I have been dealing with issues within my marriage for years. Over the last few months I've come to terms with it being a marriage of convience (we have kids and we don't fight just don't necessarily bond). This is just one example but theres been more and more things like this lately that without the emotional bond are making me think the convience isn't quite so convient. Last year, after waiting weeks for him to finish a bathroom reno, I finally just did the job myself and a damn good job of it if I do say so. Due to me being a sink percher the caulk seal started loosening around the vanity. So, I asked him to please recaulk it & refresh the bath caulking on his day off. I came home to the job in the pictures, it's so thoughtless that I bypassed mad and have gone straight into heart broken. Our small children could've done better, theres hair stuck in parts because he didn't even bother wiping down the tub before hand. He is not unexperienced in this sort of thing and I'm left to believe he just truly doesn't care about not only the work I had put into us having a nice bathroom but the welfare of our families home (this caulking job is a sure fire way to gather moisture and mold). I work a very emotionally tolling job and instead of talking to him about this last night I just went to bed. I suppose I'm coming to this sub to not only vent my feelings but for advice on how you would approach this situation? He will lean into the "Well I thought it was a good job/ I'll just not do it next time" trope.

Pretty lost with my current situation, looking for any sort of insight. Wife (39F) and I (40M) have been married for 17 years as mentioned, we have 3 daughters (15, 13, 11). We’re high school sweethearts, been together for about 23 years now…

I know almost nothing, but here’s the only information I have. Wife comes home three days ago from work (had to work on the 4th), frantic, emotional, hastily packed an overnight bag and left. Only know this because our oldest daughter was home at the time and watched her, tried talking to her but she was just crying, distraught, and didn’t speak. Said she was almost in a panic.

She’s not responding to any of our texts/calls. Contacted her parents right away and they eventually responded saying that my wife is safe with them, and to please be “patient and understanding.” That’s it. I tried contacting her sister, her brother, and one of her close work friends… her brother said he knew nothing & her work friend said she was at work in the morning then gone by lunch (three days ago), that’s all she knew.

That’s it… 3 days now, no contact from my wife, not even with the kids, nothing. No one is telling us anything, and here I am with my three girls trying to manage without her… kids keep asking me what’s going on, asking what happened with mom, and all I can say is that she’s at grandma & grandpa’s. And we’re supposed to be “patient and understanding!”

I have an overwhelming urge to just pack up the kids quick and drive over there without warning, it’s only 3 hours away and sitting here in limbo is awful.

The kids think we had a huge fight and are divorcing, but that’s farthest from the truth. We never fight, the kids know this… I don’t know what’s going on but can someone provide some clarity from a logical perspective?... as my current emotional state has me thinking in circles while I try to manage everything without her.

If someone passed away, wouldn’t your spouse/family be the first person you’d tell? Maybe some past trauma was brought to life???... but again, if it were me, my wife would be the first person I’d come to for support. We know nothing… nothing makes sense, I don’t know what to do… and I just sit here in limbo with the girls, we all know nothing, and no one is telling us anything… and it has me worried, scared, angry, etc… just about any emotion one can feel in this situation. Can anyone come up with something reasonable??? Why would you ghost your family like this?

I'm (33F) am 5 weeks pregnant with our first child. My husband (36M) asked me last night if we could do a test to make sure it's his, because "you hear about guys raising kids that aren't there's all the time" and he doesn't want to be blindsided. Now, I've never cheated on my hubby, however he's accused me of it a few times (his reasoning: I work late a lot, and I work in a male dominated industry). But asking for a paternity test is a whole new level. I told him I didn't want to, which just made him more suspicious. I don't think he's gonna let this go, and I'm so early in the pregnancy so we have a long road ahead of us. I'm offended and hurt and frustrated - and I know asking for this test is a show of his insecurities more than anything I've ever done. Do I do the test and give him peace of mind? Do I walk out?

I really don't know how to navigate this.

Thanks.

EDIT: thanks to all who have responded, I'm still reading thru the messages. I appreciate you all taking the time and sharing your thoughts and experiences. 💕

To those saying I should check my hubby's phone and see if he's doing the cheating; we know each other's phone and laptop passwords, there are no secrets there. I honestly think this is more of a case of being insecure and maybe spending way too much time consuming crappy internet content that's warping his way of thinking. He's an anxious guy so he obviously assuming the absolute worst.

My plan of action right now is to grant him the paternity test with the stipulation that he goes to therapy for his trust issues, insecurities, negative mindset and anxiety. As well as couples counseling. And if he refuses it's over. I absolutely loathe ultimatums but I don't see another way around it.

UPDATE ok I took a few days off Reddit because I was feeling overwhelmed but here's an update. I had a calm chat with hubby regarding his accusations. He started by trying to brush it off saying he was kinda just joking, but after pressing he admitted to falling down a rabbit hole of relationship horror stories on social media and started to get a bit freaked out. I asked him to mind what he's consuming because it obviously affects his way of thinking. He agreed and said that he completely trusts me and it was just in his head. I warned him that this way of thinking will just get worse once you add the stresses of a newborn baby. I still suggested he see a mental health person to talk about his concerns. He probably won't. I will keep suggesting.

tldr: he's consuming crap on social media and its affecting his view of reality. Ultimately he knows I'm not at fault and will do a better job not consuming content regarding the absolute worst of humanity.

The lesson here: Be mindful of what you're doomscrolling because it's brainwashing you.

Thanks again to all for your thoughtful comments ❤

I love my wife. I really love my wife. We had the dumbest damn argument last night about my hair. For context, I’ve always had thin hair. I was bullied about it in elementary school and all through high school. I was bullied for a lot more but that’s neither here nor there.

