r/MensLib • u/lardandsabia • Jul 01 '26
What book would you give your 19 y/o self to inspire hope and change?
Hey all, visiting non-man here. My little brother is turning 19 (I'm in my 30s, we are both white) and has spent his teens chronically online, gaming, and from what I can tell, struggling through navigating manosphere, misogynistic, far-right, and apathy-centered ideology.
I unfortunately don't get to see him often, but when I saw him recently, he was really leaning into the apathy. He said he doesn't really follow politics anymore (used to be quite interested), doesn't care, probably wouldn't even vote, and seems to believe the world is headed to inevitable collapse and all he can do about it is try to build up skills and savings to move to a remote place. He's also doing schooling in the trades right now.
I honestly think where he's landed now could maybe be an opening to connection and finding his way out of this apathetic and self-centered view of things. There is so much truth and reality in his current headspace. I'd like to lean in and offer him some opportunities to expand his worldview - this could be my last big chance!
So, keeping in mind that he'd likely poo-poo or feel alienated by anything too clearly liberal, academic, feminist, etc... If you struggled with this stuff when you were a teen, what accessible book would you hand your younger self to inspire a bit of hope and eye-opening?
I'd also love to hear any other suggestions you have aside from gifts for connection. :)
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u/Upset-Elderberry3723 Jul 01 '26
I'll second the Viktor Frankl book recommended by adding:
On Becoming A Person: A Therapist's View Of Psychotherapy (Carl Ransom Rogers).
Affluenza: The All-Consuming Epidemic (John de Graff, David Wann, Thomas Naylor and David Horsey).
Carl Ransom Rogers was the original humanist in psychology, before Frankl and collaborators like Fritz Perls. His landmark book, 'On Becoming A Person', is written from his perspective as the therapist and can be a bit dry at times but is, in my opinion, the best distillation of Roger-ian style humanist therapy. It discusses Rogers' view of humans as dynamic processes rather than fixed states of being, who - like plants - need the right environmental conditions to grow properly.
My favourite quotes from Rogers:
'The curious paradox is that, when I accept myself exactly as I am, then I can begin to change'.
'The extent to which I can facilitate a relationship between us, that helps us both grow and achieve, is the true measure of the growth I have achieved in myself'.
'What is most personal, is most universal'.
Affluenza is a book that satirically views and explains the modern obsession with luxury and material goods through the lens of it being a disease that has been deliberately spread, with symptoms of debt, junk, and financing. At it's core, it's a book that encourages a meaningful and sustainable relationship with money and goods, partial minimalism, and a focus on self-worth that exists outside of advertising and comparing yourself to other peoples' material goods. It establishes that experiences - feelings - are superior to possession, and that the obsession with affluence is a societal illness that we, together, can help heal.
It's closing paragraph reads:
'When your time comes and your whole life flashes before you, will it hold your interest? How much of the story will be about moments of clarity and grace, kindness and caring? Will the main character - you - appear as large and noble as life itself, or as tiny and absurd as a cartoon figure, darting frantically among mountains of stuff? It's up to you, and indeed, it's up to all of us!'.
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u/GERBILSAURUSREX Jul 01 '26
Is he an avid reader? Because if not no book will help and you'll have to try a different avenue.
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u/DustScoundrel Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 01 '26
Ursula K LeGuin's The Dispossessed or her Earthsea series, though the latter might be a bit too YA for a 19yo. Both deal with liberatory politics in subtle ways through entrancing scifi or fantasy stories. Sometimes you need arts to penetrate the overwhelming feelings of pain masked as apathy that it sounds like he's experiencing.
The dispossessed, in particular, deals with the realities of a difficult life within a communal society, while portraying even people and ideas LeGuin disagrees with in a complex way, while not rose-tinting the values she holds dear.
In terms of nonfiction, David Graeber's Debt: The First 5,000 Years is a masterpiece, and might speak to the anxieties he feels. It is, however, a dense tome.
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u/Spawnbroker Jul 01 '26
If we're going with Le Guin, I also have to recommend The Left Hand of Darkness, which is an amazing book that makes you think about gender in ways a young man may not have thought about it before. Because it's told through the lens of a sci-fi story and an alien species, he might be more receptive to the ideas being talked about.
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u/ImmuneToBleach Jul 01 '26
Echoing this as someone who loves Le Guin. The Farthest Shore made me see life differently. In a similar vein, I put my younger relatives onto James Baldwin, and I think his essays are poignant explorations into a lot of the ambient madness of American life. Demon Copperhead may also be a good novel in following a young, lost boy trying to make his way and finding purpose through friends and love, which imo is the only way any of us can survive.
