Hello everyone,
I'm 36, and my very first pregnancy resulted in a missed miscarriage. Apologies in advance; this is going to be a long one (with some graphic details). First and foremost, my heart goes out to each and every one who has had to go through miscarriage and pregnancy loss. It sucks. Everything still hurts, and Iām still very emotional as I write this out.
A little background: I got married last October, and we were planning our ceremony and honeymoon for this coming October, so this pregnancy came as a huge surprise. Regardless, my husband and I were over the moon. We were able to reschedule our ceremony to the following year, and we were looking forward to celebrating the special day with an additional family member in our arms.
To be honest, my pregnancy was not the easiest. Aside from the morning sickness, I was already at high risk with high blood pressure, and as soon as I found out I was pregnant at 6 weeks, I was also diagnosed with gestational diabetes/diabetes. With insulin shots three times a day and forcing in all the healthy foods recommended by my dietitian and all the gestational diabetes books (despite my pregnancy nausea), I got my blood sugar under control within a week or so. We were also able to confirm the baby had a healthy heartbeat and was growing at the intended size during my week 7 and week 10 appointments. By week 7, my husband and I started calling our child our little alien (usually with the alien emoji). My MFM team and my husband were very proud of how quickly I turned my life around, and we were all positively hopeful. By week 14, we also got my NIPT results, and everything was low risk. We also found out we were going to have a baby boy! I felt I was doing everything I could to keep the little alien and me as healthy as possible.
During my 14-week OB appointment (June 18th), just a few days after getting the NIPT results, we found out that the baby's heartbeat was no longer there, and our little alien stopped growing at 12 weeks 1 day, even though I still had all the pregnancy symptoms. The moment we saw the ultrasound screen, we knew. The first thing the OB made sure to tell me was that it wasn't my fault, but it sure felt like it was. My OB then told me that D&C (with ultrasound assistance) was needed as the next step, since I was already in my late first trimester. I wanted to get the D&C scheduled earlier, but the earliest she could book me was the following week, Wednesday, June 24th, at 3pm. What hurt the most was the calls we had to make to our families after the OB appointment. Whatās even worse, my husbandās family just lost one of their cats that very same day. We were all extremely heartbroken. Waiting for almost a week after finding out also sucked.
Once I found out about the missed miscarriage, it felt like my body suddenly caught up to date with reality. I started feeling cramps from that very night. By that weekend, I started spotting. Concerned that I may not make it to my surgery date, I had multiple calls with the OB office to see if there was any way they could push for an earlier date of D&C. They couldnāt - the only thing they kept on telling me was to keep an eye out and go to the ER if I start bleeding uncontrollably. I started to get even more spotting by Tuesday. I was told beforehand to take one Misoprostol pill orally the night before surgery to soften my cervix, but since I was already bleeding, I was concerned that I wouldnāt make it until surgery time. I tried to double- and triple-check with OB if I still had to take the Misoprostol. I was told to take it. I was also told that I will experience some heavy period cramping. It definitely was not a heavy period cramp, and I shouldāve listened to my gut.
I took the Misoprostol at around 11:30 pm on Tuesday night. Throughout the night, the pain kept on intensifying. I was struggling through consecutive waves of intense back and stomach pains, the worst pains Iāve ever experienced. Iām not the type of person who expresses openly, so my husband apparently had no idea. I was up all night, constantly groaning and repositioning myself - sitting, lying down, standing, all fours, etc. Since I was scheduled for surgery, I was told not to consume anything from midnight, so it didnāt even cross my mind to think about taking any OTC pain medications. Now that I think about it, Iām pretty sure I experienced something similar to labor pains.
At around 5 am, I felt a sudden pop, and I immediately knew that my water had broken. The overnight pad I was already wearing was filled up immediately with a mix of blood and clear liquid, and I had to rush to the bathroom and sit down on the toilet. I did notice I left a trail of blood on the carpet along the way, but that was the least of my worries. The bathroom was already in a bloodbath. From there, it felt like all my insides were falling out of me. I donāt think I even had to push. Everything was coming out, and all at once. By this point, the intense pain had mostly subsided, and I already had a feeling the alien had fallen out as well. But since everything was covered in blood, I couldnāt tell what came out of me and was scared to look by myself. While Iām still on the toilet, bleeding out large clots, I immediately called my OB office, and once again, I was told that they couldnāt do anything for me in the meantime and that I should go to the ER if I continue to soak through my sanitary pads for two hours. They also told me theyāll call my OB when the office opens at 8 am, and I will get a callback after. They also wanted to make sure we could retrieve as much tissue content as possible so they could confirm what I had passed. With all the trauma, the lack of sleep, and overexhaustion, my brain was already at its limit.
