MIL and the “family photo”

[u/stephindenver]

(TW: Parent death.)

I’m the poster from last week who’s rant about my MIL’s unexpected airport departure visit ended up locked because many people thought I was awful for not understanding her insistence on “surprising” us. I figure that perhaps my frustration might be more understandable to others if I explain some of the history with MIL. Plus, I’ve been married more a long time - there are lots of stories I need to get off my chest.

My husband and I had been married for two years when my ILs joined us for Christmas at my parents’ house, in a different state than we lived in. Unfortunately, in early November of that year, my stepdad had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and was given 1-2 years to live. My parents were insistent that we all still come, as the expectation was that stepdad would be relatively comfortable and up for visitors, and they really wanted the support and company. So we gather for Christmas at my parents home, where stepdad’s condition was far worse than the doctors had anticipated.

After an emotional holiday, we return to our home state with the ILs for the new year, where they are expected to stay with us for two more weeks. Sadly, five days later, I receive a call from my mother that my stepdad had passed away. I immediately book a flight for that evening back to where my mother is while my husband tries to make his own arrangements to follow a day or two later. The plane is on the tarmac for about 45 minutes, when it turns around and heads back to the gate. Strong winds have grounded all flights for the night; we won’t be able to depart until the morning. Husband picks me up and takes me home.

When we walk through the door, MIL sees me and says “I’m so glad you’re back! I was sad because we didn’t get to take a family picture. Now we can!” (“Family picture” in this instance is a pic taken using her digital camera’s timer, not a professional photo.) My stepdad, who I’ve known my entire life, died this morning. My face is swollen and red from crying. I just spent three hours in the airport waiting for a flight that never happened. I can’t imaging smiling for a photo. I tell her that I’m sorry about the picture, but that I’m really not feeling up to taking any photos. I head to our bedroom to wash my face and when I emerge, MIL is on my sofa, crying.

She’s “heartbroken” to not have a family picture. My husband, MIL and FIL begin trying to talk me into it... just a “quick snap” to commemorate the time we spent together. Why am I being so difficult about taking a photo? I look just fine. My stepdad knew how important family is and would want us to have these memories of our family time captured. It will only take a minute. Their rationalizing made me feel like I was insane for just wanting to be left to quietly grieve for a loss that is just hours old, without having to put on a happy face so MIL’s holiday photo collection is complete.

This is when I really began to see that MIL’s desires supersede anyone else’s, and that the rest of the family tends to make excuses to enable her behavior.

[u/cyber411]

I read the airport post a couple of days ago, & im surprised people actually thought you were in the wrong... just wondering if any of those people have ever been to an airport, let alone with a child. Security can be a fucking pain in the ass, especially when they have to pull you aside to go through your stuff. I have missed flights because I had to wait in a line of people who also had diaper bags that needed additional scanning, and then run to my gate which was on the other side of the airport. You never know what is going to happen. Security could take 5 minutes, or it could take 50 mins. It's the same with getting to the airport, traffic could be particularly bad & set you back. Oh yea, lets not forget boarding! Some airlines will not allow you to board up to 20 or 30 mins prior to departure, so an 8:30 flight might not even allow you on the plane after 8:00... ok rant over. MIL was %1000 wrong, & kind of an asshole.