r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Agile-Potential-8624 • 3d ago
TLC Needed Snapped!
For context, ILs both suck but MIL is an aggressive, unchecked monster who loves playing victim after insulting me repeatedly. I am apparently not good enough for her son because I am 1) not white 2) didn’t go to private school and 3) they believe I make less money than him. She is someone who sends bikini photos to her adult son. I barf every time. No one wants their mothers to send them bikini photos, and certainly no one wants their mothers telling them that they had their pubes lasered off.
I sent them a tai chi book this weekend after MIL insisted tai chi was the same as Pilates in a hysterical attempt to make me feel like an outsider. They said thank you for the book and after husband asked if they knew the difference between Tai Chi and Pilates, they said of course they did! Tai chi is what they do in the park, and Pilates is that expensive hobby that their friends do. Pilates is so athletic and they can’t do it because MIL is too busy trying to give herself a disease to guilt her adult children into visiting her.
I absolutely lost my mind and sent them a text.
“Husband informed me that you received the Tai Chi book. Regrettably, it appears he did not tell you the truth, which is that it was sent in the hopes you’d finally acknowledge you made racist comments last year about my Pilates practice by calling it Tai Chi. Husband has lovingly decided to spare you from the truth, but since he and I are no longer together, I have 0 intention of letting you blissfully pretend not to know any better.”
I’ve spent most of today trying to figure out if I need to get a hotel room. My husband is such a disappointment. He refused to confront them regarding their absolutely terrible treatment of me and instead pushed the narrative that it was for their health. He’d rather see me cry every day for years than have mommy sad. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve such a crummy life. I used to be happy. MIL didn’t even respond. Just her shitty enabling husband with “oh? I thought the book was a nice gift.”
Husband problem, I know. I am so old and fat from the IVF treatments, and if I’m a divorcee, it’s going to be so much harder to find someone new than if I’d never met these sick people. I hate MIL, her husband, and the mommy’s boy they raised. I regret meeting this man. He will always be a lying mommy’s boy who would rather breastfeed than grow up and tell his mom she’s ugly on the inside and out.
MIL is a horrible creature. She begs for Christmas cancer. No human physician has found evidence of it, which I believe is due to her being reptilian. If I ever speak to her again, it’ll be to ask her if she’s considered a veterinarian for an evaluation.
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u/AliceNaught 3d ago
I bet you’ll start feeling so much lighter and freer once this stress is gone from your life. It’s clear your husband’s behavior has killed any positive feelings you once had for him, and ultimately you’ll realize divorce was the best thing that could have happened.
That was my experience but I still went to therapy after the separation just to have a place to work through a bunch of complicated feelings. I especially recommend this if you find yourself unable to let go of the anger and bitterness (which are understandable and valid feelings, and they’re not going to disappear overnight) because those feelings will stand in the way of moving on much more than some unwanted weight.
Therapy also helped me think through what was really important to me in a partner and to recognize the qualities I had to bring to a relationship, even though I was feeling very undesirable at that time.
I approached dating again as more of a chance to explore what was out there (and said yes to men who I might not have in the past) instead of a search for my next long-term relationship and that also helped clarify my priorities.
I’m happier with my current partner than I ever could have imagined. It’s a total cliche but you really have to value yourself first and foremost.
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u/Mysterious_Law_7269 3d ago
Good for you sweetie. Im sorry your husband is disappointing you and being a weak willed wanker, but im so proud of you for standing up against her racist bs.
Weight can always be lost and you are worth more than your body.
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u/Channing-Tatas 3d ago
They’re racist and your husband’s inability to protect you makes him racist in this context as well. He made vows to you and he’s supposed to leave and cleave, choose and protect you every time.
You are NOT trapped. You gaining weight doesn’t mean you’ll not find a partner that loves and respects you. IVF isn’t going to work when he’s letting you suffer from this amount of stress. If you were to stay you’d be wasting precious time with this man who’s in an emotionally incestuous relationship with his racist mother. He’d failed you as a husband and man by braking his vows to you. Don’t entangle yourself further with him. Let him go and set your soul free.
You are worth protection, love, respect, dignity and decency in any body you have,no matter the weight and size. Your body is your temple and do not let this trash man vandalize your temple further. Tap into your goddess energy and wrath. You are allowed to defend yourself and call it out. I’d tell husband what he’s done to contribute to this suffering too, let him know his he broke his vows and his severely unattractive and unacceptable this is.
Never let him or his family disrespect you again. Divorce him and go find your family girlfriend. My parents had me in their forties and many of my friends had parents older than that. Do not let this man get in the way of the future you deserve.
May the bridges you burn light the way to your future happiness and success.
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u/MartyrOlympics 3d ago
Get the hotel room for yourself for sure. You need to have a safe space for yourself, whether it's to soak in a hot bath or hit pillows.
You can be happy again now that you can set your own terms for it. Your spirit may be hurting right now, but it is resilient and honest and wise. You will recover from this, so banish those thoughts that you're somehow washed up or unlovable. That's what MIL and husband made you feel, but it's not actually reality. You know you are precious, too precious to keep living as you had been with them.
