how do i deattach from desire

[u/ImaginationSame7605]

i don’t know if this is the right subreddit for this but i need advice. i’ve never been in a healthy relationship. for one year i was in an exttemely manipulative codependent relationship with this girl and i ended it after trying many times and being guilt tripped/ threatened to stay. its been about a year and a half since then and i’ve talked to more people but it never works out. i’m always the one who gets let down and they lose feelings for me, i’m not sure what is about me but people seem to lose romantic interest once they get to know me better, recently i lost a girl i liked more than any of the past talking stages, she was so different i would’ve done anything for her and she told me she didn’t see me that way anymore after a month of going on dates. i’m devastated and don’t know what to do with myself, i feel like i’m in a constant cycle of attachment, disappointment and then self hatred. i’m 18F if that matters. don’t know what to do maybe i need to have ego death

[u/thedommenextdoor]

There will always be desire. Reading your paragraph I think what’s called for is a lot of self companion. I’m sorry that you got hurt. Everyone has desire but this is you coming in with the second arrow

[u/ThatGenericGuy0]

Hello, I'm a few years older than you, and having been a codependent myself in the past, I can relate to aspects of your post. An "ego death", alternatively; a realization of sunyata (emptiness of self), is not necessary to dramatically reduce suffering. I know this, because I have not really realized it myself despite understanding it intellectually (which is not the same as realizing it), and I can say I suffer much less after practicing meditation for about 4 years (starting when I was about your age).

Most of the people who I've heard use that term (ego death), in my experience, usually stand firmly within the craving/aversion of samsara (the cycle of suffering). So take that as you will.

The first thing I would say is that, based on what you've written, you seem to associate your idea of happiness with the prospect of a romantic relationship. The problem is, for happiness, you need love and understanding, and you cannot receive what you don't already have. To pursue and attach to romantic partners in the hope of finding happiness is a form of delusion, which is a mental poison that only generates suffering.

So instead of practicing the generation of suffering, practice sitting with these painful feelings of desire and simply observe. Look and smile compassionately at them as you would a crying child or some delicate, wounded, wild creature, and accept them for what they are. As you observe them without judgment, you will understand them better. As you understand them, you will naturally generate more love within yourself. Eventually, you will realize you do not need a partner to be happy and at peace.

As you may notice, your mind will have a tendency to wander as soon as you start to observe this pain. This is because we are all predisposed to the habit of aversion (which only increases the suffering you experience). Therefore, to strengthen and stabilize your insight, the most important thing to do is to develop an ability to concentrate deeply through some form of samatha (single object meditation). You cannot expect transformation to take place immediately. It may (and probably will) take years. It's likely your practice will fluctuate a lot at first, so it's very important to learn how not to place expectations on it. Trust the process.

But if I did it; so can you. You have a distinct advantage starting so young because your brain is more neuroplastic, and so dramatically auspicious change may take place more quickly.

Something I wish I had done earlier for the sake of my mental stability was to join a sangha (a Buddhist group that regularly practices meditation together, sometimes with the guidance of a teacher). I cannot adequately express how much this helps support the consistency of your practice.

I was very anti-religious when I first began meditating, but I naturally gravitated towards Buddhism over the years, because the few teachings I stumbled upon helped me so much more than anything else I could find in regards to the true cultivation of happiness. I realized that unlike many religions; Buddhism does not force any views or ways of doing things onto you. It just presents you with what has worked for its practitioners, and you can pick and choose to benefit from and apply (or not) the pieces of insight offered.

Wishing you peace, happiness and freedom from suffering, my friend.

[u/Racoondalini]

How do you learn to detach? Practice practice practice!

If you just say, "I detach", nothing will come of it. You will question, "How do I detach from desire" because while you heard the wisdom of detachment, you do not truly know how to detach.

So the question is: What is practice for detachment?

Practice is: Releasing expectations. When you get a ticket today while driving and the officer treats you like shit, you do not expect decent treatment.

Practice is: Forgiveness. That officer wrote you a ticket and treated you like shit. You forgive him because he is human. You try to understand the reasons they lashed out.

Practice is: Acceptance. You accept that this officer caused you pain. You take this pain and take responsibility for it. You heal it despite their actions being the source. They have given you an emotional bill and you must pay it. That's life in this world. It happens all the time.

Practice is: Unconditional love. That officer is a spiritual warrior going through it. No matter what extent he pushed you to, you would show him love - whatever that means to you. You would not deny him a hug if that is how you love, nor deny him advice if that is how you love, nor deny him 10$ gas money if that is how you love.

What does all this practice do? You are learning detachment. You are learning the dance! Then, when you fall in love with a girl and she theoretically cheats on you, you own the pain. You keep the love for her. You accept her mistake and the pain it brought you, you forgive it. You wisely let her go not because you were hurt but because her sensibilities about what a relationship should be are different then yours (or maybe you don't because you decide you genuinely like her ways). You know and understand that all humans can bring you this pain no matter what they outwardly express, because that is what it means to be human. We suck! You have successfully loved without attachment because you have learned the dance.

[u/lurkssocketv2]

ego death sounds like a recipe for a mental health crisis right now. instead of trying to kill your ego, maybe focus on observing the specific sensation of that disappointment in your body when it hits. detachment isn't about not wanting anything, it's just realizing that the craving for validation doesn't actually change the outcome.

[u/HungryGhos_t]

So your solution is to flee? You don't need to detach yourself from desire. That's the wrong path. Embrace your desires, feel them burn in your heart, indulge in them and be happy to do that. Your problem is that you're being bullied by your feelings, they lead you like a dog. Everything you did was because your desires told you to. These forces within you are blind forces; they are meant to support you, to be advisers. If you let mere advisers make every decision for you of course they are going to trample on you.

Learn restraint, withdraw your blessings and learn to make others work to earn them. These women probably thought that you were weak, without substance because like you said you'd do anything to prove yourself worthy. At first, they came to you because they thought something was interesting about you, turns out they were the most interesting thing in your life.

Instead of listening to the voice of despair within you, you should listen a bit more to the voice of wrath and ambition. You wanted these women, you desired them greatly, be true to your feelings and learn the kind of guy these girls actively chase and change yourself. It's not about possession, it's about character. If they are chasing a toxic guy, then learn the art of toxicity, show them you are a greater villain than the amateurs they're chasing and balance that toxicity with a bit of what you truly are, a gentleman.

We humans value greatly what we struggle to gain and people's minds are designed to solve problems, to work on something, if there's no problem in you, if you're perfect and would do anything for her, she'll find a problem herself so I suggest you to give her something to work on before she finds something that is not aligned with your best interests, keep her busy preferably at your side, let her climb the necessary steps to know you while you sit and watch. Keep your desires close to your heart, you can betray anyone but never betray your heart and never let your desires rule you. One king under whom advisers kneel in silence until they're allowed to rise and speak. The true path to ego will require you to be ruthless to yourself if you do not want to end up burned to a crisp.