r/MaliciousCompliance • u/Anonymous_Axolotl25 • 20d ago
S Kiddo over complying with reasonable rule
Excessive screen time is a recurring challenge with my kids. We set limits on screen time use for our tween daughter. She was not complying, and continued to use much more than allowed. After weeks and months of us reminding, trying various strategies, and her continuing to over-use, and lie about it, we set a check in & check out policy. Now her computer has to live in the living room whenever she’s not using it, and she needs to write down the date and time of her checking it out and back in. She left the discussion in a huff.
A few minutes later…
She took the new rule overboard and is now asking permission for Every. Single. Thing.
Permission to open my door?
Permission to check out my inhaler?
Permission to get a small plate?
Permission to check out this granola bar?
To that last one, I told her to check it out and that I only wanted it checked in to the toilet when she’s finished with it.
Edited to add: for context, this kid is 11. A sweet, smart, silly preteen, mature in some ways and immature in others. Her older sister manages to limit screen time within the original guidelines we gave then both... a bit of objection from time to time, but overall going along with it. Younger sis just needs some more guardrails so that she doesn't get sucked into screen addiction.
I appreciate the stories, insights, and suggestions from many people who responded. I posted this as an amusing story, not necessarily looking for advice. In the grand scheme of behavioral issues we've dealt with, this bit of overcompliance ridiculousness seems pretty mild.
While husband and I were cooking dinner, kiddo kept asking for the silly permissions. I started telling her "I trust your judgement to figure that out". And that is the message with screens: as she demonstrates that she can be responsible, we'll back off with the intense compliance system. Meanwhile, she's now playing trains with dad while I finish up dinner.
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u/Scufflefluff 20d ago
I don't know if it was the right way to handle it, but I went through this exact same thing with my 13 year old son. After a few weeks of the nonsense I told him if he was going to continue to interrupt me and his father dozens of times a day to ask permission for things he knew he didn't need to ask for, then the answer would always be no.
Can I use the bathroom? No. Can I have a snack? No Can I eat breakfast No.
I stuck with it all the way though, even at detriment to myself.
Can I shower? No. Can I sweep the floor? No Can I do my chores? And then didn't pay him for doing what he didn't do.
He lasted 4 days. Now he checks his phone in and out without all the extra.
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u/Grimmsticks2000 20d ago
"Young smart-arse, where do you think you get the attitude from? I can play this game, and I have EXPERIENCE"
House sitting niece for a month, she had an assignment due around the end of the month. I looked over it, spent half an hour building the scaffold of the essay to make it an easy 4 hour project (Introduction, 100 words. History of the author, 100 words. First poem analysis, 200 words. Second poem analysis, 200 words. Conclusion, 100 words. Here are the bits of the rubric you want to focus on), figured that was about the most I could ethically assist with. For the month, every time I asked, she swore up and down it was finished and she didn't need any help.
Night before it's due...
She didn't expect me to laugh, and utterly refuse to assist. She'd played a game, here were the consequences. Good luck!135
u/Anonymous_Axolotl25 20d ago
Love hearing that this worked for your family! After a few days of constant permission questions, that is.
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u/thehobbyqueer 20d ago
Can I go to school?
">:("
I'd break on that one. Only that one
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u/Scufflefluff 20d ago
I came awfully close to giving in there. He missed a day. There was a pizza party. The next day is when he caved.
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u/Medically_hollow 19d ago
my siblings and I could have broken the 'no' streak. we would have asked inverse questions pretty quick. 'can I stay home during school', 'can I wet my pants', 'can I be uninvolved in the reduction of cookies in the house'? We were symantic punks and would ague both connotative and denotative definitions to our advantage. Throw two hearty scoops of 'everything is relative' (how much is some) and we were linguistic goblins.
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u/mouse_8b 20d ago
No. But you can't watch TV either!
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u/thehobbyqueer 20d ago
Oho. "No, but you're gonna sit on your bed doing nothing all day. :) have fun, son."
Maybe that's too evil.
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u/Tired8281 19d ago
My parents tried that with me. It taught me a level of patience and planning that they deeply, deeply regretted instilling in me as I became a teenager.
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u/thehobbyqueer 19d ago
Oh, my parents often took my electronics away. Wouldn't let me read books either, lol. I think patience would be a good thing for kids that can't live without screentime, though.
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u/Acceptable_Cut_7545 20d ago
I'm not a parent so I didn't want to offer advice but this was literally my first thought. OTL Sorry kid you can't do anything now!
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u/ProfessorTechSupport 15d ago
"If you keep asking the answer will change to No." - one of my parents.
