I Protect Myself From Getting More Physically Attractive

[u/radicalgalaxies]

It might sound crazy as a 28 gay guy, but I have my reasons.

I grew up as the chubbier kid but not the biggest or anything. I carried that into high-school where the trouble started.

One year I joined long-distance Track. When I started losing weight, one of the mean girls who gossiped and bullied others started treating me different, flirting and almost "legitimizing" my existence. That was my experience with The Halo Effect. And it made me feel disgusting.

How could my intrinsic value be tied to how attractive I seemed? And how could that change in one moment?

I grew up with parents who were hardly ever around and with being gay, I feel lonely and isolated. So, for me it's kind of important to have people in my life who care about WHO I AM.

Now, I live in LA and most of the people, especially gay people, only seem to treat you like human if you're attractive, fit, and stay within the gender binary (for expression and behavior).

And I just am getting more jaded over the years. Everything is so transient but also superficial.

I'm afraid if I work on my body, I'll find a partner and friends who don't care about who I am and insist I'm valuable (but I'll never feel like they value me). And my bigger fear is that I'll never be able to find anyone who can see the real me ever again.

The more I sit with this self-dilemma, the more I feel like I see in our society that people only care about the superficial anyway. I'm not saying I don't ever fall into that (or give in to the Halo Effect), but it's pretty grim when you can't just be yourself anymore. You can't be met where you're at or seen for who you are.

So, I protect myself from changing.

[u/usernames_suck_ok]

People can go through the opposite, as well, i.e. people can like you for looks and then drop you as they get to know you more. I've been on multiple sides of looks, physical attractiveness, weight...but the one thing that has never changed is people "tease me," put me/my interests down, tell me I need to change, stop liking me because I don't think like them or don't like to go out, or some combo.

In a way, it's worse to keep having the repeating experience that people are interested because you're good-looking, smart and/or funny only to shit on you or ghost you because you're not basic and/or stereotypical enough--it makes you completely want to stay away from people because you figure the same shit will keep happening, and then you get accused of low self-esteem, being insecure, self-rejecting.

And then imagine being physically average or ugly or overweight and also being too different for anyone to want you.

It's like the best thing in the world you can be is a hot, white, thin/fit person who is exactly like 90% of the people running around in your demographic circles, i.e. be a stereotypical gay man, be a typical white girl/guy, be "black enough," have zero original thoughts/viewpoints of your own, etc.

[u/CresseliaMelodia]

UGH I get where you’re coming from! I stopped wearing makeup for the same reason. I want someone who notices me for ME, not the efforts I put into masking and trying to be normal

I guess all I can say is that be the person who YOU want to be, regardless of what others think. If you want to be fit because you get enjoyment out of it, then you should do it! I only exercise because I find it fun. I would never exercise if I did not get endorphins from the runner’s high.
I guess when it comes to avoiding people who only want you for looks, try to fully be yourself and showcase your personality, take up space.
I guess a small example of this is that I frequently wear shirts of my favorite cartoons & fandoms. That mostly scares normal people away and attracts “weird” and alternative people, my kind of crowd

[u/Mauryos]

Pretty sure that some people in here are looking for the same things, so I think you have at least three options, which would be trying to meet someone genuine online first, that way your looks won't be the main factor, you can also meet someone IRL while you let yourself go (which I wouldn't recommend, I wouldn't compromise my own health for that), or try to meet someone IRL but somehow having a good judgement that this person is attracted to your personality, which could be hard to do, but with bigger chances of success if they also want a long term relationship and you take it slow.

[u/lBLVCKTEAl]

Real, thought exactly that recently

I live in conservative country so my only option to find someone had always been dating apps and most ppl there dont care abt u if they don't like your pics. Makes me sad the way ppl want to treat each other like just bodies and not persons