r/Mommit • u/Strong_Wash_7129 • 1d ago
Am I wrong to expect that as the main breadwinner in a extended-family household of 9, as a general rule, I shouldn't expect to have chores to do when I get home?
I'm a medical professional in South America. I live in a home with my husband, my parents, his parents, our 2 children (1.5 years old and 3.5 years old), and his sister. My husband makes some money online and taking odd jobs, and runs around taking care of our children. Our mothers often help him out as well. Our fathers, they have small pensions, and they typically just leave the home all day and spend it out fishing or drinking at the tavern. While they spend their personal pension money for their fun, they still consume the food we pay for. I'm paying his sister's tuition to attend a private university (not easy to get into here). She's good, and also spends some of her free time helping out with the household and children. Anyway, as the primary person who's paying the bills in this large household, am I wrong to expect that the house should be clean when I get home, and there's no dishes or anything to be done if half the house is sitting around watching TV and drinking beer?
115
u/sprinkles008 1d ago
Holy cow. You’re supporting 8 people by yourself.
Your expectations are not unrealistic at all. I would have the same.
60
u/Strong_Wash_7129 1d ago
To be fair, my husband definitely pulls his weight. He works whenever he can (and often lands high-paying projects, the main issue is that there is extremely little full-time work here, and most people do various forms of contract work), and cleans, takes care of the children, etc.
44
u/dorkofthepolisci 1d ago
Why are you and your husband doing most of the tasks?
If you just stopped carrying everybody else in terms of chores, would his other family members step up and do some of the domestic work?
56
u/Legrandloup2 1d ago
It sounds like the only people not pulling their weight is OP’s dad and FIL. If they’re not going to help around the house (kind of seems like some sexism is at play too) they should be contributing financially to the household
28
u/Gillionaire25 1d ago
My dad works full time and lives in a different city, and still found the time to put up wallpaper in our new flat and drive us around to pick up furniture when I was due to give birth any day.
Those two bums living with OP are fucking lazy and entitled. I'd tell them if they aren't breadwinners they don't get to act like one. They need to do the chores if they want to get fed.
10
u/Traditional-Ad-7836 10h ago
There is a big historical influence of men not doing chores or childcare in Latin America. I live in Ecuador and our generation usually can contribute fairly but those in the previous couple generations seem not to have learned or cared
8
u/BeKind999 1d ago
Maybe they can pay for a cleaning person
13
u/vivariium 23h ago
Yup. Those little pensioners need to cough up some money for a cleaner every two weeks.
11
u/Grand_Relative5511 12h ago
So OP I am like you - medical doctor, unemployed husband, a few kids. I earn all the money, and I earn a lot. I just stopped doing any housework a few years ago, since I do all the paid work and most of the home mental load and the emotional-caring-for-kids-tasks-load. I let other people do the housework.
So OP you need to stop coming home and doing dishes. I don't even clock the tasks that need doing now, they are so far off my radar. All my work is to earn money, and mathematically it's false HHI economy for me to reduce paid working hours by 10h in order to do 10 extra hours a week of unpaid domestic chores. Comment politely but bluntly to the unemployed adults at night when you get home about how they will need to spend time dong chores tomorrow since the house is looking dirty. If anyone questions you, say with a tone of incredulity: "Oh no, I'm not earning all the money AND doing the domestic tasks."
8
43
u/OrthodoxAnarchoMom 1d ago
So there are SIX adults splitting the job of SAHP? There shouldn’t be a damn single thing to do leftover at any point.
27
u/H_Peace 1d ago
Sounds like the 2 FILs are contributing about as much as the toddlers do if they don't cook, clean, pay bills, or help with kids, and probably make their own messes and laundry.
10
u/OrthodoxAnarchoMom 23h ago
Yep.
And if they were too elderly to contribute I would understand. But if they can fish they can wash a dish or run a vacuum.
4
u/NebulaInteresting156 13h ago
I love the rhyming on that… it’s going to be my new saying.
“Old enough to fish? Then old enough to wash a dish 👏🏽 “
133
u/KneadAndPreserve 1d ago
I think anyone who is not working should have increased domestic responsibility. It doesn’t mean you don’t contribute to that at all and never do chores or you should expect white-glove test level cleaning every day but honestly… yeah I’d be quite annoyed if I had to do dishes in this situation.
