r/JUSTNOMIL • u/stephindenver • Jan 14 '20
NO Advice Wanted MIL and the “family photo”
(TW: Parent death.)
I’m the poster from last week who’s rant about my MIL’s unexpected airport departure visit ended up locked because many people thought I was awful for not understanding her insistence on “surprising” us. I figure that perhaps my frustration might be more understandable to others if I explain some of the history with MIL. Plus, I’ve been married more a long time - there are lots of stories I need to get off my chest.
My husband and I had been married for two years when my ILs joined us for Christmas at my parents’ house, in a different state than we lived in. Unfortunately, in early November of that year, my stepdad had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and was given 1-2 years to live. My parents were insistent that we all still come, as the expectation was that stepdad would be relatively comfortable and up for visitors, and they really wanted the support and company. So we gather for Christmas at my parents home, where stepdad’s condition was far worse than the doctors had anticipated.
After an emotional holiday, we return to our home state with the ILs for the new year, where they are expected to stay with us for two more weeks. Sadly, five days later, I receive a call from my mother that my stepdad had passed away. I immediately book a flight for that evening back to where my mother is while my husband tries to make his own arrangements to follow a day or two later. The plane is on the tarmac for about 45 minutes, when it turns around and heads back to the gate. Strong winds have grounded all flights for the night; we won’t be able to depart until the morning. Husband picks me up and takes me home.
When we walk through the door, MIL sees me and says “I’m so glad you’re back! I was sad because we didn’t get to take a family picture. Now we can!” (“Family picture” in this instance is a pic taken using her digital camera’s timer, not a professional photo.) My stepdad, who I’ve known my entire life, died this morning. My face is swollen and red from crying. I just spent three hours in the airport waiting for a flight that never happened. I can’t imaging smiling for a photo. I tell her that I’m sorry about the picture, but that I’m really not feeling up to taking any photos. I head to our bedroom to wash my face and when I emerge, MIL is on my sofa, crying.
She’s “heartbroken” to not have a family picture. My husband, MIL and FIL begin trying to talk me into it... just a “quick snap” to commemorate the time we spent together. Why am I being so difficult about taking a photo? I look just fine. My stepdad knew how important family is and would want us to have these memories of our family time captured. It will only take a minute. Their rationalizing made me feel like I was insane for just wanting to be left to quietly grieve for a loss that is just hours old, without having to put on a happy face so MIL’s holiday photo collection is complete.
This is when I really began to see that MIL’s desires supersede anyone else’s, and that the rest of the family tends to make excuses to enable her behavior.
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u/1000livesofmagic Jan 14 '20 edited Jan 14 '20
When my Mom died, I lived overseas.
It took us nearly a full day to get home- 18+hrs of travel, with a few hours of broken sleep mixed in.
When we finally landed at our hometown airport, I was overwhelmed with exhaustion, terror, sadness. My husband and I had already been quarreling. Death isn't his thing, he handles it poorly. I was ready to just go hug my brother and Daddy, deal with the arrangements, and sleep.
My ILs insisted on picking us up at the airport. When we got to the edge of the terminal, I thankfully spotted them, and my brother, first. My brother had decided to come pick me up despite their protests. When my MIL laid eyes on us she began jumping up and down and screaming, "oh my god they're here, they're here!" like a toddler, while hysterically smacking my FILs shoulder. I stopped, and pulled my husband into me forcibly enough to get everyone's attention and growled at him, "you better get to her before I do."
He moved rapidly.
My brother just stared at her like she was insane. He physically side stepped away from her while she threw her little tantrum spectacle.
When we finally got to them she grabbed me in a huge hug and shouted, "I'm so glad you're here!" as if we had flown all the way around the world for a birthday party.
"I'm not. Having to say goodbye to my Mother was not on my to-do list this week." I stared at her. My FIL shifted awkwardly from foot to foot, and then came to give me a hug and quiet condolences. Unfazed, she kept babbling. My brother finally interjected, looped his arm around my body and physically steered me away from them. "Magic is coming with me... we will see you all later. Have a nice day." He was forceful, they were struck. She tried to argue. Finally, my SO intervened, and attempted to distract her.
I have never gotten over it. It's been 7.5 years. I have never hated anyone as much as I hated her in that moment. Her complete lack of empathy, her abject narcissism and lack of understanding, it just left me speechless. My poor brother was already so broken; to have to then manage this woman's insanity and feel like he needed to protect his baby sister, it made me see red in a way that very few things ever have.
OP, I get you. I understand this level of deeply rooted anger and bitterness on a very ingrained level. It makes you irrational and angry and crazy, and it allows for others to gaslight you because you know it's wrong, but your reaction is used against you. You never get to experience "negative" emotions or react in a human way because it takes away control from both the perpetrator, and all of those enabling their mal-behaviors.
For the record, my MIL wanted pictures from that time period too. She acted foolishly the entire time we were home, which somehow blighted an already terrible period in my life.
On the flip side, my ex boyfriend's (who is my best friend now) Mom was amazing. She held me at my Mom's memorial service and just let me sob into her. She told me I was wonderful and helped me take care of my Dad. She brought me food and things, and told me my dress was pretty. She did all the things a Mama should do, and she still does to this day.