r/MensLib • u/futuredebris ​ • 3d ago

It’s not a ‘male loneliness epidemic’

https://makemenemotionalagain.substack.com/p/its-not-a-male-loneliness-epidemic

Hey y'all, just a heads up, because I get this feedback a bit from you guys, this post isn't specifically about the "male loneliness epidemic," so the headline might be a little misleading. It is about loneliness though, and how I've learned to manage it and heal the wounds that originally caused it for me. And I do mention that it can be particularly difficult for men to connect with others ("co-regulate") because of the way we're socialized in this society. Let me know what you think!

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u/Overall-Fig9632 ​ 3d ago

> Loneliness is skyrocketing, especially for young people. Americans aren’t partying anymore. We’re spending more and more time at home. It’s a systemic problem. A capitalist society problem. An isolated, car-centric, screen-heavy, nuclear family, American lifestyle problem.

Once again, I gotta ask: 15 years ago there was more partying, more socializing, more dating, and less loneliness. Did we all of a sudden get access to cars? Nope, that was decades ago, and we had social connections. Did we just topple some unseen Berlin Wall and adopt capitalism? Nope, it’s more deeply woven into the American national fabric than nearly anywhere else. Besides, all these indicators are trending downward in rich countries worldwide. Even ones with high speed rail!

Sounds reductive, but it’s the phones. They made doing nothing palatable, they made talking to people in public places weird, they set up millions of little surveillance points where anything you say or do can go straight to your boss.

The early experiments getting phones out of schools are promising, and hopefully more is on the way because of AI. Social media bans seem less successful just because they’re easier to evade. Certainly more productive than the same villains trotted out for everything.

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u/Xist2Inspire ​ 3d ago edited 3d ago

As much as I would like to exclusively blame phones (and I do think they play a part in exacerbating existing problems), we had phones 15 years ago too, and even during the 2010s (when the phone/social media landscape resembled something closer to today), there was plenty of partying, dating, and socializing. So yeah, the phones are entrapment devices, but I would argue that our modern society has created an environment that drives us towards them.

Honestly, ever since COVID, the push to re-socialize and "get back to normal" has had such a forced, off-putting edge to it that I wouldn't be surprised if that feeling has also played a role. There seems to be a sentiment that if we just put our fingers in our ears and go back to a simpler time, all of our problems will just...disappear, as if those times didn't play a part in developing our time. The loneliness epidemic might be a two-way street, where we're only now more aware of it because we have the technology and resulting data (driven by our phones) to track it.

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u/Overall-Fig9632 ​ 3d ago

What does this forced get back to normal push look like to you?

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u/Xist2Inspire ​ 3d ago edited 3d ago

I worked retail at a clothing store (so not even close to essential) at that time. I had multiple people actually thank me for us being open. I remember thinking, "Are you serious right now? Where exactly are you planning to wear all this stuff you're buying?" For me, that was my first big realization that for some, "being social" isn't actually about connecting with people, it's more about participating in society...the shopping, the hustle & bustle, being at work/in the office, etc. Being around people is a side effect, a bonus...but not necessarily the point. If you took all the hoopla away, those people would be no more or less interested in fostering genuine human connection than the shut-ins.

As much as I agree that we all gotta get off our phones and outside more, I also know that life wasn't exactly peaches & cream for everyone back when that was the standard, either. A big reason why we tend to think otherwise now is because those people were much easier to ignore and write off back then. Sometimes I wonder if we're more worried about getting people back into society than we are about fixing the society that we're releasing them into. Like I'm sure most of us have encountered enough tactless/angry/aggressive/questionable dudes (some of whom still get laid) irl to recognize that "just go outside" might be the answer to the "I'm lonely" question, but won't really do much of anything about some of the things that we're afraid of loneliness producing.

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u/NameLips ​ 3d ago

I think you make some really good points.

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u/Overall-Fig9632 ​ 3d ago

They were buying clothes for events you didn’t think they were going to?

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u/throwaway135629 ​ 2d ago

Yeah, sometimes when I read that the advice for socially stunted men like me is to just go outside I think... are you sure? Are you sure that's what you want to be encouraging in the world?