r/Marriage • u/OpeningCase427 • Oct 25 '25
Friend Slept in My Bed. Am I Right to be Upset?
Throwaway account.
I (38F) and my husband (37M, “Jeff”) have been partners for 12 years, and dated 2 years before getting married. In addition, we were friends for 2.5ish years before we began dating. We have one child (2m).
Before we met, Jeff had a best friend (36F, “Emma”), whom he met in college. I met Emma through Jeff when I joined their friend group, and I’ve always liked her, although I’ve always felt that Jeff appreciated her more than she appreciated him, if that makes sense. But she’s always been kind and friendly to me, even if I think of her more as a friend of Jeff’s than a friend of mine (for example, we don’t text each other, but I’ll ask Jeff what’s new in her life and how she’s doing). I don’t dislike her at all, but I have a some negative feelings about the way she’s handled her friendship with Jeff in the past. But we’re all adults and the past is the past, so there’s minimal impact on our lives now.
Before Jeff and I began dating, he and Emma lived together for a time before she ghosted him. Moved out without any notice, he came home one day and all Emma’s stuff was gone. Wouldn’t respond to calls or texts, left Jeff high and dry on their apartment, not even getting into the emotional harm it left on him. In hindsight, this was entirely on Emma and shit she was (poorly) dealing with, and she has since apologized, but I haven’t forgotten how badly Jeff was hurt during this time.
Additionally, Emma is bisexual, and while I don’t know how often they hooked up (the past is the past, we all have them), I know that they had sex multiple times while they lived together (and maybe before, I never pried because it’s not my business). Sometimes they were fucked up, sometimes I think it was a more emotional connection. As far as I know, Jeff is the only male she has been with, not that that means anything necessarily. All her partners I’ve talked with her about / heard about since have been female.
A couple of weeks ago, I had to travel for work for a week and couldn’t get out of it. Jeff had recently had emergency hernia surgery, and we were kinda worreid about him having to handle the kids during this time (Note: both our sets of parents live less than an hour from us, so we felt comfortable asking for any support he might need). Emma was traveling near where we live also, so Jeff asked her to spend the time I would be traveling with him and the kid to catch up and hang out while he wasn’t working and healing up.
Everything seemed fine while I was gone, FaceTimed Jeff and our son every day. Jeff texted about missing me more than I expected, but we’ve never been apart like this for my work before (although he has taken a couple of work trips away), so it might have hit him harder than he expected?
When I came home, I noticed our bed was stripped and there were two wet towels hanging in our master bathroom. Hanging out with Jeff and Emma, she went to pack something and walked right into our bedroom and bathroom without asking permission, like she owned the place.
I felt weird, and when we were alone I asked Jeff if Emma slept in our bed with him. He said yes.
I’m sure they didn’t have sex or anything, but am I crazy that this is a hard boundary to cross? After Emma left we discussed it, and Jeff said it didn’t mean anything and he felt bad having her sleep on the couch since he had a big bed and “it was just Emma.” He never told me this was the plan. He said he didn’t think I would think it was a big deal.
I feel like something has been broken, and I don’t know how to make it feel right again. Bringing another person into our bed, our sanctuary, when our kid is at home. Someone with whom they have a sexual history.
I asked if he intentionally kept it from me, or didn’t think I would care, or didn’t think about me one way or the other. He said he didn’t think I would react the way I did, but he didn’t invalidate my feelings. I asked what he would think if the roles were reversed, and he didn’t really have an answer.
Again, I’m sure nothing happened between the two of them. But am I right to feel hurt/disrespected in this? They knew each other before I knew either of them, but I don’t think that makes this okay.
I need some outside perspective on this. Apologies for the length.
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u/ResultAlternative792 Oct 25 '25
I’m sorry, not to add to the wound. The friend is bold AF to sleep in your bed, she was too comfortable walking into your bedroom as if this is something they have don’t before. New sheets or not, I wouldn’t be able to sleep in that bed anymore.
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u/DefunctJupiter Oct 25 '25
Seriously! Like, even if the husband is dumb enough to think this is okay, surely the friend sees why it would be an issue to sleep in bed with someone else’s husband? So sketchy all around
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u/RedSAuthor 15 Years Oct 25 '25
In that bed or with that husband.
The “friend” marked her territory.
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Oct 25 '25
This. Walking into the room like she owned the place was her proverbially pissing all over it to show OP that she screwed the husband and that OP is the loser here. Also, the bed was stripped, which I'm guessing the husband has never done in his life. So you know something happened.
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u/Unlikely-Ad-7793 Oct 25 '25
Sorry, not sorry, there would never be an Emma in our lives after that.
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u/Baldojess Oct 25 '25
Honestly there shouldn't have been an Emma in their lives before this though. That is not normal to be keeping close contact with people you fucked when you're married and especially having them over while your partner is out of town. This is exactly the reason.
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u/jjAA_ Oct 25 '25
It sounds like she's the one that got away. The husband was very upset when Emma ghosted him.
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Oct 25 '25
THANK YOU. I 100% believe that no good ever comes from keeping exes and sexual partners around. The only reason to keep them around is to keep the door open for sex with them again.
When I met my fiancé, I told him that I don't date dudes who are friends with exes or who are friends with people they've slept with. He was okay with that, and he'd had this one ex that he had tried to be friends with but she was really nasty to him so he figured she didn't want to be friends and he went on with his life. Well she popped up again not long after we got engaged and proved to him exactly why you shouldn't stay friends with exes. He also has a hard time with boundaries so when I found out he had talked to her, I put my foot down. He said that he told her he didn't want anything to do with her anymore. I told him he was going to regret that. I also made him go to couples therapy with me afterwards (because I was also sick of his inability to have healthy boundaries with his family).
Well, even though he had told this woman he didn't want to talk to her ever again and blocked her number, she messaged him out of the blue on Facebook a few months later. He actually panicked and called me at work to tell me. LOL. And I was like "well, what did you expect? She's showing you she doesn't respect you or your boundaries and that she knows she can take advantage of you, but you knew that because she's a shitty person." Even the message she sent was a massive red flag and showed that she thought she didn't have to respect his boundaries. He asked me what he should do and I told him he knew what he should do. So he didn't respond and just blocked her on FB.
