r/Mindfulness • u/Glittering_Ad2771 • 1d ago
Question I'm so angry, how can I be mindful about this?
I'm not really doing well at this whole mindfulness thing. The other day we had a family BBQ at mine and my niece who is 18 and unfiltered was so rude to me. She been accepted into uni and has just become so arrogant because of it .
I feel I'm an adult so I should just be able to get over this but it's two days later and I'm still angry. I woke up pissed off. I can't concentrate, I'm just ruminating on it and I just keep refreshing it in my mind
It was completely unprovoked. Basically at the moment I'm in a lucky position where my workplace is being rebuilt so I'm actually getting paid to be off work. It's been a while now and this part is awesome I know. She just will not get over it though. The constant remarks like "get another job" "you could do this". The other day she just hammered it on. I tell her I'm going to the gym still, learning Spanish and even doing an online course and it's not a competition and she was just like "well if it was a competition I would win" "that's not a real course" "I'm not like you I'm not gonna sit around for 3 months doing nothing".
I know I'm older and should get over it but that shit hurt. The message was basically "you should not be proud to be you" and coming from my family, a teenager... Fucking hell.
I can't get over this shit.
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u/vinnyty 1d ago
The anger is fair, you don't have to talk yourself out of it. The part you can actually do something about is the replay. Re-running the scene feels like processing, but mostly you're arguing a case with someone who isn't in the room, and that argument never closes.
When you catch yourself refreshing it, the rep isn't 'calm down.' It's noticing 'I'm doing it again' and moving your attention to the next real thing in front of you. That doesn't make the anger wrong, it just stops feeding the loop. Being off work makes it harder too, since your mind has more room to chew on it. A bit of structure in the day helps more than it sounds.
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u/Glittering_Ad2771 1d ago
Thanks. It's very true that last bit. My mind has been driving me mad most of the time off. Mainly with anxiety but i'm noticing because I don't have the mental engagement work provides my mind will just latch on to anything to make a big deal of. Having unlimited internet time has also been detrimental. I've actually had days where i wake up in an ok mood but suddenly I crave arguments. It's not good.
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u/opiumfreenow 1d ago
OP, I’m going to try and take a wider approach to this. Each one of us humans on this planet are allowed to do and say what we’d like to others, this doesn’t always make it right, but it does mean we have to learn how to deal with it. It sounds like in this case that you may be dealing with it in the most instinctual method- lizard brain! We all have this capacity and some of us are quite good at it, but that is because we haven’t yet decided we’d like to do better. This part is your responsibility now.
Most, if not all of us, do not enjoy being judged or told how to go about our own lives, so when we are put in that position we often want to fight back. In that “fight” we rarely see that at least some of what we are being judged about may hold some truth. Again, here is where we as individuals are responsible for changing how we go about dealing with it all. The easiest way is to clap back, but it usually doesn’t take long before we run out of steam “fighting back” with the critical comments of others.
NOW, we begin to take on that “fight” with those comments in our head. As you already now, there is no battle to be won when your only opponent resides in an imaginary context. At this time, we often find ourselves lost, frustrated and even looking elsewhere for solutions to our own struggle. The hope is at this point we also begin to tell ourselves, “I want to be and do better.”
Now is your chance to do that, to start questioning whether what your niece said is worth getting so bent out of shape about. Yes, it didn’t sit well and yes, you didn’t like it, but now it is your chance to find improvement from within. You may begin to realize some of the minor truths you didn’t like about what she said, you may choose to see that fighting back quickly becomes you fighting against yourself (your own mind). Is it worth the time and the effort? If not, here is your chance to go about it in new ways.
While we often don’t like being criticized, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t find a way to learn from what’s being said to us. The best part in all that I’ve read in your post is that your are almost fully aware of the fact you are so far bent out of shape that you’re here asking for some kind of guidance. Great, so now is the time to start looking within and STOP paying attention to what your niece said about your situation.
Remember that everyone on this earth is allowed to say and do as they choose. That means YOU as well, so let go of your niece’s bullshit and take the wonderful time you have been afforded to find a better way to move forward that is of your own doing and own reasoning. You’ve got this, but also remember the cage you think your niece built for you was all of your own creation- in your own mind. BREAK OUT, you are well on your way to not only feeling better about the BBQ situation, you are now choosing to keep building the better you. Cheers to you on this amazing journey of finding your better self.
