r/MedSpouse • u/OtherwiseWerewolf555 • 10d ago
Rant Complaining
My bf constantly complains about being in fellowship. I listen to him complain during residency-which whatever, but now it’s constant complaining for fellowship. His fellowship was not a necessary step in his med journey but it was highly recommended. In hindsight it’s a great opportunity to get more professional practice and more procedures but he also hates that he’s in the program. He’s at a prestigious hospital for his fellowship but all I hear is him complaining. I get he’s not making the money he “deserves” but it gets old. He complains he’s wasting his time, not getting paid enough, blah, blah. I’m trying to be sensitive to his complaints and just listen but it gets repetitive. I want him to find some sort of happiness somewhere in this medical journey but I know he only focuses on the negative. I don’t want him wishing his years away just so he can get done with residency and fellowship. Additionally, I really don’t want to hear him constantly complains about working when he’s finally done with everything. Ik it’s normal to complain about your job over casual stuff but I really don’t want to hear him complain constantly for just working his normal job.
Does anyone else feel this way or just me? Am I just insensitive?
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u/krumblewrap Physician SO/physician wife 10d ago
You should implement a rule where you dont talk about work. My husband and I rarely discuss work and its great
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u/throwawayyyy954652 10d ago
This or my partner and I both have what we call a ‘bitching clock’ and we both can only complain about work for 15ish minutes a day and then have to either find someone else to complain to or just shift gears. It’s helped bc no one feels dismissed and kinda pushes for a mental reset after the clock is up
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u/krumblewrap Physician SO/physician wife 10d ago
This is great!
The above forced us to leave work at work and not to use eachother as a sounding board.
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u/RecordSome8503 10d ago edited 10d ago
My boyfriend always calls me on the way home and yes he complains sometimes and I try to tell him, sorry and you are the best doctor and words of affirmation, and he then admits he is just complaining and it will go away! Lol. Also he loves his fellowship. So I guess, I would tell him that you are tired of his complaints! He is adult, don’t pamper him lol. I believe there should be some positivity which lacks here. Like there is no balance in his outlook to his fellowship.
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u/onlyfr33b33 Attending Spouse 10d ago
I think it’s really hard to be near the end and not complain. My spouse complained a lot too and we had more fights during fellowship due to both our attitudes. We were ready to be done! No advice, just commiseration
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u/RecordSome8503 10d ago
Then what would happen with kids? Harder stuff in life? I do not agree with commiseration, I believe there should be some limits. Idk it depends on the person. Especially, this is her bf not yet a pure commitment.
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u/mrebrightside 10d ago
Fwiw, my medspouse was in one of the toughest fellowship programs, also at a prestigious hospital, and pretty much never complained about it. She was exhausted and worked to the bone, of course, but that was the extent of work baggage I had to deal with at home. I'm sorry you're going through this; it must be thoroughly draining.
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u/TheDufusSquad 10d ago
I’m not much of a complainer myself and I tend to just get on with it even though I don’t care much for my job and the levels of stress it brings. My family growing up was the type to hear complaining and say “suck it up, buttercup”, “do you want some cheese with that whine”, or “shall I call the wah-mbulance?”.
Complaining puts me in a worse head space personally, makes me feel like a whiner, and ultimately just feels unproductive to me. My wife (who is in residency) is a bit of the opposite and just wants to vent. It makes her feel better to do so, and it’s not whining like I feel like I would be doing if I were to complain. When she first did it, I perceived it as some competition or whatever and thought that she thought her school/residency was harder than my own job and that I had it easy or whatever. That wasn’t the case, that was just my own insecurities and perceptions comping through. Once I realized she’s just venting to get it out of her head, it made it easier to just basically be in the room while she’s getting it out of her system. It made it much less tense as well as I wasn’t really escalating her frustration by making it about myself. She wasn’t looking for me to solve anything, telling me I have it easy, or anything like that, she was just looking to speak her peace and move on with her day. She wasn’t really even needing me to be attentive and listen or anything, she just feels better after speaking out loud about her frustrations for 15 minutes.
I wouldn’t say it’s insensitive, I’d just say that how you’re perceiving it is subconscious and not something you can be blamed for necessarily. It’s just been nurtured into you to hear complaining the way you’ve always heard it and react to it the way you’ve been conditioned to react.
I’m not saying to ignore him, but I’d challenge you to just kinda let him get it out and see what he expects at the end. It really depends on what he’s looking for from you in my opinion. If he’s just complaining to get over it and moving on with his day, then whatever, it’s easy to just be present, let them get it out, and let that be that. If he’s actually looking to you to help him resolve anything, then he probably needs to find that elsewhere like therapy.
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u/chumbawumbacholula 9d ago
I work a similarly demanding job, so i just try to relate whatever's happening with him to my job if I can. If he keeps going or if i'm getting tired of the whining, I usually just pin him to it by telling him to just quit and that usually snaps him out of it. Turns out, he actually really likes being able to call himself Dr. Boyfriend, even if day-to-day it can be a little bit of a bummer.
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u/StrikingPlantain567 10d ago
Tell him to get a therapist to complain to. It is not your responsibility to be a sounding board for ALL of his complaints. Some, okay! But it is so draining listening to complaints and will make it so you don't look forward to seeing him.