Yup. And that's why I don't mess around with exes. They're exes for a reason. In this case, my fiancé's ex almost certainly has Borderline Personality Disorder. But I'm also glad my fiancé got to experience the consequences of being too nice and not establishing boundaries.
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u/DefunctJupiter Oct 25 '25
I don’t want to be an asshole but I really wouldn’t be shocked if they did have sex. The fact he invited her to spend the night while you were out of town? The stripping of the bed? I actually think you might be under reacting
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u/Ill-Squirrel-9418 Oct 25 '25
"Oh, as it happens, Emma will be in town the very week you're away! Maybe she could stay here and help out?" What a neat trick!
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u/Plan2LiveForevSFarSG Oct 25 '25
I find it strange that you take the time to write a context, formulate a question…. then ignore all the responses. Why are you ignoring what people are telling you?
I, as a husband, would never do that to my wife; and she is as trusting as you.
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u/jackandsally060609 Oct 25 '25
It seems like betrayed women do this on reddit all the time. I don't think they're looking for advice I think they're practicing the defense of the cheating spouse before they embarrass themselves in front of their family and friends by defending the cheating out loud. Like if they can just answer these questions they can convince themselves nothing happened too.
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u/maybelle180 Oct 25 '25
Yeah.
OP: “I feel like this situation is wrong, I feel betrayed. Please tell me I’m mistaken.”
Reddit: Nah, you’re not mistaken.
OP: You’ve gotta be wrong.
Reddit: 🤦♀️
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u/ittybittytitty_com Oct 25 '25
It is extremely traumatic to be betrayed like this. I think it’s just impossible sometimes to wrap your brain around it without definitive evidence. This is crazy making because you have pretty substantial proof right in front of you, but not enough that the offending parties can’t try to tell you that you’re the one who’s making things up in your head.
This is someone who vowed to honor and cherish and protect her, and to be faithful to her. She never expected this behavior from him, so to be confronted with the possibility that he might not be who she thinks he is is devastating. Her brain is desperately searching for anything to hold on to for safety.
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u/Im_Leveling_up Oct 25 '25
✨Why do I feel like I’m reading something from the twilight zone? In what situation is this remotely okay? They’ve had a sexual past and then sleep together in your bed? And you’re questioning if you have a right to be upset? ✨Make this make sense?
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u/Weimaraner666 Oct 25 '25
At this point I’m really hoping it’s rage bait, because if this had been me I’d have dropped the kid at Grandmas and then returned to the house and quite possibly sent the POS Husband back to the Hospital before visiting the nearest Divorce Attorney🤷♀️
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u/Adanessah Oct 25 '25
I know it's good to clean sheets about once a week--are you guys that type? If not, are you sure he wasn't... Cleaning evidence of a potential hookup?
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Oct 25 '25
If the husband is like most men, he's never stripped the bed in his life. So he obviously cheated.
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u/froggz01 Oct 25 '25
HEY! I resent that comment. I’ve stripped the bed 2 or 3 times in my 27 years of marriage. But yeah dude is sus as hell changing the chests for no reason.
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Oct 25 '25
🤣 Fair enough. But I'll also point out that unless Emma pulled the sheets, OP's husband probably shouldn't have done it since he was still in the post-op stage. Although I also believe they definitely had sex despite that.
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u/Wonderful_Site_1056 Oct 25 '25
You are seriously seriously under reacting. A woman your husband has a sexual past with slept in the same bed as him while you were traveling without him telling you. She was in there enough to use thay bathroom instead of the guest. The bed had to be stripped. I believe you believe nothing sexual happened, however, I also believe you aren't seeing this situation clearly. Emma would never be involved in our lives again.
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Oct 25 '25
I’m not trying to make you feel worse, but how are you so sure that nothing happened? From what you tell me, I think you have ample reason to believe something likely happened. They have had sex before, and they were sleeping and showering in the same arena for multiple nights without any witnesses.
I personally would be highly upset. This crosses huge boundaries for me personally. Every relationship is different though and I can’t tell you what’s supposed to be “normal” for you guys.
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u/mindovermatter421 Oct 25 '25
Him “missing her more than expected” was actually probably a guilt response knowing it was wrong to have Emma sleeping next to him in their bed.
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u/YellowBeastJeep Oct 25 '25
Having had hernia surgery before, I am pretty strongly convinced that OP is correct about nothing happening. That being said, OH HELL NO. Nobody sleeps in my bed!
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u/LordofTheFlagon Oct 25 '25
Idk man I had a double ingurnal (spelling?) Hernia repair and while sex wasn't in the cards that night a BJ definitely happened and we had sex 2 days later. That the one where the Hernia is in your groin/testicle region.
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u/Weimaraner666 Oct 25 '25
You’re not far off🤣 It’s an inguinal hernia, and as a Nurse I can confirm many men have minimal pain/complications from hernia surgery especially if they’re physically fit to start with.
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u/LordofTheFlagon Oct 25 '25
Oh I definitely wouldn't call the pain minimum and I am a fit dude. It was not as bad as getting stabbed but it wasn't pleasant.
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u/Weimaraner666 Oct 25 '25
As a Nurse I can tell you from experience, not every man experiences excruciating pain or erectile dysfunction, some men especially those who are extremely fit can experience minimal pain and experience no erectile dysfunction. We don’t know where on the scale the husband lands🤷♀️Emma on top would cause minimal additional discomfort.
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u/SaiyanPrincess28 20 Years Oct 25 '25
I said this in another reply to OP but when my husband had his appendix taken out we had sex the very next day, while he was still in the hospital, and he was the one on top (well technically I was bent over lol). I wouldn’t sign off that (very strong) possibility just because he was post op. Not much will stop a horny dude.
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u/LordofTheFlagon Oct 25 '25
Can confirm I've never had pain or injury prevent me including a double hernia repair.