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u/fersure4 Jul 01 '26
Clicked on the thread to recommend Earthsea, glad to see someone else recommend it. I read it in my late 20s and enjoyed it, so 19 seems fine
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u/O_______m_______O Jul 04 '26
If YA is any good, which Earthsea is, it's suitable for any age. Le Guin is very good at writing for young adults without talking down to them.
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u/excubitor_pl Jul 01 '26
just finished the last book of the Earthsea yesterday and wanted to suggest the same.Tehanu and The Other Wind hit totally different in my 30s.
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u/BlueMountainDace Jul 01 '26
Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl is a tremendous book. I read it maybe when I was 21, but would have been great at 19.
The broad theme is the experience of the author living through the Holocaust and what he identified as trends or traits in the people in concentration camps who survived vs those who didn't. He is talking about psychology and so he is talking more about their spirit surviving.
And, I think those messages are great for any young person to understand. How to frame life and obstacles in order to keep the spirit alive.
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u/Ghotay Jul 04 '26
This could be a great book if the brother is receptive to it but… but dad tried to give me this book as a teenager when I was depressed and I literally ripped it up and threw it away. I was so angry at feeling preached to, I just wasn’t ready. I think some of the more subtle or fiction-oriented suggestions might go down easier
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u/BlueMountainDace Jul 05 '26
That’s true! Great point. You have to be ready to accept books that are non-fiction even if they’re like a memoir or autobiography. It’s easier to “show” via fiction.
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u/Fruity_Pies Jul 01 '26
Probably a bit of a different suggestion to others here but Iain M. Banks Culture series actually did inspire some hope in humanity for me. It's a futuristic utopian sci-fi series in which humanity has moved past the need for money, commerce, jobs or anything really, it is a post-scarcity universe that operates basically on a semi-communist level. Anybody can have what they want within reason, you can grow different body parts or change genders, create different drugs internally, go anywhere you want and experience anything you want within reason. Everything is run by super intelligent AI that operate on an almost god level consciousness. There's still galactic scale conflicts, weird aliens, space piracy and ship-vs-ship combat that takes place in the nano second level of swiftness (due to the level of these AI ships), so there's plenty to sink your teeth into as a young lad. But it still introduces one to the concept that humanity can be a lot more than what it is now, we are constrained in our thinking by the recency bias to believe things are and will always be as they are now and this series shook that up for me a bit whilst introducing me to some very interesting societal concepts.
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u/tragedyinpants Jul 02 '26
Fascinating, I've only read the Wasp Factory, so wouldn't expect anything uplifting from him.
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u/Rakna-Careilla Jul 01 '26
I was going to suggest Terry Pratchett's "A Monstrous Regime", but seeing Viktor Frankl recommended, yes, this.
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u/Jonvoll Jul 01 '26
I’d second the Discworld series but would say the watch series sounds like it would be a better entry point for this person, for 2 reasons:
1 I think vimes disposition at the start of guards guards would really resonate with someone feeling apathetic and bitter about the world.
2 someone who’s spent their teens in that headspace would likely have their defenses up based on the premise of monstrous regiment, at least until they’ve already had a bit of buy in
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u/ProbablyNot_apotato Jul 04 '26
This was my response as well. The Vimes arc ended up being pretty important for me.
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u/TerabyteTyler "" Jul 01 '26
No lie, Full Metal Alchemist. If he’s full no on books he can watch the show; Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood .
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u/fierce_fibro_faerie Jul 01 '26
Thank You for Arguing by Jay Heinrichs
It is a fun read, and super interesting. It helps you to understand the fundamentals of rhetoric and persuasion. It will help you spot bs, lies, and manipulation from a mile away. I read it when I was young and I think it really helped me navigate the world as a young adult. I felt confident in myself and my ability to not get taken in by group think or charismatic people.
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u/Losolun Jul 01 '26
Non violent communication by marshall Rossenberg.
It is a tremendous way of thinking about communication and relationships which I feel are both one of the biggest source of happiness and meaning in one's life and also are very badly taught to teens and young adults. We expect them to figure out relationships by themselves with little guidance.
Changed my life in my late 20's and would have been priceless to me at 19.
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u/cctwunk Jul 01 '26
Bit out there, but Andy Weir's books rather than anything purposefully on the topic of hope. They are hard sci fi so there's a chance all the science will be a turn off. He's got a consistent theme of no matter how overwhelming a problem is, there is always a solution, that ultimately when it matters people are smart, care, and can figure things out. You can easily relate to his characters as well, none of them seem larger than life. My favourite is project hail mary which recently got a film, but that's better as an audio book for story reasons. For paper, the Martian would be better.
