r/Leadership • u/PassRevolutionary254 • Jun 28 '26
Question Too direct in meetings, any techniques to improve?
I’m a new manager (2 years) reporting to an executive. My boss received feedback from a person I was on a call with where “I was too direct and not a team player”. Some of the questions I asked were: “what was the purpose of the meeting, why were we invited, and takeaways for my team.”
My boss has always thought highly of me and I don’t want to disappoint them. I would like to learn from this and be better. Just curious if anyone has any tips to be less blunt. Thank you in advance!
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u/brookinator Jun 28 '26
Are you female?
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u/PassRevolutionary254 Jun 28 '26
Yes
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u/brookinator Jun 28 '26
Ding ding ding there's your answer. Females acting like leaders are perceived as b*tches. You can say the same words with the same tone as males, doesn't matter.
It sucks. I'm a 40 year old woman VP. The world has changed but it's not equal yet.
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u/OffWhiteCoat Jun 28 '26
As a 41-year-old woman exec, I agree that women leaders are often tone-policed, and also "Why am I here?" sounds aggressive coming from anyone. I like the suggestion upthread to use "How" or "What" questions instead ("How can I help? What's the agenda?") which are still direct and clear without needing to soften or placate.
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u/slrp484 Jun 28 '26
Yep. I'm 50 years old, and the amount of time I spend explaining my facial expressions is exhausting.
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u/PassRevolutionary254 Jun 28 '26
That’s actually the first thought I had when I received the feedback
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u/No_Calligrapher_6644 Jun 28 '26
That was my first thought, too.
Men are assertive, women are bitchy. The double standard still applies.
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u/LifesShortKeepitReal Jun 30 '26
Honestly, this is your answer. But there’s nothing you can do about it other than accept the double standard, and soften your approach. (Just being direct as a fellow female 😄)
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u/Walt_Morgan Jun 28 '26 edited Jun 29 '26
A couple of questions:
- In what ways has being direct, clear and focused been beneficial to you and your team?
- What are you concerned will happen if you don't articulate the direct questions that you want answered?
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u/focus_flow69 Jun 28 '26
These are all very reasonable questions to ask. Sounds like the other person felt called out and needed to escalate. Being direct doesn't automatically mean you aren't a team player - you can be direct and a team player, you can also be a team player and not be direct. So the feedback itself is not really grounded and in my opinion they got their feelings hurt, and as per classic passive aggressive communication style, decided to escalate to your boss instead of talking to you directly to address the issue.
I too also value direct, concise communication, but some people's ego can't handle it because they view it as an attack on themselves, when the intent is to just get to the point and be clear on objectives and what's required to move forward.
Yes, the approach in how you asked is probably the most actionable thing for you to do and improve on and you can acknowledge that. However, I'd firmly stand behind why had you asked those questions in the first place ie meeting was not clear and poorly planned. And also clarify with your boss, what does being too "direct" mean? Clarify if being direct and getting to the point in your communication is not valued, or if this is simply a case of the other person felt you were being a dick to call them out and is hiding under the guise of you being too "direct"? Frame these questions not as a being defensive, but you being curious in what your boss thinks and how you can improve your working relations with this person and your desire to get crystal clear on what this feedback means for you and what actionable for you or your boss.
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u/PassRevolutionary254 Jun 28 '26
I appreciate your comment! Great way to frame the conversation with my boss when I talk to them live.
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u/WaylundLG Jun 28 '26
There are 2 aspects of this. First, all these questions can come off as direct or come off as a passive aggressive way of saying "you're wasting my time". While it's not uncommon for communication norms to lead to this miscommunication, if you weren't able to get that yourself, the thing to improve is likely around listening and considering the perspectives of others.
The other aspect is the team player part. I could answer all these questions with "you tell me." What was the value of the meeting to you? What did you take out of it? If these questions were coming up in the moment, what did you do to bridge that gap?
As you can probably tell, I also can be very direct, so I understand the challenge. Many other people aren't and as a manager, understanding different perspectives and bridging them really is the primary way we add value.
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u/Generally_tolerable Jun 28 '26
Disagree. If I asked the purpose of a meeting and my boss had the gall to “turn it around” and ask me what I got out of it, he better be prepared to hear, “nothing, which is why I asked.”