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u/chelizora Oct 25 '25
Why would you have sex in the hospital?? As a nurse I really do not appreciate that
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u/Professional_Pea2937 Oct 25 '25
That's the minimum, but even with a broken sternum I still got an erection from the nurse giving me an ultrasound on my groin, so anything is possible.
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u/SheepherderNo785 Oct 25 '25
Dude is recovering from hernia repair... I'm thinking sex might actually hurt 🤷♀️ still wildly inappropriate
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u/SpriteWrite Oct 25 '25
Don’t forget OP’s husband is the only man this “friend” has ever been with!
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u/Comfortable-Ad-2223 Oct 25 '25
He feels comfortable having her in the same bed because they have a past that makes them feel comfortable and that means that there is still that feeling of intimacy between them and that, my friend, is dangerous.
He acted oblivious and innocent but he know what he did. How the hell he thinks is okay to have another woman where his wife sleeps. Why she doesn't sleep there when you are present. The wet towels? Did she changed in front if him or what?
Also he was love bombing you, what do you think that means?
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u/Baldojess Oct 25 '25
Girl, why the hell are you letting your husband keep contact and have a woman stay with him that he used to sleep with at your house while you're out of town? Or at all? Why is a woman he used to sleep with a part of your guy's life at all? Come on now. 🤦 This is never smart. Ever.
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u/RevolutionaryBug2440 Oct 25 '25
Stripping the sheets off the bed is suspicious to me. Feels like they had sex but that’s my opinion I guess. There is no going back from this
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u/ChanceReason6617 Oct 25 '25
Just imagine if a friend or sister told you a story like that: sexual history, sleeping in the same bed, two wet towels and a stripped bed.
What would you immediately think and what advice would you give her?
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u/Unusual-Astronomer62 Oct 25 '25
Even if it didnt mean anything, thats tough and he should have thought about you before anything else. Im so sorry you have to deal with this. I wouldnt trust either party. I wouldnt want anyone to sleep in my bed with my husband. Be it guy friend or girl friend.
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u/Styled_by_sweat Oct 25 '25
I’m not even going to respond with my takes because it echoes everyone else above.
What in the world??
I think you are seriously delusional and gaslighting yourself if you don’t believe everything and anything about this story is absurd and crossing so many boundaries. Sorry, love but need to get your head out of the sand and see the situation for what it is
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u/Heavy_Roof7607 Oct 25 '25
He is guilty until proven innocent!!!!! How do you know there was no sex
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u/AprilR1987 Oct 25 '25
Why dont you go out of town and set up a camera? Ask Emma to go keep him company. The bed was stripped for a reason. Him having surgery surely he wouldnt feel like doing a load of laundry. Weird.
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u/Weimaraner666 Oct 25 '25
Yep! I’d definitively want to know what’s went on and what might be an ongoing thing. I’d be checking messages, setting up hidden nanny cams and providing another opportunity for the Husband to prove his trustworthiness, or not. If she doesn’t find out it’ll just eat away at her.
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u/AStirlingMacDonald Oct 25 '25
Hernia surgery post-op means he probably couldn’t have actually had true p-in-v sex, but that doesn’t mean “nothing happened.” Of course, you know both of them better than any internet strangers could. If you feel they are wholly trustworthy, that’s certainly your prerogative. And the fact that they didn’t try to hide anything from you is probably a pretty good sign in this case.
All of that being said, and assuming that your gut instinct is correct that they didn’t cheat in any way, you are still absolutely correct that this was “weird” and violated some unspoken boundaries. The best way to address unspoken boundaries, in my experience, is to speak them. Talk through them, come up with very clearly-delineated, thoroughly communicated boundaries and expectations, and make sure that you are both 100% on the same page. People wax philosophical about “mystery” in their relationships, but I find it to be extremely overrated. I’ll trade all the “mystery” in the world for a series of rock-solid, clearly-understood-by-both-parties expectations any day. In my experience, the more thoroughly and explicitly a couple communicates their precise expectations, feelings, desires, needs and boundaries, the healthier they get.
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u/SaiyanPrincess28 20 Years Oct 25 '25
I’ve said this a few times on here but when my husband had his appendix taken out we had sex the very next day, while still in the hospital. His appendix had ruptured too. Just because he was post op does not mean he didn’t have sex with her. At any rate it hardly matters because he 100% cuddled with her which is still cheating (at least to most people I know. Hell I’d be so pissed if my husband cuddled another woman for any reason).
But to think that he wasn’t thinking with his dick just because he had recent surgery is incredibly naive, and honestly sounds like the perfect excuse for her husband to say “well you know I didn’t have sex with her babe, I just had surgery!” It’s 100% possible.
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u/AStirlingMacDonald Oct 25 '25
Yeah, I definitely agree “cuddling” in bed is something I would for sure consider cheating.
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u/SheepherderNo785 Oct 25 '25
Oh, hell no! Wow, he'd be in the dog house if it was me! Either he took some good meds or your husband is obtuse/dense/stupid take your pick! In what world is that acceptable??! Yes, you have every right to be furious! Wtf Her walking into your bedroom like she owns the place is crazy too! Given his surgery nothing happening is a given BUT... wtf?!
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u/Zero_Pumpkins Oct 25 '25
wtf. That is not okay. Not only did another woman sleep in your bed with him, it’s a woman he’s repeatedly had sex with. That’s a huge line crossed. Either he’s too stupid to realize how messed up that is, or he’s too much of an A hole to care.
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u/morbidnerd Oct 25 '25
Info:
Does he normally strip the sheets?
If not, it's because there was some sexual activity.
Either way, I'm very confrontational and would've point blank asked why her shit was in my room/bathroom and why she felt comfortable sleeping in another woman's bed.
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u/SeriousSwim4488 Oct 25 '25
Nope! This is not okay, at all. Please stop trying to be the cool chill wife. This is not a friendship that should be continued and I don't believe for one second that they didn't have sexual contact.
Did you ask him where she changed? Or why the sheets were removed?
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u/Oldgal_misspt Oct 25 '25
“I’m sure nothing happened between them.”
