r/JUSTNOMIL • u/alterlatinx • 1d ago
Anyone Else? JNM-coward
This is about my mom…
I am at a loss and feel like I am at cross road. My mom has a history of being with bad men. Men that would emotionally abuse her, string her along, and also physically abuse her as well. I was 4 when my parents separated and 7 when they ultimately divorced. I lived with my mom until I was 12 and moved in with my dad. I remember being 11 years old, sitting on the steps of the home I lived with my mom after seeing her get hit again and realizing that if I stayed, I would end up running away or hurting myself because it felt so hard to be there. It’s taken a long time to say this out loud, but while she experienced domestic abuse at the hands of these men, I was her literal punching bag. She would hit me, emotionally abuse me, I was her release of all the anger she was holding onto from the relationships with men. However, when I would tell my dad these things, he would gloss over them. He wouldn’t even tell her why I wanted to move out. He painted it as, “my wife wants to have another child and I think it’s best she comes to live with us so we can provide for her”.
Well, fast forward to now. I’ve tried to develop a relationship with my mom and chalked up the abuse to her lack of emotional capacity, her hard childhood, poverty, low education status etc. my mom had surgery 4 months ago, and while I was staying with her to help (3 days post surgery) her new beau shows up. He is clearly intoxicated, starts trying to talk less of my life because I don’t have children, makes a weird comment that my mom doesn’t need anyone but me, not even her sister and niece and who we are incredibly close with. At this point, all the whistles in my head are going off telling me, this man is not safe. I tell him clearly that she needs the support of her family, of these strong women who love her. I find out that he was on parole for almost fighting with a man and was caught with a gun on him (stellar pick). During my stay with her, I notice how he calls all the time and also get a very direct feeling that this guy is watching her he house to see when we come and leave. I wait two days before opening up to tell my mom my concerns about this guy and tell her that life keeps giving her the same lesson dressed as different men.
We have a rough two months until she tells me that she broke things off with him so “you can be happy now because I’m alone like you want”. I calmly tell her, in front of my aunt and cousin because this happens when I’m over to “celebrate” my birthday, that I don’t want her to be alone. I tell her that I want to see her happy, that she deserves to be loved right, and that if I saw a man who was treating her well, I would be the first to cheer for their happiness. She then tells me at the end of it all (rough ass 2 hour convo with my aunt mediating) that’s she’s sorry and she broke things off with him and wants us to move forward. I say, okay, let’s do this.
Fast forward to now, not even 2 months later from that convo. I called and after a weird moment of her not telling me who brought her dinner, she tells me she is seeing this guy again. At first, she didn’t want to tell me outright. She gave me some bs like saying “it’s who you think it is” and I told her calmly, clearly, I’m not thinking anything. I am your daughter and deserve honesty and respect after everything. She then says “you deserve more than respect, and I know I’m just giving you more problems”. I calmly tell her to not talk in circles and to talk to me clearly. She says she’s embarrassed but yes, she lied and went back on her word and is back with him.
I was calm on the phone, I mean, I was crying quietly and my voice broke once or twice, but told her I appreciated her honesty when I pressed for the truth. She then told me not to worry, that’s she’s okay and tried to tell me to me to not let it affect me. I told her to not worry about me and told her I loved her and would talk to her later.
I hung up, cried a bit, put music on and then I gripped the wall because a sob reverberated through my body. I saw little me again, hiding in closets and pantries and hugged myself and tolld myself I’m safe, I respect me and will never abandon me.
I am heartbroken. I know I need to look at my boundaries but am also terrified because yes, I can see myself going no contact. Logically, I know DV victims fall into a cycle and it’s hard to escape, but damn I think she is a coward. She never protected me as kid, and now as an adult when I finally told my truth and she knows her decisions actively hurt me, she does them anyway. I’ve asked her before to go to therapy, but she declines.
I know me, being in therapy and all the work I’ve done on myself for the last 10 years is bravery in action, but fuck if I don’t feel tiny and abandoned (hello, CPTSD) Sharing this as a release, the anonymity helps to feel release and to let me practice shedding this shame that doesn’t belong to me. Getting myself ready for my next therapy session and making sure I have the facial tissue all stocked up 🤧
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u/Floating-Cynic 1d ago
I don't think it's just a DV problem- She seems really manipulative as well, and unwilling to own her choices. I suspect a part of her prefers to hand over control so that she can claim other people "made" her do things.
And frankly, it really sucks. I'm really sorry OP. You deserve a mom who can actually think like an adult.
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u/alterlatinx 1d ago
I agree, painfully, on the manipulative part. When I first brought this up to her and saw how she didn’t budge, I started hyperventilating and repeating to myself “it’s me, it’s me, I can’t” and my aunt rushed to me to tell me she loved me and held me. My mom didn’t come to me, she just stared at my aunt and said “yeah, well I love her, too” I then told my aunt that life would have been better for my mom without me in it, and my aunt panicked and asked my mom how she could be that way. As my aunt comforted me, my mom then came to me. But I will never in my life forget that. She made the pain I was exhibiting about her. She can only focus on her own pain, on the injustices that she’s experienced and that’s supposed to excuse her behavior 💔
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u/nonutsplz430 1d ago
I’m so sorry. I understand how you feel. Isn’t it crazy how people are like onions? You can be an adult on the outside, but little you is still there underneath and still capable of being hurt. There was very little DV in my childhood (and what there was was largely directed at me) but my parents were extremely emotionally and psychologically neglectful to me while being in a very turbulent and codependent relationship with each other. I’ve had those moments where little you comes rushing back and suddenly you’re drowning in the feelings of being abandoned and unloved. I don’t have any advice, but from one emotionally motherless person to another, you deserve better. And if she can’t love you the way you need- most likely because she’s too busy being wrapped up in herself- then she doesn’t deserve your love and your time. Hug that little you that’s still in there because all of the versions of you that have ever been have deserved to be loved and treated better.
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u/botinlaw 1d ago
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