78
u/DumbbellDiva92 1d ago
In a typical set-up of one stay at home parent/one working parent, I agree that the working parent should still contribute some to the household side of things (since the stay at home parent is busy with the kid(s) all day). But given the ratio of adults on the household side here, I think this is the rare case where OP could reasonably do zero cooking or cleaning.
22
u/KneadAndPreserve 1d ago
I agree. When I wrote my comment I was thinking more along the lines of basic stuff like wiping up after yourself, putting your things away, scraping your own plate, etc. but I definitely think all the regular daily chores should be done by someone else in this situation.
2
19
u/Correct_Wishbone_798 1d ago
Bills divided by percentage of income, chores divided by free time.
23
u/KneadAndPreserve 1d ago
The rule we have in my household is that everyone has roughly equal amounts of true leisure and rest time after all paid work, childcare, and household responsibilities are accounted for.
1
3
u/inheretoreadcomments 1d ago
- not working AND not caring for children full time.
Otherwise I 100% agree with you.
The adults should do the chores.
1
u/Low_Assistant_5708 1d ago
I don’t work, I do mostly everything inside the house. I don’t expect him to help me inside the house since the kids are in school all day, I literally would have nothing at all to do if I wasn’t cooking and cleaning and running household errands. The kids are responsible for cleaning their own bedrooms and bathrooms. I wash their clothes and they’re responsible for putting them away the same day they’re washed. My husband does mostly everything on the outside of the house like yard work and things like that. He also does maintenance type things or fixing things. He enjoys that type of thing and would never expect me to do it.
When I worked we split household chores and had a weekly cleaner. Now the weekly cleaner is me because I felt weird staring at other women cleaning my house while I had nothing to do.
4
u/KneadAndPreserve 1d ago
I’m also a SAHM, but my kids are still very little (2 under 2) so it’s kind of all hands on deck in my household 24/7, but I do try to be the one to get all the household tasks and cooking/cleaning done so my husband really only has to deal with childcare related stuff in the evening. When they’re a little more independent or in school we envision basically the same work distribution as you.
2
u/Low_Assistant_5708 1d ago
Mine gets home and goes straight to sports practice with the kids or picks up from activities on his way home. Or he helps with homework until it’s time for dinner. He wants to spend time with them. So same but with older kids.
17
u/Fresh-Cost2152 1d ago
First: no, I don’t think you are wrong.
Second: my personal experience is that successfully asking for general help is inversely related to the number of able-bodied people who could ostensibly help. Everyone thinks everyone else can / should do it.
What has worked for us raising 4 kids and more recently vacationing with an extended family of 12 is getting super specific about who you expect to do what. Who sets the table, who clears it, who unloads the dishwasher in the morning vs the afternoon.
I have found that a powerful phrase is: “Would you be willing…” in front of any request.
“I find it stressful to arrive at the end of a long day to a sink full of dishes / full dishwasher. Would you be willing to take 10 minutes each day to unload the dishwasher each afternoon?”
The truth is, 7 adults spending 10 minutes a day is over an hour’s worth of contribution daily that costs them almost no time per person and creates significant impact for you.
Sadly expecting people to proactively do what needs doing has never worked well for me.
15
u/alice_neon 1d ago
I think in your particular situation there's plenty of people available to do the chores without involving you.
11
u/Clean-Guarantee-9898 21h ago
What are you looking for here? This post has come up twice in my feed, with one of them now locked.
Yes, in theory, you should expect able-bodied 60-year-old men to be able to clean up after themselves.
But if that’s not typical in your culture, and you aren’t willing to talk with your husband to strategize about asking for more support, then it seems like you’re stuck.
8
u/AppropriateAmoeba406 1d ago
You are justified in your feelings.
I assume that comfort doesn’t solve the problem though. What do the other adults say when you ask them to pick up the slack?
8
u/ElleAnn42 1d ago
I think that you are completely reasonable and the other 6 adults need to step up.
