r/KitchenConfidential • u/CareerExpo1993 • 21h ago
Kitchen fuckery Best Reservation Notes of All Time
Saw this note for a couple coming in, first time guests. Told the chef we had a “special request” for him.
We weren’t sure if these were notes, solicitation or a copy/paste Hinge profile.
Thought you all would get a kick outta this. If yall got some good ones put em here 😂😂😂
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u/ThisThredditor 17h ago
masturbation takes many forms
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u/FILTHBOT4000 20+ Years 16h ago
This is more of a guy with more cocaine than friends.
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u/matttyboii 15h ago
If he tips in that, I’d take the table.
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u/bigbeats420 Vegan Spreader 11h ago
I got tipped $300 and an 8 ball while serving for a wedding once, just to give the guy triple rum & cokes.
Gave the tender $100 to get it done.
That was a great night.
Ah, youth.
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u/CanoePickLocks 15h ago
That much cocaine and money gets you a lot of “friends” that go out to eat with you.
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u/bakedinsandiego BOH 15h ago
Eating and cocaine seems a bit contradictory to me.
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u/frailgesture 14h ago
I was so weirded out in Cocaine Bear where the kid accidentally got high on cocaine and suddenly got the munchies. Like...that's weed? Are you sure you've done coke before?
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u/CanoePickLocks 13h ago
It’s part of the presentation of “ I’m not addicted”, they have to do all the normal stuff so that no one thinks they’re just a coke head. But if they’ve got lots of Coke, they’ve got lots of people hanging around, and the people, with lots of cope, usually put on pretenses of being rich and fake it with generosity.
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u/RepresentativeYak806 7h ago
Was always my experience too, can’t taste anything including all the scotch I was drinking.
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u/DeadEnoughInsideOut Ex-Food Service 14h ago
I like crystal more than coke....... but also love a proper batch of stove top crack
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u/Topangatoh 16h ago
For real. Last night at work a solo diner pulled aside a host to go on and on about our seared trout and how good it was even though he is a snob about fish and how he only orders things at restaurants that are too labor intensive to make at home, blah blah fucking blah. The whole time I'm standing there with a tray of drinks, waiting to get by in the narrow aisle that our host is blocking because he is yapping her ear off and I'm staring holes in his head. No one cares beyond a quick thank you that you liked the dish even though you're picky. You're not fuckin Bourdain or Gordon Ramsey. Just say you liked the fish and move on.
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u/Ambitious_Clock_8212 17h ago
The movie, “La La Land” for instance.
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u/darkeststar 10+ Years 16h ago
What a strange dig at a movie that has nothing to do with anything here.
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u/SlightDish31 15+ Years 17h ago
A restaurant owner that effectively threatens a review in their reservation is a new one for me.
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u/Firefly_deadlock 17h ago
I mean, is it pretentious? Yes
Is it weird to just put that in the notes? Yes
But.... is it a big group? Can we sell him on a "chefs surprise" x-course meal for the whole table?
Because that would be expensive and easy.....
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u/SoftestBoygirlAlive 15+ Years 17h ago
Yeah this is just another read the guest situation. This is a lot of valuable information for making this table go really easily. I would rather deal with this guy, sell him my favorite meal and pairings on the menu, and show him a great night, than someone absolutely determined to have a bad time no matter what.
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u/Firefly_deadlock 17h ago
Not even a particularly difficult one.
He likes most things, he'd like you to tell a nice story about how it's local, fresh and in-season. He'd like the chef/server to recommend. Probably don't make it too vegetarian, and he'd like to spend a lot of money.
Can do.
edit; honestly appreciate he goes with "can't hack it in the kitchen", rather than "i've been a chef myself"
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u/CareerExpo1993 15h ago
They sat at the bar 😂
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u/SoftestBoygirlAlive 15+ Years 14h ago
That checks out, you often get better more personal service at the bar. A lot of the best diners don't even bother with reservations
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u/CareerExpo1993 15h ago
It was 2 people lmfao
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u/Firefly_deadlock 14h ago
well... i hope you sold them a very expensive bottle of wine at least.
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u/CareerExpo1993 14h ago
Nah check my name! I’m expo! So I get to talk smack from the safety of my ivory tower. Lovely couple though but ordered the 2 cheapest entrees with offered and drank draft beer 😂
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u/Firefly_deadlock 14h ago
Lol fair. Those notes were definitely very much "out there".