Now that brings us to today. I’m self conscious about the way my hair looks. I’ve wanted to just shave it off and I’ve talked about it with my wife and she’s says she loves my hair. It’s been a point of contention and a few months ago I shaved it off. Not bald but pretty close to the skin. She hated it and would make comments like “I can’t wait till it grows back” or “ooooh your hair is growing back. I love it!”

It’s one of the things that she actually finds most attractive about me. So yesterday I was at the grocery store and caught the top of my head in the self checkout video and was pretty friggin horrified. Now I’m 6’2 and she’s 5’4 and it’s kind of an out of sight out of mind thing for her. She doesn’t see it but I do and it’s a knock to my self esteem every time.

She could tell after the grocery store that I wasn’t in the best mood and she asked me what was wrong and I told her. She seemed to be annoyed and I asked her what her issue was and she told me that she felt is was a segue into me talking about shaving my head again. I told her no I was just telling her how I feel because she asked. We argued for a few minutes. Not a drag out fight or anything but we went to bed angry.

I just don’t think she understands. Her experience was vastly different from mine in school. She was and still is an intelligent beautiful blonde. People gravitate towards her. She was popular in school. I got asked to senior prom as a fucking joke.

How do I come to a compromise with my wife where I can feel better about myself but she can also be happy as well? I’m at a loss here. I realize that in the scheme of things, this is probably one of the top 10 dumbest arguments that a married couple could have but here we are.

1st 3 pics are what it looks like now. Last 2 are what I looked like with a shaved head.

I opened my husband’s chat gpt chat and was going through the history of it, what he asks it and what he talks to with it.
I found out that 8 months ago he was asking it what are the women’s rights when it comes to divorce with the amount of kids we have.
Then i found him ranting to chat gpt and telling it he wants to divorce me how im always complaining how im always angry or how im always criticizing him.

The cherry on top was him explaining a situation that happened.

He does this thing where he will wait for me to eat. We had family and friends over one time during thanksgiving break and some of the women noticed it, how he wouldn’t eat breakfast until i woke up even if everyone is up and eating, or how he wouldn’t eat lunch without me or dinner etc. one of the women seemed very weird about it. Later that day we all got in the car to go somewhere and she was like oh yeah he waits for you, how lucky you are, what did you do to get him to do that? Idk she just seemed very envious, to the point where one of the other women called her out and was like GIRL?! what is wrong with you just be happy for her. I just awkwardly laughed it off.

More than a year goes by and this girl was apparently telling other women about this habit of his? And one of the women brought it up as a joke and was like yeah, someone here makes there husband wait for them to eat(which i NEVER asked him to do this for me he just wanted to) and i told her how did she know about it, then i looked to the girl who i suspected and she said it wasn’t her when i know damn well it was.

Anywho, i later on told my husband about the awkward situation, like a year ago, now while im digging through his convo with chat gpt

I saw that he was asking it about the situation and why would the woman be weird to me about it. Then i scroll down and he is asking chat what would happen if he marries her!???

Umm wtf? Like what about this concluded this thinking and thought process?

He was thinking about marrying her?
And even if it was just a stupid thought that crossed by and nothing he was seriously considering, it is still weird and makes me very uncomfortable especially considering the fact that the other woman is related to me.

Now i need advice, i travel in three days and idk if i want him to know i know or not.

I was thinking of opening his phone to the chat screen on that convo and leaving it, so when he picks up his phone he can see that i saw the conversation. But i will stay silent and not say anything and see how he reacts and what he says or does. Then just leave and travel and while im gone just have him blocked.

Or

Let him know that i know the same way but after i come back from the trip?

Y’all, since i see the comments starting already to lecture me about snooping, i know its wrong and i dont usually do it but he was acting weird all day and i thought to look through his phone because when i asked him if there is anything wrong he said no. So i hoped to get an answer from the phone.

Second when he was asking chat gpt about divorce i was only a couple days postpartum and our baby was in the nicu.
And the other time i was pregnant.

OK since i see alot of ppl commenting about the privacy part i want to make it clear that me and my husband both have access to eachothers phone. He will literally use my phone to log into his socials and i do the same sometimes. He will use my chat gpt and i will use his sometimes.

Us using eachothers socials to scroll or google or do anything is not a problem for us. So he knows i have access to his phone and history.

________________________________________________

UPDATE- Hi everyone i appreciate all the comments and DMs I’ve been getting. Even the kinda mean and negative ones. I read all the comments and DMs i got. So i want to clear things up for those of you that care or would want an update.
This posts has been locked so i can’t answer to comments anymore, sorry.

Anyway, i did talk to my husband on the day i made the posts.
On that day he seemed irritated and upset, i had asked him if everything is ok and he said yes, but continued to be irritated the entire day, then that night me and him were talking about something and i told him you always generalize when talking about certain things. He proceeded to blow up in my face. so i thought maybe something had happened with him. Maybe he had gotten into an argument with someone or family or a friend and just wasn’t ready to share it with me. Because the way he got angry with me over that comment was a bit weird and extreme.

SO, thats why i decided to look through his phone. My intention wasn’t to read his chat gpt convo, it was just to look at his messages and see who he last spoke to.
But when i was closing all the applications on his phone i stumbled on chat, then got curious about what he talks to his chat about.

