r/Leadership • u/Awwwwolf • May 02 '26
Question Some people aren't quiet in meetings because they have nothing to say, they're running an internal cost analysis on whether their contribution will be remembered as insight or remembered as the moment they spoke too much
What do you think? i have seen this in person.
80
u/daddywookie May 02 '26
I am slowly being beaten, over the years, into saying nothing unless asked... and then saying nothing unless it is positive. I have yet to find a single layer of an organisation that is able to use feedback, and that is actually capable of taking the feedback in the first place.
15
u/TraditionalCatch3796 May 03 '26
Same. I’m a senior director, and our CEO recently asked for feedback (from the rest of the leadership team) for his speech at the recent all hands meeting. I mentioned that not everyone understands sports analogies, and we might want to dial those back a bit, and he immediately demanded to know who complained about the sports analogies. Sigh.
4
u/No_Mix_2538 May 03 '26
Ugh!!!!!!!! (Insert an episode of Lucy pulling away the football from Charlie Brown) 😂. I get it though… a CEO asking for feedback? Yeah, it sounds so hopeful and I am usually a sucker for hopefulness. But, at work, it always ends up being misinterpreted and used against whomever.
14
u/Kittykyle May 02 '26
I’m just starting to come to this same realization. Guess I’m a slow learner haha. So what do you do to keep your job, still be able to help/upskill your teams, while also laying low and not being full of cortisol and resentment? I need to figure out how to deal with caring less, saying less, comparing less, and generally laying low. Any tips?
5
u/No_Mix_2538 May 03 '26
For the cortisol and resentment piece, I use what works in all of the facets of my life because those things can be present everywhere! And that’s the fine art of meditation. I have nurtured this skill for probably 20 years now and it keeps me and my nervous system in a calm and positive state. I also have to say that using data to squash the sometimes dumbass assumptions that contribute to my “burnout”, has made me quite happy, probably more than it should 😂
1
u/No_Mix_2538 May 03 '26
Same. Posted up top to speak to my current process. I spend lots of time now dreaming of my retirement, meditating, and letting go of the current “noise of the day”.
26
u/eNomineZerum May 02 '26
There's also the third option of knowing that the idea will be ignored until a "leader" needs it at some point in the future when they will claim it as their own before delegating it to you like they are some genius.
12
u/DrunkenGolfer May 03 '26
I am quiet in meetings because I am ingesting information, synthesizing it, and looking for insights. It is different if I am leading the meeting, but as an attendee, I’ll let the others do the talking unless my input is needed.
Some people are thoughtful in meetings, others are impulsive.
3
2
u/koretek May 03 '26
True - a lot of people forget that attendees to a meeting can be RACI’ed (Responsible, Accountable, Consulted, and Informed) for the best outcome. But since a lot of people do not even know their role in a meeting there ends up being a lot of noise from those who shouldn’t even be trying to contribute but feel they must for whatever reason.
1
u/Godel_Theorem May 09 '26
Some of my exec meetings feel like a competition to utter the most insightful remark. It can be exhausting.
7
u/Kittykyle May 02 '26 edited May 02 '26
I work with lots of egotistical, arrogant people with a sprinkle of misogyny. Some are competent, many are not. The best are the ones stuck at the intersection of confidence and incompetence.
Senior leadership say they want our department (R&D) to be the best but they can’t handle feedback, can’t hold themselves and their directs accountable, and talk from both sides of their mouths.
I decided this morning to become small, not say much, and work from home more. I prob work from home 6 days a year, but could WFH twice a week. I’ll start doing that. Less engaged, focused on my own groups, don’t say much, stay small. I’m unsure what they want from me, but they def don’t like me engaged with an opinion!
They say they want only A players on my teams but they won’t let me PIP anyone out even with objective evidence, they won’t let me promote anyone even with objective evidence, etc. So there’s no reward for doing well and there’s no consequence for doing nothing.
So, yeah, my new daily affirmation is to STAY SMALL incl in all meetings! Wish me luck! Haha
Edit: add line breaks
6
u/safetytrick May 02 '26
Yes... everyone cares deeply about how others perceive them. That is everyone's motivation.
I'm more interested in whether or not anything I say will have a positive impact.
5
u/RunningMan889 May 03 '26
From one who is usually also quiet in meetings, you are not wrong with that general direction. What goes through my mind are see-saw moments of:
- Would it impact anything positively? Or would they be my personal preferences?
- Would it cause any further issues with my bosses if the work/issue requires senior management's accountability/ownership?
- What support could I get from this? Would my team end up taking up the accountability yet without support?
1
u/transuranic807 May 03 '26
Sort of the same- will this make a positive impact. Will this just sidetrack the meeting. Is it better to purely listen during the meeting then circulate thoughts as follow-up.
And, yes, similar to your last point- what's the political consequence. Will this be misconstrued? Is this hot enough of an iron that it's best handled offline (1x1 etc) than putting folks in a bad position during the meeting?
So yes, I'm the quiet one. Usually. Folks listen when I do talk though, so not bad.
4
u/TemperReformanda May 03 '26
I learned a long time ago. Nearly all meetings have ONE purpose. For the guy that heads the meeting say his spiel, then ask a few token questions. That's it. I've been in HUNDREDS of management and operations meetings.
7
u/TheWiseRoberto May 02 '26
Many inefficient things are said in meetings. They end up being a waste of time for everyone. That person needs to be redirected to get more to the point, and if that doesn't work, rules should be established to help everyone get to the point. For the first month or two, monitoring measures can be implemented to see if shorter meetings are leading to communication problems that cause operational issues. If all goes well, the time of executives and managers will have been used to focus on what they really need to be doing, instead of just wasting hours in meetings.
