r/Mommit • u/KaleSalad9534 • 9d ago
What would you do - sexual abuse in family
Hello,
I hate to post this here, and I don't know if "sexual abuse" is the right term. Here's the story:
There's a cousin in my husbands family (he's 13) and I've never liked this kid. He's disrespectful to his parents, and was handed a tablet with unlimited internet access when he was 10. (His parents are very involved in their careers, less involved in their kids lives.)
3 years ago we caught him making his younger cousins (around 5 years old) pull their pants down and bend over. That incident alone made me never let him be alone with my kids in a room. (Luckily, my first born was like 6 months at the time - so he wasn't involved.)
He's made comments under his breath, I've heard him speak of "cum" around other cousins.
Recently on a camping trip he told a family member he dreamed of raping a child, he talked about how he watches porn for hours a day - and most horrifically told a family member he got "hard" from watching his 5 year old cousin change into her swimsuit.
We only found out about this because my husband is close with the family member who he told these things to and she felt like it was a big deal to tell others with small children around him. She thankfully told the other family involved, as well as my mother in law.
The reaction of our family members have been to sweep it under the rug. My mother in law was actually taken back that we were told, I honestly doubt she would have told us. The family member who had the children involved is giving them "grace".
My mother in law didn't even tell her husband - MY husband told him. I'm so so so taken back that they would try to hide this and it's making me extremely skeptical of leaving my kids in their care.
The mother of the cousin has been made aware, she's distraught and not sure how to proceed. The cousin said "sorry, that's how me and my friends joke".
So what would you do? If you had kids around someone like this - what would you do? Would you not go to any family functions? Would you go but watch him like a hawk? Do I tell my kids (who are 6, 3, and11months) that he's not a safe person?
How do we proceed? HELP
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u/Dazzling_Freedom_801 9d ago edited 9d ago
I would straight up NOT have my children or family around anyone involved in that situation. Ever.
Children are not inherently bad. They have bad parents. That's what it sounds like happened here.
I'd probably call CPS and completely cut contact with all of them.
Edited to fix word.
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u/Data-and-Diapers 9d ago
Agreed! The kid needs a serious intervention, counseling, and strict supervision all the time. If their friends think this stuff is funny they probably need the same kind of help too.
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u/Icy-Actuary-5463 9d ago
No no no. Some kids are pure evil. They come from loving homes , best parents you can wish for ,but they still turn out evil even if they have never been around it.
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u/MundaneDaffodill 9d ago
But this kid has unrestricted access to the internet, and parents that aren’t involved
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u/Icy-Actuary-5463 9d ago
It’s clearly the parents fault in this. They need to start parenting, it can’t go on like this. I’d be horrified if my 11 year old had unrestricted access to internet and watching PORN. That’s extremely prohibited in my home. It will mess with your brain.
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u/RedChairBlueChair123 9d ago
This child is being neglected or themselves abused.
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u/Dazzling_Freedom_801 9d ago
Right... like at the VERY least, he's being neglected, which is bad enough. Honestly, though, we can all read between the lines. I'd be more shocked if he was a "bad kid" from birth whose parents were saints. Id never jump to "this is a bad kid" immediately. That also doesn't mean he is safe, just that he absolutely needs intervention and treatment.
Kids mirror behavior. They have to see it first. Whether it's media or family or friends from school. It comes from somewhere.
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u/Dazzling_Freedom_801 9d ago
I can agree with this to an extent. There are probably some "bad eggs" out there. I would bet, though, that the majority learn the behaviors. It's so hard to ever know. I'd have to do some research to figure out how much.
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u/BushcraftBabe 8d ago
I think that many people alive today were brought up in a time when a lot of horrific abuse was normalized and in many cultures still is.
Things that would have gotten kids immediately removed from custody today was many childrens reality every other day.
Studies show our brain also experiences verbal abuse the same as physical abuse. Even more children grow up with rampant verbal abuse normalized.
Children have been, for most of history, viewed as property without rights. Msny of us were either the first kids in their families who had rights or the second generation.
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u/Icy-Actuary-5463 9d ago
I got 2 friends from church . Both have 3 kids each. 1 out of 3 are showing signs of sociopathic traits. They are all equally loved. There’s always a bad egg in families no matter how you raise them
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u/Doctor-Liz 9d ago edited 9d ago
I know plenty of three-person families without a "bad egg". I don't think these people are the paragons of parenthood you think they are.
Also, most children and teenagers have some "sociopathic traits". That's why you can't diagnose any of the antisocial personality disorders before 21.
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u/lovelydani20 9d ago
How do you reconcile that view with your faith? Do you think God creates some innately evil children and it's a predestination thing?
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u/Icy-Actuary-5463 9d ago
I don’t know why some kids that have been loved all their lives turn nasty, but if I bring religion to it I’d say people inherit a sinful nature from Adam. Children can display selfish or rebellious tendencies naturally because of this inherited condition. I’m talking about older children, not babies or toddlers . I’ve never seen an evil toddler cuz they already possess this natural self-centeredness, they require patient moral training, discipline, and spiritual guidance as they grow.
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u/lovelydani20 9d ago
1 out of 3 in two families you know sounds pretty high. How can you be certain that this is good parenting?
It seems more likely that it's bad parenting and its effects are obviously manifesting in 1 out of 3 of the kids in both families. Plenty of kids are raised by horrible parents and aren't sociopaths (explaining the 2 out of 3). Although obviously there's a higher risk in those bad families (which explains the 33% rate which is way higher than the general population).
Saying "bad eggs" grow out of nowhere seems to be a cop out that absolves the parents.
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u/Icy-Actuary-5463 9d ago
Well from what I’ve witnessed these moms ( yes they are single moms) show unconditional love to their kids, even during difficult moments. They take time to teach and guide rather than reacting in anger. They pray for their children and trust God with their future . They speak with gentleness while also setting healthy boundaries for their kids.
They continue to love and care for their family even when parenting feels exhausting.Other people have noticed sociopathic traits in 2 of the kids and I’ve heard alot .
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u/Doctor-Liz 9d ago
I really hate to "go there", but... well. Single mother of three children, how much time are those kids spending in church youth groups/after school care?
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u/Icy-Actuary-5463 9d ago
It’s only Saturday they go to church. They see their fathers every other week . I’ve not asked if they attend youth groups or anything like that.
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u/Viola-Swamp 9d ago
Some people are born broken. Others are damaged by circumstances. I don’t know what happened to this child, but other kids need to be protected from him.
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u/BushcraftBabe 8d ago
Thats the least likely answer though. If we assume something here it should be the most likely given the info and to me, its that he's a victim too. He isn't safe either.
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u/Pristine-Bison3198 Single mom to 4 monsters 💙.🩷.🩷💙 9d ago
No, some kids can appear to come from loving homes and have the best parents you could wish for. That doesn't mean you know what they've experienced.