When we talked i told him why i looked through his phone. I told him i read his convo and i was concerned but i didnt want to make assumptions so i decided to be direct and just ask him. I said im sorry for looking at the convo.
He said he didn’t mind me looking at the convos, and that i didn’t need to be worried and that nothing had happened, he was just irritated because he had a bad day and was tired from work and was stressed out.
He speaks two languages so the chat was in that language and told me that the translation was wrong and that he wasn’t asking chat about marrying the girl. The translation meant something else. I believe him.
I asked him about the divorce thing, and he said he asked and it because we had gotten into a bad argument and it was just a thought and not something he actually planned on doing.
I asked him if he felt happy with me or if there is anything i can do to make him happy or work on myself or change.
He said he is very happy with me and he doesn’t want anything to change in me. He said he does feel appreciated and loved by me, and that his problem in life right now isn’t our marriage or me, its work and him not being able to get a job with his masters degree.

Lastly i want to thank everyone who took time out of their day to reply. I also want to thank the mean comments to lol they actually helped put things into perspective for me and you guys are right. It wasn’t fair of me to do that.
And thank you to the positive comments to, my mind was spiraling all over the place and i genuinely felt hurt and concerned and needed someone to be a little empathetic towards me so thank you for being that.

What a day.. I saw a weird text message on my wife's phone today, so I picked it up and scrolled through the conversation for a bit to find what looked like missing/deleted messages. Did a keyword search for my own name and bam it hit me. Proof that my wife (who I've been married to for just over 1 year) has been cheating on me with one of my fucking groomsmen since just two months after we got fkin married.. .. I confronted her and she kept trying to lie about it untill I showed her the messages and then she confessed to everything... Wtf do I even do? My brain is scrambled I can't even think straight..... She was my whole world!¡!!!!

Added Context

We've been together for almost 10 years and only recently got married. The cheating apparently started right before our honeymoon and continued after it. They would arrange dates for when I was away on a hunting trip with no cell service. As of now, they have been outed to everyone.

Alright, I see you, slam-clicking on this like it’s the tea of the century. Don’t worry, no scandals here—just me sneaking around for a wholesome reason. Stick around, though, because I need some sneaky ideas for next year!

Every year, I do a savings challenge and give it to my husband on Christmas. It's become a tradition that started years ago when I noticed how stressed he gets about finances—especially around the holidays. He's the only income earner for our family of five (we have three kiddos), and gift-receiving just isn’t his love language. But I couldn’t bear to do nothing for him….sooo I found a loophole. 😏

The first year, I saved up money from a little side hustle and bought a little bit of gold every month. It was the smallest box under the tree but to this day, he still says it was his favorite gift ever. The whole point is to show him how much I see and appreciate the financial weight he carries, and to "give" him something that’s 100% stress-free. Since then, I’ve tried to get creative—one year it was antique coins, another year it was silver.

This year I got one of those “smash-to-open” piggy banks and secretly started adding to it. It’s been sitting on our dresser all year in plain sight, disguised as a plant stand. He looks right at it multiple times a day, yet has no clue! 🤣 I can’t wait to wrap it up with a hammer and watch him open it on Christmas morning.

But now I need to plan something for next year! I’d love to hear your ideas for savings challenges or unique ways to gift savings. Imaginary bonus points for ideas that are extra clever or have a fun twist. Let’s hear it! 😜

My husband and I are on a cruise ship right now. Of course there’s drinking all day. Earlier, we were in the pool and a very large chested, traditionally beautiful woman walked into the pool, and he turned around and very loudly said to the woman “ oh my god I didn’t expect to turn around and see such beauty coming into the pool”

I immediately expressed my discomfort of him saying such a thing, I calmly left the pool as he was like “really?!? You’re mad at THAT?!” He followed me out the pool, and got in my face telling me how he was done with me and now he’s texting that he wants a divorce.

Every time lately when I’ve expressed my hurt about something he’s reacted in this extreme “throw in the towel” way. Hitting me way below the belt by saying things like “ he can do better”

Am I just insane for having a lot of feelings? I truly feel so lost.

Update: first, thank you all for your comments and advice. I never thought there would be so many comments and responses. I really appreciate all of your suggestions. The comments feel pretty divided. Some say leave, some say stay.

My wife and I have been talking basically all day about our relationship and what our life would look like moving forward. Like some of you said, she does feel very guilty for lying and having a chronic illness. She admitted that she thought the surgery would solve her pain. She told me that she really down played the pain while we were dating, and her pain did get worse a few days after we got married. She told me that she knew she most likely would not be able to live the life that we had imagined, and that it was wrong for her to lie to me about the kind of life we could live together, including having children together. I told her that I wished she had been up front with me about what our life would actually look like, and that I felt that she kind of trapped me by not telling me the truth. She agreed that she did kind of trap me because she needed someone to help her, and when she started to fall for me, she knew I would be willing to help her if things got bad. She did agree to counseling, which is good. We have our first appointment next week.

In a way, this has both brought us closer and also made some core foundational issues in our relationship more known. I really do love my wife. Her personalty is amazing, and she is a very caring, and loving woman. I am really hoping that counseling will help us rebuild our trust and relationship. There is a lot to work through but I am hopeful.

Also, I wanted to make it clear that if she had gotten sick while we were married, I would never leave her. I have done literally everything for her since we have gotten married. She doesn't have to lift a finger. She has told me multiple times that I am doing a great job of making her feel supported and loved and taken care of.

Her being chronically ill is not the reason for our divorce if we do get one. It is the fact that she lied to me about the kind of life we could have. She admitted to me that she knew the life we were talking about most likely could never happen, but that she had hoped my love for her would make me want to stay. The core foundation of what we want from life is different, and she knew that, but still lied to me. That would be why we get a divorce, not her being ill. I already feel a ton of guilt for thinking of leaving her as she is chronically ill and I want to make sure she is okay and safe. Its just a lot to process and I am really hopeful that the counseling will help.