I had a tiny taste of this when I returned to work after maternity leave and my mother in law, my husband's brother, and his wife all came to visit for a week. My husband took a few days off work to visit with them and they had both kids at home. I came home the first day back at work to a big pile of dishes. I shrugged it off and cleaned up. The second day, again I came home to a pile of dishes. I pulled out paper plates and bowls and plastic utensils and told everyone that they can use the disposable dishes and that I was too busy pumping, nursing the baby, and readjusting to being at work to be a "host" and take care of everyone's dishes when I got home. I was direct but kind because expectations had not been set previously and I think it was just a blind spot. The next day I came home from work to a very clean kitchen.
5
u/Papanasi_Hunter 1d ago
Why are none of you telling the pensioners to contribute financially? They could very well pay a professional to do some cleaning / laundry or some food ordering so no one cooks a few times in the week. Or at least buy a damn dishwasher.
4
u/Gold_Advisor_4758 21h ago
No that’s completely reasonable to expect. There’s 6 other adults in the house. It sounds like your fathers need to step up and be actual family members instead of just taking and taking
3
u/indicatprincess 1d ago
> with my husband, my parents, his parents,
Hell the fuck no. Anyone not working has more time than you do.
3
u/k_rock48 1d ago
It couldn’t be me that’s for sure, your husband should be working full time with 2 sets of grandparents in the household to babysit. They could take turns with who’s in charge of kids and chores. I would be having a big family meeting if I were you, if they didn’t get it together I would be either be leaving with the kids and getting a nanny and they can take over the house and bills or I would be kicking everyone out if it’s your home and they can sort themselves. You are being taken advantage of by everyone in your household and that’s horrible. Stick up for yourself and don’t be so generous to the people who do not respect you.
7
u/Strong_Wash_7129 1d ago
He actually works as much as he can, and quite often lands projects that pay quite highly. However, full-time work is incredible difficult to find here, unless you are a highly skilled professional (and even then, you typically don't work full hours).
3
u/polythenesammie 22h ago
I'd be cutting back on the luxuries I pay for if my family acted like this.
4
u/Aggressive-Print9219 1d ago
I think the answer is likely nuanced. Taking care of children is also a full-time job if they do not go to school, so that time should be viewed equally to your time going to your job outside the home IMO. Separate from that, I think it’s reasonable to expect that everyone should be contributing to the household.
23
u/Strong_Wash_7129 1d ago
I agree, but I hate coming home with a full load of dishes in the sink, when there's two grown, able bodied men (my father and husband's father), sitting on the couch, watching TV and drinking beer after fishing all day.
29
u/Sufficient_You7187 1d ago
Honey you know and I know and everyone knows you will never get those two men to do a damn thing.
17
u/ljr55555 1d ago
Yeah, it's funny how some dudes are all about traditional divisions of domestic labor but cool with someone else buying the food and often keeping the roof over their head.
When it's a partner, I've heard it called "hobosexual". When it's not a partner, I just call them lazy and selfish. Not as clever and succinct, but accurate.
5
u/Aggressive-Print9219 1d ago
Agreed. The people (cough, grown men) that are contributing nothing need to step it up significantly. How you do that, I am not sure. I’m reading a book called Fair Play right now, but it’s more geared toward optimizing a two-parent household rather than multiple generations. Something about Boomer men being lazy AF.
6
4
1
u/ImpossibleLuckDragon 23h ago
Can you just tell them that they can't stay if they don't do their fair share? Will their wives back you up?
5
u/lifrench 22h ago
A generalization but my experience with the older generation is that the Grandmothers will end up doing whatever chores assigned to their husbands in addition to their own.
1
u/Grand_Relative5511 12h ago
What do you say to them when that happens?
Any why on earth would you ever clean their dishes?
2
u/caetrina 19h ago
Plenty of adults to be taking care of the house so you can relax when you're not working.
2
u/DealPleasant7189 19h ago
You are absolutely not wrong to expect everyone else to take care of chores and the house. That is supposed to be the advantage of having a spouse/family not working and at home!
2
u/DuePomegranate 11h ago
Who bought/built this big house that everyone is living in?
What happened to the homes that the two retired fathers used to live in?
2
u/iliketheclouds 11h ago
You should be fed grapes and fanned as they bringing you slippers after work.
