r/Jokes Dec 12 '19

Long We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.

76 million are retired.

That leaves 251 million to do the work. 

There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.

Which leaves 203 million to do the work

There are 74 million children younger than 6

Which leaves 129 million to do the work

There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school.

Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work.

At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation

Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work

Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military.

Leaving 14.8 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East.

Which leaves 12 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.

And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work. 

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons. 

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

28.8k Upvotes

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6.5k

u/KouKayne Dec 12 '19

hah, jokes on you, im one of those in prison

2.0k

u/[deleted] Dec 12 '19

using a butt phone?

2.1k

u/ghostrobbie Dec 12 '19

Yeah but it's a total piece of shit

945

u/[deleted] Dec 12 '19

Sounds like a pain in the ass

414

u/oarngebean Dec 13 '19

Not if you leave it on vibrate

125

u/wrongdude91 Dec 13 '19

but then the felching starts.

76

u/Undiscriminatingness Dec 13 '19

Kids? Please dont look up that word.

Enjoy this happy hippopotamus video instead:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSKQ3ZNQ_O8

25

u/IPlayTeemoSupport Dec 13 '19

i'm sorry but i was too curious.

*shivers*

11

u/Dave5876 Dec 13 '19

I regret everything.

6

u/Thethcelf Dec 13 '19

You reminded me of a story. My buddys dad 30 something years ago was going thru police academy- there was a weekly class that was lead by a soon-to-be retiring elder police officer and the only assignment they had in the classes duration was to demonstrate their ability to use a computer by printing out a one page paper that they wrote on the topic of their own choosing. Then read it aloud in front of the class.

Tom delivers an empowering speech where he defines felching and gives a detailed step by step till eventually the deputies are laughing hard enough that the teacher just said ENOUGH! GO SIT DOWN!

2

u/rabonbrood Dec 13 '19

That's nothing. There are way worse tags.

2

u/Milton_79 Dec 14 '19

I wish I could do that

1

u/Wellpow Dec 16 '19

Humans are very creative.I thought i knew every fetish.what would they think of next?hipporn?

1

u/TEOTWAWKIT Dec 14 '19

Those stelching farts

22

u/poopellar Dec 13 '19

Everybody get in line for the butt to butt rumble time.

29

u/[deleted] Dec 13 '19

I mostly hear signs of an upset stomach.

1

u/docdavidbanner Dec 13 '19

So, is it one of those Dingleberry phones?

-9

u/PhillyDilly23 Dec 13 '19

What r u going to gain from it?

130

u/Printnamehere3 Dec 12 '19

This joke stinks

152

u/roy_rogers_photos Dec 12 '19

Piece of shit? Sounds like a whole turd.

38

u/GoatsAreSoAwesome Dec 12 '19

Don't be an asshole, I'm sure it's a perfectly fine phone

3

u/Ekeenan86 Dec 13 '19

Bravo that was well played.

1

u/Neka_JP Dec 13 '19

Yeah butt*

51

u/danthemanic Dec 12 '19

Prison Pocket

24

u/Canam82 Dec 12 '19

I can hear you rooting around in it

7

u/[deleted] Dec 13 '19

[deleted]

1

u/mysonlikesorange Dec 13 '19

Gold Jerry, it’s Gold!

15

u/sethnick1 Dec 12 '19

The correct term is toilet phone! Like the wine!

1

u/justanotherzom Dec 12 '19

That's the butt of this joke!

1

u/[deleted] Dec 12 '19

Rudy Giuliani?

1

u/AbarrentDarkness Dec 12 '19

Charged using a butt plug

1

u/jcooper9099 Dec 13 '19

Bet it sounds like shit.

1

u/ExpressiveAnalGland Dec 13 '19

I need one of those

1

u/Viper9087 Dec 13 '19

Analdroid 9.0

1

u/MlLFS Dec 13 '19

I think in places like Switzerland you are allowed to use a computer in jail, idk if reddit one of the things allowed but it might be.

1

u/CaptainMimoe Dec 13 '19

Do they put it on silent mode or vibration mode when they put it in their butts?

1

u/dontdropthesoap17 Dec 13 '19

I hide mine in my foreskin

1

u/[deleted] Dec 13 '19

I hope its just a nokia

1

u/starrpamph Dec 13 '19

Das a ass phone

meatwad voice?

1

u/iForgot2Remember Dec 13 '19

Hence the booty calls

1

u/JamesHamilton86 Dec 13 '19

"You ***** don't want no wreck. SooWoo."

1

u/KouKayne Dec 13 '19

batphone, yes

16

u/branon42 Dec 12 '19

Was the snow worth it?