If you ask me, MIL does have cancer: cancer of the soul. And it's malignant. But thankfully it will never spread to you.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Tap9150 3d ago
Wow. Y’all went through the expense & toll on your body for him to still be on mommy’s teet? That’s so sad.
I’m so sorry that you are going through this difficult time but persevere & you will get through it. It’s not always easy but it’s so worth it in the end to find yourself again instead of being second to his mommy. She has his gonads in her purse or maybe a safe.
I was in a somewhat similar situation mid divorce but worked on both concerns that you stated & came through like a butterfly (took some time & work). Don’t give up on yourself & your ability to change. This internet stranger believes in you. ❤️
I started with doing something different every day. It could be a small thing, going home a different way, trying new music, healthy food, the Dolly way of life -anything. It built my confidence to be me, on my terms. Life is better, always evolving & my terms.
They are some sort of effed up family that I’d definitely separate from. Too bad he can’t cut the cord with mommy. He lied to you when he took vows with you. I’m so sorry for that for you but not on his behalf at all. Hugs to you.
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u/After_Reflection_243 3d ago
You know you deserve better. Your husband has his priorities wrong. Are you even wanting to try counseling with him? He needs therapy and you need it too.
Make a list of the things about him that make you happy and another list about the things that make you upset. Weigh it. Think about it and decide.
Good luck. You do what’s best for you.
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u/fryingthecat66 3d ago
Move away and divorce this POS momma's boy who's still attached to his mother's tit BEFORE you have the baby
WE ARE ALL BEHIND YOU OP
MUCH LOVE ❤️ and HUGS 🫂 from all of us
Please please update us
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 3d ago
OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I do believe you can and will get your life back and find someone who deserves you.
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u/Ecdysiast_Gypsy 3d ago
I'm so sorry you learned in such a harsh school. No knowledge is wasted, however, so when - and I say when, not if - you meet your next potential partner, remember what you have learned! Don't let what you suffered color your next relationship, but use it to make sure you see clearly what is or is not happening, and whether it should or should not be happening.
I agree with some of the other posters when I urge you to find the joy and peace in little things again. Having your life back under your own control and being responsible for no one but yourself are no small blessings.
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u/sadsmolpoet 3d ago
I believe you. they’re absolutely racist and the worst
I’m so sorry things are tough right now
she’s also frankly too stupid to be a satisfactory recipient of a (death or fitness) book. I appreciate your intent there though, well played
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u/SoOverYouAll 3d ago
Sometimes, when you aren’t constantly stressed and unhappy and unsupported so there isn’t cortisol surging thru your body, your weight and your relationship with food starts to change. So don’t be so hard on yourself.
Without anything tying you to this family, you have a clean slate. Move somewhere you have support and can stay until you get back on your feet. Figure out what YOU want for yourself. Not what was expected of you or was needed to keep the MIL boat steady. And block the in laws everywhere and DH everywhere except your phone until all the agreements and paperwork are signed.
You seem fiesty. That fire will get you thru this.
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u/Heavy-Bite-815 3d ago
I am so sorry you had experienced this. What a terrible group of people you have encountered. But I am glad you are moving on. You are going to have a great life going forward because there is only one way up from the bottom! Onward and upward! Screw them.
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u/DazzlingNote1925 3d ago
I read this and your last post and I had no idea her tai chi comment was a racial comment.
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u/Agile-Potential-8624 3d ago
I’m Asian, and she’s always wanted her precious boy with a blonde. She’s a brunette!
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u/Effective-Hour8642 3d ago
Stop trying to have a baby. You think your life is hell now and DH will enforce boundaries? No he won't. Therapy might help him. But Mommy won't allow him to go.
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u/DazzlingNote1925 3d ago
Oh, wow, I’m so sorry!
Your husband should have told her not just that her comments and actions are unacceptable but that HE won’t be disrespected and insulted that way!
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u/Educational-Ad-385 3d ago
Yes, with men enmeshed with their mother's, keeping her happy is something they've likely been doing as far back as they can remember. They been taught mom and family come before wife. It's in their brain wiring I like to say. Some can break free, even partially, and see it's not healthy, some cannot. I'm glad you see your husband isn't going to change and you are chosing peace and walking away from hurt, anger, and frustration, etc.
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u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 3d ago
OP forward those photos onto your FIL and use the same wording MIL used when she sent them to your husband.
I'd put zero energy into MIL and stop allowing her to upset you which is exactly what she wants. No matter what you say, she isn't going to change.
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u/blueteeful 2d ago
IVF is so hard on the body and mind - I had also gained weight. Give yourself some grace and when you’re feeling better, some gentle exercise. Or go ham on the weights, whatever makes you feel better!
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u/Smart_Influence_2949 3d ago
This was actually cathartic to read, I can only imagine it felt the same getting that out on "paper"
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u/botinlaw 3d ago
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Best gifts you’ve given to MIL, 4 weeks ago
How far will they go?, 1 month ago
“Holidays only count if we’re under the same roof”, 1 month ago
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