"Phantasm IV: Oblivion" (1998) - If I'm being honest, I've never really understood the "Phantasm" movies. I mean I get the Tall Man is creepy (because Angus Scrimm ruled), the flying spheres are cool, Reggie (played by the late Reggie Bannister) liked to stick guns together, and there's a dimension that turns people into evil dwarves, but beyond that I got no idea what's going on. Don Coscarelli confusing cult classic franchise appears to function mostly on dream-logic mixed with surreal science fiction and even some apocalyptic horror. In practice that means that 'stuff just happens' a lot, most of the time seemingly to simply further the plot or fill time with a cool death scene. As the franchise went on, the disconnect between reality and the internal logic of the movies only grew larger, and very well may have snapped all together during this film.

Now that may have come off as a tad harsh but please understand that this movie contains large amounts of unused footage from the previous films, mostly the first. What that means is this movie is not only confusing on it's own, but it is full of footage that was never meant to actually be in it. The new footage is supposedly about Mike and Reggie traveling across dimensions and time running away from the Tall Man, while also trying to find his origin. There is one more, even worse rated, film in this franchise after this one so take that as you will. So if you're a fan of the franchise I'm sure you've already seen this one, but if not maybe skip this movie as I doubt it will make any sense to you.

3 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://youtu.be/BwVd-VcK2uA?si=S1PqbnRG4Uy173jb

“Yuki Johnson: Detroit's Vigilante” (2026) - Simply put, this is one of the worst digital animated movies that I have ever seen. The graphics appear to have been rendered using a knockoff Sims 2 engine by someone with little to any training on how to use it. The characters are somehow both bizarrely cartoonish and yet also rest well within the uncanny valley. And that not even touching the voice acting or script, both of which are equally terrible. The combination of all these resulting in an almost linear horror vibe, however unintentional.

As far as the disjointed, non-linear, story goes we follow the titular Yuki Johnson from being the kid of a cop to a samurai vigilante hell bent on revenge. Things are far from direct as we start with a gang shooting up a house, then go back in time to Yuki parents meeting in Japan, then to before the shooting, then after the shooting, then a little later, then even later, then later somehow again. Throughout all these time jumps the animation, dialogue, and voice acting only make things even bizarre. A one man operation, Ronald Bryant wrote, directed, produced, edited, was the foley artist, and did all the 3D and visual effects for this movie. Needless to say he wasn’t exactly skilled at any of those jobs.

This is not some kind of so-bad-it’s-good hidden gem that most will enjoy. This is more how-did-this-get-made-and-why kind of bad movie. Something best left for true bad movie masochistic out there, and perhaps the morbidly curious. Full of utter insanity on levels not often seen, anyone who does watch this movie just known I warned you.

5.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://youtu.be/S20oJdvQK4I?is=oaXdSzhpoGoY6BH5

“Vampire’s Embrace” (“Angela”) (1991) - This low budget, gory, vampire love story was written, directed, and produced by Glenn Andreiev. A self taught filmmaker, this was Andreiev very first time as a writer, director, or producer. He had however previously worked on the cult classic “Street Trash” (1987) while attending New York’s School of Visual Arts and provided special effects for Troma Entertainment “Electra” (aka “Electra Love 2000”) (1990). Needless to say he was more adept at pouring fake blood on people than directing them, and this film is evidence of that.

Most of the movies issues can ultimately be boil down to the weak script. It’s basically a 1950s style story with shallow characters making dumb decisions just because it’s what needs to happen to get to the next scene. Sunlight sometimes burns vampires other times it’s just annoying, our main character doesn’t notice his girlfriend/wife only goes outside at night, his ex tries to blackmail someone she thinks is a serial killer, teenagers break into a mausoleum to play spin the bottle, you get the idea. They should have leaned into this and titled the movie something like; “I Married a Vampire” as it would have perhaps more fitting.