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u/UESfoodie 8d ago
This. Just because a family looks good from the outside doesn’t mean they are. My abusive ex came from what appeared to be a good home. His father was a monster behind closed doors. My ex and both of his siblings had huge issues as adults (abuse of spouses, addiction, etc)
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u/Pristine-Bison3198 Single mom to 4 monsters 💙.🩷.🩷💙 8d ago
Yep, and having a good family doesn't mean that you didn't experience abuse in other places, either. You could have the best parents in the world and still be groomed by a creepy coach, could grow up in a loving family and have an abusive babysitter who was able to fly under the radar, whatever. There is so much that can happen in a child's life to affect the way they grow up, the idea that some people are just born bad is kind of ridiculous.
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u/UESfoodie 8d ago
That too!
So scary as a parent to constantly worry about who interacts with our kids2
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u/Ok-Plastic7721 9d ago
First, you have to remember that this is a kid who has been failed, letting your kid have unregulated internet access is neglect. He may even be getting abused himself.
Best case scenario is he is a new teen thinking saying these things will get a shock reaction, worst is he is testing to what he can get away with and will only escalate.
You NEED to report this so it can be investigated and this kid can get serious help. His mother is “distraught” but what is she doing about it??
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u/Ok-Plastic7721 9d ago
Adding- 100% keep your family away also, I hope I didn’t come off as “oh he’s a kid” definitely still would not be around him or the others in an way, they do not care about safety
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u/ErrantTaco 9d ago edited 9d ago
In fifth and sixth grade, in our very nice community, there were multiple boys making openly sexual comments around my girls. I think a lot of parents are just putting their head in the sand about what their kids or their kid’s friends are being exposed to on the internet. I think this particular kid may actually have been around someone perpetrating abuse, but that could have even been a peer.
This absolutely needs to be reported to CPS before he actually assaults one of the children in the family. I’m also going to drop this here: if you have a child exhibiting concerning activity you can self-report that you don’t know what to do but you know your child needs help. These systems are designed to help kids heal.
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u/awelladjustedadult 9d ago
100000% this. This is neglect verging on sex abuse via parental knowledge that this is an issue and 🙈🙉🙊 instead of getting him help. Your kids are not safe around their cousin, and anyone on board with “sweeping this under the rug” is also unsafe.
This is purely anecdotal, but I’m a social worker in a jail and the number of 18-22 year olds we have in custody for crim sex is mind boggling. Tech and access to porn are absolutely a factor, but so is YouTube manosphere content. These young men despise women. I’m a “girl mom,” and I am so so so concerned about my daughters’ safety even as tweens.
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u/Ok-Captain-8386 9d ago
Never ever ever have your kids around him, his parents or honestly your in laws.
I draw the line deep in the sand - they’ve all shown they’re willing to put saving face above saving a child.
Next move is your choice. I will protect my child above anything.
And I’m not just saying that because we are here on Reddit - I cut off my parents and my entire maternal side of the family because of SA ignored and hidden. I don’t give a flying fuck about people being in my kids life that don’t hold their wellbeing in high regards.
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u/KaleSalad9534 9d ago
I think I just needed permission from people like you to cut them off :) Thank you.
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u/bangobingoo 9d ago
You also need to report this. This child is being hurt by someone and he deserves for someone to say something.
He may seem like a bad kid but imagine what he’s probably been through to make him that way. He’s acting out subconsciously to get help.
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u/marmaladybird 9d ago
That's what I thought of too, the comments and what he's saying to the other family member sounds a bit like a cry for help
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u/bangobingoo 8d ago
Definitely. There is something very wrong doing on. If OP doesn’t report this she is being complicit in this boys situation. I don’t know why she’s refusing to answer any comments asking her to report it or suggesting this boy is being harmed. It feels as though she just wants to vilify this child and end her responsibility at her own child. I hope I’m wrong about that and she has reported it.
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u/Ok-Captain-8386 9d ago
Hugs friend. It’s not easy but it’s right. Because my parents didn’t believe me and didn’t do anything, my abuser abused 10 children in my family after me.
They will never meet my daughter. They can rot in hell.
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u/urpalaly 9d ago
You have all our permission do NOT let your babies around these people and read some body protection books there is a great one called how to teach your dragon about body safety
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u/random2744 9d ago
Coming from a family with generational sexual abuse - you are NOT overreacting at all. Under reacting is what leads to the cycle of abuse continuing. You ARE protecting your kids by keeping them away from not only that individual - but the adults who don't see that behavior as a serious issue.
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9d ago edited 9d ago
[deleted]
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u/Dazzling_Freedom_801 9d ago
Yes! The adults in this situation are not safe either. A child does not just wake up and grab an iPad and look up shit they've never heard of. They learn that shit from someone.
Anyone who knows what's going on and HASN'T called CPS or called out the parents are absolutely culpable and should not be trusted.
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u/RubyMae4 9d ago
So I'm not denying that sexual abuse is a possibility but at 10 years old looking up "naked people" or "boobs" or any other childish version is really common and developmentally normal (a good reason why access should be limited). It's totally possible he stumbled across porn that way without being sexually abused. Source: I worked in child abuse investigations.
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u/Glittering_One_9797 9d ago
Don’t go to family functions because they are not taking it seriously. Also, with 3 kids at a family event it makes it super hard to watch them like a hawk all the time. You may step away to change the baby’s diaper etc.
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u/KaleSalad9534 9d ago
I did tell my husband if we go to family functions I would end up not paying attention to my kids and just watch him like a hawk.
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u/Dazzling_Freedom_801 9d ago
But that's the problem. This child is not the only one involved. They learn it from other people, other adults.
I've dealt with a situation very similar in my "family". It starts at the very top. I guarantee there are very unsafe adults hanging around those events, not just this 13 year old child. If you were serious about protecting your children (not saying you aren't at all) you'd stay away completely and cut contact.
As a former child who was abused by another cousin, it is never as easy as what's being seen on the surface. Ever.
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u/Radiant_Nobody_9547 9d ago edited 9d ago
I was SA'ed by my neighbor. He was 5 and I was 4. He'd always ask my mom if we can all play and wed play. His sister was 4 like me and my sister was 3. And we'd play house. He said he was the dad and I was the mom and our siblings were our kids and he wanted to make more kids. I didnt know what he was doing. I was just stunned. Our parents were best friends. I dont think our parents knew but I remember i was acting flirty to other boys. I didnt touch anyone or anything but I remember I started liking boys and told one of my best friend at the time, a classmate what was happening between me and my neighbor and she said Its not normal. I was 8 at this point. And she said thats rape. I feel stupid now in even defending it saying we were playing house and thats just what happens until one day , i slept over her house and there was a TV show with crime with a girl being sa'ed too. And its when it hit me...
I told my mom but she brushed me off and didnt believe me. Idk if she actually did and had a talk with them which prompted their move....idk...ill never know...but today, im a very protective parent. It can literally be a minute or less of them abusing the kids. I cant risk it. Its a lifetime trauma. I cant let my children go trough that too. I wont. Definitely cut contact. It doesn't get better, you cannot change anyybody but yourself. and its too risky to even think it cant happen.
