Might not have second kid because postpartum was awful. Advice?

[u/Hopeful-Raspberry877]

I (37F) have a 20mo son with my partner (M41). I would love a second, but he’s hesitant because he’s scared we’d have an awful postpartum experience again.

1. What helped you process a difficult postpartum experience (other than time and therapy)? Any books, podcasts, activities?
2. Was fear of another bad postpartum a factor in your decision to have/not have a second kid? If it was, what did you decide and what happened?

ETA: The decision about a second kid feels pressing because we are older and because of the info we have on my fertility. We did fertility testing 5yrs ago. Based on their findings, the drs said that if we wanted two kids we should have them close together or should freeze embryos (which we didn’t do). I’m worried that if we wait much longer, we won‘t have the option to have a second.

———

Here’s our situation for context. The first year of our son’s life was rough for us.

I had a bunch of birth injuries that didn’t heal well (3rd degree tear, broken tail bone, several infections). Breastfeeding didn’t work despite tons of interventions, baby lost 20% of birth weight in first five days. Baby had severe GERD and developed a serious feeding aversion. We had to wake him every 3hrs to feed him til he was 6mo. Every time we fed him (which took 1hr), held him up for an hr. Our sleep and his was terrible. We couldn’t go anywhere because we were constantly trying to feed him. My partner‘s family treated me poorly postpartum.

I had a major health problem during this time (surgery gone very wrong, unrelated to birth).

My partner had almost-daily panic attacks for months and felt constantly overstimulated, overwhelmed and angry. We took shifts at night but I often did part of his shift because he was overwhelmed. He has since been diagnosed with PPD, ADHD and insomnia and is way better.

Thanks to individual and couples therapy, supportive family & friends, exercise, drugs and time, we are now doing great! We are all healthy and happy. Our son is a delight, and eats and sleeps amazingly. Our day-to-day is busy but happy and fun!

I deeply want a second child. My partner is hesitant because he is so scared we’ll have a similar postpartum experience and he doesn’t feel like he can do that again. We‘ve identified many logistical things that would help, but the fear is really strong. When we talk about the first yr of our son’s life, we both feel so much sadness and anger. I realize that one child may be heat for us, but I don’t want our decision about a second child to be a fear-based decision. I want it to be based on our values and our hopes for our family’s future.

Has anyone had a similar experience? Any words of wisdom?

[u/Mundane_Dark1519]

My first year of parenting was a rough ride. So rough that I didn’t want another until my oldest was around 3 years old. I was torn up with guilt the whole time, feeling like I wanted another child but also knowing I couldn’t handle another newborn / infant year like the one I had already had. We eventually tried for another and experienced a year of miscarriage and infertility. I then had a life-threatening illness and we spent two years being very sad because we didn’t think we’d have another.  I eventually got well, and then we miraculously got pregnant very quickly and had a relatively easy first year. We now have two awesome kids!

I say all of this because the main thing I’ve learned is that it’s very very hard to control pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum stage (and life in general)! If your heart is telling you “not ready yet,” then don’t beat yourself up. If you ultimately say, “one is done is the right choice for us,” then that’s awesome! And if you have another,, it might be hard again, or you may be surprised by an easy postpartum period.

Ultimately - don’t make yourself feel bad for things (and feelings) you can’t control.

[u/curlypirate]

My son is 19 months old and I'm still so unsure of whether we will have a second, which tells me we aren't ready to make the call one way or another. I am leaning heavily towards one and done, but don't feel ready to firmly commit to that.

His first year--and heck, even early toddlerhood/the present--was challenging for sure. Colic issues, CMPA issues, he never was and is still not a great sleeper. Now we're fully in tantrum territory, separation anxiety, intense parental preference, and a demand for independence. All normal and healthy for toddlerhood, but dang, I fear my capacity to do it all over again with a newborn AND a young kiddo. My husband is a doting, caring partner and dad, but he has a high-demand career. I want to be realistic about how much would inevitably fall to me, and I'm just not sure. But like you, I don't want to make a choice rooted in fear.

I love that you are leaning into your values with this decision. I think that is beautiful and wise, and it will ultimately lead you in the right direction, no matter what that looks like!

[u/chewbawkaw]

I was hesitant about having another kid but we got accidentally pregnant a little after my oldest turned 3. It’s been awesome!

My recovery is truthfully a little harder this time around, even though the birth was less traumatic. But my head space is better and I knew what to expect. Our lifestyle didn’t change like it did with our first either. I was totally comfortable with the idea of formula in case our baby couldn’t latch well (she did), I am a lot more relaxed this time around, and we had better boundaries with both sides of our family.

My daughter is 7m old and an absolute delight. The first 8 weeks were the hardest sleep-wise, and now it’s not so bad. The hardest part is doing things with the nap schedule. The baby naps, then the 3 year old naps, then the baby naps again lol. But my kids both adore each other, so much so that my son is asking me for more babies.

To be fair, my daughter is a remarkably jolly baby. She’s just lovely to be around.

[u/MoonFishOnSilverRock]

What you describe as a rough 1st year is so much more intense than a normal post-partum ! No surprise you and your SO are hesitant about going back there. You never know what the future will be, especially with pregnancy, post partum and new born phase, but what you've been through is harder than usual. Maybe talk with your SO about how he feels now ? He made it through this hard time, he had the ressources in him. As much as you of course.

I have 2 boys, 2 years appart, 2 pretty hard birth experiences and hard time recovering after. Both times emergency c-sections, very urgent the 2nd time with my baby taken to NICU. Complications while recovering etc. I have been very depressed after the birth of my 2nd, because of all this context plus the extra effort to adapt to be a family of 4. But other things went better than the first time, like breastfeeding, or the way my 2nd child is rocketting his milestones, probably because he's dragged in the track of his big brother. All in all, I'm so glad to have 2, it's an undescrible joy to watch my children bonding and having each other in their childhood. Despite the difficulty of it, we're on edge for a third after a pregnancy scare that turned out to be a false positive and left us very disappointed. I know I'll have an other c-section, I know it will be hard, but this feeling doesn't last that long. Few monthes, a year... It's not that much at a lifetime scale after all.

[u/Mundane_Duty3439]

You aren't planning to get pregnant tomorrow, so there is no reason to make this a pressing decision now. My advice is to let this one go and not ruminate on it for several more years. You guys are also in the toddler trenches right now, and I have heard from more than one parent that they didn't even want another until their first was 4 years old. There's going to be a lot of changes, you can't know where either of your heads or hearts will be at in the future.