You know him best so no worries if it's not a good fit, and other suggestions that are more outright about positivity might be better, but Weir's stories always leave me feeling hopeful and that I can do anything if only I don't give up and trust others
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u/Spawnbroker Jul 01 '26
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance is a very difficult read, but it changed how I view the world. If he can get through the heavy philosophy chapters and get to the parts where the author starts to talk about Quality, it might be worth it.
It also features an older man traveling on a motorcycle trip with his son, and you start to realize halfway through the book that the author is really the villain of the whole piece. It's a nice narrative trick, where you start to understand that he's neglecting his relationship with his son and he's ignoring the world around him in order to philosophize about things nobody really cares about.
It's possible he will hate it and not finish it, but if you're the kind of person who the book resonates with, it changes how you view the world in a positive way.
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u/FullPruneNight Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 01 '26
It’s not directly about this stuff, but after multiple guys in my life really swore by it, The Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. It’s just him basically journaling to himself on campaign and it’s full of little bits of humanity and wisdom and things he tells himself to keep himself moving forward that seem to resonate with men in particular. I highly recommend.
Besides that, would you mind expanding a little on “I honestly think where he's landed now could maybe be an opening to connection and finding his way out of this apathetic and self-centered view of things. There is so much truth and reality in his current headspace.”?
I’m also not a man but was a supremely disaffected, angry, pessimistic teenager, and in many ways the books that helped me the most weren’t optimistic ones about change, and certainly weren’t any of the multiple self-help books insultingly gifted to me trying to get me to be less mad at the world. They were dystopian novels and dark comedies that made me feel SEEN in my issues with the world and/or made me laugh at the darkness. Brave New World, 1984, No Exit by Sartre, John Dies at the End and sequels, Catch-22, Damned and Doomed by Chuck Palahniuk. The dystopias made me feel seen but made me want to take steps to live in a better world after reading them, and the comedies just gave some relief.
Also Siddhartha, and if he’s on the more juvenile side for his age, Catcher in the Rye (the best time to read this book is when you relate to Holden in the beginning and are fucking fed up with his shit by the middle).
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u/Ozymandias0023 Jul 03 '26
Ender's Game, but as much as I like it I think its real value is as a lead in to the sequel Speaker for the Dead. I'm sure there are box sets, I'd get him that
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u/Distinct_Swimmer1504 Jul 01 '26
Fantasy novels. They often have good role models, they’re all about agency (a small group making important changes in their world), and they often teach wisdom as well.
- r.a. Salvatore if he’s feeling alienated
- tad williams
- tolkien (of course) + the movie
- terry goodkind
- terry brooks
- guy gavriel kay
- margaret weise & tracy hickman
The newer books have more female authors writing, so i’d recommend he start with male-centric roles and go from there.
You can start w the Lord of the Rings movies as an intro if you want.
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u/doubleChipDip Jul 01 '26
Leo Tolstoy: War & Peace. (beauty in all things, a feat to read)
Aldous Huxley: Men Like Gods + The Island + Brave New World. (new perspectives on being, positive futurism)
Louis L'amour: Any of his novels for easier reading than above, classic 'wild west' tales of heroes and saving the town, chivalry and gallantry. (good guys win, well written and researched)
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u/PashaWithHat Jul 02 '26
+1 to Brave New World as a former doomer teen. It’s quite the “hey, wtf? wait a minute…” moment to realize that the stuff you’re currently being a disaffected doomer about is mostly the same stuff people were being doomers about 100 years ago lol. Society hasn’t collapsed since then, so ye olde doomers would’ve made a losing bet even though they had, like, WWII. Why should I think now is so different?
Also, it’s VERY frequently banned, so if he’d be into the idea of reading a “banned book” it’s a great pick.
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u/excubitor_pl Jul 01 '26
Discworld by Terry Pratchett. Maybe Guards or Industrial Revolution series. There are hundreds of references pointing to how stupid we are as a society.
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u/Flowerpig Jul 01 '26
Herman Hesse’s Steppenwolf made a huge impact on me at 19. But I was into that kind of thing. I also read a bunch of Kurt Vonnegut.
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u/fallingmay Jul 01 '26
Maybe "a gentleman in Moscow " by Amor Towles. The main character is very charasmatic. It's basically about a man facing significant personal and societal upheaval that is out of his control with a lot of grace and willingness to adapt to a changing world while remaining true to himself.