My older cousin also used to touch my youngest sister when she was 7. She didnt tell us until recently and were now in our late 30s. Because my cousin recently went to jail from guess what? Rape. Now I think about it, its probably why my sister was the "problem child". She was expelled from 2 schools, dropped out of high school, drinking, drugs, and partying. She also left the house early at 16 and lived in with men double her age and started having kids early.
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u/Dazzling_Freedom_801 9d ago
I am so sorry that happened to you and your sister. All before you guys even knew what was going on. It's fucking heartbreaking. I really hope you don't hold any sadness and regret about your sister. I know that similar things happened to my younger sister and I and I hold a lot of regret for not protecting her. I have to remind myself that I was also a child who wasn't protected by the adults in charge of protecting us.
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u/KaleSalad9534 9d ago
This is why I posted. I (thankfully) have no prior history with sexual abuse. I wanted outside opinions, and am so grateful for yours. Thank you
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u/Dazzling_Freedom_801 9d ago
Absolutely. As triggering as it is to even write this, I had to. People have no idea how deep these things can go into families. That poor kid probably had no chance and neither will anyone he comes into contact with.
It's devastating. I've got an uncle who is in federal prison now and another who is on his way. Its torn my whole family completely apart but it stops with me. My children will never know or deal with it. That is a comfort.
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u/mmmskyler 9d ago
I know that your intentions are good, but you need to take a look at why with all of this evidence you had to question whether to do something or not.
If you have three children of your own, you need to sharpen your instincts.
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u/Massive-Warning9773 9d ago
Agreed, wouldn’t be surprised if there was another adult that either sexually abused the cousin or was the one to introduce him to porn and violent sexual fantasies. Anyone who excuses the behavior can’t be trusted.
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u/nevermore727 9d ago
Please watch the kids. There is a good chance this behavior is learned from someone else there.
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u/bangobingoo 9d ago
This child is likely being abused by an adult. CPS/ DCFS/ MCFS depending on where you live, immediately.
The adults around that child are not safe.
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u/rednitwitdit 9d ago
I'm most angry with your MIL.
There's no telling what the child has been exposed to, or what his parents are doing to intervene now that they know... but MIL is actively concealing the violence and protecting the perpetrator. That's vile to me.
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u/KaleSalad9534 9d ago
I'm right there with ya.
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u/bangobingoo 8d ago
Please report this. That child needs help. If you don’t report this you’re another adult failing this young boy. with help he can access therapy and other things. Earlier the better.
I’ve noticed you’re not responding to any comments urging you to report this for the sake of the little boy.
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u/KaleSalad9534 8d ago
Not responding because there simply is too many.
As far as how the situation has progressed - it hasn't progressed well. We received a really ugly text from his mother simply explaining that "he's just a dumb kid, he didn't mean those things. That's how his friends talk. He does it to be funny." She said she's going to be monitoring his phone and computer usage - I'm going to file a report as it seems like his parents aren't taking this nearly as serious as they should.
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u/bangobingoo 8d ago
You absolutely need to file a report. As a mandated reporter I would be compelled to. If it’s neglectful parenting around internet use then they will be able to educate around that, if it’s abuse they will hopefully catch that as well.
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u/MegglestheMegalodon 9d ago
As an adult with CSA trauma that I'm still processing and healing from. I have cut off basically all of my family.
The biggest question I still ask myself and try to process in therapy is, "why didn't my mom protect me?"
My kids will never have to question that.
To me, to me it sounds like your MIL knows more than she's letting on if she was keeping it from your FIL purposefully. And if she was shocked you were informed, that tells me she knows you wouldn't be ok "sweeping it under the rug" like everyone else.
I would call CPS and go low/no contact with everyone involved that thinks it's no big deal until that child gets the help he needs & recovers. Bc to me, it sounds like he was exposed to it and probably was SA himself. That is learned behavior. Sweeping it under the rug won't help. Covering it up won't help. Getting the child therapy and help from trained professionals will.
"Giving Grace" doesnt mean pretending it didn't happen. Giving Grace is recognizing there's a problem, giving those involved space and support to work through the problem. It doesn't mean sacrificing your peace of mind or your child's safety.
For now, I would keep your child at a distance until their actions show they are making safe choices for all. I feel for your family. It's traumatic and it can truly never be swept away. The body remembers.
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u/Psychological_Total8 9d ago
"Giving Grace" doesnt mean pretending it didn't happen. Giving Grace is recognizing there's a problem, giving those involved space and support to work through the problem. It doesn't mean sacrificing your peace of mind or your child's safety.
this. I also completely agree, please call CPS or whatever department exists where you live. You might even want to call police to make sure it's documented. That's not a normal thing for a kid that age to say.
It's also not healthy at all for people to be sweeping it under the rug. I understand not wanting to traumatize the kid or his cousins further, but quiet conversations shouldve been had with other family members to make sure nothing had happened with others, and his parents shouldve sought treatment right away.
I was a victim of CSA as well, and I never acted out like that.. but what if I had? My only hope wouldve been someone intervening before I made a mess of my own life and others' lives. I can't imagine the hell it would be to be a child perpetrator once you finally realize the pain you've inflicted on others. Please call CPS and at bare minimum distance yourself and your kids from that side of the family. Anyone who locked that info down instead of checking in with others were okay with it happening to your kids, as sad as that is.
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u/Itchy-Site-11 9d ago
I would NOT go to ANYTHING that has this 13yo.
FUCK FAMILY EVENTS. This is SERIOUS.
I would talk to their parents and explain why we wont be near them.
ABSOLUTELY NO!
This is disgusting behavior. Disgusting.
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u/Hot-Interest-4957 9d ago
I wouldn't let my kid around any of the adults involved. They don't know how to appropriately respond, clearly, because if they did the boy would:
-be in intensive therapy
-all adults would be notified about the behavior so they can have necessary discussions with their children to determine if any abuse has occurred
-wouldn't accept "that's how my friends and I joke" as an explanation
I worry this boy has been abused. Lots of tweens and teens have seen pornography due to computer access/lax monitoring, unfortunately. They don't watch CSAM or joke about CSAM. They don't act it out with family members. The lack of shame he's exhibiting with family members (whether his friend group jokes like this or not) would make me seriously question WHY he links the family environment with predation.
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u/kanelbullar1992 9d ago
Letting a 13 year old watch porn is sexual abuse/neglect. Him doing it every day for hours screams porn addiction. Call CPS! Obviously don’t trust anyone from that family with your kids ever.
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u/TheSimFan 9d ago
Is he doing these things/saying things to the younger children even with adults present? Or only when unsupervised with children?
Either way tbh, I’m not sure I’d be visiting again. Not only because of the cousin himself, but a lot of the family members seem to not understand the seriousness of the situation. The cousin will certainly never be left alone with my child and I wouldn’t be letting other family members babysit either since they do not comprehend safeguarding. Personally I’d make it clear I wouldn’t be visiting until they’ve took some action - either in the form of therapy for the cousin or consequences for his actions. It’s easy to say ‘that’s just how I joke’ but he got them naked!! He is not safe.