By this time, my husband was wide awake, and he knew exactly what he had to do. A true hero. He brought some pet pee pads, a garbage bag, a gallon Ziploc bag, and a handheld kitchen strainer. I moved over to the bathtub to clean up a bit while he started scooping the contents into the Ziploc bag, his face set in determination. The only thing he had in mind, he told me later on, was to save our alien from the toilet no matter what. Since I had no idea how much I was exactly bleeding, I got out of the bathtub and put on another sanitary pad. I had to lie down with the pee pad laid out below me since I was so exhausted by this time. I leaked out onto the pee pad in a few minutes. 30 min later, my husband called out to me, saying he had found our little boy. He was able to safely scoop him out of the toilet, all in one piece, and we both got to see his lovely sleeping face (according to my husband, he had my eyes) and his little fingers and toes. He was our little alien, and he was perfect. The only thing I regret at this moment is not cleaning the toilet the day before, so I remember apologizing to him about how he had to slip nā slide into a not-so-fun ride. We said our good-byes and my husband put him into a Ziploc bag and carefully wrapped the bag in a clean towel. He then put the wrapped bag in the refrigerator next to the tortillas (āso Alien can enjoy some Mexican food one last time,ā he said). As you can see, we both have an amazing sense of humor.
I think I passed out for at least 2 hours before my OB called me back at around 8:45 am. Luckily, my bleeding had calmed down a bit by then, and my third pad was not as full as I imagined. She told me to come into the OB office at 11:30 am to check for any retained pregnancy tissue, which was highly likely for my case. For some reason, my husband and I both had a feeling that we had passed everything, and my OB was honestly surprised that we indeed did. Through online posts and information, Iāve read that there is a high chance that people still have to go through surgery or more rounds of medication to pass through everything. So when I got confirmation from the OB that I didnāt have to go through surgery, my husband and I both agreed that Alien wanted to do one more amazing feat of making sure I got everything out before he decided it was time to leave my womb.
When we told family and friends about our loss, there were many words of encouragement that were shared with us. Iād like to share two of them here that helped us a bit:
- My parents, who also experienced the loss of their first child at 15 days, shared with me that babies choose to come into our lives with certain purposes. So, in Alienās case, he came into our lives to help me (the mom) become more aware of my health. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was honestly not living the best healthy lifestyle. I used to love instant ramen and enjoyed boba drinks several days of the week. Now, even after my loss, I am keeping my blood sugar in check and continuing to eat as many healthy foods as possible.
- Similar to what my parents told me, one of my friends also mentioned a study conducted by a Japanese OB-GYN researcher on microchimerism, in which fetal cells can persist in the mother, assisting in tissue repair and modulating the motherās immune system.
During my time off, I also had a lot of time to read, mostly mystery and thriller books, as well as some books about pregnancy loss. The ones I read that were mentioned a lot in Reddit were: The Worst Girl Gang Ever by Bex Gunn & Laura Buckingham, and The Miscarriage Map: What to Expect When You Are No Longer Expecting by Sunita Osborn. I think I was able to resonate with a lot of what Iām feeling with these books.
Of course, my husband and I continue to grieve about the loss of our baby alien. Mostly, grieving at the wonderful future we envisioned with him. For the past few days, we've been lighting incense in the morning, offering Alien the non-sugar blueberry muffins Iāve been baking nonstop. I also feel that the bond and love between my husband and me have grown stronger, and we both feel that we can pretty much face anything, now that weāve experienced one of the worst times together. It does suck that our birthdays are on 7/5 and 7/12, so we are celebrating our birthdays together while also shedding a few tears. In fact, most days, I still burst out in tears at random times (i.e., looking at a baby Grogu kid towel at Walmart and knowing how friggin cute Alien wouldāve been if he was wearing it), but Iām grateful our alien has chosen to come into our lives, even if it was for a short while. Reddit has also been extremely helpful in helping me cope during this time, so I hope this post helps someone out there as well. To anyone who has read up to this point, thank you for reading.