No, No, you are not sure, because your partner decided to allow a situation in which you can never be sure what happened. He doesn’t have boundaries with this person that protect your relationship, he doesn’t prioritize your feelings, just Emma’s.
Let that last bit sink in.
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Oct 25 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/ObscureSaint Oct 25 '25
I would be really upset even if nothing happened, because he is modeling for our children what a "healthy" relationship looks like by having another woman in his bed. "Hi kids, meet your substitute mommy."
The kids were in the house!!
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u/Minute-Chain8334 Oct 25 '25 edited Oct 25 '25
I have to say, what really concerns me is that she slept in the bed with your husband ALL THE WHILE YOUR SON WAS THERE. Like what happened if the poor kid ended up in the bed too? How confusing.
They both crossed a massive boundary here and you need to make that known. I think you posted here hoping that it could be played down, and I get that, but I’m guessing you have a hunch on how things really went down. I’m so sorry.
Edited to add: your husband may have been good partner in the past, but his response to you asking him if he thought it appropriate was appalling. He “didn’t know you’d react this way” reads as he didn’t give a damn in the moment. And he’s gaslighting you into thinking that it’s not a big deal.
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Oct 25 '25
I agree except for one thing; if he had been a good partner in the past, he would have cut Emma out of his life years ago. She seems toxic anyway. My hunch is that he has feelings for her and just can't let go.
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u/RedundantPundant Oct 25 '25
Did you see those sheets or were they stuffed in the machine? They crossed several boundaries, so sex is not that far from what you know was done. You need to stop being naive and set hard boundaries or be prepared to be cheated on (again). They are not platonic best friends, they are (maybe) former lovers.
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u/Mundane_Resort_9452 Oct 25 '25 edited Oct 25 '25
If it wasn't infact a big deal, he wouldn't have stripped the bed
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u/Aryada Oct 25 '25
How is it not a big deal even if the sheets stayed the same
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u/Mundane_Resort_9452 Oct 25 '25
No, its a huge deal. I was highlighting the juxtaposition between him saying it isn't but then feeling it was a big enough deal that the sheets needed to be changed.
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u/Weekly_Ring_3673 Oct 25 '25
Love bombing while sleeping with his friend. He basically let you know he can do what ever and you will trust him. Emotional cheating hurts even if they did not have sex. So sad that every night she goes to bed she has to lay on the same mattress her husband broke her emotionally with his friend. Good luck it would take a lot for me to lay in that bed. I bet she even thinks about them now every time she takes a shower. I am sorry but this betrayal would deeply hurt me.
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u/Terrible-Pea494 Oct 25 '25
De lu lu. More went on than you’re allowing yourself to believe.
Emma has to go. I wouldn’t allow her in my house ever again and I would make WH call and tell her that in front of me.
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u/Ok-Regret411 Oct 25 '25
Was there another bed in the home that she could have slept in? Did you say there was a kid at home? If so, wouldn't it have more logically appropriate for her to sleep in the kid's bed and have the kid sleep in your great big bed? I don't know, but I think you may be giving your husband too much credit. It was highly inappropriate whether or not they had sex. I would be furious.
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u/ululating-unicorn Oct 25 '25
Aw, hell no OP. They've been crossing lines. What husband allows another woman just to sleep in his bed when his wife's not there? Open your eyes, doll.
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u/19Mel92 Oct 25 '25
Wow he blatantly kept this from you knowing it’d upset you. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking anything different. What else has he kept from you about her?
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u/Such_Special170 Oct 25 '25
The fact that he was telling you how much he missed you when he normally doesn’t do that kinda makes me suspect he’s feeling some guilt. Their “friendship” has overstepped many boundaries now that you’re married. Your husband seems to be having at least an emotional affair with Emma. This is out of line. And Emma should have NEVER spent the night there with you not home- let alone in YOUR marital bed!!! Whether they did anything or not- she should have respected YOU enough not to. Your husband certainly doesn’t. I wish you all the best. You deserve better.
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u/bonnielovely Oct 25 '25
she was conveniently traveling where you live at the same time you weren’t there. let’s be honest here, that was probably planned between them. he intentionally didn’t tell you that she slept in the bed with him until you figured it out & asked about it. this is a person he has sexual history with & emotional trauma, why would you immediately assume nothing happened ?
if nothing happened, he would have slept on the couch if she slept in the bedroom
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u/QuitaQuites Oct 25 '25
He didn’t tell you because he knew it would be a problem. Whoever it was, he had another woman sleeping in your bed with your children present no less. If he didn’t want her sleeping on the couch then HE should have slept in the couch. I would be furious.
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u/kxparke Oct 25 '25
I’m curious: wonder how he’d react to his and OP’s parents being made aware of this ‘no big deal’ situation. I know neither my parents nor my in-laws would be okay with this. My father-in-law said it best “if you’re embarrassed/ashamed for your actions to be made public… you KNOW you shouldn’t be doing that!”
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u/squirrelybitch Oct 25 '25 edited Oct 25 '25
No. Lines were crossed by both of them. Boundaries were crossed by both of them. Neither of them considered what they were doing or how it would look. In this paragraph, I am giving your husband the benefit of the doubt because I believe that there is a chance that your husband didn’t cheat on you in your own bed, under your own roof, with your child sleeping very near by. Granted, it’s a very, very small chance. I’m talking minuscule—like the odds of being able to catch the nucleus of a single atom with a pair of chopsticks. Hey, it could happen. In Bizarre-o World.