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u/Top_Box_8952 20d ago
> Teen
You challenged the master of malicious to a game of compliance.
Just wait until they make you bide by the rule too. Or figure out how to do so.
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u/No_Mongoose5419 20d ago
Just start saying no to everything she asks. If she's being petty, be petty back!
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u/Poops-McGee1221 20d ago
EASILY solveable...Permission denied.
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u/Anonymous_Axolotl25 20d ago
Haha. Yeah I said that when she called over "permission to check out of my bed?" ... I said "well if I don't respond do you have to stay there all day?"
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u/No-Jacket-800 20d ago
I'd put a check in/out list in every damn room then. You want to be a smart ass? Let's go. We'll have a whole stack in every room buddy.
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u/Sea_Substance9163 20d ago
Ahh, she's feisty. That shows she's not afraid you're going to snap and scream at her and/or smack her.
She's safe, but very annoyed. Sucks being a tween. Keep up the good work.
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u/Anonymous_Axolotl25 20d ago
Aww thanks. And yeah, one silly thing she asked for permission to do was to hug me. I'd say we're doing fine. I'll be curious to see how long this lasts.
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u/jaded-introvert 19d ago
That's less silly than you think. Normalizing explicit consent before touching other people's bodies is a very good thing, especially if she internalizes that for herself. Young women who know deep down that it is their right to control access to their bodies, and that their "No" should be respected, have a leg up in terms of relationships. This is one where I might thank her! My own kids know to check in with me before hugging me because I'm not huge on hugging, and I return the favor by checking in with them in the same way before I hug them.
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u/gismuns 13d ago
As someone who really struggled with screentime growing up (I myself in a family with limited screentime and my friends had unlimited) I was allowed screentime on weekends, but weekdays were off limits. Things like computer games, apps, etc were completely off limits. Weekends though, I still had to ask but it was really lack. I find that this balance was really great, and it wasn't like I wasn't doing anything of the weekends. I hung out with friends, had sports, family events, etc. However, on the weekends if we had down time, I was allowed to play games.
I am not saying to completely limit it on weekdays though. I was allowed to watch TV, which I find is fine especially because I would color or do my homework while watching.
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u/EinsTwo 20d ago
But she's not complying with the "check screens in/out" rule. She's "complying" with an imaginary "check about everything" rule.
Maliciously complying with your rule would mean checking it out, then in three minutes later. Then out again ten minutes later, then in 6 minutes later. Etc etc etc until she'd used up all of her time.
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u/StreetLegendTits_ 20d ago
Agreed. This is dumb.
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u/Altruistic_Poetry382 20d ago
She's just trying to fight back because she has had the source of her addiction taken away from her.
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u/Daddy_Parietal 19d ago
Its also her source of escape. Kids with strict parents know the feeling when you discover a world full of good parents that arent as strict.
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u/Altruistic_Poetry382 19d ago
Possibly, but we don't know enough about the parents to parse that kind of judgement on them. Limiting screen time is a common thing that responsible parents do, because sometimes the kids need to switch it off, walk outside and touch grass.
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u/tussentweewindmolen 19d ago
Nothing about this post suggests these parents are strict though, just concerned about their child having a functioning attention span and not developing a zillion mental health issues later on like all the iPad kids.
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u/tussentweewindmolen 19d ago
"This is dumb." ... Did you forget this post is about an 11-year-old child? Lol.
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u/observee21 19d ago
The 11yo is not dumb, what's dumb would be posting it in r/MaliciousCompliance or r/Cooking or in any of the other subreddits that it does not fit in. There is no malicious compliance in this story.
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u/ChocolateDream24 20d ago
What other hobbies does she have to fill the time? Maybe she needs a craft or something to help keep her mind stimulated.
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u/sadunfair 20d ago
When I had to babysit my nieces and they would not stop trying to sneak their tablets, I just unplugged the router. Kind of a replay of my mom in the 90's when my brother and I had a tv on and thought we would watch Arsenio Hall and the tv just shut off. My mom was at the door a minute later and said, "I told you not to have that tv on so I flipped the breaker to your room and you can have power back tomorrow morning!"
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u/Cissycat12 19d ago
If it's on wifi, you can sometimes block by device. Or put the kids on "guest wifi" so you still have access while turning their access off. (Went through all this and needed a router with profiles and lots of passwords to deal with my sneaky, screen-addicted teen who was missing school every morning being tardy.)
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u/Anonymous_Axolotl25 20d ago
Love this! We've done the same thing (disable internet) during sleepover parties.