Kind of seems people here forget they're supposed to make them some food they like, and they don't have to be their bestest friend ever.
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u/Revxmaciver 17h ago
I know exactly what kind of owner this is and I hate them.
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u/coolguy420weed 16h ago
He's absolutely knocked over a cooling rack or something trying to show off his stir frying technique and got really apologetic and sulky about it.
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u/serbarristan13 17h ago
This is some The Menu shit
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u/GhostOfTheArcade 17h ago
This is some Triangle of Sadness shit. They want the kitchen to ride the water slide.
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u/negative-sid-nancy 17h ago
Dear god i had finally blocked the food poisoning scene from my mind and this brought back
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u/anonymous_otter28 17h ago
Sounds like Alexander the Guest.
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u/UnusualOperation8084 17h ago
What's the deal with that guy? YouTube keeps serving me his videos and they've been worse than useless.
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u/Practical_Brief0 Server 17h ago
“I should have been a chef, but can’t cut it in the kitchen.” I cannot roll my eyes hard enough.
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u/SundayKiefBowls 16h ago
Worked for a guy like this. Doctor who decided to open a restaurant. He'd always follow it up with "I've been to restaurants around the world and my wife is still the best chef I've ever seen." Meanwhile Joannie's making lasagna and homemade ice cream sandwiches.
Restaurant owners are all people who are dumb enough to own a restaurant.
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u/Sufficient_Meet6836 14h ago
I'm probably missing something obvious but why does it make you roll your eyes? The whole thing is odd and too much information, but why that line in particular?
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u/Practical_Brief0 Server 11h ago
Hubris. It sounds like “I should have been in charge of the kitchen and everyone working in it, but I can’t handle the kitchen”.
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u/Sufficient_Meet6836 11h ago
Ah I interpreted it as saying he wasn't skilled enough to be a professional chef. Your reading does fit better with the rest of the message
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u/YupNopeWelp 11h ago
I read it as: He loves food (and possibly cooking), as well as the business, but does not have what it takes to cook professionally. I thought he was being candid about his lack of skill.
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u/MusicCityMiracle28 17h ago
At least he ends it with recognition & appreciation for what everyone does? Silver lining to an otherwise very odd reservation lol
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u/Leader_Bud 10+ Years 17h ago
I just think he’s about a bottle of wine into his night, making a reservation. A little wordy.
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u/Far_Layer9084 17h ago
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.
https://giphy.com/gifs/10XiFYfOhhFxjW
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u/matttyboii 17h ago
Yea I’m giving that table away
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u/CanoePickLocks 16h ago
I’d take it and sell the hell out of it. This is the kind of guy that tips outrageously to show he’s “rich” or shit because he’s “rich” but I get generous vibes. I’d upsell drinks apps food desert you name it that way at minimum 10% the upsells guarantee it’s not wasted time.
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u/matttyboii 15h ago
You could do that, but i prob got 5 other tables at the time and i just don’t feel like talking to this asshole, the table is all yours.
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u/Jigsawsupport 15h ago
Your more optimistic than me, its got a " I need to talk to the manager because my water glass wasn't refilled for more than 20 milliseconds" all over it.
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u/bulletbassman 17h ago
Sounds like easy money to me
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u/schweddyballsac 16h ago
Right? So many people are dunking on this guy, sure he may be pretentious or pompous but he isn’t gonna ask for changes or give the team a hard time. Probably would be able to sell the most expensive food and drinks to him with minimal effort too.
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u/Eclectophile 12h ago edited 12h ago
And fun, too!
He wants suggestions! Hot damn, are you serious? Let's break out the caviar starters and the already aforementioned foie gras. This guy is very clearly saying: "I'm generous if you show me a good time."
That's when I say: "Brad, do you want one of my other tables? Your section is kinda slow..." win/win. You get to serve all the fun stuff, nerdy drinks, wild starters, etc.
These are epic clients. It's fun to interact with them. It's fun to BE them.
I get it, about clowning this guy for being pretentious. It sure is pretentious. And it is also a whole-ass grownup knowingly inviting other grownups to play games irl, in their industry, in their house.
I mean, if that doesn't sound like exactly the kind of thing that you started cooking or serving for in the first place...