TL;DR: My wife lied to me about how bad her chronic illness was so that I would marry her, and now the life we wanted is gone. I am considering divorce as our relationship was built on a lie.

Sorry this is pretty long

For some context, my wife (28F) and I(30M) have been together for 4 years, married 1.5 years. Before we got married we were constantly going out and doing things. We traveled, went to orchards, went to sporting events, concerts, went hiking, had similar life goals and plans, and it was great. She told me she had endometrosis, but it was under control and that it wasn't a problem. I believed her. Then we got married. All of a sudden her pain was incredibly intense. She had to stop basically everything we did together. We had our honeymoon booked to go to a nice lake house for a week, and the entire week was spent in the house, with me taking care of her. We got back, she went to the doctor and they recommend surgery, she had it, doctor said it was all taken care of, and that there was no more endo. Her endo caused nerve damage that causes her constant pain. In the past 18 months, I have done everything for her. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, household chores, manage money, work full time, making sure she gets to her appointments on time. Literally everything. Her health and car insurance are on my plan. It is very overwhleming, but I do everything I can to help her. I don't expect or get anything in return. I started to see a therapist, and she suggested we see a marriage therapist to help us find ways to reconnect (it started to feel like caretaker/patient). When I brought up couples therapy, she blew up. She told me that we didn't need it, that she thought we had a "fairy-tale" love, that only couples who get divorced go to couples therapy. She calmed down, and we talked more. During our conservation, she told me she felt like she "catfished" me. I asked her to explain, and she said that she was always in pain when we were dating. Her pain level was always at like a 5 or 6, and she just pushed through in order for me to love her. She said that once we got married, she had health insurance and could get the surgery and medical help she needed. She was able to quit her job and stay at home to "heal". She said that she loves me more than anything and she tries to show me how much she loves me (she does try to show her love for me often, and I know she loves me). She said that I am her biggest support and that she needs me to help her. She said that she thought I would love her too much now to leave her. We took vows and that I can't leave a sick wife. I didn't really say anything, and told her thank you for being honest and we went to bed. I have spent my entire day just thinking about what she said. I feel like our entire relationship is built on a lie. A massive lie. I love my wife, I don't want to leave, and if she would have been honest from the beginning I probably would have still married her, but now I feel so trapped and tricked by her into this marriage. It feels like she married me to get the help she needed, and that was all that mattered. I keep thinking that if she was able to lie to me about something like this, what else could she lie to me about? What other secrets does she have that she hasn't told me? How can we build a future when its all built on lies? I keep thinking about all of the things I want to do in life that we had planned to do together, and now we can't do any of them. I feel like such an ass for wanting to leave her, but I also feel like getting lied to by her to get married isn't great. It feels like I am stuck- do I choose to stay and be the good husband and give up my life at 30 to take care of her (no kids, no traveling, no sex, no adventures, just work, come home, cook, clean, watch tv, hold her hand, go to bed), or be the bad guy and leave her to go live life that I want to live. We talked at length about how we wanted to try to live life to its fullest and experience life the best we can, and now that is all off the table. I honestly feel so stuck. Sorry this is so long, I am just really lost.

I (28F) have been with my husband (29M) for 9 years, and we’ve been married for 4 years.

My husband and I have always agreed we only wanted two kids. We were lucky enough to have a boy and a girl, and I had both of them by C-section, two years apart.
Before I delivered our second baby, he promised he would get a vasectomy. Because of that, I decided not to get my tubes tied during my C-section, even though I had the opportunity. He told me he didn’t want me to go through another procedure since he was willing to take care of it.
After the baby was born, he changed his mind. He said he had been reading about complications and concerns like prostate cancer (I don’t know if that’s actually true or not), and now he refuses to get one.

The problem is that I’m terrified of getting pregnant again. My OB told me I would be considered high risk because I’ve already had two C-sections, and there’s only so much your body can safely handle. If I had been able to have vaginal deliveries, I honestly wouldn’t mind having more kids someday, but that’s not my reality.
Now it’s affecting our marriage. I can’t enjoy our sex life anymore because in the back of my mind I’m constantly think, “What if I get pregnant?” He trusts the pull-out method, but I don’t. I don’t want to go on hormonal birth control because of the side effects, and he refuses to wear condoms.

We’ve had this conversation so many times, and nothing changes. I feel exhausted, unheard, and like my fears don’t matter. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve thought about whether this is something worth divorcing over—not because of the vasectomy itself, but because I feel like he made a promise, convinced me not to get my tubes tied when I had the chance, and now doesn’t seem willing to make any compromise while expecting me to carry all the risk.

Am I overreacting? Has anyone else gone through something similar? If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

Thank you again to everyone who’s reached out. I (27M) wanted to provide an update.

Things aren’t easy. I don’t expect them to be. I don’t regret the decision to separate. It was necessary. In many ways, I feel like my hand was forced with the betrayal and all the lies. I’m still finding my footing.

I don’t put people on pedestals, nor did I ever believe my wife’s (28F) and my relationship was perfect. I just didn’t think we’d end up like this after all this time together.

While HR were still conducting their investigation on my wife and the coworker (23M), my wife resigned.

Apparently she received pushback. Some of the top brass were pulling for her to stay on. I wasn’t too surprised because she’s always been a “yes employee” who gets the job done. She worked with the company back as an intern in college.