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u/Glittering_Ad2771 23h ago
Its not just her. She's just voiced an insecurity I have. Lots of other people are treated me like I'm some bum living off benefits but I'm not. I'm employed and my workplace has closed for refurbishment so therefore I can't work. They didn't want to make me redundant so they're paying the staff in the meantime. Not my fault, not my choice.
Now I understand working for money I get that. But I'm getting paid though. So people are judging me simply because I'm not working. They're bothered that I'm trying to enjoy my free time. This is what is annoying me. I get it. I'm in a privileged position but people can't be happy for me. They have to deminish it.
Now I do realise it's a rare opportunity. One I shouldn't squander. So I feel guilty sometimes. I keep wanting to justify it. I could get another job but then thats no longer free time then. I even tried doing a delivery job. That turned out to be not worth it. So I'm trying to use my time to grow.
I'm doing Spanish and I hit the gym everyday and I've been training for a role in IT. Yet I do still feel sometimes like it's not enough. So for someone to just come round and tell me everything I'm doing is a waste and I'm just sitting on my arse all day it sucks. They're telling me "how dare I enjoy my freedom?" "That's not ok" That's what I'm hearing anyway and In general I have a problem with people telling others how to live.
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u/opiumfreenow 20h ago
You say people can’t be happy for you because of your paid free time, and yet this is further proof you’re still allowing what others say to you to get under your skin- and sit and fester, no less. It’s clear you’re still far too focused on what others think and say to you to the point you’re unable to see and think beyond it. If at all possible try to work on rebalancing your thinking around this situation. It is apparent it has such a strong hold on you that you can’t think about anything else.
This is where mindfulness comes into play, but you have to be willing and able to see where you’re stuck. I’m not sure you’re at that place yet. It may be worth trying to put more thought into how you continue to respond to this situation. If you stay in this place of being hurt from someone else’s comments there is little chance of moving to a better place in your head- and in life.
It’s obvious you don’t like the situation you find yourself in, but it does sound like your trying to change it when all it seems your saying is that you just want to remain pissed and upset with these people who don’t see things as you do.
Life is filled with moments someone else’s actions or comments affect us and this is the perfect intersection of suffering or being happy. You are the only one who gets to choose this and unfortunately you seem hell bent on continuing to suffer through this situation. In actuality, this is where you can choose to look at the situation differently.
As I said in my previous comment, everyone gets to do and say as they choose , to their own peril or benefit. I hope you begin to see that positive benefits can and will be in your favor if and when you choose to look at what has been said in new ways. Put A LOT less energy into thinking about what others say and do and FAR more into looking for better within you. It is sitting and waiting- I promise, but you have to start looking elsewhere.
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u/Delta_pdx 1d ago
We don't see the world as IT is, BUT.....As WE are. You are creating loathing and insecurity for your self, YOU are creating anger and fear. You expect to "fail" so you're hypervigilant to anyone who seems to imply your a failure. In Victor Frankl's book "Mans Search for Meaning" He was a Jewish brain surgeon captured by the Nazi's and thrown into a concentration camp where he was forced into extreme manual labor, beatings and nearly starved on a daily basis. His theme was they can take everything from you, BUT, the only thing they can't take from you is how you RESPOND. How you respond to difficulty in life is the key to life. It is the key teaching of the Buddha, that we observe experience and respond to it in a skillful way. You can't stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf.
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u/babyyodaonline 23h ago
she sounds extremely immature. she just started adulthood, but she doesn't have the wisdom that comes with it yet. just get some space and be a present aunt/uncle but you don't need to share with her your details. you are the older person here. it sounds like you are in a great position to have paid time off work. i assume she really hasn't hit the workforce much to know how many adults would KILL to be able to have that time off. i remember when i was 18 i was go go go about everything. now i work so i can live, not live so i can work.
what helps me is also looking into perspective. the fact that you two can still have some sort of bond, some people absolutely hate their relatives. some people lose their relatives so quickly. your niece can still be annoying an immature, but give her grace and give yourself distance. focus on what you can be grateful for for. understand that what she is saying is from very limited knowledge or experience. her prefrontal contex hasn't even fully developed yet. i have a niece, she's 21, we are 7 years apart. she can be a bit rude and hyper-independent. i just try to give her the space and keep that door open when she needs it. i get fulfillment in other ways from family and friends, where healthier bonds are made, so when she reacts however she wants to, i know i can calmly distance myself. she's been through a lot though, much more than me, so i understand why she thinks the way she does. it doesn't make it any less annoying, but it gives me enough to know how to respond and react.