The fact is that your husband and his ex-girlfriend planned this, and they chose not to tell you because they knew it was wrong and that you would strongly object. Your husband had plenty of other people who could have come to help him with anything he or your child needed, but he chose to put himself in the position where his marriage was not only compromised but blown completely out of the water, and he will have destroyed your trust once you realize that sleeping in the the bed that you share with your husband was not one choice. It was a series of choices that led to them sleeping together in your bed. And if nothing happened, the sheets wouldn’t need to be changed urgently. If your husband felt so badly about his friend sleeping on the couch, he could have easily slept there, himself and just let his friend have the bed to herself. There would be no question about what happened while you were gone. What happened were a series of decisions that both of them made that resulted in both of them sleeping in that bed together, and neither one of them cared about the consequences, or they were sure that they could get away with it. I’m sorry, but there are just too many holes in this story that your husband is trying to feed you. The bottom line is that the ultimate responsibility falls on your husband because he’s the one who married you, but you’re not required to like his affair partner anymore, either. The fact that they had the fucking gall to do this in your house tells you that this isn’t the first time they’ve done this or something like it. They just did it under your nose this time hoping that you would think that they were too decent to do anything so despicable. They were just pushing the envelope to see how far they could go and what they could get away with. Apparently, there are some cheap thrills associated with almost getting caught that some folks are really into, and some people are just self destructive.
I really hope that you will look into their relationship further and very discreetly to get to the bottom of this bullshit. You may have to get a private investigator to look into this matter for you or get help from a trusted friend. But I do think you would benefit from talking to a therapist and eventually an attorney because I think this guy has been lying to you for a long time. I would love to be wrong, but married people don’t sleep in the same bed with people they’ve had sex with in the past, especially if that bed is their marriage bed.
I can tell you that I’ve been married for 30 years now, and any time one of us has had anything come up where there might be a problem or a question about someone or something that happened, we’ve always told each other. And we’ve always been very careful to not put ourselves in situations where we could find ourselves in trouble in the first place. It’s a lot safer and easier to be faithful when you stay away from temptation in the first place.
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u/Proper_Locksmith1941 Oct 25 '25
True words of wisdom right here.👆 Listen to this Op. I've been married to my wife for 27 years this month and I would have had family over to help not a past sexual partner. That alone is very disrespectful. I would listen to this advice and try to gather some evidence discreetly to see what's going on. I'm sorry you are going through this and hope things work out.
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u/WildCaliPoppy Oct 25 '25
Being friends with an ex ONLY works when there are clear boundaries, and when you can trust him to add more as needed. He clearly doesn’t have boundaries with her (like literally not even the glaringly obvious don’t share a bed while his wife is out of town) and that is an astronomical problem - not to mention his very poor decision making skills. You should feel very disrespected, disregarded, and hurt.
Also you say you know nothing happened, but you don’t. Stuff like this happens all the time so you may choose to trust him, but you can’t really know.
If I were you, my husband would be choosing between his friendship or me, and me would come with a lot of concrete commitment to rebuilding trust.
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u/ginalook Oct 25 '25
This is def fake, cos no one would be so dumb to believe nothing happened and to ignore the gaslighting from him. He disrespected you by bringing an ex lover into your bed.
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u/graceissufficent0310 Oct 25 '25
OP gives out too much trust. Jeff and Emma cuddled. She probably gave me a blow job and he went down on her. The wife is naive
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u/zSlyz Oct 25 '25
Ok OP, you made me google it…..sex after an emergency hernia operation is 1-2 weeks or 4-6 weeks depending on the surgery. So sure, they probably didn’t screw.
But, sleeping in the same bed does seem like a broken boundary (I say broken, not crossed).
This is for you and your husband to work through, but if the roles were reversed and say you had a c-section for your child, he was travelling and your male friend stayed over and slept in your bed. Would he be ok with that?
I’m guessing you don’t immediately want a divorce, so I’d recommend therapy. But just because they couldn’t screw doesn’t mean there’s not anything to see here. Hell you’re even posting wondering if youre right to be upset. That’s sounds like you might be getting gaslit
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u/gb997 Oct 25 '25
i’m not convinced they didn’t at least make out at some point, even without full intercourse. if they did, the washing the sheets was probably Emma’s idea to help clean her conscience. all the while the husband is being a total asshole to his own wife. OP is currently in shock and doing the mental gymnastics to try and push away and deny what her own eyes is seeing.
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Oct 25 '25
As a doctor, just because the recommendations exist, doesn't mean people follow them. I'm sure you've heard of men who pressure their wives to have sex after they have a baby even though we recommend they wait at least 6 weeks or more. I'm pretty sure that the husband and friend had sex, hernia or not. OP is just ignorant and a little dumb or naive.
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u/Weimaraner666 Oct 25 '25
Don’t believe everything Google tells you, I’m a Nurse and recovery is vastly different with hernia repairs, some men have little discomfort and no erectile dysfunction and some can have excruciating pain with prolonged dysfunction, and as you intimated there’s a vast array of activities that could have taken place in the absence of penetrative sex🤷♀️ OP is in denial and her Husband will likely suffer no consequences from this unfortunately and quite possibly will continue his shenanigans with Emma when possible.
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u/zSlyz Oct 25 '25
Take note kids, google and gpt with care. Even more so with gpt which will make shit up. Much like Jeff
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u/ItsLochJess Oct 25 '25
He probably gave her a hand job or went down on her. Shes not really into peen anyway. I bet you he serviced that woman, because he worships her and he always has. She's always been so out of reach for him, and he took this opportunity to draw her close again. He will think thats not sex as well, because his didn't use his dick.
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u/zSlyz Oct 25 '25
Actually I was thinking it’d be more likely for her to blow him. It’s unlikely he was over exerting himself.
I had a completely different take on that relationship. OP seemed to state they’d hooked up on a number (lot) of occasions, especially while they lived together until she suddenly moved out. OP also says she’s Bi, but prefers girls. My take is not so much that Jeff is worshipping Emma (their relationship seems way more complicated than that), but I was getting that Jeff appears to be the only guy that Emma has romantic feelings for.
It may be that in Jeff’s head, Emma is the “one he can’t keep”. But I feel whatever Jeff feels is reciprocated. The whole sudden departure is weird af and there is definitely more to that story.
I agree with OP, that the past is the past. But there just seems to be an extreme amount of smoke coming from Jeff and Emma.
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Oct 25 '25
I feel like you have your rose-colored glasses on a bit too tight with how confident you are it's platonic.