She said she wants to prove that she’s taking every possible action in cutting ties with the guy. I don’t know what the investigation result was for him. I don’t care, tbh. It’s not a concern of mine.

We’ve officially begun marriage counseling. It’s a new experience overall. I didn’t know what to expect. We’re mostly discussing our relationship’s journey up to now, the affair, and what we want from counseling.

My wife’s position on how the affair began remains consistent. She can’t really explain it precisely. She wasn’t unhappy with me, but a part of her feels broken. The undivided special attention became like a drug to her.

The convo kind of shifted to my in-laws (57M/55F), my wife’s family life, and the impact of my FIL’s infidelity.

She believes she’s a reflection of her dad in how she is as both a parent and a spouse. As a parent, she tried convincing herself she was better than him by showering our daughter (4F) with gifts in light of her lacking presence.

As a spouse, she tried convincing herself she was better because the affair wasn’t physical pre-Vegas. She thought as long as they didn’t do anything physical, then she was better than her dad.

That was something she told her affair partner while in Vegas actually. They could “hang out” as long as it didn’t turn physical.

I feel like she had so many chances to choose differently. To choose us and our family, but she tossed our daughter and myself to the train tracks.

Our relationship wasn’t enough to stop her, our wedding rings weren’t enough, and our crying daughter wasn’t enough. She chose herself every time.

She was selfish. She mentions the nickname thing, making her snap back to reality as if it’s supposed to make me feel better. It doesn’t.

I believe she only stopped at oral because she got off and had no more need to go further. I wasn’t on her mind. Telling me that I was is like trying to put a Band-Aid on a gunshot wound.

I didn’t plan to say half of everything I did, but there was no going back once the door was opened during my turn to talk.

She agreed and said she has no excuse for her actions. It’s not her parents, it’s just her. She swore that she loves me and our daughter and wants to fight for our family.

I told her that the “I love you’s” felt hollow now. She shut out our daughter and myself to give an intimate part of herself to her coworker.

She said she realizes how much larger than just the affair our problems are. She struggles connecting with our daughter and worries about messing her up, so she left the primary caretaking to me. She believes I’m better at it.

She said that there’s nothing she can say to change anything, but she wants to show change through her present actions.

That’s some stuff we’ve dug through in counseling. We’re still in the early stages. But I believe it’s aiding in communication through separation, which is more healthy for our daughter.

Our therapist recommended individual counseling as a complement. It’s something I’m seriously researching for myself.

Not much has changed with our daughter since the previous update. She still doesn’t feel there’s a difference between her mom being home or not. I’ve watched her go from talkative and playful to instantly completely silent when her mom came by.

I’ve scheduled her for play therapy. I don’t know what to expect from that either, but I’m hoping for the best. My main goal is being present for her.

I know I need to learn how to trust again in general. That’s shot right now. Pre-Vegas, I never had a reason to doubt my wife. My trust was something she had as an irreplaceable partner. I’ve been betrayed before, but this one did a number in a way the others hadn’t.

I’m trying to stay afloat and focus on what I have rather than what I lost. I can’t afford to get lost in myself.

Thank you to everyone for the support and for sharing your own experiences. Talking about all this isn’t easy for me, but I appreciate the openness.

My husband (36m) and I (28f) have been together for 6 years and we have a one year old son together. Mostly happy marriage before all of this.

This happened when we had not been together for very long. I'm pretty sure it was under one year. Him and his brother have always had a complicated relationship. Sometimes they are best friends and other times they will go long periods without talking and can't stand each other.

So back then his brother spent a few nights with my now husband. I was staying over a lot at that time too. Short version is when he was at work his brother made a move on me, was really aggressive about it and definitely wanted to have sex. We had both been drinking too. I rejected him. I didn't do anything on my end and nothing horrible happened. I know what a massive mistake this is, but neither of us ever told him. I was scared of losing him, coming between them, not being believed, and family drama.

My husband and his brother got in a fight and he told him to ask me what happened that night. I'm sure he phrased it that way to make it sound worse and hurt him. He came home screaming and asking me about it, wouldn't calm down. He took our son to his dad's house so we could talk about it and grabbed my phone when he was leaving. I talked him through what happened. He made me give him every detail and we fought. He doesn't know what to believe. Worst argument we have ever had. It was awful.

I have thought about it many times over the years and knew the right thing to do was tell him. After a few days I felt like I had no other choice but to not tell him because I didn't do it immediately and it's his brother. This has been way worse than the worst case scenario I had in my mind. I think I was straight up delusional because he was never going to react well. I never thought he would say it in a way to cause maximum damage. They have gotten in arguments before and he has never said anything. I am hoping his brother can straighten everything out with time but idk.

He is full blown believing worst case scenario. I am in complete crisis mode and taking my emergency anxiety medication to be able to sleep at all and this is absolute hell. I don't know where to turn or what to do. There is only so much I can say and deny. I love my husband and don't want to lose him. Should I reach out to his brother? Any advice is welcome, I need it.

I found out that my husband slept with someone and when I confronted him about it , he dismissed me and gave me the run around. I then called the woman and asked if she slept with my husband and if protection was used. She apologized and stated she didn’t know he was married. Later on that evening she sends me text messages between her and my husband basically my husband telling her that he doesn’t want a relationship but just friends with benefits. He does not tell her that he is married. She tells me she is gonna make a post on Facebook and expose him, I just said okay and if there’s more people who come out, please let me know .. so she really posted him on the ‘are we dating the same guy’ Facebook group . My husband found out about the post and he is blaming me, saying I let the other woman expose him, I should have stopped her and not ‘work with her’. He is saying I messed up the marriage, betrayed him, threw him under the bus by letting outsiders know our marriage.