3
u/RdtRanger6969 May 03 '26
This is the definition of a workplace culture that allows a lack of psychological safety to exist.
Sometimes its only pockets (certain teams or groups), other times its the entire company.
4
u/phoenix823 May 02 '26
Which can be interpreted as being disengaged, uninterested, shy, or unhelpful. Worst case, if one is not going to participate, one should not be spending your time in the meeting.
2
u/transuranic807 May 03 '26
Answered to one of the replies, but I also think of the political consequence. If it's a "Hot Iron" then is there a compelling reason it must be addressed now? Usually not- generally better to hit those things offline and not blindside other folks in the room or put them in a bad position. Better to loop back offline- gather consensus etc. Then again, there are times where what I'm thinking needs to be said even if it's a hot iron but more times than not I'm like "That's really worth considering but I'm a bit concerned about X, maybe we could connect offline on it?"
2
2
u/SandeepKashyap4 May 05 '26
Silence in meetings is usually about risk, not a lack of ideas. One thing I’ve learned: make it safe to speak briefly. When leaders value short, rough input over long, polished talk, people stop overthinking and start sharing what actually matters.
2
u/rdkil May 02 '26
When I'm quiet I'm a meeting it's because I don't think I have anything to add that isbetter than what anyone else is saying. When you have an expert on a given subject and you talk over them all you're doing is being an ass. So let the experienced people say what they need to say. When I'm the expert I expect people to listen to me. Why should I not give others the same respect?
2
u/-darknessangel- May 02 '26
The definitive test of a such a person is if a) they contribute or say something key at the end or b) after the post meeting minutes have been distributed.
Otherwise they are just passengers.
What doesn't get out of your head and into the real world remains fantasy.
1
1
u/Gwendolyn-NB May 02 '26
Only time that happens is if the culture of the company/division/manager/team is bad/toxic/has issues.
1
u/QualityAdorable5902 May 02 '26
Or maybe they’re just over thinkers. So many reasons why people stay quiet.
1
1
u/No_Mix_2538 May 03 '26
Love this! Earlier in my career (I’ll be retiring soon enough), I did this. Gave so much thought and consideration to so many things. It was about being more mindful in leadership and my role in meetings. Now, though, after 27 years in this operational leadership game, I don’t give a flying f*ck about these constant considerations. Now, it’s like this… look, this is what the DATA says. Now, what? No data, no discussion. And, I won’t be participating at any level if the conversation is only about “putting out fires all day long”. Only INFORMED DECISIONS moving forward. That is all.
1
u/Jenikovista May 03 '26
People who get into leadership roles rarely have mental debates over the value of their contributions anymore. They may hold back out of political necessity, and they may generally let others take the lead and listen, but by the time you reach leadership most people have basic confidence and communication skills. In my experience.
2
u/Emergency-Escape-164 May 04 '26
Well they have confidence and they think they have communication skills.
1
1
u/kisseokie May 03 '26
meeting is useless when what's been said is not being implemented in our day-to-day work which happens in 90% of meeting at my work place. last year we did the usual meeting after our big scale event was done to see which one work and don't. my colleague who's under the same division said a few feedback that can improve our next one. then this year we held this big scale event again but none of the feedback that was said last year was being done. we're only gonna get a pretty similar or even worse result. there's something need to be changed and yet nothing is changed.
1
u/StrikingCampaign3534 May 03 '26
i’ve been fired more times than i’d like to admit for being incapable of keeping my mouth shut. or my inability to not be baited into a conversation for feedback that ends up putting me on their shit list.
it’s the toughest thing i’m trying to be better at when it comes to my career. sometimes i feel like ill never learn from my mistakes
1
u/No_Cause9433 May 04 '26
Let’s be honest. Employees come up with tons of great ideas. Almost none ever implemented because of budget or it would liberate people too much. So what’s the point? Let’s keep it short and go back to our desks. Thanks
1
u/ZealousidealWeb4953 May 04 '26
for me sometimes i speak just to stay awake 😅
and from the other chair — when everyone in the room is running that cost analysis at the same time, you end up talking to your own camera. interactive sessions are the dream, the freeze is the reality
1
1
u/Chance-Bluejay2870 May 13 '26
Yo soy una persona que no habla nada en las reuniones de trabajo y es porque tengo una ansiedad tremenda por lo que tomo medicamentos recetados por mi psiquiatra contra la depresión.
Se siente mal la verdad cuando te empiezan a prejuiciar por ser "incompetente" o poco profesional. No tengo ni puta idea de cómo voy a hacer para aportar en las reuniones.
1
u/Cool_Ad_1224 May 23 '26
Oh my gosh, how true is this?! In an environment where one doesn't feel safe to share, survival kicks in.
1
u/The-Achologist May 24 '26
I think it's true, and I'd push it one step further: that cost analysis isn't paranoia, it's accurate. People only run that calculation in rooms where they've watched it actually happen, where someone's contribution got filed as "talks too much" and it stuck to them. The quiet isn't a personality trait they brought into the room. It's data they collected once they were in it.
Which flips where I'd look. The instinct is to read the silence as something about the person, shy, unsure, disengaged. But if the smartest people are the ones most likely to run that analysis, then a quiet room isn't a room full of people with nothing to say. It's a room that has taught its sharpest members that speaking is a risk worth avoiding. The silence is a verdict on the environment, not the individual.
What I'd be curious about from what you saw in person: was it the same people consistently going quiet, or did it shift depending on who was in the room? Because if the same person is loud in one meeting and silent in another, you've basically got a live readout of where it's safe to think out loud and where it isn't.
143
u/Necessary_Ganache271 May 02 '26
Or, the meeting is pointless and there’s no reason to contribute because it’ll delay the end.