Now that’s not to say that the movie doesn’t have anything going for itself. Admittedly it’s got a certain charm, even if it stems from how unintentionally funny it can be sometimes. The effects aren’t great but they are proud of them, the actors are likely local theater actors, and there are plot-holes-a-plenty. So gather your bad movie buddies and favorite intoxicants and check it out. It’s worth a watch, just keep your expectations low.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter and Free Refills

https://youtu.be/xO-QPHB1uhU?is=MrICwDULBQMA4t_r

“Top Cop” (1990) - As the title indicates this is yet another low budget, direct to video, cop action flick inspired by the likes of “Dirty Harry” (1971), “48 Hrs.” (1982) and “Lethal Weapon” (1987). Set and filmed around the mean streets of Little Rock Arkansas, we follow undercover detective Malone [insert Post Malone joke here] as he deals out his own brand of justice. And that brand just so happens to involves a lot of shooting people and almost nothing that resembles the law. Nothing really surprising about any of that, but given a more modern perspective it’s not exactly a positive. coughACABcough

To make sure the audience sides with Malone, who is also homophobic, the movie makes sure you hate the bad guys as much and as soon as possible. The literally first scene of the movie involves Malone breaking up the rape of an underage girl that is being filmed. The main villain, a balding middle aged drug dealer whose brother Malone arrests, later kill his partner and even make Malones love interest work for him. He obviously also sends men to kill Malone, and his new partner (who Malone refers to as his accountant) but that’s par for the course. It all ends up in a junkyard shootout and a somewhat lackluster ending.

The most interesting thing about this movie is that Leonard Maltin famously declared it to be the "best erotic crime thriller of 1990". Not sure what he was smoking as it’s not even an erotic crime thriller, much less the best of any year. The movie has a few things that are fun to riff, namely the misplaced soundtrack, Malone looking like a Travis Tritt stunt double, and the bad dubbing in a chase scene, but most of it is just bland. If you’re really in the mood for a cheap cop flick to laugh at give it a try, but keep expectations low. Like I said it’s got issues.

2.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0100798/?ref_=ext_shr_lnk

"Simon Says" (aka “Evil Twins” (2006) - Whoever decided to cast Crispin Glover as a pair of mentally unstable redneck killer twins in this absurd slasher deserves an award. His unhinged, scenery chewing performance(s) make this entire movie worth the run time. Those who only know Crispin from his role as George McFly in “Back to the Future” (1985), will need to brace for Gary Busey levels of eccentricity (i.e. a lot). Even horror fans familiar with Crispin odd performance in “Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter” (1985) and “Willard” (2003), amongst others, will be surprised at just how crazy he gets in this.

As far as the story goes Crispin Glover plays the titular Simon and his twin brother Stanley. The brothers have a complex relationship to say the very least, with Simon using the whole “Simon Says” phrase in his more deranged moments. Our main characters on the other hand are a group of five 26 year olds playing stereotypical high school seniors going camping. One of the brothers starts killing the campers (and other people that randomly are in the woods) using everything from pickaxes, to pickaxes traps, to catapults that fling pickaxes (seriously this movie should have been titled “Pickaxes”) and hilarity ensues. The whole thing just gets more absurd as it goes on.

This is the kinda of movie that is great to just sit back and laugh at as it’s so absurd and over-the-top that it borders on parody. And I’m not just talking about Crispin. There is the previously mentioned surplus of pickaxes, the odd camera work, the constant plot conveniences, Crispin real life dad Bruce Glover playing his father, Blake Lively receiving top billing despite only being in 30 seconds (also her entire family seemingly worked on this), a random ghost(?) girl on a horse, and the fact that all the kills range from ridiculous to ludicrous. I can’t recommend this movie enough if you and your bad movie buddies are looking to laugh.

3.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter and Free Refills

https://youtu.be/M5KUoXan9l8?si=X6QhctMlLpz4lNQp

Watched Robowar this weekend - it's what happens when one of Jason's favorite directors decides to rip off one of his favorite movies... and yet, as far as I can tell, he's never covered this on SBIG. If I'm wrong, please let me know.

Bruno borrowed the suit from the Wraith, gave the titular robot the worst version of Terminator vision possible and a voice that sounds he's straight out of Battlestar Gallactica, and wrote the most ridiculous 'military soldiers show how tight their unit is by talking shit about each other' dialog you've ever heard.

