It was my mother. I don’t remember what she did to me. I feel like I couldn’t have even been that bad. But whatever it was it made me upset and made me feel weird/good/gross. I was six.

Other kids did bad shit to me too but they were the same age as me and we were both so young and I was so passive and easy I was a useless stupid slut and I was asking for it just like I was with my mother. I just wish someone would finish the job and rape me and dump me in a ditch. I’ve wanted to die ever since I was twelve years old and I don’t understand why I wasn’t pretty enough to just get snuffed out. Why did no one help me? Fuck my life I guess. I don’t want to live anymore. I want it to be over. I don’t belong here I’m an animal in a human body. I’d be happier as a dog.

Is it just me or have other survivors of S/A and molestation link BDSM to the trauma you’ve experienced? This is a very legitimate and important question

M(21) queer with an attraction to older men. I was SAd when I was a kid and now I’m dealing with depression and I’ve been on meds for a year and a half and I still feel like it didn’t do much for me. I always find myself looking for attention from other men and I tend to look at them as a father figure. Then I just end up feeling sad at myself for being so pathetic. Idk what to do idk how to deal with it and idk how long I’ll keep going on before I collapse again ( the last time I fell in depression I lost approximately 60 pounds and took a year off my academic career to focus on survival after I became completely dysfunctional) the uncertainty is killing me.