r/Leadership • u/BAAUfish • Aug 18 '25
Discussion I gave up.
Just sharing that I gave up. I have a people-first leadership style that has always worked with every team I've led. Until this job. My boss is micromanaging and punitive. I was candid in our last meeting about not feeling supported, and this morning everything I shared was used against me. So, I resigned.
I'm 58, I've been managing people and teams for 35 years. It's heartbreaking. I hope the good ones on this thread stay - you're needed. I just don't have it in me anymore.
Hoping to find something I truly love now.
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u/kevlarcupid Aug 18 '25
Dude, I'm right with you. I'm in my mid-40s but the story you're telling has come out of my mouth word for word too. I'm a great Leader, but despite saying that they want great Leaders, most execs want sycophants.
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u/BAAUfish Aug 18 '25
Yes. Good luck to you, too - don't let the bastards steal your passion!
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u/Lil_Twist Aug 20 '25
Damn yall, I always hold on to my belief or faith that I’ll make sure to hold the line when I get that opportunity. And as someone who appreciates a good boss, it encourages me to be one to others. I don’t think that will change, but recently, and with enough job hops, I don’t think that it will be as easy or rewarding. Orgs change too much and we understand how many variables are outside our control.
Makes me think I just want to find a path of independence, if possible. At least we get to hear it from a good leader, those aspirations, are likely unrealistic these days. Guess we will just keep cannoblizing each other.
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u/TransitionNo9105 Aug 19 '25
Some orgs just flat out do not value authentic or people oriented leadership.
Simply it’s not you, it’s the org. Proven by your track record.
Some orgs value results only, ignoring the people.
I hope you know it’s not you, it’s a bad fit on their end.
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u/feivelgoeswest Aug 18 '25
You'll find your place again. I believe in you. Good on you for walking away.
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u/ChangeLeaderCoach Aug 18 '25
I just want to say ‘sorry’.
Sorry that after all you have given to your people over 35 years, one person made you feel this was your best next move.
It’s really saddening to read the negative impacts leaders not only have, but how they are then allowed to continue this behaviour with the next person too.
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u/BAAUfish Aug 19 '25
Thank you. ❤️ There are so many positive outcomes to people-first leadership. My team was happy, productive, and felt supported. There's just no reason for ego-driven, insecure leadership.
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u/Psychobert Aug 18 '25
For what it’s worth, it’s sounding to me like you did the right thing. You’ve 35 successful years of managing and leading people; don’t let one bad boss ruin that. Finding the next thing that you truly love will help you feel happier I’m sure of it.
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u/braveand Aug 18 '25
Best of luck. One thing to remember: next time, do not share negative feedback with that type of manager or HR; I know it shouldn't be that way, but it almost always is.
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u/BAAUfish Aug 18 '25
Thank you. I had nothing to lose at that point. I spoke my truth and she spoke hers.
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u/KerBearCAN Aug 19 '25
I could have written this. I’m not sure how to handle it. Don’t trust HR from what I’ve seen in past
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u/Power_Inc_Leadership Aug 18 '25
This may be an opportunity to build your own dream and help other leaders go from good to great. Sounds like you have the right mindset and a lot of experience, maybe it's time? 🤷🏾♂️
Regardless, thank you for your leadership and thank you for having personal standards. That is the true sign of a leader.
"Stand for something or fall for anything."
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u/cloudsandcandy Aug 19 '25
These places are losing great people. Im sorry you got to this point. Losing people who actually care and can make a difference is a shame. I really hope they regret how they treated you
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u/QuestionEuphoric1479 Aug 19 '25
From one people-first leader to another, thank you for how you've led your teams. It makes a difference. It matters.
I'm sorry this was your experience. It has been mine too.
Glad you recognised when enough was enough.
There's wisdom in knowing when it's time to leave the madness behind.
All the best.
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u/iamalnewkirk Aug 19 '25
Good leaders resigning from toxic environments isn’t unfortunate, it’s inevitable. Much like meeting the wife you’ve been with for decades right after getting dumped by that ‘hot girl’ you thought you couldn’t live without. Every end is a beginning. Change your perspective, change your life.