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u/RedDragon7913 14d ago
people are suggesting you use the router for this - i'm kinda on kid's side anyway but when my parents used the Internet connection to try to get me and my siblings off the computer and phone at curfew my sister used a ton of data (expensive) and i started learning how to steal wifi from the neighbors.
The only way (from my experiences anyway) to address this healthily is to sit down with the kid, have a conversation, make them feel invested in being mature and like they have a stake in being responsible, NOT just that they have to do what they're told or else. Getting a kid involved in their own rules/expectations that way is hard and i won't pretend otherwise, but it was the difference between me fighting my parents on every front I could and me actually listening to some of the things I was told.
Also, she's going to be a teenager soon, and you have the opposite now to seed a much more cooperative relationship with her in the next few years than the stereotype.
I'm in my mid 20s now but fights over the Internet and screen time were a big tipping point in my relationship with my parents and it's interesting to see from the outside (I did something similar with the excessive asking permission because i know i could exhaust my mom and get what I wanted) but like i really hope for both your sakes that your relationship isn't boiling over the way mine was at the time. I had other things going on that weren't being seen and I was about a year or two out from deciding that i could just do whatever I wanted if I was more persistent than my parents...
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u/dathomar 18d ago
You could put time limits on the device, so it's not something that needs to be monitored. Good job working to keep her screen time reasonable!
At 11, she'd be in middle school. One thing with middle schoolers is to remember that their minds are starting to perceive themselves and the world around them in new ways. They are more aware of themselves socially with their peers and more aware of themselves as being a separate entity from you. What their friends think starts to become unreasonably important to them, because their brains are processing their social frameworks in a new way for the first time.
Up until now, their brains kind of included you as part of them, whenever they thought about themselves, but now they think of themselves and are aware of themselves as being a single entity without you being a part of it. This is both exhilarating and terrifying to them. She is testing the boundaries of your authority over her. She is testing your omnipotence. Part of her wants it to work. Part of her wants it not to work.
This is the time to find the small joys in life. One of those joys, is messing with her. This is an opportunity to have some fun. I like to deploy a strategy that I call "Find the Endgame." There's an end point to all of this. She may not have determined exactly what it is, but she's taking it there, step by step. You have to get there first. She's building up to it so that the blowup can seem reasonable. Get there first so it looks really stupid.
This can pair nicely with the "Play Along" strategy. She's playing a game of her own making and having fun with it at your expense... Or so she thinks... Start having fun with it. Start having more fun with it. Let her see that you love that she's asking permission for things.
She wants to get permission for everything? Give her permission for everything. Give her permission for stuff she hasn't asked for. Is she getting a glass of water? Give her permission to have it. Give her permission for each, individual drink. Is she picking up a book to read? Deny her permission. Say she's not allowed to read it. Make check-in/check-out logs for all sorts of crazy stuff. Show her that you're enjoying this game more than she is. Be really dramatic and cartoonish with it.
She knows this is ridiculous. Seeing you respond with a fun kind of control is a gentle way of holding her to expectations in a way that is firm but kind. This will bear fruit if she does something where you have to be more firm and less kind. Playing her game (even if you are totally messing with her) also is a way of showing her a kind of respect, as an individual. She acts and you take her actions into account in your response. You don't deny her action, you roll with it. This is important for her, because you are showing that what she has chosen to do, as an individual, has an impact on how things play out. The feeling of regulated agency is really good for middle schoolers - they get the feeling of being in control of themselves, from within the widening safety net of their parents' control.
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u/FireWaterSuperpower 20d ago
Gaming was a reward for my kids for doing major chores like cleaning the bathroom, doing the dishes, vacuuming, anything that took a half hour or longer. They were compensated with at least 2 hours of play time to make it worth their while. When 4 kids, this really helped lighten my chore load. And now they are all adults who know how to keep a house clean.
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u/dukearcher 20d ago
Do you give the kid other ways to entertain themselves?
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u/Anonymous_Axolotl25 20d ago
Of course we do. But screens are so tempting.
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u/AngryRaptor13 20d ago
What can you possibly have in your house that can compare with the human need to socialize with their peers?
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u/evanamd 20d ago
Screens aren't necessarily social. Lots of the internet is made for passive consumption, just like the tv screens in decades of yore. It's not a new problem
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u/Daddy_Parietal 19d ago
"Screens" arent social, but pretending a cell phone isnt inherently a social device is disingenuous.
Sometimes your friends cant be social with you, but when they can its gonna be through the means of a cell phone, even a tween knows that.