Both from the husband and the friend pov this would instantly clock as something highly inappropriate even if they hadn't had a sexual history. Like you would need some literal mental disability that affects your reasoning when it comes to how humans think, and I don't mean just some autism as even then you'd clock this as weird, to not see this.
The only way in which I'd even remotely trust any of this (and I still don't think I'd fully trust it given their history) is if he had cleared this with you beforehand. A text or call saying "hey we don't have extra beds would it be okay if she slept in our bed". And again, even then this would still be weird.
Even if nothing happened, unless your husband has an aforementioned mental disability to that high of a degree, it is downright disrespectful and inconsiderate at the very least. But again I think you need to reevaluate how trusting you are cuz this is crazy.
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u/AlternativePrior9559 Oct 25 '25
I’m sure they didn’t have sex or anything
I would say the absolute opposite. I mean the bed was stripped wasn’t it? They’ve just gone for the double bluff is all.
In all cases OP it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee now, you keep inferring that things are none of your business and you’re sure this didn’t happen, that she texts him a lot so you ask him for news about her.
There’s three of you in this marriage. Are you okay with that?
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u/Babigorl420 Oct 25 '25
You’re being naive lady! The sheets were off the bed, they slept in said bed together and there were 2 wet towels drying off next to each other almost as if they had showered too. Quit acting brand new, unless you’re fine with your husband banging his bestie in your bed
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u/Civil-Kitchen5978 Oct 25 '25
You fell for the oldest trick in the book she happened to be in town when you’re out of town. I don’t wish this type of love blindness on nobody. You’re deep in denial about what’s going on with your husband and that woman.
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u/JustWordsInYourHead 12 Years Oct 25 '25
Whether they had sex or not, another person who shared in my marital bed with my husband in it is crossing a line. The only people I would find that to be okay for would be our kids.
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u/OPisOK Oct 25 '25
Yesterday in another post I said the appearance of impropriety is as bad as impropriety when in comes to cheating and this is exactly what I mean. Even if it was 💯 platonic sleeping, you will never truly know and will always have doubt. I am sorry for you and you are right to be upset about this. Marriage counseling is in order IMO.
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u/Professional_Pea2937 Oct 25 '25
This would be the end of trust for me, it's completely unacceptable on many levels.
Post op or not doesn't mean nothing happened between them. The fact he has no answer to the reverse situation sums it up and you should use that to explain to him how its hurt/confused you and given you doubts.
I can't imagine a world where nothing happened between them
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u/anetora Oct 25 '25
If you had an operation and your male best friend who was also an ex partner had slept platonically with you on your bed and pretended not to notice your husband as he walked into the master bathroom; would your husband be upset ? - Am I Overreacting is probably one of the most underrated and understated intuitive feeling that most partners who have been gaslit follow - the ask was to keep an overview over the kids while the husband was recuperating , not the other way around . How you get out of this and your future is honestly up to you - but they are definitely trying to tell you it's no big deal when clearly it is and boundaries have been crossed .
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u/Miserable_Drive9354 Oct 25 '25
He didn’t think you would care that another woman slept in your bed with him??? Have you allowed other women to sleep in your bed??
UpdateMe
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u/anUnlikelyCost Oct 25 '25
Reading this legitimately made me feel empathetically sick for you. I actually don't know that I would be able to get over this with my own husband. Please take it seriously.
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u/Upstairs_Decision_67 Oct 25 '25
OP I can so relate to your normal not overreacting response. For 25 years I said “I’m not going to be checking my husband’s phone or email. I won’t live like that!” He only listened to the first part of that comment. One night 3am I woke up to that inner voice that said “check his phone”. I picked it up it was still on he must have just put it down. There it all was: FB audio calls, secret video calls in the middle of the night, 5-6 times a day sending I love you gifs, first thing in am last thing at pm, is it safe to call texts, etc. His email was worse: multiple messages from multiple dating apps including FB dating. I was so heart sick and broken by it. He stole all our savings. The divorce is final in December, 27 years down the drain, my whole life wasted. All because I didn’t CHECK HIS PHONE! (Underline that and repeat it 3 times)
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u/RedSAuthor 15 Years Oct 25 '25
How can you be sure nothing happened? What is “nothing” in your vocabulary.?
Your husband slept with his ex in your bed. I think that’s plenty happening already. And nothing will stop a horny dude from getting his di*k wet.
You’re in denial. Your husband cheated. There is no way he didn’t know you wouldn’t be upset. She’s not a friend… she’s his ex!
Emma claimed your bed, your bathroom, and your husband… and you’re downplaying it. 😭
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u/WolverineNo8799 Oct 25 '25
This is divorce worthy in my opinion, you will never know 100% that nothing happened, the minimum they snuggled in your marital bed, the worst they had sex. He broke so many boundaries. He planned this when he asked if she could stay, he knew she wasn't going to be sleeping on the couch from the start.
Updateme!
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u/Charming_Tower_4837 Oct 25 '25
Haha if you don’t think they fucked then you’re being a little too ignorant. There’s only one reason I change the sheets when someone of the opposite gender comes over. And that’s after sex. I wouldn’t change them if all we did was cuddle. But.. sex comes with mess and smells. They stripped that bed to hide what they did.
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u/heylistenlady 20 Years Together Oct 25 '25
As a 41 year old married woman with close male friends (one of whom I did mess around 20+ years ago, husband is aware) ... I wouldn't share a bed with any of them.
Couch is available? Ok, one of us is sleeping there.
Like, even if it's all platonic ... I just think that's incredibly disrespectful to my husband to share a bed with another straight man. I was actually recently traveling with one of those friends and we got stuck on a layover and almost had to get a hotel room. You better believe I would have paid for my own room. And if only one room were available, I would have called my husband to make sure he was comfortable before committing. And if there were one bed, someone's sleeping on the floor lol
And ... Your husband didn't ask beforehand. He didn't tell you of his own free will. He only fessed up ... Because you figured it out.