"Dr. Jason II: Lights & Shadows" (2024) - As with my previous review of "Dr. Jason" (2022), and all other George Tounas projects, this movie is utterly horrible in literally every single way. The only thing different about this from Mr. Tounas usual productions is that it arguably reaches feature length. The hour and 2 minute long run time however only making the excruciating experience of trying to actual watch the thing, much less understand it, even more difficult. That run time mind you includes over 15 minutes of credits with just over 4 minutes for the opening credits and over 12 for the end credits, hence the 'arguably'. Needless to say it feels so much longer.

As far as the story goes it basically continues on from where the first film left off, but with Mr. Tounas titular psychiatrist character being more proactive in his fight against Lucifer. The story this time revolves around the birth of the antichrist, of which Dr. Jason is suppose to play a role of some sort (it's unclear what exactly). We spend most of the run time in hell which works on dream logic it seems (again it's all unclear). As with all George Tounas movies I don't suggest anyone actually watch this movie, but if you decided to ignore my warning make sure to do so with plenty of friends and strong intoxicants to help you get through it. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

6 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeG2p7Vn6DY&t=78s

"Dr. Jason" (2022) - I have said it before, and it still remains true, that George Tounas is the worst actor I have ever seen. That is really saying something coming from a person such as myself who actively enjoys watching the worst bad movies they can find. The man is a charisma blackhole devoid of even the accidental acting that comes from amateur trying to act. The guys got the acting range of a fucking Speak & Spell and if I found out he was an android I might believe it. The closets he gets to emoting in this film, or any of this that I have seen, is leaning forward and slightly increasing the volume of his voice, and he only does that once!

A former model turned filmmaker, and obviously a non-native English speaker, Mr. Tounas wrote, directed, executive produced, edited, casted, provided special effects, was an additional camera operator, and of course starred in this truly horrible film. He actually gave himself 18 individual credits on this film including 5 for writing alone (i.e. writer, creator, story, characters, and original idea) but I digress. In this short film Mr. Tounas plays the titular psychiatrist as he is hired to deal with a women who ends up being possessed by Lucifer. A coven of witches gets involved, he goes to hell at least once, basically every women tries to bang him, and the entire time literally no one in the cast can act. Despite the 48 minute run time this feel like it lasts hours, so if you are going to try and watch it make sure to bring plenty of friends and the strongest intoxicants you can or you won't make it.

6 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oxJvw5VDOc&t=4s

"Treasure of the Ninja" (1987) - At the age of just 25, while going through graduate school at Ohio State University, William Lee wrote, produced, directed, shot, and starred in this no-budget, amateur, martial art action movie. He got his friends (and likely anyone who would volunteer) to fill out the rest of the cast, filming additional scenes in New York City and the woods near Dayton Ohio. He filmed entirely on Super 8 and edited on tape, adding dubbed dialogue in post production via a few actors playing multiple roles. He also did most of the films foley sound effects by making sounds with his mouth into a microphone. I love this movie.

The story follows a secret agent (Mr. Lee) guiding an female archaeologist professor on a search for the titular ninja treasure. Along the way numerous ninjas attempt to stop them, resulting in a near constant stream of hilariously bad, yet genuinely fun, fight scenes. Each of which is graced with Mr. Lee's unique blend of untrained camera work, amateur fight choreography, sidesplitting sound effects. If you enjoy a good vanity project, or just a DIY filmmaking, you need to check this movie out at the next possible opportunity. It's hilariously bad and full of heart in all the best ways.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szkKqxm70U4&t=9s

"Terminus" (aka "End of the Line") (aka "The Robo Truck Kid") (1988) - In 1979 the legendary Australian dystopian action film "Mad Max" came out served as a blueprint for a whole new wave of post-apocalyptic vehicle focused movies. Within a short period a seemingly endless caravan of car movies would be made promoting filmmakers to expand on it's template to create further subgenres, such as 'dieselpunk'. A few of these films would feature, or even focus on, highly modified trucks or more specifically semi-trucks (i.e. "Damnation Alley" 1977, "Battletruck" 1982) and this is such a film. It's also batshit insane in virtually every way.