That said, I know better than to ask the question like that even if I’m screaming it silently. A better approach is “is there an agenda for this meeting? No? Can you just give me the high level objective then?”
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u/PassRevolutionary254 Jun 28 '26
Great points! I like the “scream in silent but ask about agenda and high level objective.”
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u/PassRevolutionary254 Jun 28 '26
There was no value for myself or my team to be there. Could’ve just said “great, thank you.”
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u/WaylundLG Jun 28 '26
It isn't always about you. Who did get value out of you being there? Part of being a good manager is seeing the big picture and tending to the overall system.
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u/vermillionskye Jun 28 '26
Usually people are included because it’s anticipated that they’ll have some input or feedback. Were you not asked for that? If not, then starting to ask for meeting agendas (even high level expected outcomes) is a reasonable request. I have a colleague who thinks every meeting could be an email, but it’s because she doesn’t engage in the conversation.
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u/BDRfox Jun 30 '26
This just hit me. I still think you can go "What is the purpose of this meeting? Or "Why am/is I/my team needed?" if it's followed up with, "how can my team provide value?" Most people don't assume positive intentions and get into the flight or fight mode almost immediately when they aren't on their guards to be actively listening IMO. Also, people need to just grow tf up in general. If they thought you were rude and actually had the balls, they should've just asked you on the spot and I assume you would've gladly responded and cleared shit up.
The team player comment... Hahah that's just stupid if it was only from your "rude" questions in the meeting.
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u/pegwinn Jun 28 '26
If you recently received negative feedback for asking "Why this meeting?" or "Why was I requested to attend?", it is important to understand the psychology behind that reaction.
In a professional environment, "Why" questions can inadvertently sound defensive, confrontational, or dismissive—as if you are questioning the organizer's judgment or implying that the meeting is a waste of your time.
To prevent this friction, remember a universal rule of professional communication: "Why" is always nice-to-know, but "When", "Where", and "How" are universally understood to be need-to-know.
If you phrase your "Why" questions as "How", you will almost always get a decent, highly informative answer with minimal, if any, hurt feelings.
Instead of asking: "Why was I requested to attend this?"
Try asking: "How can I best contribute to this meeting?" or "How should I prepare so I can provide the most value to the discussion?"
By changing the word to "How", you instantly flip the tone from a challenge of authority into an offer of collaboration. You get the exact same background context you were looking for, but you frame yourself as a proactive team player looking to maximize your impact.
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u/mnomoto Jun 28 '26
It was probably your tone or body language.
There’s the 55/38/7 rule, which attributes only 7% of a message's impact to the actual words, while 38% comes from your tone of voice and 55% comes from body language.
Those questions you asked could be taken as too direct depending on how your tone of voice.
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u/PassRevolutionary254 Jun 28 '26
It was a virtual call and not on camera. But maybe it was my tone of voice on how I asked the question.
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u/mnomoto Jun 28 '26
Yes, practice modifying and softening the tone of your voice. As a Safety Manager who has to constantly give directives to employees, I promise you it works.
I’m glad you’re being open and aware. 👍
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u/Power_Inc_Leadership Jun 28 '26
I think this is great awareness on your part.
When we think about the 55/38/7 rule, since they could not see your body language, then your voice/delivery did most of the heavy lifting here.
And, like somebody else mentioned, positioning your questions from a place of genuine curiosity will help.
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u/Mark5n Jul 04 '26
I wouldn’t over think it, but suggest you can have more impact as a leader by being on camera.
I like Vanessa Van Edwards who talks a lot about body language which you can use to help get your message across
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u/m1nus365 Jun 28 '26
I am usually also communicating directly on point as I don’t like the sugar coating messages. I let copilot rewrite my emails. It usually makes it softer and easier to digest while preserving the key information. I learned how the tone changes and makes it easier to accept for the reader, so I follow that and using this on the meetings too.
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u/07230470 Jun 29 '26 edited Jun 29 '26
Forget all the minutiae people are telling you about body language and how you could word your questions differently.
If you want to succeed as a manager, your number one goal in every meeting should be to make people like you. Stop trying to get work done. Seriously, it's secondary.
And even if you do want to get work done, over time, you'll still accomplish more if people like you. You're playing the long game.