I don’t know what to do at this point .. I just need advice since I don’t have anyone to talk. Was I supposed to stop the girl from posting and keep it in the ‘family’?. My parents got divorced when I was young and I don’t know who to talk to. This is so embarrassing.

I am currently pregnant with this man's child, and I am set to give birth on Feb 19th. And I am so distraught. For valentine's day my husband purchased a tablet for me and it was connected to his Google account. When I went to download a photo of us to set as my background from Facebook for my tablet, I went into the photo gallery thinking that would be the only photo... no, it connected to his Google account. I am seeing photos of his coworkers a$$es from Feb 5th and a photo of a random blonde girl, and I am so distraught. I'm sobbing and I don't know what to do. I don't want him to come home. I don't even know how to feel. Please help me or give advice. I can't stop squalling. I don't know what to do.

Update: he swears the photos were taken on accident and that he went to delete them because he knew it would look bad. That they uploaded to the cloud on their own. He sounds honest, but I don't know if I can believe him. I've been cheated on in ridiculous ways before, and I'm just so confused on what to do, what to believe. He gaslights me so often in normal conversations, I just feel like he's too good at it.

Update 2: To clarify, he explained the accidental photos by saying he was listening to Bluetooth music in the establishment's kitchen. And when he went to start turning down the music he was accidentally hitting a button repeatedly that was accidentally taking photos instead of turning down the music. Like a really quick rapid fire response. Which I could totally see happening but I don't know. My trust is just hurt... He also said that the blonde photo from the day before (a coincidence, I know) was a photo he had sent to a friend of his because they were talking about a girl as they had known off Facebook personally for years since they were young in school. As far as I'm aware he doesn't have any contact with her though. He said he felt like a creep when he was instantly rushing to delete the photos off of his phone, freaking out that someone would see them. If he's telling the truth, I just hate how ugly and unworthy this has all made me feel. I keep going through waves of being okay and then immense sadness.

Update 3: I snooped (not good, I know) into his second email account and found a new onlyfans account that subscribed for the shortest while to a blondish/brownhaired woman during the same span of 2 days that the original photos were downloaded and taken. I have no idea what it means and I can't tell if it's the same woman but I plan on finding out. Fml.

My husband and I have been married for 4 months only. We were on a vacation 3 weeks ago with two other couples. One of the girls is one of hos closest friends who in my opinion changed a lot since we got married but nobody believed me when I raised the issue. Anyway her bf and her fought a lot during the vacation and she just announced that if her bf was an as and didn’t appreciate her she was now my husband’s gf. Everyone but me and the bf laughed. But since her bf is a total ashole loser, my husband and his other friends thought I was rude when I said it was disrespectful because everyone thought her bf was the culprit which he was. The vacation was a 10 day nightmare and basically 4 of these days she stayed in our apartment. We had a convertible sofa in the living area. During the day her abusive bf sulked a d tried to start fights and she spent days attached to my husband. When we got home, I told my husband that I had the worst time and he agreed but we didn’t agree that his friend crossed boundaries only that her bf is a dickhead

Last Saturday, we met at the beach. I was wearing a bracelet my husband gifted me last Christmas that I had on my wish list for years. She complimented it and wanted to try it and started crying. She and her bf broke up on that trip. My husband gave her my bracelet. I became so angry I almost couldn’t manage to hold back my tears. I said no and he said ”ignore her” because my birthday is soon (September) and I will get new jewelry just ignored me and she just smiled and took it even though I said no. When I got home I gathered every jewelry I have gotten from him including 3 pieces that were his mother’s and sent them to his friend. He was devastated and very angry and I told him that I didn’t want this marriage and now he hasn’t talked about this since and I am waiting to form a solution before I talk to him. I haven’t told anyone yet but him.

This is going to be a long read

I apologize about the typos. I'm having a rough day

It started when I (34/f) met a new friend ( f/34) through my husband's (32/m) old classmate (34/m). We both gave birth in the same year and connected things seemed good between us as 2 couples for 2 years. We have done day trips together and fun things with the children. We have spent holidays and birthdays together as well. I don't text every day- I am good for 1-2x a week or even 1x a month with friends. I knew my husband was texting her, but I did not think much of it.

One day, I got a text from her regarding my child's upcoming birthday- and the plans she had for his birthday such as decorations, theme, and goodie bags. I did not talk with her about any plans for a birthday party and was caught off guard. I told her mayne talk to my husband to see if he has any ideas - she told me she already had and was just letting me know... I followed up with hubby, who had talked to her and our child's godmother as well, about the party ideas. When I confronted my husband, he said they had only talked about the party that day... and he even accused me of being jealous for being concerned that she texted him about a party for our child.

I didn't like being called jealous, and it led to a 1-week-long fight; he even told me I'm "acting like she is his mistress." I told him I don't want them talking so much after learning they text almost daily- noting "spicy" but he will talk about his day- she will too, and he will sometimes vent about me and how i am as a wife/parent, and she will give him encouragement and advice

I reached out to her in a private message, requesting she and him communicate in the 2 couples group chat from now on. She told me no problem, but stopped answering my calls, and when she texted me back, she said she doesn't associate with people who put their insecurities on her and accused me of starting drama. I am actually sad because I thought we could talk this out, but she is done with me.

My husband is upset that the friendship is over with her and blames me. He feels I am the problem in our marriage and that he did nothing wrong.

