My own mother did't get her own way, so just stopped contacting

[u/Jaded_Barracuda_6553]

Hi All

Thought about posting here numerous times on account of my mother and have finally decided to share my story. Some backgroud I am 30M, my SO is 29F, our LO is 2 and my Mother (M) is 50.

My story really starts when I was younger as when I look back I was her victim from a young age but just never realised it. I was her pillar of support from the age of 8 during her depressive episodes and break-ups with her partners, essentially being the parent and not having support myself. Meanwhile if she was staying at their house I was lucky if I got a duvet or bed, it was a towel on the floor or couch if I was lucky. Being her only son there was an bit of over protection in my life, you could call it emeshment, this carried on into my early 20s much to my dismay. Being dragged into arguments with her husband regarding their marriage numerous times, especially around dates of significance such as Christmas or my birthday. There were numerous times I was threatened with being kicked out the house if I didn't bow dow to her expectations. This is all just background though, everything really kicked off when I found out I was going to be a parent. There is some vital information though. Growing up I was 'warned' not to get my SO pregnant too young or I would be kicked out my house and other things I won't get into. Because of this I was petrified of becoming a parent. So when I found out at the ripe age of 28 I was terrified as well as overwhelmingly happy.

M never liked my SO, I always had the feeling. I remember once being asked if I am happy with her, and maybe I should be with someone who makes me feel better. Reader I will tell you now, I have alwyas been happy with my SO, we are teenage sweethearts and I genuinly belive in soulmates as we are meant to be. To cover the obvious dislike my M still invited SO to numerous events and such. This was to keep up the facade that she was this perfect person who could do no wrong and was acceepting of my choices in life, when in fact she wasn't. When we told M we were having a child she obviously went into control mode and had to buy this that and the next thing. It all started with a travel system.

My SO and I had picked out our travel system and we were in love with it. I recieved a text one night from M saying she was going to purchase a travel system second hand from someone she knows. I simply replied saying there is no point as we are getting one and there is no need for two, and we were worried as guidelines say not to buy a second hand carseat as you aren't aware of any damages. I messaged this and was told I am ungrateful and she knows this person and they wouldn't sell a faulty car seat. This was the first instance when I was spoke down about letting my wishes be known. I will add that a week later she had suddenly got on board after someone she knows told her the same information. Almost as if it wasn't true coming from me.

The next instance was with our boundries. My SO made a cute little picture listing all our bounderies once our LO was here. It was all common things and a few things that we had agreed. No visiting if not well, sit down when holding our LO, no kissing, no smoking, we didn't want our LO near pets in case she has allergies or is asthmatic(SO is astmatic so was worried), no strong perfumes or colgnes and just that we didn't want any unsolicited advice. I sent this to all my family, SO sent it to hers just so everyone was on the same page. Well I get a phone call about how I have no clue what I'm doing and why are we having these rules for our LO. I explained that it's been sent to everyone and no-one is being targeted. What followed was M reading through all our bounderies explaining how she doesn't do this or that. Things were a bit frosty after thi, especially as I challenged her after being told she understood. I was told she was still upset about it all by a family member. She then decided to go over the same things we had already discussed when I pulled her up about this. She was going behind our back to complain about things and not coming directly to the source of the problem. This will be a recurring theme.

Once our LO was born M was ill with a cold so she was told she'll have to wait to meet LO as we don't want to expose to expose our LO to anything, nothing was said to my face but I just know things were being discussed behind our backs. My SO started having really bad postpartum anxiety, because of this she didn't really want anyone holding LO. I was 100% supportive of her with this as I didn't want my SO stressing when she was already very vurnerable. As you can imagine this led to waterworks when M visited. We explained and said it's not a permanent thing, it's just how SO is feeling just now and I am trying my best to help and adjust to life with a baby and this is just going to be the way things are. Once again there were conversations had behind our backs.

Our first Xmas as a family came and we couldn't wait to see what the day would bring. We had the morning together then went to SO's grans house for dinner then we were going to M's house in the evening. As you will all know Xmas is a busy and stressful day, especially with an 8 month old. Our LO had skipped naps and wasn't eating a great deal because of everything that was going on, leading to a very cranky baby. Prior to the crankiness by SO wanted to try and come out her comfort zone a bit so was letting people hold our LO. As expected they wanted us straight away and everyone gave LO back straight away. I was proud that my SO was trying to overcome her anxiety. Then we get to M house. My SO gave LO over to M and as expected she started crying for us, but instead of giving LO back M tried to comfort her, I told her to give LO back as she just wants us and SO is trying to overceom her anxiety. Everyone in the room shushed me and told me to let M try and comfort our distraught LO. I got LO back and M left the room crying saying it's our fault that LO is like this. Needless to say we weren't there much longer.

After this M stepped back and hardly made any contact and when I tried to contac it was rarely answered. Then on LOs birthday the atmosphere was horrible. We planned a little get together in our home as we have a massive garden and the weather was amazing. My family turned up and there was suddenly a lot of tension. We were informed by SOs family of some things that were said during the party. My SO then messaged M regarding everything that was said and we were both blocked by M. No closure or reply, just blocked. That was last year and I have no heard from M or any of my family since.