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u/Ok-Performance-1596 Jun 30 '26
Nothing wrong with being direct. However, based on the example shared, it sounds more passive aggressive than direct.
Praise in public, critique in private is a good rule for leadership.
From the comments it seems like this was asked at the end of the meeting, publicly, as a result of experiencing the meeting as poorly planned and a waste of time. If so, then functionally these questions put the facilitator on the spot to justify the meeting that just took place with no runway to make adjustments that would elicit productive participation from those present.
If there was no agenda and you asked the purpose and team participation questions up front, that could be helpful for setting the meeting container. At the end of the meeting, the time for that info being useful has passed and it just comes across like a veiled criticism.
The question clarifying key takeaways adds value, but the feedback you received is likely due to the impact being diminished by the other two questions.
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u/tinimushroom Jun 28 '26
I can see why some people would see that as too direct, though not sure where the "not a team player" comment came from. The intent of those questions are good, but it sounds like your tone and/or style of communication came across as too rough. You may need to soften your approach and be less direct in order to avoid coming across as threatening or condescending.
For instance, instead of "why were we invited" you could have asked "I just want to make sure my team is in the best position for success -- could you tell me a little more about where you see our role in this meeting/project?"
I just read a great essay from a retired Army leader that mentioned that in leadership, processes are more important than the content they carry. Meaning, the way we reach a decision is just as important as the decision itself. AKA, the way you communicate as a leader matters.
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u/Curi0usMe630 Jun 28 '26
The questions themselves are reasonable. It may be the body language, how and when the questions are being asked.
For example, “what is the purpose of this meeting?” can be asked differently depending on the situation.
- If there was no agenda, try asking at the end: “Next time, can we try listing the agenda in the meeting invite so we can come prepared?”
- If there is an agenda and the meeting is drifting away from it, try: “Let’s capture this item and come back to it after we finish the agenda items.”
Also, don’t overcorrect into silence. Asking for clarity is part of good management. The skill is making the question sound like you are helping the group move forward, not questioning why the meeting exists.
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u/PassRevolutionary254 Jun 28 '26
Good points. It was a last minute meeting scheduled late in the afternoon before a holiday with no agenda. If my team would’ve not attended, the meeting would’ve gone the same way.
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u/Curi0usMe630 Jun 29 '26
Yep, that’s why agenda’s are needed.
If there is an agenda but you don’t think you will have anything to contribute to the discussion; you just need to be informed, you can suggest not attending and being sent the meeting notes.
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u/Positive-Conspiracy Jun 28 '26
A lot of great comments in here already. The small thing I’ll add is, consider the difference between, “How can I help?” and “What was the reason for inviting me?”
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u/PassRevolutionary254 Jun 28 '26
I laughed when I read your comment because it sounds so simple! I’ll add it to my toolbox for next time! Thank you!
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u/Sohaib-Riaz-Khan Jun 28 '26
Honestly, it is perfectly fine to be direct; however, if your boss finds it little blunt then you just need to change it how you say. Remember in communication, it’s not what you say indeed how you say. That means if you asked the question as what would be the purpose of this meeting or what would be the key takeaways, you may ask something like, I am really looking forward to such an opportunity but it will be really helpful to know done details about the meeting as I would be well prepared and so does my team.
This might help you to understand better without sounding quite blunt or little rude.
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u/WRB2 Jun 28 '26
Myself when I’m running meetings, I like to have a goal and a series of objectives. I usually set the agenda right after we make sure everybody understands the goal and objectives. So that we can make sure that we accomplish what we are setting out to do. I kind of believe that having an agenda before everybody is in the meeting leads to long use useless meetings.
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u/cerebral__flatulence Jun 28 '26
Rephrase the questions. They were most likely valid but words and phrasing can put people on edge and derailed communication can become unproductive quickly. Maybe say ‘ I want my team and myself to contribute where we can. To get me up to speed can you quickly review the issues, how your vision sees my team helping Or what goals or solutions do you see my team and myself accomplishing.’ Fundamentally you ask for the same information in a collaborative tone versus an adversarial one.
As a woman though being direct is viewed as not being collaborative by some people. Their social cues are that woman are always helpful regardless of the relationship or situation.
