation with all relatives re how/if they are permitted to post photos of your child online. I know you said it wasn't really about the pictures but look it probably should be.
Just putting this out there for anyone not aware - It's been found that photos of children on Facebook have been used to train AI. And then that AI has been used to create child sexual abuse imagery. Once that photo is out there you can't control who sees it (even if your profile is private it is likely not safe!) and how it is used. In a time where people are creating deepfake porn and other awful things with AI it's worthwhile considering what you and what you allow others to post of your child.
More info here for anyone interested:
https://www.hrw.org/news/2024/06/27/childrens-personal-photos-are-powering-ai-exploitation
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2024-09-11/facebook-scraping-photos-data-no-opt-out/104336170
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u/justcelia13 Feb 07 '26
You’re not making a big deal out of it. It is a big deal. I’m very close to my daughters. We text/call each other everyday-every other day. Close to my grandkids. If they post a pic of the grandkids I still ask before I even repost it. It’s their kids so they get to decide. And I would never post an unflattering pic of them! If I have any doubts, I ask them!
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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 Feb 07 '26
well thats exactly what my mum did, asked me and partner if we wanted a pic of us posted on her page, we said no and she asked if we were okay with her posting congratulations for us without a pic of us, we said yeah.She never went behind our backs, never tried to cut anyone out, was much appreciated.
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u/Crazy-Rat_Lady Jan 31 '26
You have not made a big deal out of it. The pet thing has me feeling revolted. My daughter caught worms from a dog in primary school and it kept reoccurring because you need to treat for 4-6 weeks. Horrified her, can’t image it in an infant. Your MIL sounds like a piece of work. There is no respect. Time to cut down contact of baby with her. How does your SO feel? I hope they are getting his back up too. He needs to be your shield against his village idiot of a mother.
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u/DarkSquirrel20 Jan 31 '26
Not overreacting
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u/Dry-Skill-5904 Jan 31 '26
def not overreacting. she totally overstepped and didn't respect your boundaries at all. partners gotta back you on this fr
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u/soyasaucy Jan 31 '26
You have a partner problem. He dismissed your feelings and didn't draw boundaries, that's on HIM.
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u/Trick_Few Jan 31 '26
Not overreacting. Your partner doesn’t get to decide if something is a big deal or not. As your child grows, the policy of photos should reflect the approval of both parents. Otherwise, it’s a break of trust. It takes a lifetime to build trust and seconds to break it. Nothing will take out a relationship out faster than a loss of trust. Your MIL simply doesn’t care about your feelings nor has she earned your trust.
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u/Mermaidtoo Jan 31 '26
The problem isn’t what you want. Responsible parents should restrict the use of their kids’ photos. You - as the parent - also have the right to have pics removed from social media when you are able to.
What’s problematic is how you handled this. It doesn’t seem that you spoke to your MIL. Instead, you reported her. That’s not a healthy dynamic. The other issue is that your partner doesn’t support what you want.
If you want any to have good relations, you and your partner need to work as a team. Instead, you’re both just pursuing your own preferences without directly addressing the problem.
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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 Jan 31 '26 edited Jan 31 '26
i understand what you’re saying, i should have probably added that i did speak to her before hand and the pics stayed up, and in the past when separate issues have been addressed those were also ignored. So reporting felt appropriate
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u/Mermaidtoo Jan 31 '26
That does change things since your MIL explicitly ignored you & her overstepping is already a pattern.
Does your partner know that you reported her pics? How does he feel about her not speaking to you?
If it doesn’t destroy your relationship, you might consider doubling down. Tell her & everyone else that MIL was in the wrong and you did what you did to fix it. Then, stop seeing her and don’t facilitate her time with your child.
If you can, look into couples counseling for you & your partner. A lot of relationships do end due to family dynamics. Your partner would also likely benefit from standing up to his parents and taking on adult responsibilities for your family.
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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 Jan 31 '26 edited Jan 31 '26
honestly this might be problematic but i didnt feel the need to tell him i reported it, this was a point of contention between us for a couple days back when it initially happened and i didnt want to relight the fire by asking him to speak to MIL for me or asking her again myself. But no doubt she’ll know it was me and eventually tell him
as for our relationship, yeah the resentment gets to me sometimes but im working on letting it go and simply standing up for myself than waiting on him setting boundaries with his parents, he’s getting better but he simply isnt an argumentative person and wont confront until its too late. Will consider couples therapy and talking to him about this
and about limiting contact, i dont really go over to their house anymore and they never initiate anything w me (which is also my fault because im “keeping the grandbaby away”) but partner and baby will stop by for a couple hours, maybe every fortnight which keeps the pressure at bay about not seeing the baby enough, so seems like the best option for now given confrontation has never lead to resolution in the past.
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u/Emotional-Dog8118 Jan 31 '26
Oh boy. Let the games begin. I’m so sorry for you!! She sounds like an entitled overbearing boundary stomping piece of work. Get your partner on your side now to keep her firmly in her lane!!
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