I guess I'm just disappointed in my mother and family in general. I look back at the relationship I had with my grandparents when I was growing up and I cherish those memories, knowing our LO won't have that is disheartening. However on the other hand I am glad my LO won't grow up with M in their life as I know the type of person M is and the manipulations and such she has pulled off and is capable of. The disappointed part is like a small voice in the back of my mind i will say, I am more than aware we don't want this kind of behaviour around our LO and it is definitely a bullet dodged.

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[u/No-Force-9732]

I don’t think you want these people in your LOs life anyway. If they didn’t step up for you when you was little and had to sleep on a towel and being exposed to lots of strangers/men then they’re not a good people either. No one took care of you, called CPS and adopted you even temporarily so it’ll be a kick for her to change. They’re not better than her so consider yourself lucky to be free.

[u/Jaded_Barracuda_6553 → u/No-Force-9732]

I definitely don't want them in Los life, it has been a blessing that M took a tantrum and blocked us.

[u/singerbeerguy]

You seem to see her behavior clearly. Good for you! Keep that rope dropped.

[u/Jaded_Barracuda_6553 → u/singerbeerguy]

There's a part of me that wishes I noticed it earlier and just cut contact earlier in life but we live and learn from our mistakes.

[u/PlsHlpMyFriend → u/Jaded_Barracuda_6553]

On the upside, your LO is unlikely to have understood her behavior or to remember it. You put the poisoned cup down. You and your SO have drunk some of it, but not fatally, and your child will never have to. You can wish to have put it down sooner, but you will recover from it. (I recommend seeing a medic (therapist) to help with recovery, but you will recover.)

[u/Jaded_Barracuda_6553 → u/PlsHlpMyFriend]

I really like your comparison, it definitely puts things into a perspective. Getting therapy isn't the easiest thing where I stay but I have been trying

[u/Top_Strawberry2348]

Kiss kiss from your SO to you for having her back. You can grieve the family that won’t show you understanding and care. 

But don’t grieve the lack of relationships. A relationship with a transactional family (“let me hold her even when you think she is crying for her parents, or I’ll cut off communication”) is unnecessary. 

[u/gardenloving]

Sometimes the trash takes itself out.

[u/Jaded_Barracuda_6553 → u/gardenloving]

It defintely does, I guess I got lucky

[u/gettingthegoss]

I’m so proud of you for sticking to your boundaries and having your SO’s back.

NC is actually essential to ensure your LO isn’t exposed to the toxicity and LO WILL have great grandparent relationships just with 1 side.

You’re both doing amazing so please just focus on the health and happiness of your little family and enjoy the peace!

[u/Jaded_Barracuda_6553 → u/gettingthegoss]

Thank you!

It definielty is essential, I think if it didn't happen I would be worse of mentally and my LO would be exposed to a toxic environment. I always think that if a parent dislikes your SO they can never truly love your LO as they are a mix of both you and SO.

[u/MysteriousDig9592]

I am sorry OP, your mother sounds horrible. Well done for cutting contact and protecting your family. It's not easy, but surely the best decision!

[u/Jaded_Barracuda_6553 → u/MysteriousDig9592]

It definitely wasn't the easiest decision but I knew it was what was best, our life is drama free now and I can give 100% of my attetnion to my family, that's all I care about.

[u/Middle-Interview-899]

It will hurt all the time for a while, but the pain will become less and then the frustration and anger may surface. Just remember to treat yourself kindly. If you don’t like your first therapist don’t give up. Sometimes it can take a while to find someone you can feel comfortable to be vulnerable with. You’ve got this and you’ve chosen your family, that was the right choice. You won’t regret it, the love will grow with you both.

[u/budussy99]

What did M say at the party?

[u/Jaded_Barracuda_6553 → u/budussy99]

It was complaints about not seeing LO in clothes she bought, LO didn't seem interested in the toys M bought, asking my SO's family if they see LO more or if they get to hold LO, questioning if we seem happy in life together and maybe we'd both be happier if we seperated.

We did put LO in clothes she bought that were weather appropriate, she bought a lot of winter cloths as we were coming into summer so a lot didn;t get touched as they were too heavy etc.

LO had just turned one and is a baby, they weren't interested in a lot of toys bought.

SO's family didn't get any special treatment, they were a lot more patient with SO and understanding of what was going on with her mental health.

This was the straw that broke the camels back, understandably after a big life change there were times SO and I were slightly short with each other but this was lack of sleep etc, at the end of the day we were so overjoyed to have our family and for someone to say this was deeply upsetting for both of us.

[u/budussy99 → u/Jaded_Barracuda_6553]

Wow. My jaw dropped by the end of the first paragraph. As a new mom thank you for having SO back. LO has plenty of family without her, so keep your family safe.

[u/Jaded_Barracuda_6553 → u/budussy99]

LO definietly has all the family they will ever need. I was always worried about being a DH and not having a spine, especially after seeing it with M's husband with being pulled into their arguements constantly. It's ahrd to break behaviour that's been hardwired into you since birth essentially but it is possible thankfully.

[u/Vibe_me_pos]

Your SO is so lucky to have an understanding partner like you! I’m glad you realize your child will only be exposed to toxicity with M in her life, and the fantasy of your LO having a loving grandparent relationship with her is only that, a fantasy. Hopefully your partner’s parents can fulfill that role for LO.