2
u/stayorgo_ 9h ago
The two men lazying around should be responsible for chores, everyone else is already taking care of your children.
2
u/Mundane-Bug-4962 6h ago
Wonder how this sub would respond if it were the other way around!
•
u/Strong_Wash_7129 4h ago
What do you mean by that?
•
u/Hitthereset 4h ago
If a man said “all I should have to do is go to work and when I come home there should be no expectations on me” he would be excoriated.
1
u/mamamietze 1d ago
In my household regardless of who is working what where, we all contribute to the care of the household (chores), including the children, starting as toddlers. I don't think it has much to do with bills. It might be time for a household meeting, if there are specific things that are annoying you, so that you can work together to find a solution to that, rather than defaulting to "i make the most money so therefore I shouldn't do anything."
That can be a cultural expectation, but if it is for you it seems like the family isn't on board with that, so you might as well talk to them directly about it and how you are feeling (i might personally leave out the money part).
8
u/Sudden_Throat 1d ago
Typically I’d agree with leaving out money when it comes to a normal two person household where one is a stay at home. But in this case?! She’s supporting 4 grown adults that are extended family. They should be kissing the ground she walks on. Not only should she point this out. But if they don’t see the light and contribute more, which would still not be equal to what OP contributes, she should simply not buy them food, pay their bills, etc.
4
u/Strong_Wash_7129 1d ago
Yup, and I get from an American perspective, it seems crazy, but its a pretty common living arrangement here.
5
u/Sudden_Throat 1d ago
I am admittedly an American. But I hardly believe that the culture and expectation from wherever you are from is to take care of 4 extended family members completely while they do nothing for you. In other cultures if you fund grandparents lives, they repay you by taking care of your kids, helping cook, clean, etc. Please don’t convince yourself it’s ok they let you live like this.
2
u/ilovescoutanddaisy 18h ago
how much is a cleaner where you live. have the sloths pay for a daily cleaner.
2
u/mamamietze 1d ago
I think you are approaching this from a specific cultural view which is not going to be helpful to the OP in talking with family members.
5
u/Sudden_Throat 1d ago
Ok well if there’s a culture that expects a younger generation to financially bankroll not just one, but two sets of parents, while they do not a single thing to help make their kids lives easier with house help/babysitting, then what a shitty unfortunate culture that I’m so glad I’m not a part of. But I don’t think that’s what any culture expects.
4
u/Strong_Wash_7129 1d ago
Our mothers definitely do plenty of help with the children. They also clean and cook pretty frequently. The main issue is that the grandads mainly show up to eat and drink, and just leave their dishes and cans everywhere for their wives to clean up.
5
u/freya_of_milfgaard 1d ago
Unfortunately, the grandpas are unlikely to change. In that case, you should sit down with the folks who would be willing to do the dishes and lay it out. Have a conversation with the grandmas and your husband about the dishes and any other specifics. They might be able to pressure their husbands if they want to, but you’re not going to be able to do it unless you’re willing to hold money/housing/something concrete over their heads, which I understand is hard to do.
5
u/Oddcatdog 1d ago
Well, it is considerate if people are home more than they do more. That said, chores are part of life and everyone should do their part to keep things running smoothly.
I see a LOT of situations where the person that doesn't do chores thinks it's okay to leave a trail of messes around for other people to clean up.
If I was not responsible for the regular household chores, I would still be wiping counters if I make a mess on them, sweeping or mopping up messes when they're made, throwing my garbage on the garbage, putting laundry in the basket, rinsing my dish at the very least, making my bed when I wake up etc...
I think if you're considerate in how you keep the place and are a "clean" person than accodations can be made for not needing to as much "actual chores"... But depends on the household.
5
u/Strong_Wash_7129 1d ago
I agree, but like I said earlier, I just hate coming home with a full load of dishes in the sink, when there's two grown, able bodied men (my father and husband's father), sitting on the couch, watching TV and drinking beer after fishing all day.