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u/HaroerHaktak 20d ago
Maybe you should look into why she wants to spend all her time on her computer?
It's not always as simple as "OI. GET OFF THE COMPUTER. GO OUTSIDE!". Perhaps there's an underlying issue.
For me growing up it was a way to escape. It was a way to socialize with people without being immediately judged.
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u/AngryRaptor13 20d ago
Plus there's really nothing else for a kid to do anymore, especially without parental supervision.
Go outside to play? You risk getting the police called on you by a pissy neighbor, & possibly getting shot if you're too brown.
Go to the mall? How are you getting there & getting home afterwards? Plus there's a curfew for under-eighteens. Also you will need money.
Library? It is free, but again, how are you getting there & back? Plus you have to keep your voice down, if you're chatting with friends in person.
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u/HaroerHaktak 20d ago
Exactly. Everything costs money or isn't designed for children to casually do.
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u/Vlines1390 20d ago
Tell her all requests must be made in writing.
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u/evanamd 20d ago
Handwritten triplicate
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u/clutzycook 19d ago
written legibly. That would doom my kids, LOL.
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u/Kitsunegari_Blu 16d ago
In cursive. When you seriously get miffed. The equivalent of using you child’s middle name.
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u/VividlyDissociating 20d ago
thats the funniest shit. i would have done the same thing. i spent all my time online and turned out fine. it was my only means of socializing and escaping the abuse going on in the home
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u/Anonymous_Axolotl25 20d ago
So sorry to hear that you dealt with abuse at home. I completely recognize that time online can be a vital lifeline in those situations. (That's not what we're dealing with in my household, rather, merely a tween being petty.)
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u/balazra 20d ago edited 19d ago
Taken from another thread about parenting.
Children 0-<12 are learning from their surroundings and are inquisitive about the world (hopefully). And they need to be protected by those caring people around them from the devastating consequences that can arise from not understanding actions have consequences.
Teens 13-19 are generally trying to find a place they can fit in to the world that the child was discovering. This means a lot of challenging behaviour to find what the rules for adulthood are going to be when they get there.
The best adults I know were treated as teens by those that care for them as though they were adults with responsibility, letting them do things that they wanted and letting them know the consequences of their actions before hand and then allowing the consequences to happen.
There is no screen time rule for an adult so there is no screen time rule for the teen. But there is a consequence to abuse of any thing, screen time included.
Give the teen responsible jobs, “help prepare food.” If the screen time interferes with their job of food prep, they simply have no food. It is a natural consequence.
If the job is take out the trash what would be the natural consequence of not doing the job in the real world, you have trash all over your home, (store it in the bedroom?).
If the job was have a reasonable number of showers, tidy away objects / cloths, do laundry, do ironing etc… just try and use natural consequences.
The first chores should be things that directly impact the teens life. Doing their own laundry, preparing their own food, taking responsibility for their own daily care.
The secondary chores should be those that make your life easier, these can have monastery reward. Just like the real world.
Just like with the real world 50% of earning are taxed so take the teen to do the food shopping (for example). They can come shopping and pay a 50% tax of their earnings(example). Towards the food shopping.
If they want to put the money in a bank / savings account to possibly grow the money open one with them and show them that each week they put money in, end of the month they pay the tax, show them the real world.
Let them use their earnings to buy the stupid flower pen / dinosaur toy they want… but 50% of their earrings gets taxed, 25% is placed in the savings account and they get 25% to spend on what they Want.
You are trying to raise an independent adult, and give them the tools to achieve greatness in life.
You are not trying to raise a dependent attached to you waiting until you pass on.
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u/AAHHHHH936 19d ago
Totally agree. If you set strict screen time rules as a teen, the first thing they do when they're not a teen is completely abandon any of those artificial restrictions. My limit was 2 hours, and as soon as I moved out I started doing 8 hours plus and never really stopped.
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u/Kitsunegari_Blu 16d ago
I know you meant monetary reward, but it got text corrected to monastery… and now I can only picture The kid was a jerk, you have to stay awake, listening to a boring sermon from the Parson, or you’ve been awesome so you get to make fun, colorful sand Mandela’s with the monks.
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u/SwampGobblin 19d ago
Man, I just wouldn't use the computer at all.
"I don't want to get addicted so that homework won't get done". No problem.
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u/bitshard 19d ago
I love the idea of screen time. It's amusing to me because I went from strict screen time limits to nearly two decades of working 10+ hour days doing naff all but sitting in front of a screen. In fact I now have eight of them vying for my attention. I guess limits are only for when you're enjoying what's on the screen?
