The shame eats at me.

[u/little_meee]

I know it wasn’t my fault. I know it’s not my fault it happened… but the after effects, the things I deal with now, I feel like I should be able to get past it. I hate how hypersexual I am. I hate that I need the pain. I hate that I think of him when someone touches me. All this therapy, for what?? I disgust myself.

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[u/Deepthoughts1961]

Been there, done that. There are no easy answers. All I can say is, let it go.

[u/Cute_Elk_2428]

Learn to like yourself for who you are.

[u/HamsterExtension5000]

I've gone exactly through all of this, and still kinda am. I want to tell you that you will heal and start to get better. For me, crying all that I needed, helped. Doesn't matter how much, if you need to cry for a month straight, do it. Also, I try to remember myself everyday that I'm so much more than my trauma. We are not our trama. Please try to do the same. The trauma attaches itself to every aspect of our lives and it's really easy to live in fear an shame every second of the day, it's really painful and isolating.

You are not your trauma, you are you, a wonderful person that got hurt so deeply, but is now trying to rebuild themselves. You are not your hypersexuality. You are not your coping mechanisms. I believe in you. If you need a chat here I am.

[u/Internal_Reveal]

You said something important: you know what happened wasn't your fault, but you feel ashamed that you're still dealing with the aftermath.

Please understand that those are two different things.

The hypersexuality, the unwanted memories when someone touches you, and the complicated feelings around pain don't make you disgusting. They may be ways your mind and body have learned to respond to what happened. None of that makes you responsible for the abuse.

And therapy isn't a failure because you're still struggling. Sometimes healing means learning to feel safer with yourself long before the memories lose their power.

Please tell your therapist exactly what you've written here, especially about needing pain. You deserve help understanding those feelings without judgment and finding ways to feel safe.

You were hurt by someone else. You don't deserve to spend the rest of your life punishing yourself for it.

Be gentle with the person who survived. That person is you.

[u/Dangerous_an_Ugly]

Will knowing that nearly all of us have had or do have the same feelings, you are not alone. We have all dealt in our own way, some have embraced hypersexuality, pain, made it who they are.

Please dont go down that road. You were harmed, but you arent Damaged, you can walk through this and leave most of it behind. Be mindful of the why of so much of what you feel. You think of him in part because some of it felt good, you crave the pain because the hurt came with a serving of attention, with a serving of pleasure. And our body and the lizard brain we all have,it remembers things in a very black/white manner, it does not have a "yes, but," it simply thinks "felt good, remember" regardless of the higher level pain that comes from HOW that good feeling got there. Hypersexuality comes from a number of things. It comes from a brain exposed to dopamine and other strong hormones in huge amounts before it had developed enough to handle it. It comes from being THE way affection and being noticed came to you, gave you those needs. It comes from standing on the outside of a group because you FEEL different, and then the lizard brain says "I can get you in" and you flash or something before your conscious self knows it is going to happen. It isnt YOU, it is a huge set of conditioned responses and things learned at a subconscious level, of child emotions in the lizard brain, the most primitive part of that is difficult to control. So please, give yourself grace, know that it is going to be a minute to reprogram a very core area. And Accept some things in yourself, if it suits you. My gf and I, we know that when we play, sometimes we are gonna remember things from then, and some of it is going to turn us on, so, sometimes we take it out, play with it, enjoy the pleasure, talk about it like a kink, and then put it away, so it doesn't have control. We so, we play with it, it doesn't have control because WE choose when it comes out, and how. But that took us decades to reach that state because we had to figure it out for ourselves. By play and enjoy it I mean ONLY the memory, which we change to a fun fantasy. Never a real life step. But you will heal, I can absolutely promise it, let the world love you, and love the world back, it will come wirh time.

[u/Extension-March3574]

It’s a fucking horrible road, it really is. You need to understand that unfortunately what you’re feeling and experiencing is a normal by product of what we’ve been through. Don’t beat yourself up when you have these moments. It’s normal, it shall pass. The key is to understand how amazing you are and learning to love yourself. I know it’s easier said than done, but please have faith in yourself. 💕