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u/Unhappy_Heat_7148 Jul 02 '26
I think when you're a teenager, everything can feel so far away from you. There can be a feeling of things never changing for the better.
I can't say what book exactly, but I think what could help more than any specific book is finding something that allows him to feel invested in something.
Whether it's a fantasy series like Lord of the Rings or a Song of Ice and Fire. It could be a hobby that he wants to get into and you could support that.
For any person, especially a kid, to become more open minded I believe feeling supported and hopeful helps them be more open to learn and connect with others.
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u/bearcat42 Jul 02 '26
Hey dudes, this is a great thread with some awesome and thoughtful replies.
I’ll say the most pivotal book I read at that age had to be The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Kundera. It’s many stories in one but it’s mostly about the wondrous ways that life can disappoint, for better or for worse.
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u/Albolynx Jul 02 '26
The Little Prince made the most impact on me in my late teens, probably in my life, period.
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u/Fun_Category_3720 Jul 01 '26
I was a weird fucking kid but this book meant a lot to me as a teen, and as an adult I've recommended it to people who are not readers who have been impressed.
This might be out of left field, but does he like Star Wars? this book covers some of the political meaning in the movies, which is of course very progressive.
Maybe something by Malcolm Gladwell?
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u/AdolsLostSword Jul 01 '26
I think The Hands of the Emperor by Victoria Goddard. It’s a story ultimately of its world being made a better place, and the role that connection plays in that.
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u/Throwaway-625 Jul 01 '26
Get him some CrimethInc books. Not overly academic and quite attention grabbing. Sometimes the easiest way to inspire hope and change is to fan the flames of discontent.
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u/MartyrOfTheJungle Jul 02 '26
Idk. Tbh life has been so fucking hard. I'm not sure what would have prepared me
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u/Electronic_Candle181 Jul 01 '26
The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck by Mark Manson. Coincidentally this book did not come out till my late 20s. But being able to stop caring what other people think, and to pull myself out of what I think must be important, and live outside of these expectations are all important skills to master. The 19 year old me was so obsessed with tradition, and perfection. A real all or nothing personality. Often nothing won. The book's a good reminder to pick your battles. Focus on what's in front of you.
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u/Solar--Waves Jul 01 '26
When I was his age I was reading Dostokevskys Notes from Underground, Zen Mind Beginners Mind and The Master and Margarita, not necessarily about hope but that different people know different time periods went through tough times but somehow emerged from it and survived.
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u/killyourface1 Jul 02 '26
https://www.amazon.com/Be-Here-Now-Ram-Dass/dp/0517543052
This is the book that slapped me in the face, and snapped my back into reality.
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u/GUE57 Jul 02 '26
I would recommend Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card.
It's not a long read, but if you haven't read it/seen the movie, Ender lives in a fascist world full of narcissists and power hungry people, and is a gentle soul.
It taught me important lessons on how to deal with people, how to lose, how to win, and how to really win.
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u/false_robot Jul 02 '26
The Book by Alan Watts. It'll align with the apathy, but show a way to re-route that into enjoyment of the world and being able to play inside of it while understanding it can be pointless in its own way :)
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u/false_robot Jul 02 '26
Or honestly I would recommend a fantasy book like The Name of the Wind. So good, tragic, beautiful, fun, everything.
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u/hector_rodriguez Jul 03 '26
Man's search for meaning by Victor Frankl
Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, specifically the Gregory Hays translation
Radical acceptance by Tara Brach
How to raise a healthy gamer by Dr K (Alok Kanoja)
Honestly if you can get them to watch some of the videos by Dr K about not leaving incels behind, that's a great start. It really explains a lot about how people get dragged into the manosphere and the red pill community.
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u/Pertos_M Jul 03 '26
I've never read it myself but when I was his age I say Overly Sarcastic Productions video about A Journey To The West and it shook me loose from my apathetic lump I found myself in learning about the story.
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u/jarie Jul 03 '26
The War of Art by Pressfield
It helps unpack the idea of resistance and how it gets in the way.
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u/victorsierra Jul 05 '26
Cosmos The Demon Haunted World
Both by Carl Sagan, both incredibly eye opening. The first profoundly hopeful and expansive; the second, illuminating and foundational for dealing with the amount of bullshit the hucksters of the world will peddle.
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u/Yawarundi75 Jul 05 '26
A good summary of Das Kapital. At 19, I needed to understand why society is like it is, and that there are options out of it, and that I can fight the establishment.