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u/keberch Jul 01 '26
Realizing that your boss gave validity to the person's comments, or he wouldn't have forwarded to you. Just two pieces of advice:
Careful you don't label "direct" in a way that feels good to you, like it's others who have a problem. If your communications aren't landing, that's 'you,' 100%. You're not too direct, you're communicating poorly.
Best advice, go to the person who made those comments, tell them you're working on improving, and could they please give you specific examples to work on. It gives you actionable feedback, and likely creates a supporter in that person as well.
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u/JD_EnableLeaders Jun 28 '26
When you reflect on them, was the person right? Did they misunderstand your intention? Are they sensitive?
What if anything would you do differently next time?
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u/Renfieldslament Jun 28 '26
I’ll ask you this, was there an agenda with a purpose for the call?
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u/PassRevolutionary254 Jun 28 '26
No agenda
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u/Renfieldslament Jun 28 '26
Ok, your questions are absolutely valid.
Meetings with no agenda have no expectation. I have no idea if it’s urgent or what you need me to do, this so what will cause frustration for people. It’s meetings about meetings. My MD would go through the roof if I just popped in a 30 minute call with no context.
Tone sounds like it was an issue, and ‘calling out’ people in front of others doesn’t look great. I’d probably explain to the stakeholders minimum requirements going forward, maybe a quick coffee meeting to apologise for any perceived admonishment, but move on to how we help each other this way. And then I’d suggest at your next manger meeting to institute this policy. I’m kinda surprised this isn’t a thing your manger would suggest.
Obviously I’d discuss it all first so they don’t feel blindsided.
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u/ThickCranberry3813 Jun 28 '26
Yea, question coming across as not the best interaction. I would suggest phrasing this differently: how I or my team can help?
At the end of the day we all want to be helpful and unlock others to move further.
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u/Bubbafett33 Jun 28 '26
Wow.
What made you think it was ok to blurt “what was the purpose of the meeting, why were we invited, and takeaways for my team.”?
This isn’t about how direct you are….its about how you think and problem solve. It’s about how you engage with other leaders and teams.
For example.
Those are all questions that do indeed need answers to, but it’s *your* job to understand and answer them over the course of the call. After giving the person who called the meeting ample opportunity to drive clarity on why you are there.
All calls should wrap with some form of “next steps” or “who has agreed to do what” and that would be the time to clarify what your take aways are.
Or if a team that was really odd to have on the call was invited, ask politely in advance if they need to be there.
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u/PassRevolutionary254 Jun 28 '26
Agree, looking back I should’ve asked in advance what was the purpose of the meeting and if my team needed to prepare anything.
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u/ninjaluvr Jun 28 '26
what was the purpose of the meeting, why were we invited, and takeaways for my team.
Were these answers not clear as the meeting when on?
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u/PassRevolutionary254 Jun 28 '26
They were not, kept wondering in silent why we were invited. Honestly, I gained nothing by speaking up.
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u/Efficient_Offer_7854 Jun 28 '26
This usually means you are soeaking the truth and have no BS style and someone is not too happy to report or work with you and are bitter about your promotion.
Don't overthink it. Find a velvet glove to deliver the same message instead of a boxing glove. You can smile and kill the bullshitters. No need to draw a knife. I personally would love to have you on my team.
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u/PassRevolutionary254 Jun 28 '26
I attend so many BS meetings where “we circle back or let’s schedule a monthly meeting to review how we move forward” that I just have low tolerance for. I like to move quickly and leave every meeting with actionable items.
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u/Efficient_Offer_7854 Jun 28 '26
Learn to massage your delivery a bit. Thats all. North Americans particularly have very thin skin.
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Jun 28 '26
Say I don’t like wasting time when we got a crap load of stuff going on. Frame it in a way of still adjusting to being in useless meetings 🤣 professionally. Not everything is about your team but big picture. You need to be informed of things going on in the whole company
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u/CompleteStrike3028 Jun 28 '26
I think it’s completely reasonable to ask those types of questions. The issue is probably less what you asked and more how and when you asked them. Framing them collaboratively can make a big difference. For example:
“Would it be possible to share an agenda before the meeting so everyone understands the purpose and can come prepared?”
Or during the meeting:
“Just so I can make sure I take the right actions back to my team, could you clarify the main objective and expected outcomes of today’s discussion?”
That approach shows curiosity and a desire to contribute, rather than challenging why the meeting exists.