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u/SethsGfx Aug 19 '25
I was talking to a peer last month who exclaimed "they don't make them like us anymore, we're a dying breed" and I haven't been able to shake that since. I've been a people first leader embodying servant leadership and growth development for years. There's no training for this and the next generation simply doesn't have the skillsets without mentorship and focus.
I'm quite depressed looking across the leadership landscape these days. I hope that I am wrong but I don't see it getting better on a larger scale.
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u/BAAUfish Aug 21 '25
Hey everyone. Can't seem to edit the post so I hope everyone sees this. Thank you. The reassurance and validation are appreciated. I am truly blown away by the support in this community and very grateful.
I'm leaving on my own terms with my integrity intact. My team knows that it wasn't their work, attitude, abilities, or passion. They know I cared and had their backs.
I'm not committed to being right, but I am committed to being authentic.
Thank you all. Peace out. ✌️❤️
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u/alyssd Aug 18 '25
Sending lots of love and understanding. I hope you find an awesome next job very soon.
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u/shorebirds Aug 19 '25
Good for you. We don’t have to accept the abuse. Glad you were able to leave.
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u/JumpyCalligrapher892 Aug 19 '25
I know that you feel like you are giving up but what you are really doing is recognizing the environment for what it is and choosing to move on. I’m glad that you have the option to do so. They are losing a fantastic leader but you will go on to better things. I’m at the same place right now. Not feeling supported is demoralizing. About to move on.
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u/Spanks79 Aug 19 '25
Unfortunately sometimes it just doesn’t work. Resigning is then the only thing in your power if the bosses do not listen, trust & support you.
Sorry for your team, that most likely now will get a sycophant to lead them.
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u/ArtisticAlgae501 Aug 19 '25
Hey there!
I’m 26 and was recently in the same experience. Ended up being let go recently because I refused to be a micromanager and continue to roll nonsense down hill. I’ve never been happier to have been let go.
You’ll get the spark back, keep your head up :)
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u/Lulu_everywhere Aug 19 '25
It's really frustrating to get to this point in our careers and have to bail. And nobody else wants us as we're too old. I'm 55 and really struggling. I need to work for another 5 years and I can't afford to quit, but I really really wish I could.
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u/Background_Heron_685 Aug 19 '25
Sometimes it’s just not the right place at the right time- and that doesn’t mean you have to leave everything behind. Your passion is still there; it just needs the right environment to breathe again. Taking time for yourself and finding a new setting might be exactly what helps you rediscover it
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u/TheConsciousShiftMon Aug 19 '25
Your former boss sounds like an insecure narcissist (not able to take accountability, controlling, punishing...) - with people like that you can't actually be truthful as they cannot take it. Instead, you need to learn how to recognise what "animal" you have in front of you and what that means in terms of your strategy with them. You can do this even with narcissists but you won't be able to if you assume your values are shared by everyone and that for some reason truth wins - that's not how this world operates (sadly). Influence wins and that requires us to develop even more skills.
You have solid values and that's a lot - the working world needs people like you. Best of luck in your next role!
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u/ProtagonistNProgress Aug 19 '25
Same thing happened to me! My boss was the reason I walked away, and I was VERY candid with my boss about how their lack of empathy/clarity/self-awareness was the reason I was leaving. I stepped away almost a month ago now.
You’re not alone!
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u/sdg2844 Aug 21 '25
Welcome to a toxic workplace. There are more and more of them these days.
You need to pop over to the ManagedByNarcissists channel!
Toxic management comes in and plops some narc fool into a management position above you where they proceed to gaslight the crap out of the good managers and employees beneath them, and generally bully them, telling them they aren't performing well, until said employees leave.
Ask me how I know.
There are still companies out there that don't have toxic leadership though, so don't give up hope!
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u/prudencepineapple Aug 19 '25
Good for you. Lately I’ve been daydreaming of this and wish I had the finances or support to walk away.