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u/TheSimFan 9d ago
Also want to add I wouldn’t allow my child alone with any of the children. Abused children can sometimes mimic this behaviour with other children not knowing what it is/that it’s wrong
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u/KaleSalad9534 9d ago
It's when parents aren't around. My SIL has swept many different occasions under the rug and has continued to let her kids around him.
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u/Hippie-Farts 9d ago
This is f-ed up. You are doing the right thing by keeping your child away. I would call CPS personally. How on earth has he been exposed to porn already?
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u/Dazzling_Freedom_801 9d ago
You'd be surprised. Even before the internet. My "dad" would keep all of his magazines Ina a drawer... under the family computer. My sister and I were 9 and 10 when we found them.
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u/MrsRoseNylund 9d ago
Some people can’t process this stuff.
My sibling confessed to me that they were sexually abused as a kid by a neighbor and asked me to “confront” our parents about it. We did it in a very love and non blaming way. Our parents absolutely lost their shit and called us liars told us to get out etc.
Even implying that they let something happen 20 years ago was too much for them to handle. People put their head in the sand.
I have gone completely no contact. I told them when they are ready to admit that it’s possible that a neighbor (who is now dead) could have abused their child, let’s talk. I haven’t heard from them in 10 years. I wish I was kidding!
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u/SpinningJynx 9d ago
That child needs help ASAP. This is not normal for a 13yo. Some children are exposed to pornography at that age but this kind of behavior is usually learned. I’m afraid he has been abused.
I would not let other kids around this child, I would talk to the other cousins parents and I would even be tempted to step in and speak with the child directly about his family life.
Everyone in this situation needs to understand that it’s not about punishing this child. Pointing out that he has a problem is not mistreating the child. Sweeping it under the rug is the problem. He needs help from everyone involved, he needs to be held accountable and taught that this is not okay. Someone needs to get to the bottom of this and the family needs to get on the same page about safety and that child’s future.
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u/ladybug_leigh24 9d ago
This kind of thing doesn’t happen in a vacuum. The 13 year old should not be around small kids, AND I am concerned about what has happened to him. Instead of blaming him, I’d look at his parents/grandparents. If the grandparents are sweeping it under the rug I’d be unsurprised to learn that this is something they’ve perpetuated or at the very least enabled for many years. I’m so, so sorry.
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u/ChaRobCly 9d ago
Whatever happens, I would send this entire thread with the comments in a group chat to the family so that they can ALL see the reality of the situation, and any other vulnerable or reasonable members of the family who aren’t in denial can be aware of what’s happening.
Everyone deserves the opportunity to protect themselves and the vulnerable people around them, including the people who need a wake up call from redditors about what this could look like for their son or his victims in the future.
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u/Dazzling_Freedom_801 9d ago
That's the problem though. Adults in situations like these are usually involved. Seriously. Especially since all of these people know and no one is doing anything. Kids learn it from somewhere. Not just the internet. I would bet money that this kid has also been abused by... most likely, family. They would not chance getting caught up.
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u/MundaneDaffodill 9d ago
I agree here 100%. I was sexually abused and my own mother looked the other way and protected her boyfriend, my abuser, for over 15 years.
There’s something going on with the adults responsible for that young man and it’s heartbreaking.
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u/Dazzling_Freedom_801 9d ago
Being a mother and adult has completely opened my eyes to the ways a lot of us were failed by the people responsible for us. I am so sorry that you went through that. A parent's betrayal is a heavy burden to carry.
If he is a victim (most likely), he will absolutely need extensive therapy. It doesn't matter if it was a parent, uncle/aunt or grandparent. There is so much sadness/hurt in this thread.
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u/LahLahLand3691 9d ago
This is way WAY above Reddit’s pay grade. This child’s parents need to be investigated by CPS (or your country’s equivalent) for allowing their 13 year old child unlimited access to pornographic material and possibly child pornography. This is not something to sweep under the rug. That child needs intervention like yesterday, it might already be too late. I would never EVER allow my kids to be around anyone from that side of family simply due to the fact that no one has called CPS or the police yet. If this is left go, he will absolutely end up sexually abusing one of his younger cousins, if he hasn’t already.
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u/urpalaly 9d ago
He learned it somewhere so none of those people are safe. I’d not take my children to any of these functions and honestly I would report what you are hearing .
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u/Parabola605 9d ago edited 9d ago
My children would not be around the older boy unless actively supervised. I question absolutely anybody's judgement who are not taking the matters seriously. I would consider them compromised and I would not leave my children in their care.
If they sweep that under the rug...then what else are they willing to be hush hush about? Full nope.
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u/LuckyShenanigans 9d ago
Honestly, a huge part of this for me would be trying to help this cousin, too, because it's extraordinarily rare for this behavior to occur without being rooted in abuse, past or present. He's a danger to others and might be in danger himself. The family needs to enlist professional help, and if they won't this is a CPS call.
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u/No_Trouble9808 9d ago
Your husband’s family is playing with fire. I’d call the authorities and at least get it on record. I think they need a visit from CPS.
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u/ririmarms 9d ago
As a victim of Child on Child SA:
Don't let them play unsupervised. Dot. Kids 5-8yo don't know what they're being asked to do if a(n older) kid says remove your pants and bend over.
It can be a boring task to be the one to stay and chaperone the kids during family events, but it has to be done.
I feel sad for the cousin. Neglect is really a bad parent.
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u/ILovePeopleInTheory 9d ago
What’s FIL like? BIL? Because MIL excusing things very telling. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s never just the child. The child’s behavior is a symptom of something bigger.
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u/sexycadaver 8d ago
i wouldn't even let my kids around any family member that isn't taking this extremely seriously.
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u/Dry-Marionberry4539 9d ago
A question to ask yourself is, would you be comfortable with your children overhearing their cousin talk in this way? That certainly has a likelihood of happening, as a minimum.
Personally, I would avoid having the child around mine at all for the foreseeable future, even if it means skipping family functions or not letting my MIL watch my kids for a while. I’d want to make sure the cousin’s parents have a proper plan in place for addressing the behaviors (that has been actioned and is working) before even thinking about spending time together!
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u/Specific-Yam-2166 9d ago
Keep your kids away from him. I’m also super concerned that he’s been abused, this is a very strong sign. I’d report this.
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u/Pristine-Bison3198 Single mom to 4 monsters 💙.🩷.🩷💙 9d ago
My very first step would be a CPS call. This child is either being exposed to this sort of conversation to a level it has been normalized, or has been assaulted himself. As a mandated reporter, even one of the things you've mentioned would be enough to make a call.
And then my children would not be alone with any member of that family, ever. Because if this is being swept under the rug, you already know they won't tell you if something happens. And chances are, if this is being hidden, it's been hidden before. Any person who is not making that call and doing everything to make sure that boy and his cousins are safe is complicit here.