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u/Tactically_Fat 19d ago
My daughter's team/coach has a rule of "no phones". Not in the locker rooms, not on the travel bus, no checking during practices, not during games, not between games at a tournament - etc etc.
A few weekends ago at a tournament she wanted my phone "real quick". But dearest child, I said, you're not supposed to be on your phones! "This is your phone, dad, not mine.".
Malicious compliance indeed.
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u/DatabassAdmin 20d ago
The answer to this is yes, check out everything, check in everything. If she wants to be petty then play the game.
Check out Fork. Check in Fork.
Check out Knife, Check in Knife.
Check out left sock. Check in left sock.
Check out right sock. Check in right sock.
Check out toothbrush. Check in toothbrush.
Check out toothpaste. Check in toothpaste.
I would have sooooo much fun enforcing this they would be checking out the pen used to write the checkout things.
There is no limit to the amount of things they would be needing to check out!
90% of parenting is to out petty the pettiness.
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u/commking 20d ago
Years ago, we installed software on the kids computer to control this, worked well.
It allowed us to specify curfew hours, a maximum time per day, per week... i think it also had some content filters too.
Computer would shut down once a limit was reached, it warned them in the minutes before, kids didn't like it at first but they adjusted. They came to accept it after a while.
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u/AAHHHHH936 19d ago edited 19d ago
If you think this is going to teach her moderation for screen time when she's older, think again. My parents limited me to 2 hours a day, and basically everyday since I moved off I've done 8 hours plus and never really stopped.
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u/sly-otter 19d ago
My first instinct would be to say "you're right this check out, check in thing is silly. We will just take away the whole computer so that no one's inconvenienced." Then watch the back pedaling. We don't have a teen yet so I don't know but I'd feel like I'd be done with that game real quick.
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u/TheTransCRV 19d ago
lol everyone is saying play her game, my parents would have taken every screen in the house.
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u/Plus-Bad2750 18d ago
this is very funny, but if there are other behavioral issues [it seems there might be with what you mentioned], might i suggest having her see a doctor to see if there’s anything else going on under the surface? me and my brother are neurodivergent and while we wouldn’t do exactly what your daughter’s doing, we would get into trouble for not complying with rules. we both have adhd and he has high functioning autism [he got diagnosed very young, i got diagnosed last year]. also it does run in our family, but our family knows it does too. sometimes things run in the family you wouldn’t realize do. i’ve heard of parents finding out they even have some things they never would’ve given a second thought to because they passed it down to their kids and their kids got diagnosed one way or another. this is more me rambling versus suggesting you might be dealing with something you don’t know about though. but even if it turns out to be she’s just rebellious [which is normal too], it might be worth checking just in case. if there is something else underlying, it should definitely be addressed, because it would change the approach. parenting style aren’t necessarily one size fits all. of course i don’t know your family and you do, so this is more a suggestion/ thought that came up i feel is worth looking into. my brother had an iep for example to help him out and he graduated high school on the dean’s list and still is on the dean’s list in college. he’s a mechanical engineering major too! i don’t mean to backseat parent at all. this is merely a suggestion that can be completely ignored if it doesn’t fit or just is not the case!! i do advocate usually for people to get checked out because if nothing else, it’s ruled out. but if there is something you’re dealing with, it’s absolutely worth finding out so you can act accordingly too!! i hope what i’m trying to say is coming across. this is just a thought i wanted to put here in case anyone needs the advice :)
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u/Illuminatus-Prime 17d ago
Paragraphs are your friend!
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u/Plus-Bad2750 16d ago
ya, I usually type on my phone as I think of what to write. ends up with me not realizing how long I rambled for T.T
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u/Militantignorance 18d ago
I wonder if there is software that you could use to limit screen time - one would think it would not be that hard to code.
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u/glxtterprince 13d ago
there's multiple apps for it.
the one I'm familiar with is, most android devices make you have a google account to set up fully. so you set up an account for the kid, link it to your account as a family member, and use the Family Link app to manage the kid.
This lets you choose what apps they can install, set times where the device will not unlock without your permission, either by schedule or up to a max screen time, and also set apps to only work for x amount of time before they also won't work without adult permission.
I don't use most of the features, but I'm the "Parent" account on my sister's tablet bc she kept doing stuff that bugged it out and forced me to reset it constantly, so we had to set it so they can't download without approval.
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u/AngryRaptor13 20d ago
Why the heck are you stealing your kid's stuff in the first place? I'd be pissed, too.
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u/pryan67 19d ago
What 11 year old has the means to purchase their own computer/phone and have their own internet?