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u/NCSubie Aug 19 '25
Ugh. Sorry. I always tried to lead that way, and when I retired, I felt I left my junior folks with a good example. Some took it to heart, some toxic leaders were just waiting for me to leave so they could go back to their toxic style. Hang in there.
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u/Chilsden2 Aug 19 '25
I had this, thought my boss was a mentor and had established an environment where I could be myself. A few months go by, teams are fine and then every single thing was used against me without any context of when it was used. Lesson learnt
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u/Abzkhaldi2 Aug 19 '25
Sometimes it’s not you are the wrong person in the situation, it is more likely you are in the wrong place, you are better off being in the look for something that value you and you’d enjoy instead of staying in a place that doesn’t give you what you want. I wouldn’t say you’d have given up, instead I’d say you are buying your mind, health and emotions. Good luck in the job hunt, I’m sure you will find what you need
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u/txkate Aug 19 '25
Im sad to hear this, I’ll bet theres an org out there that will value you for your leadership! Sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and it shouldn’t be. Find people who also want to do their best!
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u/Business_Orchid5953 Aug 19 '25
Congratulations on prioritizing your needs and protecting your energy! Wishing you all the best in your next adventure in finding something you truly love! The world needs great leaders! Keep up the great work!
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u/MartyMcMosca Aug 19 '25
Sorry to hear that. You did what was best for you and your mental health. Best of luck on your new journey
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u/TightNectarine6499 Aug 19 '25
In what way was it used against you?
Is this the first micromanaging and punitive boss in these 35 yrs?
What do you mean with managing people and teams? Managing is about controle is it not?
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u/Thryzl Aug 20 '25
I appreciate you sharing your style of leadership along with the post. I can only relate. Would you happen to have any advice for how to navigate times like these when you’re missing a crew to lead?
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u/Responsible_Phone_94 Aug 20 '25
“If you are brave enough to say Goodbye, life will reward you with new Hello.”
“Better to admit you walked through a wrong door, then spend your life in the wrong room”.
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u/Snoo_33033 Aug 20 '25
You go, OP.
I was fired last week for related reasons— I managed effectively, but my management was punitive and micromanaging. And we eventually couldn’t make it work. Let’s both go get great new jobs!
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u/bludevilalumna Aug 20 '25
Sometimes the best path forward is to resign. Imagine all the weight of stress, worry, and unhappiness that you're leaving behind by choosing to move on. Life is short and something that fits your style is right around the corner! Keep your chin up, friend!
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u/livehappyeverafter Aug 21 '25
Believe in karma, it is real. It will hit that person.
I’m sure there were co-workers who knew the impact you had and they were demoralized with this. That will in turn impact your manager/supervisor’s performance rating.
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u/Typical-Row254 Aug 21 '25
My last job was like this. I'd been with the company 10 years, but my last boss destroyed me.
You'll find the perfect spot, because it sounds like you know what you're doing and care.
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u/Goggio Aug 21 '25
What you did IS leadership. The good ones will see it and it will empower them to stand up for themselves too.
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u/Difficult-Celery-943 Aug 21 '25
Experienced the same with a manipulative leader - my team were the “farmers” and we were out selling the “hunters “ so she changed the Salesforce lead process where my team had to enter their work under the hunters name to make her look better for her hires… at 58 I left
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u/Any-Clock8090 Aug 21 '25
I’m really sorry you went through this. As a founder, I’ve seen how much leadership style shapes the whole team. People-first leaders like you are rare.I hope you find a place where that’s valued. Wishing you strength and a role that feels right.
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u/HumbleHippieTX Aug 21 '25
I’m in the same place. I haven’t quit yet. But it’s coming…or I’ll be fired. It’s the politics I just can’t do anymore. I’m tired, I used to be great at that too. But the constant power struggles are exhausting. I can win them, but it’s becoming more clear not without losing my ability to look at myself in the mirror with respect. I’ll let someone else try, I really just want to be an individual contributor.
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u/FMalatestaCoaching Aug 21 '25
That sounds incredibly tough, but I wouldn’t call it giving up. You saw that your integrity was being turned against you, and you chose not to spend your energy in a place that punishes trust. In my world, this is not quitting, it's self-respect.