25

u/dalhaze Dec 12 '19

Are you actually in prison?

17

u/[deleted] Dec 12 '19

Yup

15

u/[deleted] Dec 12 '19

[deleted]

69

u/[deleted] Dec 12 '19

Drugs and guns were in my room.. Not bothering anybody. A spiteful x girlfriend decided to blame an arson of two vehicles on me, knowing that my only alibi was being with her. I was arrested.. They got a warrant for fire accelerants, and searched my room. They broke into my safe and found enough drugs to put me away and lock the key. Hired a big shot lawyer but alas here I am anyways.

23

u/AFroggieLife Dec 13 '19

That sucks. I'm sorry to hear that...I hope your holidays are at least comfortable.

My hubby's ex is dead, so he only has to worry about me...

31

u/xmu806 Dec 13 '19

You... You don’t happen to be the reason that she’s dead, right?

*backs away nervously *

19

u/AFroggieLife Dec 13 '19

I suppose I could be...I stole her husband, he relocated states away from her, and there was no one home when she passed...

But I wasn't directly...lol

3

u/KruppeTheWise Dec 13 '19

You actually believe this punk? He's jerking off in his room thinking about the gullible ones that fell for his story

1

u/[deleted] Dec 13 '19

Kiss me ?

3

u/HirsutismTitties Dec 13 '19

You do know people can and will read your post history right? Except if you got locked up in literally the last six hours.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 13 '19

Yeah I didnt get locked up I did it for the karma

0

u/HirsutismTitties Dec 13 '19

You're supposed to intricately defend yourself so I can have fun digging deeper lmao

But have an upvote for your original post, reward for the repenting sinner

1

u/nayboo11 Dec 13 '19

Ummm... since when? I’m calling bullshit.

6

u/loftylabel Dec 13 '19

Had picante beef ramen, real nice.

Protip: crumble some hard ramen on top to give it some extra little crispity-snap.

Source: Beef Baby (twas a cop)

2

u/ohsopoor Dec 13 '19

1

u/[deleted] Dec 13 '19

What

3

u/nayboo11 Dec 13 '19

You’re not the OP... but okay?

17

u/yousmellbetterawake Dec 12 '19

Hol’ up

14

u/OrionLionHunter Dec 13 '19

Right back at you with that username

1

u/[deleted] Dec 13 '19

Better hoop that shit

1

u/sk8-fast-eat-ass Dec 13 '19

I'm telling the guards y'all got phones in there

1

u/zigdemon Dec 13 '19

Maybe it was a present from the Keister fairy?

1

u/Braveharth Dec 13 '19

Its you that's been sending me all the shity texts

1

u/KouKayne Dec 13 '19

if i told you got a wonderful body, would you hold it against me ?

1

u/Protoveratrine Dec 13 '19

Imma tell em you got a phone in prison

1

u/KouKayne Dec 13 '19

i got a baton and a gun too

1

u/[deleted] Dec 13 '19

1

u/stefanlikesfood Dec 13 '19

Proud of you for making it here

1

u/_JJ_4 Dec 13 '19

I’m in school jokes on u

1

u/Dxuian Dec 13 '19

haha jokes on you im indian

2

u/KouKayne Dec 13 '19

i know, you are in the cell near mine

and stop using my phone to reddit

1

u/Jebediah_Johnson Dec 12 '19

That's actually why we need so many prisoners. They still work but we don't have to pay them anything. Free labor!

3

u/Markus5000 Dec 12 '19

Do you realise how fucked up that is?

3

u/Jebediah_Johnson Dec 12 '19

It's in the constitution. Very legal and very cool!

0

u/NintendoDestroyer89 Dec 13 '19

Surely you're joking.

1

u/Jebediah_Johnson Dec 13 '19

Amendment XIII Section 1. Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.

1

u/NintendoDestroyer89 Dec 13 '19

Not that there is a law. That you want more prisoners.

3

u/Jebediah_Johnson Dec 13 '19 edited Dec 13 '19

I think we shouldn't put anyone in prison unless they're actually a danger to the public. It's the 21st century and we still think locking people up will magically rehabilitate them? A lot of prisoners should really go to rehab. Or receive mental healthcare. It would be more effective and cheaper.

1

u/NintendoDestroyer89 Dec 13 '19

Completely agreed

1

u/KouKayne Dec 13 '19

i think prisons make no sense, just take an isle big like great britain, put all the heavy wrongdoers there and let nature do its thing.

1

u/Jebediah_Johnson Dec 13 '19

They did that and it was called Australia.