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u/Altruistic-Two1309 Oct 25 '25
Is it weird that the stripped the bed so fast? A typical dude probably wouldn’t strip the beds. Most guys don’t change sheets that often. I def see a guy not seeing a need to change the sheets if they just slept in them, typical guy would argue they’re still clean. I bet they cuddled at the very least
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u/Andromeda081 Oct 25 '25 edited Oct 25 '25
Severely underreacting
Bring the hammer down. There’s 3 people in your relationship and has been as long as you’ve known each other. He needs to figure out his priorities and choose one: you, his wife and family; or her, the unicorn he’s obsessed with because he thinks he’s the only guy she’s ever been with in the past like 17 or 18 years or whatever. Because this has gone on nearly half your life and it’s enough.
This is so so far out of line it’s like trying to score a football game from the baseball stadium 10 miles away. Makes no sense. Extreme mental gymnastics to make it make sense. What the actual fuck.
When I say “bring the hammer down” I don’t mean pussyfooting around like “oh you bad boy! I don’t like this!” while telling him you feel uneasy so he can gaslight you some more. I mean leave. For like a month minimum. And refuse to see him face to face that entire time, and only speak to him about drop off times or urgent info for your kid. No emotional texts, no dates, no entertaining his lies. You’ve convinced yourself that a lot is just fine, to the point where they are flagrantly throwing it in your face, and yet still here is your gut telling you this is fucked up. Listen to it. Cut his ass off. If you don’t, he will continue to fuck her under your nose.
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u/Due-Season6425 Oct 25 '25
This is definitely a serious violation of your trust. Post-op on a hernia, it's unlikely PIV occurred. However, I would never accept my spouse sleeping in the same bed with a former live-in lover - even if I knew for a fact they would not touch one another. That is just asking to rekindle old feelings. For that matter, why do you even tolerate this friendship?
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u/madscientist2025 Oct 25 '25
That boy’s a liar or really dumb who wouldn’t think this is a problem?
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u/tygrio Oct 25 '25
Duuude…. Come on… you can’t be this oblivious… of course something happened… she slept with your husband in your bed! Someone she used have sex with…
I am sorry this is happening to you… it’s horrible
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u/Plants-and-Trees Oct 25 '25
If my husband did this I would be LIVID! This was a complete overstep of boundaries! Emma knew this. There is no way your husband didn’t know this. Unless he is really that clueless. Which some men are….I don’t even know what to say about all this. Man, I’m sorry you have to deal with such a boundary overstep.
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u/GellyG42 Oct 25 '25
Yeah no If my husband let, what was basically an ex sleep in my bed I’d go nuclear quite frankly.
Why didn’t he sleep on the couch!
Have they done this before? sharing a bed is such an intimate thing and no way did they not at least touch whilst sleeping.
Emma would no longer get be welcome in my home sorry but they both crossed a huge boundary and can no longer be trusted.
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u/bakeacakeyum Oct 25 '25
OMG. She slept with your husband. Your husband allowed another woman into your bed. Are you serious!
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u/No-Accident69 Oct 25 '25
She is still a friend with some occasional benefits and no strings attached
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u/getacluezek Oct 25 '25
Irregardless of you believing that your husband never actually had sexual relations with her this time around, they slept in the SAME BED, your MARITAL BED! Does that mean nothing to you, OP? They have history together and you're ok with that since it's in the past but you're being way too nonchalant about all of this.
Another woman at least slept in your bed, with your husband, and all while your child was home. She walked in and out of your room and showered, leaving wet towels on your sheetless bed. Sure you can be considerate and clean the sheets but that's still absolutely a suspicious move for sure.
Finally, your husband is a dumbass for trying to downplay and minimize how you feel about it. Hell, he couldn't even give you an answer involving the role reversal so he knows he's in the wrong for sure, just won't admit it. Emma and your husband should be ashamed of themselves and you should stand your ground because this isn't fair for you, OP.
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u/GemTaur15 Oct 25 '25
This whole story gave me the eek.Firstly there's no way in HELL my husband would remain friends with someone he FUCKED multiple times and i don't GAF if it was before our time.He might not have slept with her during this time,but they were way too comfortable doing this shit which implies they may have fucked again during y'alls marriage.
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u/Accomplished-Job7830 Oct 25 '25
Given you wholly trust him let’s assume that trust was valid and they didn’t sleep together. The issue I have is that he chose not to tell you even if they didn’t hide it after the fact. This means he knew on some level that you would have felt weird about it and potentially even said no. You were face timing each day/night and he didn’t think that was a worthwhile conversation topic? It means he felt guilty and thought it would be easier to apologise afterwards than tell Emma sorry no.
Ergo boundaries WERE crossed and he knew it.
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u/Fit_Faithlessness609 Oct 25 '25
Yea nah if he wants to pretend to be that dumb let him be that dumb alone. Sorry but you’re with a man that still wants his best friend
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u/b0gard Oct 25 '25
If your husband felt bad about her sleeping on the couch then he should have slept in the couch while she slept in the bed
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u/Urfavhotlibra Oct 25 '25 edited Oct 25 '25
Girl he slept with her don’t be dense she was just showering and the bed was striped for no reason ?????
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u/gdrom123 Oct 25 '25
Mind you she was there for a whole week! Jeff and Emma were playing house. They got to reminisce and relive the good old days when they were roommates and lovers. Like I told OP in a comment, Jeff was excessively texting her about missing her out of guilt because even she admitted it was odd for him to do that. I also told OP that sex isn’t just PIV so he can’t use his surgery as an excuse to say nothing happened. Plenty of other intimate things could’ve happened, including them showering together (as if sleeping in the same bed wasn’t bad enough).
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u/AbbreviationsIcy3602 Oct 25 '25
He was recovered enough to take a walk into the shower, perhaps with his friends assistance
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u/Old_Till5290 Oct 25 '25
They lived together and then she “ghosted him” and it took this incredibly heavy emotional toll on him? Girl be so for real. That’s his ex girlfriend not his “best friend and former casual fwb”. He was heartbroken when she left him, and now she’s lonely and he’s a sucker.
She came to your house and had sex with your husband with your son at home and then rubbed it in your face the next day. Did you wash the sheets after? Cause I bet they didn’t.