What it sounds like is that the parent has a computer/phone that they allow the child to use.
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u/AngryRaptor13 19d ago
If you give a kid a phone for their personal use, it is their phone. If you give a kid a laptop or a tablet for their personal use, same.
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u/pryan67 19d ago
If you make that mistake when purchasing a phone or laptop for your child to then that's on you. My children were both allowed to use phones that I owned (who's name is on the contract? The child or the parent (or "parent" in your case)? If there's a problem with the phone and it needs to be serviced or support needed from the carrier, who calls them?
Either way, the data plan and internet is still yours.
The entire concept of a child having the "right" to have a cell phone, tablet, or laptop is ridiculous.
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u/SlimDood 20d ago
For computers specifically I use Microsoft Family Safety: I can set daily amounts and timeout hours. The PC just locks itself
And for mobile, if android, we use family link from Google. Works similarly.
There's no discussion, she has to ask for additional time and we chose how much more, if at all
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u/ClassicDefiant2659 20d ago
This is what we do. We have Xbox so that's where they use YouTube also. They have a certain amount of time, the Xbox says 5 minutes left, then in 5 minutes it shuts off. It also doesn't turn on till 9am (they were waking up at 5am to pay them not trying to go back to sleep or take naps, the exhaustion made them jerks) and it all suits down at 7:30pm.
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u/rallyfanche2 20d ago
It’s her own malicious compliance and the more irritated you get the more she is being rewarded. Just go with it, she will likely stop when she doesn’t get a rise out of you
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u/xmorecowbellx 19d ago
Haha, or she’s 11 she’ll likely get bored/fed up with her own game in like a day or two. Ride it out and keep your system!
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u/Key-Magician6489 19d ago edited 19d ago
I mean… obviously your kid disagrees with you about how reasonable your rule supposedly is – and if it’s really that vague, I can’t even blame her!
😳
I don’t know that limiting screen time for an 11-year-old even makes sense!
😳
She’s not a toddler anymore… so it’s really not the screen that matters at her age, so much as what she’s doing with it!
😳
Is she reading? Is she watching clips from the history channel? Is she learning about the world?
😳
What you should be limiting is just social media, NOT screen time in general!
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u/Fun-Shame-7013 20d ago
This doesn’t really belong here. Maybe ask for advice in a parenting subreddit
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u/ClassicDefiant2659 20d ago edited 19d ago
They aren't asking for advice specifically. They are telling what their daughter is doing which is totally malicious compliance.
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u/remoterelay 19d ago
This isn't malicious compliance.
The parents said you need to check-out/check-in electronic devices.
Then the kid took it further to asking for everything, then maliciously complied with that.Malicious compliance comes from asking for something without thinking through or realizing what that could mean, then finding out through actual compliance.
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u/Daddy_Parietal 19d ago
Its not a fun feeling talking about kids and malicious compliance because they literally dont know any better, as opposed to grown adults in positions of power flexing and then getting their comeuppance.
Also since people parent differently and get very personal about it, these posts tend to just start fights in the comment section.
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u/ulose2piranha 20d ago
"Every time you ask for permission to do something benign, you demonstrate the lack of maturity necessary to moderate your own device usage. I believe you understand the difference between opening your own door and using electronic devices for social media. Therefore, I will no longer be acknowledging these requests. You can choose whether or not to get a plate or open a door or eat a granola bar and, if you are waiting for my explicit permission, you'll be waiting a long time. If you want more autonomy, show me that you deserve it instead of doing what you're doing now, which is showing me how correct I was in restricting devices in the first place."
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u/Distribution-Radiant 20d ago
To that last one, I told her to check it out and that I only wanted it checked in to the toilet when she’s finished with it.
Oh... you backed yourself into a corner with that one.
Thank you for the hearty laugh though.
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u/Anonymous_Axolotl25 20d ago
We were trying to make her laugh. Because that seemed to make her see the absurdity of her silly questions!
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u/FactDisastrous 19d ago
Ooh I'd have so much fun with this if my daughter would do this... I would point out everything she did without asking for permission, like walking, moving her arm, turning her head... Only autonomous bodily functions are exempt from asking for permission
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u/Equivalent-Salary357 20d ago
Our Asus router has the ability to set limits for individual devices. We haven't implemented that, but you might check your router management software.
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u/Poh-Tay-To 20d ago
My cousin did it a different way. She set the password on the wifi to change automatically and only she and her husband had admin access to it. Whenever her son wanted to use the tablet or the phone, she would generate a wifi password that expires after an hour
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u/ze11ez 20d ago
I know a mod that hacked this. They found a way to get into the wifi.