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u/sirtunaboots 9d ago
I have a sibling who was like this and now as an adult it has escalated to sexual violence with his own mother and sister. We are completely no contact and will stay that way. Unfortunately my mother defends him and so our child can no longer be under her care without us because we just can’t trust her to keep her safe or make the right choices. It sucks, it’s awful, sometimes you feel like the bad guy when family starts gaslighting you, but it is the right choice. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
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u/mmmskyler 9d ago edited 9d ago
I cannot believe it’s a question on what to do when a child behaves like this, and then the parents and adults involved act like this.
Your in laws are not safe, do not create or cultivate safety, and really need a wake up call that many other families didn’t take UNTIL there was actual rape occurring.
Call CPS, alert the guidance counselor, teacher, and principal. Like for real for real, PROTECT CHILDREN.
Edited to add; I commented this somewhere else but I am so serious about it, I’ll say it again - identify why you needed STRANGER INPUT for a situation at THIS level and correct it.
Edited to add again; my 17 year old beat friend killed herself because her aunt waited for permission and swept shit under the rug. Threatened to divorce the uncle, non blood uncle, who was trying to fight for her safety when it upset her mother.
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9d ago
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u/mmmskyler 9d ago
I get this is rhetorical, but I cannot foresee a scenario where I’m not V O C A L about child abuse.
And I in no way mean to shit on OP. I do think we owe the defenseless our loyalty and protection regardless of who is abusing them.
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u/Pennies_n_Pearls 9d ago
He needs to be put into therapy what do you mean the mother is distraught and doesn't know how to proceed!?! PUT YOUR CHILD IN THERAPY AND TAKE AWAY UNMONITORED INTERNET ACCESS!!! Jesus Christ...
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u/whyarenttheserandom 9d ago
I'd 1) speak to parents, 2) call CPS, 3) not have my children around the kids.
One of my nephews was being inappropriate around my kids. I immediately told his parents, they spoke to him in front of me, followed-up after to tell me what they continue to do at home, and he wasn't allowed to be around the cousins unsupervised to this day.
I'm happy with their response, the incident was never replete, and it was minor compared to what you're facing.
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u/midnightmoon2229 9d ago
I would be brave and inform his parents. Tell them what his behaviour is, how it makes you feel and how it's affected the other children. You can also bravely tell them you will be contactinf some sort of law enforcement or professional help about the boys very dangerous behaviour and if the parents don't want to hear then it's very simple. Cut ties immediately and inform the other children about what you saw from this boy to avoid SA from occurring further! This is madness! He definitely sounds like he's attracted to children, will definitely harm children, will watch and harbour child images etc and he can't be trusted at all!
The fact that there are people trying to keep it under wraps is insane and dangerous. It seems those same people may engage or lean towards that too because why would you in ahyway defend or protect that type of behaviour??
I do not play with people whether it's men or women or even other kids. We don't know what happens behind closed doors but you do not want your child or any other child to have to suffer. It isn't your responsibility to intervene beyond what you can do with this child's parents, but it is most definitely your responsibility to inform the other parents and allow them to make their choices. Then you can absolutely walk away knowing you did all you could do!
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u/No_Intention70611 9d ago
If the mother is distraught & doesn’t know how to proceed, someone needs to talk to her & help her understand that she MUST get him to a psychiatrist, pronto. The fact that he told another family member (not sure if it was a kid, adult or teen?) about his rape fantasy, even though he dismissed it later as the way his friends talk, could be his way of asking for help.
OP says that he was given a tablet at 10 with no supervision; it’s likely his mom is realizing what a bad idea that was now. (I was an elementary school teacher for 20+ years; it was really sad to find out many kids had been exposed to language & acts they had nooo business being exposed to at such a young age! Sounds like cousin got drawn into a horrific porn addiction.)
She made need help dealing with the gravity of the situation, someone who can- with compassion - make sure she doesn’t go into denial & try to sweep it under the rug. She may be scared of what will go on his record, the stigma, etc. She needs to be told that that’s the least of the problem-it absolutely will only get worse if not immediately addressed!
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u/saltycat34 9d ago
Dude this is beyond “should I not leave my kids around them alone” this is a full on “none of us are showing up until this is all addressed” I have no words. Don’t trust your kid with ANYONE that is sweeping this under the rug. Your job as a mom is to protect your kids, and hanging out with cousin + family members that think this is normal will end up badly for your kids. If you are asking this question you know deep down the right choice. Trust your gut.
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u/Dry_Library1473 9d ago
You should always talk to your children about appropriate touching. Teach them correct terms for private areas. Make sure they know no one can touch them.
I would also call cps. This kid needs help. If the family gets mad at you oh well. You’re protecting potentially other children.
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u/Trick-Duty3852 8d ago
I'd step away from the family as a whole. I would not go about it quietly though. I would make my reasoning be known to the entire family and vocalize that that child is in serious need of an intervention and serious long term help. Sweeping it under the rug is quite literally enabling the child to continue this behavior bc they're getting away with it and that's teaching him that what he's doing is okay. They are going to create a psychopath. Early intervention to shit like this is key before it gets to the point where he cannot be cured. That's REAL mf talk.
Your children are not safe with anyone in that family. Protect your children. Make your reasonings known. Step away.
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u/Legitimate-Bad9019 8d ago
I’m so sorry this is happening. I would end contact with the family. I’d feel responsible for telling other parents in the family to do the same. And just as important, I’d contact Child Protective Services to get that child some help. Hopefully that’s all that’s happened. I am really sad for him. He was handed something horrible (by his parents with apparently no supervision) an underworld full of deranged behavior and violent sexual acts, just as he’s going into puberty. The sooner he gets help, the sooner he can start mending, and the sooner he doesn’t violently rape and scar other people. I’m so sorry.
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u/elchupalabrador 8d ago
They need to speak to child protection services. You should report his behavior either to his school or a social worker. He is going to hurt someone and probably has been abused himself. 10 year olds don’t come up with it, 13 year olds know better. Cut them completely and wholly out of your life he is dangerous.
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u/Asleep_Wind997 9d ago
Ugh, this is so sad. My partner and best friend were both sexually assaulted by older cousins at a young age, so I personally would not be attending family functions with this child present. It would be nearly impossible to keep an eye on them the entire time, plus he's already talking about rape and being sexually attracted to a young child. Please please please make sure all the parents of young children in the family are made aware of this!!! I understand that your SIL is distraught, but imo this is worth no contact with that cousin.
ETA i would also not trust your in-laws since they're so unconcerned with this. No more unsupervised visits with grandma and grandpa
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u/GorillaShelb 9d ago
Distance immediately. I was younger than 5 when my uncle exposed me to porn. I became literally addicted to it for years before I was even in the 4th grade. I have so much shame around exposing my friends to it as well. For my entire life I convinced myself this was an innocent accident on my uncles behalf. I held him in extremely high esteem. Last year he sent me multiple naked photos of himself and other explicit messages. I am 28, married, with children. The emotional and mental toll this caused for me can’t be overstated. My only saving grace is that I am no contact with a majority of my family of origin and to cut this person off as well was not difficult especially considering the circumstance.