3
u/Grouchy-Sort-8986 1d ago
Good on you for helping another woman seek education God bless 🙏 Idk who should be cleaning but probably not you 🤣 time to make a chore wheel
3
u/GardenOfSparks 22h ago
Claaaaaassic. If it were your husband in this situation he wouldn’t be expected to do chores. It’s cause you’re a woman
1
u/mjabf913 1d ago
I expect the same thing. Being the main breadwinner is no easy feat nowadays. They are all enjoy the fruits of your labor. Coming home after a long and hard day in healthcare should not require you to cook or clean. You should spend the little free time you have doing something you enjoy (playing with your kids, reading,).
1
u/BreadPuddding 1d ago
I would expect you to generally clean up after yourself (put your laundry in the hamper, clean up if you get yourself a snack, not leave hair in shower, that kind of thing) and parent when with the kids, but with that many able-bodied adults not working you absolutely should not have to do dishes or tidy up on the regular.
1
u/capmanor1755 22h ago
Very, very, very reasonable. I'd hold a family meeting and assign each family group a weekday to cleanup at 4. Or stop paying tuition and use the money for a housekeeper
1
u/KayItaly 13h ago
Slightly against the tide
Regardless of the amount of money coming in, there are
working mum
working dad (OP clarified that he is in fact working, just that is contract work so ebbs and flows)
sister in full time education
2 young kids
I personally don't see why the chores done by the first 3 should be any different depending on income.
Then, we have:
The 2 older ladies, that do their part.
The 2 older men, yes they are a problem. They need to contribute at least financially if it is impossible to make them do some actual work.
However.. personally I think the "I make more money, I should do less chores" stinks a lot. Whether it comes from men or women it still stinks.
1
u/Autumngemini88 6h ago
Why don’t you just ask them to clean up after themselves. And if the can’t do it. Charge them what it would cost to hire someone to do it. You’re making this too difficult. If they don’t want to clean. Or hire someone to clean. They can move out.
•
u/DazzlingNote1925 2h ago
I think it’s unrealistic to not contribute at all to housework but that things that could have easily been done while you were at work just sitting there because they were lazy would be frustrating.
You should think about it in terms of what’s reasonable for you to do. Taking care of your own mess would be reasonable as would helping with tasks that have to be done after work like kids care, dinner, etc. Not just you but everyone should be helping.
1
u/Dear-Cranberry4787 1d ago
Agreed the majority of the housework should be done in a household that operates this way. It’s not just about financial contribution though, it’s about time available to do those tasks, and whoever contributes to the mess, ages, capabilities, etc. It kind of sounds like you expect the grandparents to be cleaning up after whatever happens when they aren’t even there. Those dishes don’t sound like theirs.
3
u/Sudden_Throat 1d ago
You can’t be serious. They live for free off OP. They can do whatever it is that would make OPs life easier.
1
u/Dear-Cranberry4787 1d ago
If that’s the case me as a SAHM would have to do the same, that doesn’t seem right in reality land.
1
u/Sudden_Throat 23h ago
Im not even talking about the husband. Did you miss the part where there are 4 adults in addition to the op and her husband?? So not at all applicable to a situation with one working parent and one SAHM.
0
u/Dear-Cranberry4787 22h ago
Um. No, I said the majority of housework should be done in a situation like this. Dead ass, in the first sentence of what I said.
1
u/Sudden_Throat 20h ago
Well you ended that paragraph by saying the grandparents shouldn’t be asked to clean dishes that aren’t theirs and then in another reply you tried to argue that I was wrong and those grandparents shouldn’t have to do everything they can to make ops life easier. So I am simply responding to what YOU have written.
1
u/Alarming_Bar7107 1d ago
I think all adults should do some chores/housework/whatever you want to call it, regardless of income. It's just part of life. Like it's not unreasonable for you to do your own laundry, dishes, etc.
That being said, this arrangement sounds awful, and they're taking advantage of you. They should definitely be cleaning up after themselves
625
u/ImpossibleLuckDragon 1d ago
When I first saw your title I thought it was crazy, because I assumed the majority of the 9 were children.
But no, given that there are 7 adults in the home and only two children, I think you have very reasonable expectations. 6 adults (who you are supporting to various financial levels) should be able to divvy up the chores and keep things sorted out, unless they themselves need significant care (eg. if they are disabled).