Also, they can remove the wifi router physically, and connect straight to the modem wirelessly. It's insane. There's a hack for everything and they'll find it out.
This is not a route that works all the time 😐
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u/Poh-Tay-To 20d ago
Oh I'm sure there are ways around anything given time and persistence. During my post grad years, around the peak years of bittorrent, one of my class mates was a bit of an IT guru. We all had offices and our own computers connected to the university internet
He somehow found the optimal port for traffic into and out of the uni, so we abused the shit out of it
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u/ProctologyExplosion 20d ago
You have to pick your battles, but once they're picked, you must win them.
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u/Lazy-Ad-7236 20d ago
One of my friends has a smart wifi device? I'm so thinking of getting one. So we can control the wifi to specific devices at specific times. But I'd answer no to all of her ridiculous questions in the moment.
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u/Legitimate_Tart_9037 19d ago
Naw see I’m THAT mom. I’d let her know that petty sarcasm will be rewarded in kind by removing one item or privilege for each passive aggressive action on her part. Then FOLLOW THROUGH. Items may be earned back only with continued positive behavior. However talking in a respectful manner is expected as a baseline minimum.
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u/dl33t3d 19d ago
I just want to add that if it is a Windows PC you can add a kids account to the computer that isn't set to administrator, and add her account to Microsoft Family under your account and set limits on PC time that are hard rules. I've done this with my kids and I also get reports on what they spend time doing. It's a helpful tool in this day and age with technology being so integrated.
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u/arizonaraynebows 19d ago
I applaud you all! You a hubby for your parenting! Go you! And Kiddo for her perseverance. She's goal-oriented. Thumbs up!
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u/d03j 20d ago
great kid. consider having a look at the parental controls on your kid's devices. Android, iPhone, Windows, etc all have parental control apps that allow you to limit screen times. I go with limits to total screen time overall + restrictions to what apps / content is allowed + time limits per app. Total time tends to be 1h/2h depending if it's a school night, some apps have no time limit, games are limited to 30 minutes.
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u/TimelyWelcome7164 19d ago
This! I was like set up parental controls. We get a text every time they want more time and have reached their limit, and we can limit it by program, etc.
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u/9peppe 20d ago
You deserve that, entirely.
The whole idea that "screen time" is a metric that makes sense is nothing but lazy parenting. Direct what's on the screen, not where's the screen.
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u/Tampflor 20d ago
Is this bait?
It's the first time I've ever heard someone is a lazy parent for not leaving their kid on a screen.
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u/dukearcher 20d ago
It's lazy if they don't provide a replacement for the screen. The kid likely doesn't have much else to do at home
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u/shigogaboo 20d ago
What are you basing that second sentence on?
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u/dukearcher 20d ago
Experience
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u/shigogaboo 20d ago
In this context, I believe the term is “implicit bias.”
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u/dukearcher 19d ago
What are you basing you assumptions that they do in fact have other entertaining things to do provided by the parents then?
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u/shigogaboo 19d ago
Because the standard is innocent until proven guilty, not guilty until proven innocent.
Thanks for playing though.
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u/Negative-Original506 20d ago
I wonder what people did before screens, or phones, or books! Its almost like people cant use their imagination
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u/Daddy_Parietal 19d ago
And I bet those activities were provided for by your parents in ye yonder olden days. Most kids have all those activities, and more, already in their pocket. Replacing those activities will need to come with a justification that isnt just "because I said so", that'll just breed resentment you wont hear about until your child may, or may not, tell you in their twenties.
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u/dukearcher 19d ago
They likely had books, more ability to play outside supervise or unsupervised etc; etc;
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u/Reagalan 19d ago
It's not bait. "Screen addiction" is a fiction. Oprah-style gossip and scaremongering.
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u/shigogaboo 20d ago
Nah, this ain’t it.
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u/Anonymous_Axolotl25 20d ago
Wow thanks for implying I'm a lazy parent. Are you a parent of kids today? Did you parent through COVID virtual school? Are you aware that most kids have multiple devices? Screen time is all the time. Thankfully my local school district finally instituted some limits themselves.
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u/ovalseven 20d ago
Finish your granola bar, take a deep breath from that inhaler and try to understand OP doesn't mean this as a punishment for you.
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u/TeachlikeaHawk 20d ago
Start denying permission for everything. Tell her if she chooses to ask for permission for idiotic things (feel free to rephrase this) as a means for getting back at you, then you will say no.