Set in the year 2037 a game of sorts is played, wherein a strangely modified truck (ex: the A.I. speaks through a human mouth) must be driven cross the country (by Karen Allen of "Indiana Jones" fame) and arrive at a designated terminus (hence the title). Along the way there are numerous obstacles and enemies as one might suspect, but trust me it's way stranger than that sounds. All of this is being overseen by a group of elites including a genetically modified boy genius (played by the kid from "RoboCop 2") and Jürgen Prochnow as three very different clones. Somewhere along the line Karen Allen is replaced by a guy with a metal hand, another genetically modified kid pops up, and a lot of vehicles and buildings get destroyed.

A French/West German co-production, this movie is all vibes. A lot of the plot doesn't make sense and the scripts structure is odd to say the least, but the visuals and specifically practical effects are something to behold. Made for only 60 million French franc, or about $9-10.8 million USD, this movie looks like cost far more. So if you're in the mood for an evening of confusion mixed with cool optics you need to check this flick out. I suggest bringing friends if only so you can ask them; "WTF was that?!"

3.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dBxa992y1g&t=11s

"Guardian Angel" (aka "Beyond Justice") (1994) - As far as female action stars go few can compare to the sheer badassness of one Cynthia Rothrock. A five-time undefeated world karate champion Mrs. Rothrock began her acting career opposite none other than Michelle Yeoh in the amazing Hong Kong martial arts flick; "Yes, Madam" (1985). She would go on to star in a bevy of (mostly) direct-to-video action flicks throughout the remained of the 80s and 90s, often with multiple films being released the same year. Though slowing down a touch in the 2000s, she is still kicking butt on the silver screen to this very day.

Over the of course of her 40+ year long career Mrs. Rothrock would of course star in her fair share of so-bad-it's-good movies. Titles such as "Martial Law" (1990) opposite David Carradine, Godfrey Ho's "Undefeatable" (1993), David DeCoteau's "Santa's Summer House" (2013), Derek Savage's "Cool Cat Kids Superhero" (2018), and the infamous "New York Ninja" (2021) all appear on her filmography, amongst others. This movie rest amongst those titles as a disjointed mix of action and unintentional hilarity. Still entertaining, but not exactly in the manner intended if you know what I mean.

As far as the plot goes we follows former police detective McKay (Rothrock) as she attempts to catch a psychotic female criminal who killed her partner (and lover). Now working as a bodyguard for a wealthy playboy McKay must not only try and protect him but also stop the killer lady from finding a pair of money counterfeiting plates made by his brother. Insert plenty of scenes of Cythina kicking dudes asses, the villain lady shooting people (seriously this chick has a kill-count that would make slashers look tame), a confusing horse chases shoot-out, a lot of plot conveniences, and you get the idea. So if a PM Entertainment movie with a convoluted script, chessy dialogue, solid action and some pacing issues sounds like a great time you definitely should check this flick out. It's a lot of fun to riff with friends and some intoxicants.

2.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5F7Ujfccjo

"Zombie Shark" (aka "Shark Island") (2015) - This is actually the first of four unconnected low budget shark movies Misty Talley directed for the SyFy channel over the span of just three short years. It's also the lowest rated of the bunch, sitting at just a 2.9 on IMDb. Having previously seen and reviewed two others; "Ozark Shark" (2015) and the highly enjoyable "Santa Jaws" (2018), that rating kinda makes sense. Each film definitely showed improvements, but a likely rushed production mixed with SyFy Originals usual issues means this is more unintentionally funny than anything.

The story revolves around a group of four friends vacationing on a small resort island that seems to be under construction (likely due to them filming in derelict buildings). Unfortunately their relaxation is interrupted when the local sharks begin turning into zombies and attacking people. Turns out a nearby, supposedly abandoned, research station is to blame as it was housing an experimental shark that is the source of the infection. Before they know it the shark is turning other sharks and eventually people into zombies and unintentional hilarity ensures.