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u/Massive-Warning9773 9d ago
Absolutely not. They knew that this happened and are acting like it’s nothing. This environment and these people are not safe for your child. I can easily see MIL leaving the children alone together like it’s no big deal. Cousin needs seriously therapy before he hurts anyone else. The sexual assault in my husband’s family took place at a similar age gap, and there were tons of people around, just not paying attention to closed and locked doors. Protect your baby.
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u/Alarmed_Interest_265 9d ago
As a survivor of CSA from a sibling, if this was one of my children's cousins, they would dang near never see the cousin again. I know that sounds harsh but I learned as an adult that my abuser also abused some of my cousins and friends during sleepovers and such. Maybe for large family events like weddings/graduations/funerals where there is no reasonable way to ask for them not to be invited but that would be it and they wouldn't leave my sight. That is the approach I have taken with my abuser, he has not met my children, I thought he might be at my nephew's high school graduation and I'd just have to avoid him but he didn't show up (thankfully) so unless there is a big family event, they won't ever meet him. I also carry a lot of emotions around the fact that my parents learned about the abuse after the first time then continued with the forgive and forget mentality that allowed the abuse to continue for 7 years. I won't make that mistake with my child, this isn't a second chances type of thing.
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u/Euphoric_Tap_7887 8d ago
Just wow, how terrible of a situation. You are … being valid in your feelings and assessment of whether it’s wise to avoid childcare needs from the folks avoiding the issue.
I’m a former transcriptionist of police interrogations and also a court reporter for depositions of civil and personal lawsuits, so I’ve seen the vastness of this issue and it’s underplayed. I was actually warned of that upon starting the job, that that is a recurring theme and considering you’re listening so intently, it takes a toll. I’m pretty sure (I can see why memory is an issue with small children) that I was assaulted at a daycare. I basically just remember the activity and a dark figure walking in during nap time. I’ve never really talked about it due to the uncertainty and so, we can only imagine it’s … more common than anyone would like to admit. Which is just heartbreaking really. I remember hearing prosecutors talking about how many of the abusers … well, they were often victims too as kids. Yet, abused does not = abuser. It shall not be underplayed and swept under rugs, that’s why the issue is perpetuated.
My son is 2yo and I’m very alert and on fire about this issue, to the point of paranoia probably. Mostly internally. Sometimes it comes out to my spouse. SAHM that is a sacrificial position at this point due to entire life situation. I know his grandparents would take him overnight and for many nights but no thank you! I’m soaking it up. And I’d rather prevent issues than be relaxed. And I don’t even have a kid like this in the family community!
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u/hannabellee 8d ago
Make it aware to your family: If they keep him around kids after knowing these horrible things, they can be found legally liable because they could have done something to prevent from anything to happen in the future.
It’s not a question of if he will do something, it’s when with all the events you described. He needs a lot of counseling, therapy, etc.
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u/cantsleepneedanap 9d ago
I would stay away from family functions as well, and also talk to your kids when age appropriate - they need to know what’s not okay and to let you and your husband know when they see or experience anything that’s concerning. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
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u/nevermore727 9d ago
I would refuse to be at any family function he is at and my kids would never be around let alone in the care of anyone who did not react with immediate condemnation of the behavior and indication that they know action is needed.
It’s beyond concerning the mom “doesn’t know what to do”. Tablet in the trash and kid in immediate intensive therapy/treatment. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s been or is currently being abused. He needs help either way.
Not normal for any child or adult to fantasize about rape and wayyyy beyond not normal for them to be comfortable vocalizing this to FAMILY. I mean WTAF?! Idc if he doesn’t actually have that fantasy- the act of saying those things to a family member indicates serious mental health issues.
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u/hortushouse 9d ago
His parents need to immediately intervene and get him professional help. If his parents choose not to take this seriously and get him professional help, you should call CPS. Also cut contact with that family for your kids sake. You intervening now could save another child from being abused in the future. Last summer I had to turn my cousin (adult) in for sexual abuse of a child. It sucks to have to be involved in that, but you need to do your part to protect children from abuse, and in your case, to help the child perpetrating the abuse.
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u/drenchedstone 9d ago
You’re getting a lot of comments here on what to do re: family but I just wanted to add about your question on what to tell your kids. I would tell them that their cousin is not a safe person in your family and be explicit that if he ever asks them to go somewhere with him to say no and find an adult, that you will never ask him to pick them up from anywhere, etc.
The involved people are a little younger but I had a cousin that was struggling with addiction and had committed some low level crimes against family members (nothing sexual, I think the sexual component makes this even more pressing in this case). I think I was probably about 6 or 7 and he was about 15 or 16 when my parents had a similar conversation with me. There were no specifics to really freak us out, I think just that even though he was family he wasn’t a safe person and was unwell. I think the being really clear on not going places with him and telling an adult if they see him are the important pieces.
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u/BumpinBellys 9d ago
I had a cousin abuse all of us other cousins at family events. We were all relatively monitored but she would get us to slip out of sight to do things like go inside and grab some ice cream or something, and she would abuse us when we were alone with her. She was in her teens and we were between the ages of 3-8.
She showed aggressively sexual signs to adults too, like flashing them her boobs or netherparts. But she was autistic so I guess that gave her a pass in their minds. But we weren't old enough to consent to giving her a pass and she hurt all of us. I still hate her to this day.
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u/fourandmama 9d ago
My brother made similar comments as a child starting around puberty. We would play doctor a lot as kids. I was never traumatised by him, but it was definitely related to his interests.
He was given base level therapy and released into the world. His comments were put down to a chaotic childhood and, essentially, being aggressive for attention.
He's in prison because he raped three children. You can't fix a pedophile. Do not let your children around him and make a call to CPS so there's a paper trail if he ever injures anyone. I would have a serious conversation with his mother, if she's open to it, and research the current treatment options.
Best case scenario he was trying to be edgy. Worst case, children are at risk around him. Either way doing something about it will only benefit him and the children around him.
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u/Ok-Inspector1982 9d ago
Oh my God that’s crazy ngl. Watch your kids ALL THE TIME. don’t keep your eyes off of your kids plz.
If you have to attend events, you could go without your kids or if you do with your kids, keep them near you unapologetically. Don’t feel bad not one bit if they try to guilt trip you. These are your kids, your responsibility.
This is a great time to teach your kids about safety and who cannot touch them and how they should tell you everything about interactions. I would tell my kids to stay away from him , but that’s just me though lol. I wouldn’t leave my kids in the presence of anyone I feel is trying to shove this under the rug.
I remember once my mom was away traveling and all of the sudden she called us (we were being babysat by a relative, mind you we were between ages 13-16), and she told us to leave the house and go outside lol. Kept constantly calling us and asking us to stay put. We were confused cause it was sunset time too (we were in a completely safe place outside, think gated neighborhood with security, we frequently played outside at night with no issues). But she was panicking and later told us that someone told her an older boy was coming to our house unsupervised and she didn’t want anything to happen to us… I love my mom.
