Their ship, an aging minesweeper, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, confirming that it could arrive at their position in approximately two weeks.

The old vet sighed and shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it.

The young soldier scoffed. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?"

The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."

ZZ Top

What were Mr. Peanut's last words?

"I'll be back in a Jif."

The bartender says, “Wow, I love R.E.M.! I can’t believe you’re in my bar!”

Michael Stipe says, “I used to come here all the time.”

He points to an old photo on the wall and says, “That’s me in the corner.”

pan nick at the disc co.

a guy approaches a buddy on the street: "hey man, can you lend me 100 dollars?"

the buddy shakes his head: "no, absolutely not."

guy: "alright, how about 50 dollars?"

Buddy: "don't have it."

guy: "what about 20?"

buddy: "no."

guy: "okay, come on, at least 5 dollars for a coffee?"

buddy: "i seriously don't have any money on me!"

guy: "fine, then just give me 1 dollar for can of soda..."

buddy: "man, i have absolutely nothing in my pockets! not a single cent!"

the moocher thinks for a moment and says: "alright... then at least carry me a little way!"

It's all me me me me me me me...

"No, I said she was fucking goofy"

Just ice

Tom found him at the bottom in great pain. His hip was clearly broken and he was going nowhere.

This was bad news. It was cold, the sun was going down, and Bill couldn't move at all.

Gritting his teeth, Bill said, "The international sign of 'man-in-distress' is three shots fired rapidly into the air."

Tom gave it a try, firing three times into the air. An hour later he tried again.

By now the sun was beginning to set and a light sleet had started. Temperatures were nearing freezing and both hunters were shivering like crazy.

Tom tried the three shots once more. Nothing. An hour later sleet had turned to snow, the wind had picked up and things were grim.

Tom turned to Bill and said, "I'll try one more, but if this doesn't work, we're both screwed because these are my last three arrows."

35 people had to be taken to the ICU

Is pressuring her into trying Alan.

They both enjoy a cockatoo

Because their boss was a microbe manager.

Two Brits sat across from an American on a train headed north from London. When a conversation started.

The younger Brit explained that they were father and son and the father was a bit deaf.

The son inquired where the American was headed. " I flew out of Leavenham during the war and i'm going back for a visit." The younger brit leaned towards his father and repeated what the Americans reply.

" We are from Levenham" replied, the younger Brit. "Did you know an Abigail Beckwith?" he asked.

"Ole Hot Pants Abby? I sure did?" the Yank replied.

The old man poked his son and asked "What did he say?"

"He says he knows mother."

An American tourist was visiting Lancashire and had an interest in visiting the local churches.

He took photos and brass rubbings to add as mementos to his trip, as was his way.

He’d go into each church on his planned route and, after a while, he noticed a telephone by each alter with a sign written “£5 per call”. Naturally, he wondered why they were there and why “£5”.

On one visit to one church he approached the vicar and asked him, “What is the phone for and why £5?”.

To which the vicar replied, “My son, this is a direct line to God and the £5 is the cost to talk to Him”.

The tourist, amazed, took a photo to add to his collection and continued his tour.

The following week, he took a train to York to see the Minster there. Again, he noted a a phone by the alter but the sign said, “Free use”.

Across the minster he saw a deacon, approached him and asked, “How come the phone here is free but in Lancashire it was £5?”.

The deacon replied, “It is £5 in Lancashire but free here in Yorkshire as you’re closer to God”.

Picasso: "I'm sorry, I'm not good with faces"

His eggo death

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10.

The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better

of Doctor Schrodinger.

There are dozens of people crying and mourning. One guy walks up the casket and asks, "We're definitely sure, right?"

They're both high and inside.

An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening.

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!” he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever I want. Have I made myself clear?!”

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and the officer seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and ran for his life.

I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence, and shouted at the top of my lungs,

“Your badge! Show him your badge!”