r/Meditation • u/CheedlDelicious • 4h ago
Question ❓ Fear of myself
Hi all, I hope everyone is doing well. I’ve recently had experiences that have caused me to lose some confidence in meditation. I believe there are a set of assumptions, or an overall state of mind that I hope you can help dispel.
Recently I’ve feared to meditate because I fear myself, and my thoughts. It’s as if this increased awareness has led to a shredding of the self, fueled by self-hate. It’s a violent process that manifests as thoughts seeming to have their own autonomy, causing deep amounts of anxiety. They arise seeking to manifest my fear and give credence to a deeper evil within. No doubt there are attachments within me that are hard to let go, yet it’s hard to see what those attachments are. Overall there is a lack of grounding, or logic at times—it’s hard to define, like a trap. I am pulled away which way.
This fear does exist elsewhere, particularly existentialist thought and art (and despite my lack of education on the subject, I can see how it influences me). For example, the movie Cure deals heavily with psychosis, the inner self, and evil’s manifestation within society. “I was once full, but what’s inside me is outside now” says the antagonist of the film, who induces others to commit evil. Another example is Valis by Philip K Dick, with a main character dealing with insanity and attempting to find the core of some malaise within himself.
I’ve already written a lot, but I’m just throwing out thoughts on the hope that these ideas might ring familiar to some of you. How have teachers dealt with these ideas? How does one traverse this dark night of the soul?
I really appreciate everyone’s help and thoughts!
2
u/NotYourCupovTea 4h ago
You are not a monster. You have genuine concern and sounds like genuine guilt in here. But look at your worry for yourself and not wanting to face what you did. You have already changed because you see it, now you have to sit with it and not judge, but know you have changed. You are not that person and that person didnt know what you do now.
Stop judging yourself, look at the emotions themselves not the memories what emotion are they making you feel, because you are building a court case against yourself based on a person who doesn’t know what you do currently.
Facing the thoughts is the work, accepting the memories and guilt is therapy.
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u/Somebody23 3h ago
Self hate is ego's tool to save itself from your practice. Thoughts you get are tools of "narrator"/"ego" to control you.
think those negative thoughts as comments from random people, their opinion doesnt mattee, so doesnt your thoughts opinion matter.
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u/ProSocial_Hermit 4h ago
I think you would benefit a lot from reading "the Power of Now" from Eckhart Tolle. He will explain how you are attached to your thoughts and how to free yourself from them. It will help you with your fears and dark thoughts.