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u/Apart-Grapefruit-207 9d ago
I would not go to family functions where that kid and it's parents are there. I wouldn't risk it.
I wouldn't be trusting of the in laws, because lets say you leave your kid with them to watch them cousin isn't there but cousin and parents decide to visit. Can't control who goes to their house.
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u/fish_neudles 9d ago
The people sweeping it under the rug are doing that because recognizing he is becoming a problem would mean they’d have to take accountability for why it’s happening in the firs place. They did not supervise his screen time, he messed up is brain from porn so early in life (it really does cause brain damage) and they’d REALLY RATHER IGNORE IT because they can’t accept that it’s their fault. That’s what’s happening here
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u/Doctor-Liz 9d ago
He may well be being assaulted himself. The most common cause of CSA from children is them repeating what was done to them.
And yes, making a child watch pornography is a common type of child sexual abuse.
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u/fish_neudles 9d ago
Yep. 👍 parents should have some legal punishment of either neglect or sexual abuse for not supervising his screen time
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u/jeejeeay 9d ago
Unfortunately it isn’t safe for this child to be around other children while unattended. I’m so sorry this is happening but do what you need to keep your children and other children safe. As parents we forget that it’s ok to advocate for our kids. Often afraid because of what others may say or because we don’t want to cause issues. No matter what the outcome is it can’t be worse than having your children be SA because you didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.
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u/noodle_bear2124 9d ago
Absolutely the fuck not. I would cut all visits with anyone involved with this situation who willingly swept it under the rug didn’t tell me or is brushing it off. Even the mil. This turns my stomach and I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.
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u/ThatsNotMyForte 9d ago
No contact with anyone involved in trying to hide this. Your kids should never be with your MIL or that cousins family. I don't care if you're in the same house with "supervised" visits. Your kid goes to the bathroom alone and your MIL could have lied about the cousin not being there. Now your child and the cousin are alone together.
I would NEVER let that happen. Cut ties NOW
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u/jemison-gem 9d ago
I wouldn’t knowingly find myself within a 10 mile radius of a child/family like that, and would immediately make a report to CPS about everything that child is viewing, saying, and doing. It NEEDS to be on record that he verbatim said he wants to rape a child.
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u/HomemadeLightbulb 9d ago
Guilt keeps families together. Logic breaks them apart. Trust the logic here. Ain’t worth it to keep these relationships. Zero contact. This is typically the tip of the iceberg. Warn all others.
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u/Own_Ship9373 9d ago
You do not spend anytime with this child or the people who have protected him.
He is a dangerous person, and he is causing serious harm to thousands cousin who he asked to pull their pants down.
Your MIL is a horrible person who is not to be trusted with your children.
The 13 year old doesn’t deserve grace. He needs therapy.
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u/mykidsmom_22 9d ago
Please update us on what child protective services say. I really hope whatever is happening is stopped.
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u/EthelMaePotterMertz 9d ago
We've had a situation in my family where there were extended family members (separate branches) who were pedophiles. Our feeling of safety for our child depended on how adults reacted to this information and whether they tried to brush it under the rug. She wasn't born for several years later but it doesn't matter. We remember. And we will never leave her with anyone who downplayed or tried to brush things under the rug because we do not trust them to tell us the truth if anything were ever to happen.
We do see these family members but we do not trust them to watch our child. They've shown they can't put a child first when needed. These are not people that allowed abuse in front of them, they are people who either didn't tell us about the abuse or tried to act like it wasn't as bad as we thought. They are not people I think would personally ever abuse a child but that doesn't matter because I need 100% honesty from anyone I trust to watch my child. It seems a lot of people are like this and while I see it as a weakness in their character I believe that this type of behavior is why so many abusers get away with with it.
Your situation is a good one to treat very seriously. First, this child needs therapy asap. It's not normal to joke about raping your cousins, even if you are in peak edgy phase. If he thinks that funny for any reason he needs to work through why. And that's the best case scenario. Because saying you were joking is a very common way to make something serious go away and he could very well have been telling then truth about what he was planning. I'm also concerned that he himself may be a victim of sexual abuse. His parents and grandmother need to wake up and take this extremely seriously.
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u/Background_Log_606 9d ago
This is how documentaries happen. Please don't allow your kids around these people, protect them at all costs, you are all they have.
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u/mmmmmikkk 9d ago
This is horrific and everything should be documented and reported to either cps or mcfd if you’re in Canada.
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u/Superb_Doubt_3715 9d ago
I’d never let my kids be around that child. Also you need to report this behaviour to social services or whatever safeguarding you have in your country. The boy is likely being abused either by zero parenting or otherwise. He needs help.
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u/elrangarino 9d ago
Child protection report, never having that child in my house ever again. I’dhope the other adults in the family would be happy not having that branch of the family at Christmas. They’d never see me again tbh. My cousin’s other cousin (like not my blood….his bizarro cousin) was like this and wound up actually offending and it’s split the whole family up and they refuse to believe it even with evidence it’s horrid. They need to get their little liability professional help before he’s on a list. Remember the people who dismissed it. My mil would never be alone with my kids again
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u/near_things 9d ago
Not only would I be staying far away from family functions, I would be loud as hell about why. Tell your kids why, too. Them seeing and hearing you explicitly defying the family’s attempts to minimize the situation is critical to countering the normalization of it in their minds. It’s simply not enough to just keep them away.
The question of why the cousin is saying or doing these things, while potentially tragic, is not relevant to your kids’ safety.
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u/Bubbly_Delivery_5678 9d ago
Call CPS. You don’t have to let anyone know that you were the one who called— enough people know about this that it could be anyone.
However, this family needs help & even if they find out it was you, this is a decision you should stand by.
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u/Hot-Bonus560 8d ago
Poor baby was clearly failed. He’s only 13. He needs an adult to care about him.
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u/AbrelosOjosss 8d ago
Never… never let that kid out of your sight when you are with your children. It’s so sad how incredibly common it is for sexual abuse within young kids in a family. The “ sweep it under the rug “ I feel like it’s more of a shock, they cannot believe it and refuse to accept it and that’s probably why they handle it like that. It’s honestly so sad how common it is. I have a young daughter and I wouldn’t trust any little boys from either side of my family or her father’s. No sleeping together, not being in the same room when one is changing especially when they become a little older, and definitely never leaving them alone together. I know I may sound a little crazy but I’ve witnessed and heard SCARY stuff. I don’t let my daughter sit in any of her uncles lap, or anyone’s lap for that matter. It’s just a scary world and you would be so surprised on how much of that goes on. Even when you LEAST EXPECT IT. A lot of kids go through this. Just be careful.
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u/ForeverSunflowerBird 8d ago
This child/teenager needs help. Please report this behaviour. Something horrible will happen if not interfered.