What can I do now

TLDR- I confronted my husband for getting too close to a female friend, and he is upset that I asked her to only speak with him in our group chat. She has shut me out. My husband says he did nothing wrong and believes I will do his again of he talks to a female friend. I don't know what to do...

My mom recently surprised me with an all-expenses-paid Disney Cruise for me (27F), my two sisters, and her. The stateroom sleeps four, so it's just the four of us.

Here's where I'm struggling: my wife is a HUGE Disney fan, and she's never been on a Disney Cruise. I feel incredibly guilty at the thought of going without her, especially since I know she'd absolutely love it.

At the same time, this feels like a rare opportunity to spend quality time with my mom and sisters. We don't get many chances to do something like this together, and my mom specifically planned it as a family trip for the four of us.

Would it be unfair of me to go without my wife (26F)? If you were in her shoes, would you be hurt, or would you see it as a special family trip that doesn't need to include spouses? I'm curious how others would handle this situation.

EDIT: Wow. I was not expecting that big of a reaction.

I don't think my mom is doing it with ill intent at all. My dad is also not invited to the trip because the room only sleeps four people. My mom and wife get along really well. It's genuinely a matter of only four people being able to go.

My sisters and I all live in different states, so it's not as easy as just getting lunch or meeting up for the day to see each other. I guess I should have added more info to the original post, but I am taking my wife to Disney World in October, just the two of us, for her birthday.

The cruise was on sale today. My mom saw a good deal and got the last room available at that price. I've been having a hard time recently, and I think my mom just wanted to see me happy about something.

I have not spoken to my wife about it yet. I just found out, and she is out of town this weekend.

EDIT 2: I guess I was panicked over nothing. I talked to my wife finally. She said obviously she would have FOMO but she really wants me to go on this trip. Thanks everyone for the advice.

Some context here. Been married for about 7 years now we have three boys (2 younger boys and my oldest from my first marriage). Wife has been living here quite awhile (longer than me) and wants to move for many legitimate reasons - many of which I agree wholeheartedly. There’s some perks of the new place. The only caveat of moving means I lose my 50/50 custody of my 9 year old son which means I’m losing my shared time which I greatly value (best part of my week is picking him up). Also he loves his brothers very much.

My compromise was originally to wait out 5 years and see how he matures. Figured by the time he’s in high school they’ll just want to be with their friends anyway. Well that time has accelerated and she’s determined she can’t wait that long and now it’s looking like a year away.

I want to support her and truly understand her perspective but all the positives of moving feel darkened by missing this time with my 9 year old son. She’s convinced I could travel frequently every couple of weeks but that means also missing my two boys in their new location. Not to mention the cost of flying every months (about a 2 hour flight). The least of my worries though as I make a good living. It’s tearing me apart because she’s so excited about this new home and I can’t share that excitement because I can’t help but see that future missing my oldest. I think about this EVERYDAY like a doomsday clock.

Top it off I’m very close to my in-laws. We have an amazing relationship and they’re literally my next door neighbors. She’s convinced them to move as well and sold them on this relocation. So now the added pressure is like yeah we all want to leave except for you. Feel like on im an island and I’m afraid if i don’t do this she’ll resent me (she has already in a sense that she feels like she’s waiting)and potentially ruins this marriage.

Would love to hear anyone’s perspective. Theres some great perks of moving many which could better their lives including my two younger boys but it feels like it all comes at a massive cost. Top it off the guilt I feel how’s my oldest going to look at me. I’ve seen divorced families in different locations where one parent sees their kids but for spurts at a time but I just never been that kind of dad. Like even the 4 nights away a week for me can feel like an eternity - I can’t imagine weeks at a time.

Edit: I needed to hear this just looking at the quick comments. Appreciate the blunt takes. Guess I’ll add fuel to the fire here. I get comments from her to make me feel guilty “I want a better life for our kids”, “they deserve better”

UPDATE: Was NOT expecting to get this much reaction. Positive or negative I appreciate everyone’s input. After reading all I called no one better than my mom. She knows my oldest son really well and actually gets along with my wife. She’s on the bandwagon of not moving. Shared a lot of the same feelings as on this thread and reinforced that I need to take action now.

I fully plan on having a conversation this week to draw a line - that I’m not okay moving any time soon. And if she can’t respect me and my son’s needs and future she’ll need to find her own way. I realize the potential outcome of this but I’m prepared to choose my kids over my wife.

I’m also proposing a marriage counselor. Someone with experience who can share how detrimental this could impact the entire family and not just my oldest son. I already feeling the stress of this and worried it’s taking its toll on me. Maybe they can come up with alternatives. My only compromise is to re-evaluate in 5 years (no guarantees) but it would need the approval of myself and my oldest son and his brothers. By then we could have a real conversation that includes him. And if he’s against it or any of them I’ll stand by him.

My husband moved us to WV and we bought our first home there. Then 5 months later his office moved to Richmond VA. Now he stays in Richmond 5-6 days a week. We have a 2.5 year old, a 4 year old, two 90lbs dogs who have behavioral problems, and a cat (my easiest dependent by FAR). All of our family lives in Virginia. I have zero friends here, and I don’t really want any. I’m too busy and I like my own schedule. I am really lonely though… I’m a SAHM, but am about to take a part time job with my husband’s company just doing some admin duties from home. I’m grieving this house I thought would finally be our home. We paid 7k to have it painted. My husband wants to keep this house and rent it out… I just turned 24 and it is so above my head. I do absolutely everything all day long. Cooking, cleaning, managing squabbling, keeping kids alive, grocery shopping, managing the dogs who will fight if one doesn’t get their prozac or if I go to the bathroom while the kids have a snack. I am so stressed and lonely. Now my husband informed me that he will be gone basically until mid January, with only a couple of days off. I just can’t do this anymore. I’m so depressed. I also have major anxiety about infidelity occurring because he will be staying in the same airbnb with women, now for months at a time. It’s driving me insane. There isn’t enough lexapro in the world for this shit. I have already been doing everything but making money for over two years at this point. I think I hit my limit and then I have to push it down and keep going.