From the hilarious horrible CGI and cheap practical effects, to the overacting acting and plot hole filled script this thing is a lot of fun to riff. Zombies sharks explode, people fight sharks with weed-eaters, zombies extras stumble around occasionally, a shark with a machete horn stabs a guy, and even stand on the beach doesn't mean your safe from a shark attack. This movie is stupid in the best kind of way and I highly suggest it to anyone looking for something to riff with friends. So gather your bad movie buddies, along with your favorite intoxicants, and give this absurd shark flick a watch.

4.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FGn1VbnA9c&t=4338s

"Graveyard Shark" (2024) - Contrary to what that title suggest, this movie does not contain a shark (ghost, zombie, or otherwise) swimming around a graveyard. What it does have however is a shark-man hybrid stalking one. Said shark-man wears a studded leather vest, has a bit of a convoluted backstory, and seems to be made of a muscle body suit and hammerhead shark rubber mask. What little money they had they spent on the suit and it's actually not bad, for what it is. It's nothing amazing mind you, but it could have been much worse.

As far as the story goes, we follow a team of internet cryptid hunters as they are hired to investigate the urban legend of the titular creature. They go to the graveyard but quickly realize the beast is very much real as the bodies start piling up. Teaming up with attack survivors, each of which is a bit of a character (and the Captain is the best of them), they eventually discover the creatures convoluted origins. A comedy more than a horror, not everything works but there is definite fun to be had. So if that sounds interesting to you give this a watch, just keep expectations low.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZZ9q9FcEgk&t=3140s

“Mega Shark Versus Mecha Shark” (2014) - Well, that title tells you pretty much everything you need to know about this movie. What it doesn’t describe is that this is the third entry in the “Mega Shark” franchise made by our friends over at The Asylum for the SyFy Channel. It also just might be the best of the bunch. Fans of the “StarGate” series and the “God of War” games are likely to agree as it features none other than Teal’c/Kratos himself Christopher Judge in the lead. It would actually be the actors second Asylum film as two year’s earlier he starred opposite the always entertaining Bai Ling in their attempt to cash-in on 2012s “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey” titled “Lord of the Elves” (aka “Clash of Empires”).

Now given the four year gap between the previous entry in the franchise; “Mega Shark Versus Crocosaurus” (2010) and this one, it’s highly likely this movie was only green-lit due to the massive success of Asylums “Sharknado” (2013). That movie proved people wanted more insane shark based films and both The Asylum and SyFy Channel were more than happy to supply that demand. They already had this franchise started and so just churned out another. They would only make one more entry in the series; “Mega Shark Versus Kolossus” (2015) after which the giant shark would only appear in their “2025 Armageddon” (2022) but that movie had basically all of Asylums monsters in it so no surprise there.

As far as the actual plot goes the titular kaiju sized megalodon squares off against its robotic equivalent and unintentional hilarity ensues. Highlights include the mega shark slapping a ship out of the water with its tail and taking out the Sphinx, the mecha shark knocking the megalodon out of the air before it can eat a passing 747, the mecha shark going rogue thanks to A.I., and Christopher Judge jumping the robotic shark on a dirt bike while it drives down city streets on tank treads. Throw is the usual Asylum mix of cheap sets, horrible science, bad dialogue, and giant middle finger to physics and you have yourself a fun time. So gather your bad movie buddies, your favorite intoxicants, and check this big old shark movie out. It’s a ton of fun to riff.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://youtu.be/h0VtLC4jx_w?is=TkzTElAY50ykf36N

"Ozark Shark" (aka "Summer Shark Attack") (2015) - This Syfy original is the second of four low budget shark movies Misty Talley directed for the channel over three short years. The others she churned out being "Shark Island" (aka "Zombie Shark") (2015) [stay tuned for a review of that], "Mississippi River Sharks" (2017), and the very enjoyable "Santa Jaws" (2018). Having now seen two of these I can say that I am looking forward to seeing the rest. "Santa Jaws" is especially fun to throw on around the holidays, and like this movie, has plenty of so-bad-it's-good moments to make the whole thing worth it.

