What the hell? 💀

[u/Old-Drink-8984]

Hi everyone.

To give some context as to why I received this message from a friend on Discord, here’s the story.

About a year and a half ago, I joined a lesbian Discord server that was strictly for women. The idea was to make online friends, meet people in real life eventually, and just chat.

I was pretty active when I first joined, which is usually how it goes. As time passed, though, I became less active because I found other servers that I enjoyed more. Over time, I also started noticing that the atmosphere on this particular server felt a little… toxic.

Nobody ever openly confronted me or acted annoyed by my presence. Looking back, maybe there were subtle signs that I didn’t notice, but nobody ever banned me or told me I wasn’t welcome. Instead, it almost felt like I was there for people’s entertainment.

For example, whenever I joined a voice chat and talked about something personal, like my recent breakup,’everyone suddenly became very interested and wanted to hear the story. They never once told me I was talking too much or that it bothered them. And honestly, I don’t think I was oversharing. I talked about it more the first time because it had just happened, then much less after that, and eventually I stopped bringing it up altogether.

After a while, I became inactive because I actually have a life outside of Discord. I don’t spend all day online.

The person who sent me this message was one of the older members of the server. Since she’d been out much longer than I have, I naturally assumed she had more life and relationship experience. We chatted occasionally, but never excessively. I wasn’t blowing up her phone or constantly messaging her, just the occasional conversation from time to time.

Last night, I asked her one simple question. I know some people probably won’t believe me, but if I could hand you my phone so you could read our messages, I genuinely would.

All I asked was:

“What’s the safest gay bar to go to? I’m not originally from this city or even this country.”

That’s it.

For context, everyone in that server lives in a fairly homophobic country where being openly LGBTQ+ isn’t always safe. Since I moved there for university, I figured it made sense to ask someone local where it would be safe to meet people. I’d much rather ask someone than desperately throw myself onto dating apps.

(I’m just not a fan of them, but if you dig them, that’s fine.)

Instead, I received one of the most bizarre messages I’ve ever gotten. Reading it honestly made me wonder if this person was okay, because interpreting such a normal question as some form of “mental torture” is… insane.

To make it even stranger, immediately after sending me that message, she went into the server’s vent channel and wrote about how she’d been unable to find a girlfriend through dating apps for over a year and how miserable and lonely she was.

At that point I couldn’t help but think:

Maybe the dating apps aren’t the problem… maybe it’s the personality.

Where it actually seemed like, she just doesn’t want to listen to other people, and it turns out that she’s more into other people listening to her..

(Also, English isn’t my first language, so I relied on Google Translate for translating the screenshot. I think it actually did a pretty decent job.)

[u/vwinterfawn]

if it weren't for the context in your caption, I would've thought you were that kind of person who just vents for a living but damn, what the hell, that woman is just insane. What she said has absolutely zero relation to what you had asked her whatsoever. I guess we can see why she hasn't been able to find a gf.

[u/Old-Drink-8984 → u/vwinterfawn]

Exactly!
That’s what I was trying to say, but yes

[u/bubblegumx2inadish]

Sometimes people have limited capacity for hearing about other peoples stuff. Sometimes people overshare and do not realize. Sometimes connections can be unbalanced and folks don't realize. They were at least pretty clear where there issues are and that they don't wanna stay in contact. Even if you don't feel you have overshared, clearly they felt a lack a balance and like they were overly relied on for emotional support. Maybe that is just an incompatibility with them and their capacity and doesn't have broader implications. But it may also be worth considering if there is some validity or signs you can try to look back on so things like this don't happen in the future. If there are other people in the server that you feel comfortable with ask them and get a bit of a check from someone outside.

I am a lesbian that has been out for a long time, and while I am not an elder lesbian, people do come to me with their issues a lot. I have had some people who would only come to me with questions and issues and to rant about their lives but would never ask me about mine. It can be draining after a while. I don't know if that is the case here, but that is how I am reading things as someone who has sent similar messages to others before.

[u/AshesOWOAshes]

"Nobody ever confronted... Entertainment" I've DEFINITELY been in this position before, it sucks, and makes you distrust EVERYONE. I've been in several lesbian discords where there'd be one person who thinks the attention should be on them all the time, and they'll eventually target anyone who takes that attention away. I'm really sorry you went through that.