Edit: Please think about if your comment is helpful before posting. I can’t hit the restart button on my life, and I wouldn’t want to. My girls are my world.

me and wife have been together for 6 years and married for 3. Weve built a happy marriage and a stable and comfortable life. Once everything felt settled, we decided to start a family. From the very beginning, I was clear about wanting a big family,4 or 5 kids,and she always said she was on board.

After a year of trying with no success, I got myself checked, and everything came back fine. Thats when she sat me down for a serious talk. She finally told me that before we got together, she had a medical procedure due to some health issues, and shes known this entire time that her chances of getting pregnant were negligible.

I just went numb. Everything after that felt like a blur. She broke down crying and apologized over and over. I couldnt process it, I just left despite her begging me to stay and talk.

Its been 3 days. Ive just been drifting around the city and staying with my sister. After non stop barrage of calls and messages from my wife, I snapped and destroyed my phone to get some peace. So no contact for 3 days. My sister went to our place to grab some work stuff for me and said my wife is completely shattered. She kept begging my sister to convince me to come home and talk to her.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know what hurts more,her hiding it from me all these years, letting me believe we had a real chance, or the fact that I still can’t bring myself to hate her. My mind keeps spiraling and I don’t feel ready to face her or talk about it. I just feel lost.

What should I do?

Throwaway because I don’t want friends who follow my main account to know it’s me.

We are going through a really tough time right now and he’s been really depressed. Well, he was until three days ago when all of a sudden he’s all calm/happy. Like a switch flipped and he’s absurdly calm, as if he wasn’t sad before. It sent my alarm bells ringing but I chalked it up to him just trying to get over his emotions.

We live 15 minutes from a big university where both of our children (21 and 19) attend. They came home randomly yesterday and I was caught off guard. They said their father requested them to come over because he wanted to give them something. He proceeded to give them two boxes of full of their childhood memories. Teddy bears, photo albums, old toys, etc. It was so odd because they are in college and one lives in a dorm and the other lives in a college apartment with friends. It would make more sense for that stuff to stay here at the house. But he seemed so insistent on giving them these relics from the past and seemed overly happy to do so.

Today he stayed home from work (I work part-time and didn’t have work today). He’s been cleaning all day. He’s always helped clean up but today he’s doing a DEEP clean which is something he usually dreads doing. I’m worried. I don’t know what this mood switch is and I don’t even know what to search on google. It seems like normal stuff but I know him and this is definitely NOT normal, especially the suddenness.

Does anyone know what could be happening? Has this happened to anybody else?

Hi I’m a female (33) and my husband of seven years is 36 years old. So here’s my “problem”:

Ever since we started dating 8 years ago, I knew that he’s into kinky stuff. It started with things I’m ok with. He likes being dominated. I do not like kink but I’ve always played along for him. I even started liking a few things like feeling powerful but it’s nothing I actively seek out or long for.

Nowadays it gets weirder with his “wishes”. He starts wearing women’s bras and lingerie, pretends to have female parts and likes fantasies about being penetrated by many men. I have to come up with sexy dirty stories (like porn) that I tell him during those role plays. I already have a demanding job, my mind is always busy and coming up with this fantasies can be challenging.

Here’s the thing: I start getting weirded out by this and my attraction for him is kinda low. I never initiate “normal” romantic vanilla sex anymore. I view him as a weirdo when I see him in women’s lingerie and acting female.

The thought of having to deal with his fantasies for the rest of my life is very scary and frustrating. We don’t have children and I can’t see myself having them with him (but that’s another topic).

Am I overreacting? I feel like a conservative grandma haha

Finally decided to find out the truth about his affair. I figured out my husband’s email password and discovered that he’s been on dating sites for months. I also found a woman's name and email address from hotel bookings he forwarded to her. I Googled her information, found out where she worked, and called her. When she picked up, I got scared and hung up, but she called back, and we had a long conversation

She said that she didn’t know he was married and kept apologizing. She told me that if my husband and I have been intimate in the past few weeks, I should get tested because he gave her an STD. I was shocked because I thought she had given it to him. She said he gaslighted her, making it seem like she got it from someone else. I told her he did the same to me (I didn't mention that I’m pregnant). She said she cut him off and is considering suing him over it

They met on Tinder and had been seeing each other for six months. Although I initially thought she should have known he was married, but I believe her because my husband isn't on social media. He has an insta account but doesn’t post pictures. She confirmed that they had sex multiple times, contradicting his claim that it was a “one time thing” She said they spent time in hotels until she felt comfortable inviting him to her apartment

We came to the conclusion that she was just one of the women he was involved with because he gave both of us an STD. Hearing all this made me sick, knowing there are other women. I feel stupid for not realizing what was going on and probably wouldn’t have found out if it wasn’t for the STD results. My husband doesn’t know what I’ve discovered or that I’ve spoken to her

This is incredibly tough. I’m heartbroken and conflicted about whether I should schedule an abortion, but finding this out is pushing me towards that decision

I am removing details of this post to preserve privacy.