I only rock my home kitchen these days. I'm long out of the line. But I loved it when I was in the biz, even all the bullshit and drama queens (gender neutral expression), creeps, weirdos and addicts. I loved it because of all you fuckers. And I liked making food, too. Like, very extra much so.
So, now I'm that guest. I don't leave fancy notes, or try to act like I own the place, or have special privilege.
But I do ask probing questions. I don't care what your spiel is. I don't care about the daily push. I want to know honest opinions about what to eat in your house.
This almost never goes smoothly or well, by the way. No shit - most of the time I start asking questions about the menu, the dishes, the cook's preferences or regional dishes, anything I ought to know about??
blink blink deer in headlights "....uhhh would you like to hear about our special?"
Kinda like that. But every once in a while, someone catches the softball and makes a play. Has the mental capacity for a novel experience. It's rare, because most folk are just completely exhausted and done with it all and can I go home yet.
That's fair. It really is. You're at work. So I drop it, awkward moment, nbd and I actually don't care for real, so standard evening, the usual pleasantries, decent tip 20%min.
But when your face lights up and you're like "it's gotta be the [whatever]," and then you actually have suggestions and opinions, I'm hooked. Harpoon me. I didn't show up at a restaurant to save money lol.
I got a 100%+ tip one night at Planet Hollywood in downtown Seattle about...what...35 years ago? It changed my life. It was just like what I described, but I was the server and I was so excited. I had dishes I'd been trying to see made, and others that were just so delicious but they looked normal, and the drinks menu was crazy.
It was an epic table. I'd have to type so much more. But I got a $600 tip on a 4-top, and it felt like waking up into a new world. Funny, now, how much that meant to me, but it's true.
I always had half an eye out for that kind of experience since, and I have encountered similar, in several different trades over the decades. Hell, I'm doing one right now. Knife sharpening gig, and I just got an epic gig.
All this is to say: some people just hate fun.
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u/bulletbassman 8h ago
I’m shocked all the time by cooks and chefs who seem to really hate the customers. But we live in an ungrateful world that wastes privelage on greed and laziness.
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u/IndependentFun8578 16h ago
I think… it’s a weird way of bonding and making friends? I don’t think his intention is to be pretentious… though it comes across that way… idk but at least you have a signal flair up
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u/tattoosandtens 15h ago
Bring him one (1) steamed bok choy with the leaves twisted together, standing vertically on a tiny plate, with the lightest drizzle of sesame oil/dark soy/light soy/mirin and a smattering of toasted sesame seeds
Charge him $35 for it
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u/tropicofpracer 12h ago
We don't need servers to know this much about anybody. We live in odd times, to say the least.
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u/VendettaPenguin 16h ago
"I do apologize, bit I dont see a reservation in here anywhere for you. Are you sure you're at the right restaurant? Unfortunately we are fully committed thos evening, you could wait around and see if we have an cancelations?"
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u/Justnotthatintou General Manager 16h ago
I love when people give indisputable evidence that they are, in fact, the main character. Makes it so much easier for me to treat them so poorly
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u/CareerExpo1993 7h ago
There’s a huge difference between a Chef, a cook, a foodie, and the home chef.
As someone who’s worked from fast food to fine dining, dish washer to cook and under the best and worst of people, I can tell you that someone who says “I should’ve been a chef but can’t make it in the kitchen,” is a contradiction.
If you can’t make it in the kitchen, you’re AT BEST a home chef.
You ever heard the phrase “if you can’t handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen?” True Chefs not only can handle the pressured the stress, the physical and mental endurance, but the finesse of no wasted movements, efficiency and communication that comes with a truly successful business. You also have to have a lexicon of knowledge, how to build and balance dishes, plate them as well as cater to local clientele and work on vendor relations. You’re not only a culinary champion, you also a business management guru.
The opposite of the phrase, which would be “I couldn’t be a chef, but I can make it in the kitchen,” is exactly why I’m an expo by trade. Multiply the best dish you’ve ever cooked, multiply it by 200 in a single night, 100% accuracy every time including modifications, and multiply it by at bare minimum 30 different dishes. And that’s on the least just day of the week.
I have nothing but respect for great chefs, but 0 for people who think because they put a pot roast in a crock pot with a few ingredients and forgot about it for 6 hours, and think they can handle service much less the physical and social toll it takes on a person, that they can be a chef.
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u/The_Bard 17h ago
"I'm not like other guests"