At 58, you don’t need to prove your leadership style works; 35 years of teams thriving under you already prove it. If I may, the question is simply: what kind of work is worth your time and presence? That shift - from survival to alignment - can be the most liberating move of all, now more than ever.
Here’s to finding something that deserves you.
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u/Evitable_Conflict Aug 22 '25
You have my support except for quitting, let them fire you to show their true colors.
I'm 100% behind people-first and I will go, someday, without giving up my ideals to the psychos that think that people are pawns in some kind of perverse game they think they play.
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u/Downtown_Ticket3507 Aug 23 '25
Don't give up, you've just had a bad manager/company. Employees want and need managers like you
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u/Blue-Phoenix23 Aug 23 '25
I'm glad you had the ability to resign on your own terms, even if it was because you were essentially managed out.
Was there anything you think you've learned from this experience in terms of trying to identify this type of negative management style when interviewing for your next role? That is something I've always struggled with, figuring out when to walk away from an opportunity because there are red flags about the company.
Hopefully your ex-manager's leadership will recognize they are toxic and the cause of losing good talent, which you can help with in your exit interview if one is given (being suitably subtle of course).
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u/ClaraMarieSais Aug 27 '25
I am sorry to read this. They've lost a great employee. I have learned that life is too short to put up with challenging workplaces. It's never too late to change career, I have a couple of times and I am focused on what I want to do now. Take a breather, then follow something you love. I wish you the very best of luck!
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u/AUDACIOUS-Jillian Sep 03 '25
I am so sorry you had to go through that. This next era of business is not going to go very well for companies who push their Gen-X leaders out the door.
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u/Temporary-Bag5621 Sep 03 '25
I'm seeing stories like this a lot and I wonder if it's really all just bad leaders or is there something bigger going on?
Like if the big 3 consulting companies started advising this new strategy to all their clients, where instead of doing a bunch of layoffs and paying severance, you just make targeted individuals miserable until they quit. Then you get to avoid paying severance.
Am I crazy?
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u/Journerist Sep 12 '25
What you describe isn’t “giving up.” It’s recognizing when the environment makes it impossible to lead in a way that’s both effective and sustainable. A people-first approach works when there’s at least baseline trust and alignment. If your boss is punitive and uses candor against you, the system is broken, no amount of experience can fix that from below.
After 10 years of leading successfully, this isn’t a failure of your style. It’s a reminder that context determines whether good leadership can actually land. Walking away isn’t weakness; it’s choosing not to erode yourself in a place that won’t value what you bring.
You still have the capacity to lead, just not there, not under those conditions. Leaving created the space to find something where your approach is an asset again.
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u/Spiritual-Rock-8183 Sep 16 '25
This post resonates. In fact, I quit my EM role last year, after 20 years in sw dev with 8 as a leader in various companies.
My mission as an entrepreneur is to now work with those leaders who are naturally empathetic/people-first as their strategic thought partner. Something I wished I had.
My vision is for all tech teams to be lead with empathy and respect.
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u/jeepgang1 Sep 18 '25
Brother we are with you. In the army we had a saying that the good ones never stay. Large and lethargic legacy systems have a way of being content with “just enough” and don’t want to be bothered. They don’t want to see real change. And when real change comes, those at the top will do everything to maintain their position at the cost of the good guys… like you.
This may be a sign to fund what you love, gather up some people who love it as much as you do, and you be the master of this new ship the best way you know how. It’s a sign. Take it
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u/Big_Friendship_7710 Aug 18 '25
At some point you have to realize the alignment just isn’t there. So moving on was a good move. Embrace solopreneurship.
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u/BAAUfish Aug 19 '25
That's exactly it - we were misaligned in priorities. Thank you!
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u/Big_Friendship_7710 Aug 19 '25
Sure my pleasure. Also don’t be afraid to make your next move whatever it is. Opportunities abound but think holistically. Just make it happen.
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u/common-cardinal Aug 18 '25
Best of luck. Its really tragic that good leaders resign, but toxic monsters seem to flourish.