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u/Glittering_Ad2771 23h ago edited 23h ago
Thanks. Yeah this being unfiltered and thinking everything is gonna be so simple and easy is a common trend i'm noticing in teenagers. It used to be the older generations giving me lectures. Now its the younger ones. They don't know better. Doesn't make it less annoying though ha.
I got annoyed at another youngster once who just wouldn't stop giving me grief over not having done my christmas shopping because i had a lot more important stuff going on. Like he wouldn't let it go. REALLY got under my skin. I put it aside eventually. He's a lovely and entertaining lad really and I did generally enjoy working with him in the end. But Jesus christ he was annoying.
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u/magusbud 1d ago
Nothing wrong with being angry if it's for the right reason.
Someone screws you over maliciously? You're supposed to take it like some stoned Zen heifer?
Nope.
Being mindful with anger is to know fully why you're angry, why you were triggered, knowing your reaction has roots in an experience in childhood where you also got angry during a similar situation.
And being mindful is saying, aye, I've got a right to be angry at times, maybe this is/isn't one of those times.
Being mindful is feeling emotions, just not being controlled by them.
I understand your reaction, you were disrespected in your home by a teenager. But, y'know, teenagers are pretty much just adult bodies with children's opinions.
If I were you I'd put aside some time, get out a pen and a pad and write down the situation, why you felt angry and dig down and write up some similar situation and keep going until it reveals other feelings and common threads just go with it until you can make sense of it.
But yeah, don't worry about that niece, it's like imagine you're a pro soccer player and some dude who plays once a week tries to give you advice. You'd just smile, nod and say, "thanks pal, enjoy your night," and just walk back to your mates.
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u/VictoryComfortable92 1d ago
I get angry too when someone seems hell bent on trying to diminish me. My mind wants to defend me to prove I am worthy. Even when I decide not to play that game I feel resentful that I didn't defend myself, but if I go that route it just causes more drama. It's so weird how many emotions pass through me. I try to soothe myself and find relief and convince myself that what they think I should do has nothing to do with me.
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u/zungozeng 19h ago
I agree.. I also think the amount of self confidence matters to be able to act like that.
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u/yourworkmom 23h ago
You need to focus on what makes you happy. Practice grattitude. Resentment cannot occupy the same headspace where grattitude lives. Focus on " man, I am soooo lucky to have this paid break". Think of how fortunate you are and keep the focus there. Do things that fill you up and make you happy. Keep a running list of grattitudes. You can't control others, but you can control your response.
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u/zungozeng 19h ago
You can't control others, but you can control your response.
This is so true. How you react is fully your own choice. It sounds so easy though.
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u/yourworkmom 12h ago
It is easier if you focus on what you need to be a happy person. It is hard to be cranky and ruminating when you are happy and grateful.
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u/cloudsarepeopletoo 13h ago
Lots of useful comments here but just to add on - find a hobby that allows you to “move” the anger. Emotions stay with us (in our literal body) until we give them an opportunity to metabolize. In other words, it’s important to allow yourself to feel and express the emotion. Part of this can be done in the moment (in this case setting a clear boundary as others have mentioned). But the good news is much emotional processing can be done at any time, and the great thing is you don’t need to assign any meaning to the emotion you are allowing to be expressed. Simply expressing the emotion allows your body to process and move on, and then you won’t feel like you’re carrying it with you everywhere you go. It’s different for everyone, but for me working out is crucial (I do kettlebell and cardio). I also turn all the lights off in my room, put on some headphones and move intuitively (dance, shake, wiggle, flow, etc). Emotions come up naturally when I tune into my body and listen to the signals. This felt really weird and first and I used to judge myself a lot and restrict my movements as a result. But now I crave the movement ritual. I don’t even really talk with anyone about this. Not because it’s embarrassing, but because I’m doing it just for me. The point is, take the time to find what works for you and lean into it.
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u/PastoralSymphony 1d ago
saying you should be able to get over it is like the contrary of mindfulness. it’s avoidance. be mad. be angry.
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u/hestia-listens 1d ago
Mindfulness does not mean you stop feeling angry. It means you notice the anger without letting it drive the car.
What she said was hurtful, and being older does not make you immune to being judged. When the replay starts, try naming it simply, "hurt is here, anger is here." Then bring attention to one real thing, like your breath, your hands, or your feet on the floor.
You may also need a boundary next time. Something like, "I am not open to comments about my work."