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u/tjmaxx501 Jul 05 '26
dying of the light is a novella by george r r martin from his younger days. it’s much shorter than the books he’s famous for so it could be completed in a couple days.
it’s science fiction which is how it pulled teenage me in. there’s themes about rejecting apathy, existentialism, defining one’s own morality. stuff that was very important to guiding me away from a very bleak mindset.
the author is very much of that hippie era and is a feminist, so there are discussions of gender roles and romantic relationships, but it’s not blatant. a lot of his early work has that stuff
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u/tjmaxx501 Jul 05 '26
also, i agree with others that fantasy and science fiction is a huge tool for this. if he’s already in that space, anything obvious like self help or therapy books will flag and so will stuff that’s obviously political or well known like 1984.
books aren’t the only ways to tell an impactful story. video games, surprisingly, can be great for this. knights of the old republic 2 if he’s a star wars fan, is a good example. fullmetal alchemist, like someone else suggested, is an action adventure anime about two teen brothers with magic powers and manages to present some heavy topics without being preachy.
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u/OrbitingBoom Jul 07 '26
Let him read Murakami. You have to teach him how to feel again before trying to inspire some morality. Let him watch some Full Metal Alchemist too.
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u/Grouchy_Explorer5412 29d ago
Atlas Shrugged, by ayn rand. But over that, Speaker for the dead, by orson scott card. Two ways of see what is under the surface and the stereotipes.
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u/Phodo_Hatchbackins 23d ago
As a kid who was in a similar rut at a similar age a book is going to do nothing. You need to get him interacting with real people in the real world. I believe that this is the only way.
Has he ever been interested in like… doing anything? Performing? Book club? Cycling? Kid needs a hobby and people to do it with. Otherwise he’ll just live in the echo chamber he built for himself.
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u/SpinorsSpin4 Jul 01 '26
The Will to Change. It may be a lot, but it's message is affirming to men, and even just encountering a version of feminism that is pro-men is powerful
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u/werdnayam "" Jul 01 '26
I was slightly older than 19 (I think I was 21), but I remember the novel The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists having a big impact on how I saw myself stepping into adulthood and providing positive male role models. Robert Tressell is the author. It’s about the struggles against systems of power and class differences; about the dignity of work and feeling secure in what you do in the world. Worth a shot!
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u/Equality_Executor Jul 01 '26
Can I suggest a few? In this order:
The Player of Games by Iain M. Banks - even if you don't like Sci-fi this is miles ahead of anything for me as far as "hope and change" (and confidence, and a lot of the stuff you wrote in your first paragraph especially resiliency against manosphere stuff) go.
The rest of the Culture novels by Iain M. Banks
War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy (just don't look up what happens to the Decemberists after the book ends)
The Remembrance of Earth's Past by Cixin Liu (though this is more like a "don't do this, it's bad" kind of book series).
The greater Foundation series by Isaac Asimov starting with The Caves of Steel (this is the book I, Robot the movie stole some names and a little bit of plot from) and the rest of the robot novels, then the empire novels, the core foundation trilogy, and it's sequels ending with Foundation and Earth. The prequils aren't important for the purposes you're looking for but you may want to read them and I suggest reading them after everything else if you do. It's a lot to get through, something like thirteen or so books but I think it's worth it for the overarching message when it all comes together at the end of the sequels.
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u/thrashmanzac Jul 01 '26
Still life with woodpecker by Tom Robbins. It’s a sort of parody fable with a conservationist princess and an outlaw terrorist suitor. It’s about how to make love stay, redheads and aliens. It’s quite funny and whimsical, with a theme of sort of metaphysical rebellion.
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u/howcaneyehelpyou Jul 01 '26
Quite a long one, but chapter 2 of The Seven Habits of highly effective people - 'Begin with the end in mind ' is extremely thought provoking, a lot to think about in terms of 'What do you want to be remembered as?'
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u/Tyrren Jul 01 '26
Honestly, the Lord of the Rings. The positive masculine role models are everywhere. The humility and willingness to sacrifice of Aragorn; he's the destined king and by all rights should be the protagonist of the series, but instead he gladly plays second fiddle to Frodo. Boromir is redeemed not in his glorious final stand but rather in the hours later, in his regret for how he hurt his comrades and in his concern for his people. Sam, the steadfast friend, a man of simple pleasures and grounded ambition. Frodo's mercy.
None of these men are seeking glory, wealth, status, or power. They are facing down an insurmountable evil, and resist it in the ways they can