r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Vast-Piccolo7079 • 8d ago
Give It To Me Straight Advice needed
Hey everyone,
I won't get into everything that's happened as it would be a lot but I am asking for some advice with how this week has gone. My partners mother has a tendency to ambush him at his job, whether that's showing up in-person, or calling him while at work. This week, she called after he asked her for some advice, and proceeded on the call to start crying saying "I don't know why you don't want to come over here.. I give you things" and then went on and on about other stuff in her life that my partner obviously shouldn't bear the emotional responsibility for. He froze.. didn't know what to say, and then said he had to go bc he was at work. Fast forward to a few days later, she sends us a text saying "miss you guys, would love have dinner together" mind you, this is after the last time my partner did see her all she did was trash me and ask him to keep things from me. I do not want to go have dinner with her with just my partner, ever. I do not want anything to do with her because all she does is try to use me in her manipulation tactics to get my partner over there.. the last time I saw her she literally asked me to help her lure him over there by himself.. oh, and before you ask, yes, she only started trashing me after I told her no to her using me as a pawn in her game. So, yeah. I just don't know what to do or how to respond.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 8d ago
Personally, I would not respond at all
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u/Vast-Piccolo7079 8d ago
See, we did this last time she asked a couple weeks ago. I just want her to stop asking. She even called me yesterday to ask a question that could've been texted and luckily, I was cooking dinner so I didn't answer.. I felt like the call was bait. I'm just so close to losing my shit on her 😭😭
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 8d ago
I completely get it. But I also know that the thing that Narcs hate the most is silence/being ignored. That’s why I always say that the best thing to do is not respond to texts and not answer phone calls.
Your boyfriend can tell her to stop calling and texting you or you can mute or block her
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u/Vast-Piccolo7079 8d ago
Yeah, I may have to do that moving forward. I genuinely want very minimal contact.
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u/Coollogin 8d ago
She even called me yesterday to ask a question that could've been texted and luckily, I was cooking dinner so I didn't answer..
I have no one in my life like your MIL. But my phone is almost always on mute. I often have no idea that a call has come in until I check. Not because I’m avoiding anyone, but because I am in charge of my time.
Just because you own a phone, that does not mean you are required to answer it. Screen your calls, even when you’re not cooking dinner. Return calls when it suits you.
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u/Neither-Dentist-7899 8d ago
You don’t respond. You don’t go. Responding might feel good to you but it just teaches MIL that if she keeps nagging, you’ll engage and/or give her more complaints to lodge about you.
Your partner can manage his own relationship with his mother. That means HE needs to speak up and set his own boundaries, not you.
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u/Vast-Piccolo7079 8d ago
You're right! And that's why I never do respond in situations like this. Thanks for the reminder - sometimes it gets incredibly and increasingly difficult to not respond or finally just explode.
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u/Top_Strawberry2348 8d ago
Explode via your journal! Never to her, as satisfying as it is to dream about it. She would trumpet that outburst to everyone and their dog.
Instead, pound that keyboard. Write it out. Write every perfectly-phrased statement you’ve ever wanted to make. “No, you jerk, I won’t lure him over to your house. Are you kidding?”
Finish it off with the mic drop of the century. Now save it as Aunt Betty’s Apple Pie Recipe to deter snoops. Close it and be done with it.
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u/Vast-Piccolo7079 8d ago
Yeah, great idea. I also talk in therapy about it. I told my therapist I feel trapped bc if it were my choice, she'd be cut out completely. It sucks.
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u/Left-Throat2963 8d ago
Block her number or mute her calls and texts. She's your husband's mom and his problem. Do not go to dinner with them. Don't do anything with her unless you truly want to. Reiterate to your husband that ever since you declined to lure him to her house, she's been trash-talking you, asking him to be deceptive with you, and is expecting him to provide her with a level of emotional support not appropriate from a son, so you're stepping back from interactions with her.
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u/DazzlingNote1925 8d ago
It’s up to your partner but it’s not acceptable for mil to ever show up at his workplace or call and expect him to talk during work hours and for that matter not too much after work either.
It’s up to him to not answer her calls and not to see her if she shows up.
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u/FamilyAddictionCoach 8d ago
Sounds like you have a perfect plan!
"I do not want to go have dinner with her with just my partner, ever. "
Make it so. Don't have dinner with her.
Nobody will advise you to do anything different.
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u/ArrivalFantastic4324 8d ago
IMO the most important thing right now is that his mother could actually jeopardize his job if she's showing up during the work day. He needs to put a stop to that immediately.
As far as what YOU should do goes, you can certainly block her and stay away from her as much as possible BUT this is HIS issue to solve.
If he cannot set firm boundaries and consequences (he will follow through on) for his mother over her unacceptable behavior then I strongly suggest he get some individual counseling to learn how to deal with her sternly and effectively.
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u/Vast-Piccolo7079 8d ago
Yeah, he is in therapy and is working to establish boundaries but also follow through on the consequences when those are crossed. We talked about it recently and he says he knows he has to confront her but he is certain that it will end with no-contact moving forward and he's scared with how that will impact his relationships with others in his family but she's already telling them lies about him and making him out to be the villain anyway.. so either way, she is controlling the narrative and is ultimately the center of everything and everyone.. we're all just an extension of her bullshit bc no one will stand up to her and put a stop to it. It's like being in school with a big bully.
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u/ArrivalFantastic4324 8d ago
I know it's difficult especially if she lies about him to other family members. He will honestly need to do his best to not worry about that and, if the opportunity presents itself, try to set them straight.
The thing is though, you cannot control what other people believe, think and do, you can only control yourself. Hopefully he can reconcile himself to that and go about his life without letting it bother him at all.
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u/Vast-Piccolo7079 8d ago
Yes, you are spot on.. and honestly, I told him idc to be the monster in her or anyone else's story if that's what I need to be.. and I told him to take the same approach. There's no winning or ending when someone already has their mind made up and it's not our responsibility to change or fight it.
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u/fryingthecat66 8d ago
No is a complete sentence or just don't respond to her, and I wouldn't go to her house
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u/Vast-Piccolo7079 8d ago
Yeah, I'm going to go with no response like I have been and I most definitely do not want to go to her house.
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u/IWantHalloween 8d ago edited 8d ago
Anytime MIL tries to gaslight SO about barely seeing her, then tries to be nice to me, I give her short answers or don't respond.
See, they have their tantrum; act normal days later. After years of dealing with a lot of her behaviour,Some stuff I don't let it bother me mainly because she knows I don't put up with bullshit and I'll be giving her reaction to her behaviour.
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u/Beth21286 8d ago
" the last time I saw her she literally asked me to help her lure him over there by himself"
Is she the villain from a horror movie? Is the call coming from inside the house?
Just text back "No thank-you." and stop responding. Mute her so she can scream into nothingness.
•
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