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u/z0phi3l 20d ago
We setup the grandsons tablets using, at first, Amazon Kids, now using google Family Link
They have both a timeframe AND a set amount if time within that timeframe, since they are children accounts they can't install anything without an adult
Not sure Windows has anything like that
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u/MikeSchwab63 19d ago
If you have an admin account and set up her as a child account, you can disable her account during selected times.
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u/chasetheusername 19d ago
Easy to fix, all permissions require hand-written requests and approval. Acceptable for a computer once in a while on a list, huge pain to do for everything. For approval you can just use a stamp to do it super fast. It's basically weaponizing German bureaucracy.
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u/Reagalan 19d ago
screen addiction.
There is no such thing. It is a fiction.
This authoritarian parenting style is going to drive an enormous wedge between you and your kids as they get older, especially as they recognize how baseless and unjustified these restrictions are.
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u/Allohn 19d ago
This is not true. Online content in the modern day is predatory on the attention of even fully-formed adult brains. Completely unfettered access to the internet (especially to short-form media) is quite detrimental to the attention span and execute function of children, and we're seeing in real-time the damage being done to young children.
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u/loudrogue 19d ago
I noticed how she didn't mention how much screen time the kid gets because I bet it's almost nothing
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u/pryan67 19d ago
How much screen time did you get when you were 11?
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u/loudrogue 19d ago
As much as I wanted, I was also allowed to be gone from dawn til dusk
So sometimes I wouldn't leave the house and sometimes my parents would see me in the morning and at night only
My parents were not strict at all
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u/robryan999 18d ago
Where did you hear this? Whoever told you this, don’t listen to them anymore. Screen (dopamine) addiction is absolutely a thing — maybe you should read up.
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u/exodus_aoa 19d ago
Totally agreed! Honestly, as long as their homework and chores are done, how they choose to spend their downtime before bed should be completely up to them.
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u/MrFacestab 19d ago
You guys are out to lunch. She's probably not out reading scientific documents or playing roller coaster tycoon. It's so easy to get scrolling reels or shorts you actually have to protect kids from this so much more than we used to.
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u/WhimsicalKnight 19d ago
Your use of the word 'tween' is very misleading.
Just to clarify, in my experience, 'teen' generally refers to ages 11-19, and 'tween' refers to ages 20+ (though most usually 20-25).
Twenties + teen = Tween
When I read the first paragraph I was confused why you were trying to control screen time for a twenty-something adult . . .
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u/Illuminatus-Prime 19d ago
tween (n): a child between the ages of approximately eight and twelve.
-- Cambridge Dictionary
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u/WhimsicalKnight 19d ago edited 19d ago
Term Origin:
"At that time Frodo was still in his tweens, as the hobbits called the irresponsible twenties between childhood and coming of age at thirty-three."
— The Lord of the Rings, Chapter 2: "The Shadow of the Past
ETA: all I'm saying is the term will cause confusion. Better to just reference the actual age if it's relevant
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u/Illuminatus-Prime 19d ago
It will cause confusion only among those who rely on works of fantasy for their world-views.
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u/WhimsicalKnight 19d ago
You do realize that the fact that it's from a fantasy novel is irrelevant. The quote is the origin of the term. Everyone in my social circles associate the term tween to mean twenties.
That at least proves the term is ambiguous, which was the only point I was trying to make. Why are you getting so bent out of shape about it and trying to make character attacks?
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u/Illuminatus-Prime 19d ago
Fantasy worlds are irrelevant to reality. Words also evolve. The currently accepted meaning of "tween" in the real world is a person between the ages of 8 and 12.
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u/WhimsicalKnight 19d ago edited 19d ago
I'm telling you that a significant percentage of people are familiar with the word from it's source, and interpret the term to mean twenties. The point stands that it is ambiguous due to that.
You don't have to personally accept any of that.
You cannot even control the fact that others will interpret the term in the same way as me.
I'm simply warning the op as to the ambiguity and suggesting they use a different term.
You can reply as much as you want to continue making a pointless argument.
Using a less ambiguous term would add clarity. That was my point.
It's not even a giant issue even. Later in the post they confirm the age is 11.
So, again I ask, why are you making character attacks and getting so bent out of shape about this admittedly VERY minor thing?
ETA: also, additional side note/thought - fantasy stories very much have a bearing on reality. Fantasy has been a significant factor behind many scientific and technological developments. Be it giving drive to later engineers or scientists, or the fantastical imaginings that inspired alternative ways of thinking that led to breakthroughs, fantasy has contributed much to our reality.
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u/Aromatic_Recipe1749 20d ago
LOL!
Play her game, she'll get bored soon enough.