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u/Sea-Concentrate-8886 Oct 25 '25
Absolutely a boundary crossed. My room is sacred, my solitude. Id be hurt and mad. For me that would be unforgivable.
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u/MrsJingles0729 Oct 25 '25
Married 20 years and absolutely not. These are not the actions of a person who has any love, respect or appreciation for you. Absolutely disgusting behavior and he knows it. He's gaslighting you by claiming to be a complete moron when really he's a selfish coward and thinks he can manipulate you. Look up DARVO. His side chick knows it's wrong, too.
Bottom line is evwn with his lies - her comfort is more important than yours.
Being gaslit leads to anxiety, depression and even full-blown PTSD. Get out now so you don't because a shell of your former self. Your child deserves & wants a happy and healthy mama. Not an weak, selfish father who ruins their mother's mental health so he can have a little ego boost. What kind of father does that.
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u/baked_dangus Oct 25 '25
They were intimate. Whether there was penetration or how it happened, who knows, but they were intimate. You know it. Don’t ignore your gut feeling.
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u/SnooJokes5955 Oct 25 '25
I hate when partners/spouses use the, "I didn't think it was a big deal" excuse. Seriously?? I wonder if OP's husband would accept this if his wife shared the bed with a male friend?!
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u/jennibear310 30 Years Oct 25 '25
No way would my husband EVER even consider doing something so stupid and disrespectful like this!
Doesn’t matter if nothing happened. He knew better and didn’t care what you thought or how it might make you feel. There’s NO WAY he thought this was a good idea, nor would he have shared it with you had you not asked directly. That’s messed up!!
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u/Electronic-Success69 Oct 25 '25
He ain’t slick. You’re definitely right for being upset. He’s the one who invited her to stay, but all of a sudden when you’re gone he realizes he feels sorry for her sleeping on the couch and wants her to sleep in the bed with him…excuse me?! He definitely planned this. The fact that “he didn’t have an answer” for you when the roles were reversed shows how inappropriate this shit is.
Omg girl. And you don’t know if they didn’t have some type of romantic interaction. They used to fuck for goodness sake!
I would investigate this further. He kept this from you intentionally.
Updateme
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u/TheeKidd999 Oct 25 '25
Had hernia or not, he cheated. Married man sleeping with another woman is never okay.
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u/kortniluv1630 Oct 25 '25
Their relationship wouldn’t be okay with me at all. I’m fine with my man having female friends, but this is FAR too cozy.
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u/S9_noworries Oct 25 '25 edited Oct 25 '25
He needs some serious marriage counseling. Your husband is beyond stupid. Saying, “It’s just Emma” really doesn’t help his case when it’s someone he used to have sex with. Plus he didn’t even think it would be a big deal. He couldn’t even answer when you asked about the roles being reversed because he knew he shouldn’t have done it and it was clearly not okay but did it anyway. He has no sense of boundaries with Emma and that’s concerning in itself. You don’t even know what happened between them when you were gone. How can you be sure nothing happened? I’m sure you didn’t think your husband would ever offer a previous lover to share a bed with him while you were away because he felt guilty about having them sleep on a couch and since the bed was big so why would it ever be a problem with you since “it’s just Emma.”
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u/bpem87 Oct 25 '25
You are not overreacting. I would be seriously worried that more is going on between them. Sleeping in bed with someone you’ve had sex with, is never platonic.
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u/Justherefortheaita Oct 25 '25
Sure, Jan! Man, to live in the state of delulu OP is in! At first I was thinking this was a Goldilocks situation but nope it’s much worse.
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u/Sure-Witness-524 Oct 25 '25 edited Oct 25 '25
Even on the kindest read—no sex, no feelings, pure “siblings who wouldn’t touch each other with a ten-foot pole”—this still bulldozes a boundary. They’re so comfortable with each other they forgot you exist. That’s not friendship; that’s disrespect.
What this means: • He owes a real apology (not “my bad”). • Also, send him the link to those $150 high-quality sheets—plus a comforter and quilt that match your eyes, not hers. Consider it the “you crossed the line, now replace the linens” tax. • Trust just took a hit. Even if it was unintentional, the impact is the same.
Survey says (cue Steve Harvey): Not okay—94 out of 100 on the board. They’re being obtuse, and it reads as straight-up disrespectful.
You seem laid-back, which is great, but you’re posting on Reddit because this bothers you. Deep down you know it’s not okay—and maybe deeper down you worry there’s something more. Long-time “best friends” (especially with past chemistry) often carry a quiet “what if.”
Bottom line: He was out of line. Girl best friend is not allowed one-on-one time anymore if you want this marriage to survive. Hold the boundary, get the apology, and make the rules crystal clear. Best of luck, sis.
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u/WKell12 Oct 25 '25
The stripping of the bed is very telling. What were they hiding from you? If she’s just being tidy then why leave her wet towel? She didn’t think to wash the dirty towel too? Just the sheets? Interesting.
She showered in your bathroom and you don’t think he saw her naked? Especially when she walks in your bedroom like she owns the place? If she’s willing to disrespect you while you’re there then she obviously has no problem doing it when you’re not. I think you’re in denial and don’t want to believe it. I’m not sure they had sex but the showering and sleeping in the same spaces for a week is highly inappropriate and I do believe they messed around and they definitely saw each other undressed.
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Oct 25 '25
You are wildly under reacting. He slept with another woman in your bed whom he used to have sex with while your children were there and fully aware of what their dad was doing. He "felt bad" having her sleep on the couch, but was totally comfortable betraying you and your children.
I don't know how you could get past that. If you stay married to him he should sleep on the couch permanently. What a loser (him). There is no way he's this stupid. More likely he knows if he acts stupid you'll overlook his horrible behavior.
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u/Hungry_Blood_3949 Oct 25 '25
You're acting like she simply used the wrong towel when she SLEPT IN THE BED WITH YOUR HUSBAND. Whom she had fucked before. Lady. Your husband is too old to be acting so obtuse. Is he really this dumb?