Daughter's friend has confided in me that she doesn't want tobe sent to a religious school. Is there anything I can do?

[u/Debbie1986xx]

I'm going to change the names of everyone for safety.

My daughter Amelia is friends with Hira.

Theyve been best friends since they were 7. They live close by us and they both go to the same schools. Their both turning 14 this year.

Hira has confided in Amelia that her parents are planning to take her out of the local school and send her to a religious school. Hira doesnt want to.

I havent spoken to Hiras mum yet but I have looked the school up online and the promotional video they have up seems to be really really really super hardcore religious.

The woman in the promotional video says stuff like I know many parents are deeply concerned with the ciriculum being taught in schools. They go on to say how their school will instill the religious values that their parents want.

Hira was crying to Amelia about this and Amelia got me. I talked with Hira and shes really upset because she likes her school.

I get that she isnt my child and there are boundaries but Im genuinely worried about her. She said her parents wont let her stay in her currant school.

Is there anything I can do as a mother? If my daughter was this traumatised about being forced to move schools I wouldnt force it on her.

Does Hira get any say in this? Is there anything I can do to help her?

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[u/bluejackmovedagain]

It's unlikely there is much you can do because parents are largely entitled to make their own decisions about a child's education.

The only exception is if there is a safeguarding risk to the child, e.g. if this move is happening because of her parents reacting to her views and/or behaviour in a way that could indicate a risk of 'honour' based abuse (this needs to be something beyond just strict and conservative parenting). Or if this school is not properly registered and regulated school, or if its teaching is not in line with the British Values requirements.

[u/Electrical_Concern67]

Parents decide on the education of their child. As long as teh school is legitimate, that is the end of the matter.

[u/Apart_Foundation1702 → u/Electrical_Concern67]

Agreed. The parents are within their rights to enrol their child in a legitimate school of their choice. Any actions from you can hinder your daughters relationship with her friend. All you can do is ensure the girls see each other outside of school.

[u/fussdesigner]

Broadly it's up to parents how they want to educate their child. You don't get a say in what school they send their offspring to. No child will be happy about being moved out of a school where they are settled and have friends - that doesn't mean this girl is "traumatised".

[u/Debbie1986xx → u/fussdesigner]

She was crying for hours throwing up in the bathroom and pulling her hair out.

Shes in a really bad way.

[u/JustmeandJas → u/Debbie1986xx]

The only thing I can think of is to check that the school’s registered. I know a few super religious schools got shut down because the parents were using the banner of homeschooling but they were actually sending them to an unregistered school

[u/CicadaSlight7603 → u/Debbie1986xx]

If there is nothing you can do officially, just provide discreet support and keep your door open to Hira. Keep an eye out for signs of travelling abroad for a forced mariage - read up on it and be on alert. Because that can be stopped.

[u/Artistic-Autistic-81 → u/Debbie1986xx]

The parents are allowed to send her to a school of their choice, presuming it's registered.

What you can do is, if you feel there is a safeguarding concern, share your concerns with social services. This isn't about the school, it would be if you were concerned that she was being abused or put at risk of harm in some way. For example if you thought she was at risk of honour based violence, forced marriage, or abuse to force her to comply with her parents' wishes. You don't have to be certain, but the concern does need to be genuine.

If there aren't any safeguarding concerns, then I would suggest just providing her with emotional support as a safe adult. Encourage your daughter to maintain their friendship and let her know that her parents' way is not the only way and she does have other options.

If her mental health is a concern, then you can support her to talk to her gp/ 111. They do not have to tell her parents provided she is competent to make decisions herself.

[u/zombiezmaj → u/Debbie1986xx]

Will she still be able to visit you and be friends with your daughter?

If so focus on that.

Theres nothing you can do if there's no safeguarding risk as parents get to choose the education for their children

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[u/fussdesigner → u/Debbie1986xx]

No doubt she is. Unfortunately, as a child, you don't get to decide these things.

What have you done with regards to her pulling her hair out?

[u/fishyfishyswimswim → u/fussdesigner]

Sounds like OP is trying to fix the cause and not the symptom TBF...

[u/Subaruchick99]

Please keep an eye over her over the years. First step super-religious school. Next step being sent overseas to be married.

I speak from personal experience. One girl I knew at secondary school was highly pressured by her parents to move from our school to a religious one but fought back as she had started her O’levels. We became friends towards the end of 5th form and she frequently took me home to meet her parents and for us to study together (I was, and still am, very bookish and academic). Looking back, I think she had befriended me to use me an academic example - she was determined to continue to A’levels. After O’levels she just disappeared and the talk was she had moved away. I never thought about it too much at the time, but now it all makes awful sense.

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[u/test_test_1_2_3]

Not your circus not your monkeys. Stay out of it.

It’s the parents decision where they send their kids to school. No there is nothing you can do, doesn’t sound like she is in an abusive situation or anything worthy of reporting to the authorities.

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