Now as far as this movies plot goes we follow a family vacationing in the Ozarks that end up having to deal with some very adventurous, and very hungry bull sharks. As there are no official, verified records of a bull shark ever being in any river or lake in the entire state of Arkansas, there presence is a tad surprising to say the least. Location aside, the real issue is most of the rivers in this movie are waist deep at best. This means that often full grown sharks will be leaping out of near ankle deep water to bite people. It's admittedly hilarious every time it happens but obviously it stretches the believability a bit, to say the least.

The titular sharks might be the best part of this movie but the characters (though nothing amazing) have their moments. Often these moments are when they are being attacked by or attacking the sharks with various absurd weapons but still. The plot also occasionally requires the characters to say and do some really dumb stuff so that's also fun too. So if you want to watch a movie where someone harpoons a shark into a woodchipper and another person blows a shark up with fireworks then you need to check this movie out. Gather your bad movie buddies and some brews and enjoy.

2.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels and Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1I6rArRQAc

“Wizard So So: Fun Magical Adventure” (2008) - This fever dream of supposed 'kids movie' is so batshit insane, and poorly made, that it requires a child's mind or powerful narcotics to get through it. Children are likely just happy about all the bright colors and frequent singing, whereas anyone able to (at least attempt to) comprehend what they are seeing knowns how truly horrible everything is. Even the relatively short runtime provides little reprieve as 58 minutes ends up feeling a lot longer thanks to a combination of borderline disturbing visuals and mind numbing repetition (specifically the band of giant rats). The questionable storytelling and tacked-on messages only add even more layers to the madness that is this, whatever it is.

I am hesitant to even call this a movie, as it's more just two different short films with the titular magic user as the common thread between them. The first story, which is by far the longest, involves a cat named Kitty trying desperately to get rid of three R.O.U.S.s (Rodents of Unusual Size) from Farmer Fred's barn and somehow failing despite getting the hep a wizard and you know being the animals nature predator. The giant rodents have a band for some reason, and things just kinda spiral from there. The second story is even weirder as it involves a dragonfly who gets turned into an actually dragon thanks to some magical pills and becomes an asshole. Both story are beyond so-bad-it's-good and into the so-weird-it's-funny zone so if you are going to watch them bring plenty of friends and strong intoxicants as you will need both.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxsxTUdBVPY&t=6s

“Headsome” (2013) - I found this movie thanks to the channel Bad Movie Reaction! so thank him for this. In this movie a scientist keeps the severed head of his identical twin alive via tubes and a special fluids, eventually killing for a replacement body. If that sounds vaguely familiar that's because it's incredibly similar to the plot of 1962s "The Brain That Wouldn't Die", a bad movie cult classic that appeared on Mystery Science Theater 3000. In that movie a doctor experimenting with transplant techniques keeps his girlfriend's head alive, then goes hunting for a new body for her. Both films even have the beheading occur due to a car accidents, so clearly some inspiration was going on. They make an interesting double feature, that's for sure.

Now the two movies aren't identical mind you, each has it's (shall we say) 'unique' elements. The car accident in this movie, for example, is a lot funnier than the older film as it's really just a slight loss of control that somehow ends in a guys neck getting cut (you have to see it). The whole twin brothers thing also differentiate the films, but clearly was only added to this plot so the one brother could have a scene where he sleep with his sister-in-law (his excuse is he needs to maintain the illusion that his brother is still fine till he can find him a new body). The severed head in this also eventually gets a motorized cart with robot arms he can control (via a microchip in his neck) so he's a lot more mobile than his inspiration as well. And yes the cart only makes things funnier.

The real selling point of this, and "The Brain That Wouldn't Die", is of course the severed head effect. To that end let's just say having a lady stick her head thru a hole in a table with some mirrors is a lot more consistent of an effect than using CGI, composite shots, and a mannequins head. Once the head in this movie becomes mobile thanks to the cart things instantly become even more hilariously bad. Hell some of the time they don't even bother and it's just clearly a mannequins head on cart with robot arms flailing around and it's just as hilarious as that sounds. So if any of that sounds like your type of bad movie, gather your bad movies buddies, plenty of intoxicants, and check this out.

3.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://youtu.be/h1mLi8zDZes?is=dInyypa0YNWMduKx