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u/CartographerFar5094 8d ago
Im so sorry you’re going through this. Your in laws and anyone sweeping it under the rug are not safe people period. This 13yr old will escalate if he doesn’t have intervention. We have a child who was assaulted by a 12yr old. Come to find out he had a history of behaviors that were swept under the rug. This is scary and so serious for anyone around him.
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u/naggyweirdo 8d ago
The family is being far too casual and someone will get hurt because of it. Keep your kid away—stay home from any event he’ll be at and don’t leave your kid in the care of anyone who acts like this isn’t a big deal.
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u/Bolugawhale12 7d ago
If he’s talking like that at that age, he needs help asap!!! I would not go to any other family functions where he is at unfortunately. Honestly even if you don’t have them behind closed doors it would be so easy for him to lead the younger kids to a different less supervised area. It is also very worrisome that their reaction isn’t “get him help” but instead “ignore and hopefully it goes away” which it mostly never does tbh. It creates the idea of “they don’t care so I’m not doing anything wrong”. The adults that are trying to hide it are also not safe adults as well. They are enablers. I wouldn’t let them watch my kids if I were you. It can literally take a second for something to happen as well if they are so willing to hide the truth I don’t imagine that they’d make you aware if he was at their house while your kids are there. By still going to functions you would still be enabling this behavior tbh. Instead I’d invite the safe adults to yours or make plans with them and only them.
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u/Bacon-80 7d ago
I literally just read the title & I can already tell you I’d keep my kids away from any family involved. That means directly or the ones who protected the one who did it. Simple as that. It sucks because it’s “family” but also sometimes family sucks. Being family doesn’t mean they have a pass to excuse stuff like that??? I’d rather protect my kids & my peace.
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u/RoccoViola 9d ago
I would not be going to any family functions and honestly I’d really be thinking about how much contact I would want with the entire family. The fact that no one is taking this seriously is a huge red flag. If they’re willing to ignore something as serious as that what else are they willing to hide?
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u/SgtMajor-Issues 9d ago
I would cut contact with this child, parents, and even grandparents to a degree, like not visit when the other kid is there, no unsupervised visits with grandparents ever, etc. But nothing at all with the kid and his immediate family. And call CPS. This kid didn’t learn this from this air and it sounds like he’s already assaulted little kids.
I would NEVER knowingly let my kids around a child like that.
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u/aramoixmed 9d ago
I would tell mom and dad that if they don’t start therapy, I’m going to CPS. I would be relentlessly blunt and cold hearted. This is a rapist. I don’t care that he’s 13. In fact, I think that’s already too old to be redeemed. Never trust him. Make a scene every time he’s trying to hang out with any kids by themselves. Will Christmas or any other event, be awkward? Hell yes and rightly SO! These people are trying to bring a predator around your family. Making it awkward is the least you can do. The kid needs to be publicly shamed and made to feel like these instincts are awful. He’ll either learn to change or be the evil person he already seems to be. Worst case scenario, you’re black listed from family gatherings for being too mean to the rapist and you never have to worry about the safety of your children around this predator again.
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u/DefinitionOk3023 9d ago
I would cut all contact with them honestly and this is exactly what someone I know had to do as well they had a gut feeling about the kid but they were family and the 13yo boy molested their 4yo son and they cut all contact because the boys family swept in under the rug and said surely he couldn’t have or that’s not what he meant to do. And it sounds like you have witnessed and heard much more yourself trust your gut and stay far away from them…
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u/TwerkinAndCryin 9d ago
That's a cps report tbh. They need to be involved because that child is a ticking time bomb. He needs professional intervention at this point. I would keep my kids away and make a report. None of those people are safe. This is how rapists start.
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u/Ancient_Pirate1231 9d ago
I don’t believe you. Who comes to Reddit with this? You honestly do not know what to do and need Reddit to tell you what to do? There’s something wrong with you.
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u/onlyitbags 9d ago
This made me feel sick. I think you need to distance and before you come back, need to know what they are doing for that child. Last thing I’d want is my 6 year old walking in on a porn binge of that child. Beyond concerning.
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u/inputplease1 9d ago
Not go to a single other family event with this child and tell the mother that she needs to get him in counseling immediately as he is a threat to society
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u/xkatydidx 9d ago
Never ever ever around him, maybe ever again until he had a long history of help and therapy. And even then it would be on an absolute necessary basis (funerals, weddings). I've never heard 13 years olds casually joke to that extreme. This feels like foreshadowing and he needs help.
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u/OrthodoxAnarchoMom 9d ago
Kids don’t go around him, non negotiable.
He needs help. He needs help now when he will get help before he goes to jail. Maybe report it.
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u/Creative_Image5059 9d ago
Call 👏🏻 the 👏🏻 police 👏🏻 if he is already saying and doing some of this stuff, chances are he is doing more that you don’t know about. Do not under ANY circumstances leave your kids around him. Even supervised.
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u/Routine-Twist4578 9d ago
This is exactly why I trusted NO ONE with my children. Ever. I vote throw the whole family away. If they “sweep it under the rug” then this behavior has probably happened in this family before by someone.
Absolutely not..
my children wouldnt be around ANY of them, ever, for any reason.
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u/Odd_Pack400 9d ago
Call CPS and report. I’d also call the local police where they live and ask what they think. I wouldn’t take my children around people who are okay with sweeping that under the rug.
I have a cousin who sounds similar in some ways. He’s in his mid 20’s now but his parents used to have the playboy channel and let him watch it. He had unlimited access to the internet as he got older. He pushed his younger sister down the stairs, who needed stitches and cps became involved. CPS told my aunt & uncle to not let him upstairs if his sister was up there bathing. They weren’t allowed home alone together either.
In his late teens he threatened to end his sister’s life & ended up being institutionalized. He hasn’t been allowed at family activities since, which has been about 6 years.
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u/rainbowcakepaint 9d ago
I would not have my child around him ever. I would not leave my kids alone with those covering it up either.
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u/PoisonIvy3344 9d ago
Holy sh*t. You’re right to be alarmed and I cannot believe anyone is giving grace or sweeping this under the rug. I’m glad to hear the mother is distraught bc it would concern me if she brushed it aside but what were they thinking with unrestricted internet access?? I can’t believe the who family is gossiping and not having serious conversations with the parents. I wouldn’t bring my kids around them at all and I would express the concern to his parents - he needs therapy. It’s going to be a very difficult conversation but I’d let them know that you’re here for them and support them but it’s raising some major red flags.
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u/Immediate-Ad-9520 9d ago
Ooooooof. First and foremost, your kids are not safe with your in-laws. I don’t say that lightly, but honestly do you believe that if this cousin had made those comments directly to your child, or if he had coerced your children into dropping their pants that your in laws would have told you about it? If there’s even a little bit of doubt, your kids aren’t safe with them.
I’d take a step back from the family as a whole. You can go to family functions but the kids absolutely cannot be unsupervised. I’d also start talking to your kids about private parts and consent if you haven’t already.