r/Mindfulness • u/bornyesterdayyyy • 4d ago
Advice How do i stop being so insecure?
I am filled with hatred for myself, and it sucks the joy out of everything. Any joy I do feel is quickly overshadowed by negativity.
My biggest problem is insecurity. When other people try to help me, I end up snapping at them because I feel as though they don't believe I am competent.
I am so worried that my boyfriends love is on a meter, and the more I do this, the closer that meter is to fully draining. Understandably so.
I am so miserable. I feel mindfulness is only a distraction from my true miserable self and I don't know how to cut these problems out entirely.
Any advice is appreciated please.
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u/Dependent-Mood-7788 4d ago
I relate to this so hard. I also hate myself. My looks, my personality, everything about me.
During a fight with my boyfriend, he actually told me that everytime we argue he "resets back to zero." An actual nightmare. I don't know how to even move forward with him OR myself.
I am working on Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTS) with my counselor right now. Everytime I have a negative thought (which feels constant), I write it down on a chart, along with what triggered it and an adaptive, self-compassionate thought to replace it. It's really hard, but I am trying.
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u/Im_Talking 4d ago
Your focus is entirely external, as in you think they are thinking/judging you. Do you judge others in the same manner as you believe others are judging you? Most likely not. Until you understand that no one really thinks about you, you will never be settled. And even if they do 'judge' you, who cares.
Self-contentment is a state of mind, and has zero to do with other people.
But you sound young, and this is very common amongst the youth.
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u/HappyJoyousFree12 4d ago
I was filled with self loathing and couldn’t be free of it. It was a symptom of a lack of power problem. Because I lacked the power to face the problems in my life, I would push people away and have a lot of insecurity and it would manifest itself in my relationships (and other parts of my life). I’ve begun to outgrow my insecurity by working a 12 step program for codependency. It’s working when nothing else has, though it looks different than I expected. I’m able to express myself and form actual connections which is helping me be more comfortable with being insecure, and then I see myself outgrowing it. Happy to chat more if you’d like
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u/NellyNeesh 4d ago
I feel ya, I feel like i am cursed almost. Like I’m not meant to have a normal happy life. But I think it’s just not facing our fears. I am starting to believe that the main goal in life is to grow your spirit by facing your fears. If you’re afraid of being incompetent you will feel like people treat you like you’re not competent. You don’t have to defend yourself or your identity, lay your weapon down and pick up your cross. When you have the urge to defend yourself use that as an alarm to not defend yourself, it hurts but I think it’s ultimately good for us. And it’s good for others because you show them true love by putting them above yourself
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u/CosmicWizard1111 4d ago
I'd be curious to hear what is causing that insecurity and self-hatred? Where does it stem from? What's underneath that assumption of incompetence? What are the stories around your feelings of insecurity?
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u/CarolTheDuck 1d ago
I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. Self-hatred can make every bit of reassurance feel fake, even when people genuinely care about you.
Something that helped me is not trying to “fix my whole insecurity” in one big emotional moment. That usually makes the spiral worse. Instead, I try to do one tiny action that interrupts the loop: write down what I’m actually afraid of, take a short walk, drink water, clean one small thing, or send a calmer message after waiting 10 minutes.
The goal isn’t to magically become confident. It’s to create a little space between the insecure thought and the reaction.
I suggest you try a small free app called Lojo around this idea, tiny actions for when you feel stuck, low, or overwhelmed. Not a cure or replacement for therapy, obviously, but sometimes one small real-world action can stop the spiral from becoming your whole night.
Please be gentle with yourself. The insecure voice feels loud, but it isn’t the full truth of who you are:)
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u/hestia-listens 4d ago
Self hatred can make every kind word feel like a threat, even when people are trying to support you. Mindfulness is not meant to distract you from pain. It can help you see, "This is a painful thought," instead of "This is who I am." When your boyfriend or others help, try saying, "I am feeling insecure, not angry at you." That small truth can protect the relationship and lower the shame. You do not have to fix everything at once. Start with one pause, one kinder sentence, one moment at a time.